


Soul Mate

by dickren



Series: Soul Mate [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, I suck at tags, a lil fyi, also, c u, more characters will be added throughout, so i can't really add much now, theres cursing so idk if that matters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-18
Updated: 2017-02-11
Packaged: 2018-05-21 09:14:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 32
Words: 102,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6046129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dickren/pseuds/dickren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The voice you hear your thoughts in is your soulmate’s but you don’t know who they are until you hear them speak for the first time." | What happens when your soulmate turns out to be the infamous Kylo Ren?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello! So I've finally got around to posting this baby on here. You can also find it on tumblr under the same username (dickren)!

Unique, it was utterly unique, the ‘myth’ your grandmother had told you when you were young. You were always so curious as to how she had met your grandfather, a story quite breathtaking every time you asked. It was a constant thing–at least it was then–that you asked her to tell the story all over again, as if it had been your favorite bedtime tale. “I had never believed it, not in the many years before I started feeling it. You know how everyone has the Force in them, of course, some others are more _strong_ with it…but others, others just have small fragments of its capabilities. And that one ability that I was able to gain, was hearing my soul mates voice speak for my thoughts.”

It was astounding, the first time you hear it your jaw dropped. It was unbelievable, how was it possible that your soulmate would narrate your thoughts, and vice versa? In all honestly, you were quite terrified by the thought…yet, it fascinated you, and a small part of you wanted it, the ability to hear your soul mate speak your thoughts. Of course, not everyone was 'lucky’ enough to have it. Your parents didn’t have it nor your older brother, they found their 'soul mate’ the old fashioned way.

“It starts off seldomly…your own voice speaks your mind, but slowly, their voice integrates with your own until it becomes one…until theirs overpowers yours and that’s all you can hear.”

You could easily remember asking as to how she had found her husband–your grandfather–after all, you can’t just go up to everyone in the galaxy and ask them to speak for you.

“Miraculously…it just happens, it’s a miracle…a work of the Force. You just run into them, meet them, a natural occurrence happens…you hear their voice and bam, you know it’s them. It’s quite beautiful if you ask me, the Force works in many ways that not even I know all about…but I must say, the way the Force handles love…it’s magnificent.”

It felt vivid, as if you had been re-watching the first time she told you the story all over again and you couldn’t help but smile to yourself as you lied flat on your back, playing with the ends of your hair. “Soul mate…” You lowly spoke to yourself, the thought of it made you smile, because (as you had hoped for) your grandmothers story was passed down to you.

You couldn’t really pinpoint when, but around the age of fifteen was when it all started, the slow introduction of the voice that sounded rather deep and…delightful? Was it the affect the Force had on you? Or was the mans voice simply that wondrous? You weren’t sure, but you enjoyed the sound of it.

Once his voice merged into yours, it was as if the man of your dreams had been reading your autobiography to someone– _our children? or maybe grandchildren like my grandmother did to me?_ –you liked to fantasize, even if you knew that wasn’t it. Eventually, you had grown accustomed to it that when you had thoughts, you nearly scared yourself when you realized it wasn’t your voice speaking them.

“Soul mate…” You repeated once again, biting your lower lip as you turned to your side, tucking your arm under your pillow as you gazed out the window of your bedroom, watching the moon shine down on you. “How do you look like? How old are you? Who are you?” Letting out a huff, you shut your eyes and allowed the sleep you had been avoiding to take you away. Before, you used to love sleeping, but once you had your soul mates voice in your head, all you wanted to do was think. _Think…something I used to hate doing, leaving myself alone with my thoughts._

There his voice went again.

But it was strange, because although you felt as if you thought it, it didn’t really _feel_ like your own thoughts.

Furrowing your eyebrows, you simply brushed it off your shoulder as you fell fast asleep–or so you thought. What felt like two seconds of sleep–which was actually two hours as you looked over to your nightstand–a loud bang was heard and gave your heart a run for. “W-what the hell?” Clutching onto your chest as you grabbed a fistful of your nightdress, you looked out the window only to see bright lights exert from over the houses nearby.

Rather quickly standing up, you nearly jumped at the sound of something colliding against the ground just behind the door. Swinging your bedroom door open, you instantly coughed as you saw waves of smoke roll in, a bright flame growing from the first floor of your home.

“N-no,” You muttered, your now heavy breathing making it hard for you to speak. Covering your mouth, you quickly rushed over to the room your parents had been spending the weekend in. “M-mom?! Dad?!” You shouted, feeling your body heat raise as the flames grew stronger. “Mom! Dad! Where are you?!” Frantically searching the room, there had been no sign of them, as if they hadn’t even been there.

Had they left without telling you? Had something happened within those two hours of sleep? Had- _Oh no_.

Trying your best to rush down the stairs before the ever-growing fire reached you, you felt your lungs constricting as the air grew thin, as if the oxygen in your home had been running low. “Mom?! Dad?!” You screamed this time, your throat burning from the overexertion. “MOM! DAD!” There was no use, not a sound was being heard aside from the low cries outside and the fire burning. What was going on?

Then it hit you.

You could remember how your parents said things were 'a bit bumpy’. They were working for the Resistance, your father being a pilot as your mother helped nurse the injured–and, on occasion, the general. You had feared this was the ultimate bump, causing them to disappear on you. _At least warn me!_

Just as you were trying to find your way around and out of the house, your lungs were slowly giving out, breathing becoming _exceedingly_ harder than before as you gasped for air. Your eyes, along with nose and throat, felt irritated, the smell of the burning fire nauseating you, feeling as if you wanted to gag. “S-someone!” You cried out, feeling your knees grow weak, suddenly falling on them. “H-…help!” At this point, your vision was hazy and your head was throbbing from the amount of pressure being forced onto it. Were you really going to die in a fire? Out of all ways to go in this galaxy, fire was going to be your death…not the hands of the First Order and not by a damn lightsaber…no, fire.

At this point, you were hunched forward, taking in your last bits of air before your body gave out, your arms collapsing underneath you as you collided with the tiled ground. Your body ached, every inch of it–especially your lungs–with the lack of air you were getting into it, you were growing more and more lightheaded.

“H-…he-…help…” The last bit of your voice came out as a low cry. Your vision being blurred from the tears and the smoke, amongst the fumes, as they fluttered to a close…but just before they shut themselves, what looked like a black figure approached you and suddenly, darkness engulfed you.

There was an odd amount of pressure being felt on your cheeks, as if something had been wrapped around it. Feeling yourself slowly slip back into consciousness, you noticed that the pressure was on the bridge of your nose and just above your chin, too. Something was scratching in your throat and all you wanted to do was cough, but your body felt too weak to even do _that_.

A realization hit you as you felt your body was no longer lying flat on the hard grown, rather, a bit upright on a cushioned surface. Your throat was dry and it didn’t help that the dryness made you want to cough like crazy, so you simply swallowed, hoping that at least the saliva would do something–but you were wrong, your throat was killing you. Letting out a small groan of defeat–and pain–you felt your fingers slightly twitch as you felt something shift on your hand.

Slowly, your eyes opened, landing on the oxygen mask on your face, causing you to furrow your eyebrows. _Where am I?_

The voice, there it was again.

Although you felt like, in simple terms, _shit_ , the sound of it was quite soothing to you…like music to your…mind? Shifting your eyes to your hand, you realized there had been an IV in you. _Maybe mom and dad actually came back to me..maybe they realized they left their own daughter behind in a burning home…or maybe they didn’t know the house was going to set on fire._

“I can sense you have awakened…” That was not your thoughts. “I take it as the injuries weren’t that severe?” Narrowing your eyebrows at the mechanical voice, you questioned its statement. _Injuries?_ “Your lungs nearly collapsed, luckily, you were found just in time.”

Looking around the room, your eyes suddenly landed on a man sitting at your bedside, opposite to where the IV had been placed. Feeling your body instantly shudder in fear as your eyes grew wide, you recognized that face–the man your parents had warned you about.

“You know me, or, you have seem to have heard of me.” His voice was so lifeless, so…dull. It irked you, it made your skin crawl at how dead it sounded, as if the person behind the mask–if there was one–had not a single bit of soul left in them. “I can see it in your eyes, you fear me…why?”

Giving him a confused, yet irritated, look, the man slightly tilted his head. Was he being serious? Did he not know who he was? The only man cladded in black with a tad bit of silver on him screamed who he was– _Kylo Ren_.

“Is it because your parents have warned you about me? They are Resistance members, yes?” Your body went cold, your once shaking body went stiff. How had he known? Did he read your thoughts? You would have easily felt the shift in the Force–and the overbearing pressure–in your head if he had. “Your lucky my men never found them…the people they had found, you’ll be lucky to hear they were of no use to me.”

Eyes growing wide once again, you practically ripped off the oxygen mask away from your face as you let out a heavy breath. “What have you done to them?!” What you expected to sound stern came out as a scratchy, panicky, tone.

“That is for me to know-”

“What…have you done…” This time, your voice came out much more stronger, not as shaky and broken as before.

The masked instantly snapped back over to you as it had looked away. “If you must know, I k-”

“No!” You shouted before he could finish, swiftly removing the IV from your hand and hopping off of the bed. “N-no…no you did not kill them!” Your body was trembling once again, fear raging through your veins as you stood on the opposite side of the bed, watching him slowly stand up and realize how much taller he was than you–he was too tall, his height was too intimidating. “I-if you killed them…th-then why am I here?!” A cry escaped your mouth, your bottom lip quivering as you could sense the tears coming on.

“Now, why would I do that?” Tilting his head, you gulped. “I needed someone to survive, of course…”

“Th-that doesn’t mean anything, you-you could have chosen anyone, why a girl who was about to _die_ in a fire?”

“Because…” Watching his gloved hands move, you nearly flinched, only to see them clutch onto the bottom of the helmet as he had pressed a bottom, allowing it to unlock and giving him access to remove it. “I am the one who saved you.”

The sound was awfully familiar, his voice was no longer synthesized, rather…human. _That voice._ Your eyes felt as if they were about to pop out of your head after the many times of them growing wide, this one making a record at how open they had been. _No, it can’t be_. “Y-you…” Out of all people, no…not him. “No…not…not you!” Shaking your head as the threatening tears had finally slipped, you hadn’t realized that he was now leaning forward.

“You hear it too, don’t you? My voice utters your thoughts as yours does the same for mine. I knew it was you, I could _feel it_.”

“Th-this is impossible! My soul mate was not meant to be a murderer! Not meant to be the enemy! Not meant to be _you_!” You seethed, your fists balling up as your jaw clenched, as if he had been at fault. “I-I could never love a man like you! If you even are a man!” You spat, watching as his face had the same, dull expression throughout.

Your chest was heaving, it was hurting you since your lungs were still in pain, but at this point, nothing heart more than realizing your soul mate was Kylo Ren. “Never say never.”

Blinking, you looked up at him with sheer confusion, you _knew_ he could never love anyone in his position, so why even say such thing? “You’re going to kill me, too…” Now, your voice was as soft as ever, coming out as a mere whisper as your features soften. You were going to die in the hands of your soul mate.

“Now, why would I do such a thing?” Lifting your head up in bewilderment, you watched as his hand reached forward, not realizing he had removed his glove until bare skin came to contact with your cheek, causing you to wince. “You are _my_ soul mate…” Feeling his thumb brush against the skin, you shut your eyes, hoping to reopen them an realize you were in a nightmare. But as soon as you did, he was still standing there in front of you, gazing at every little feature on your face. “I have learned that no matter how hard I try to push _it_ away, the Force always has it’s way of creeping back…so why not accept it and bend the rules in ways that I can benefit from it?”

“Benefit?!” You smacked his hand down, instantly feeling a bit pitiful as you regretted hitting him. _No, no I don’t! I can’t!_ “Having a soul mate is not a joke! It’s something real, something you can never have because I can never love you!”

“That’s what your head is saying, but your heart,” Feeling his finger push against where your heart was now rapidly beating, he gave you a small smirk. “It says otherwise. It’s beating for me, and only me. You are _mine_.”


	2. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Even m o n s t e r s deserve to be loved."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lil fyi, i'll be posting parts 1-6 tonight as those have already been posted on tumblr. Enjoy! :)

“You are mine.” His last words plagued your thoughts, echoing throughout your mind and sending shivers down your spine. “You are _mine_.” The force he had put on the word ‘mine’ terrified you, as if you had been some sort of…object? As if you were something that he could keep on display in his room for the galaxy–or just him–to see. “ _Mine_.” You gulped at the way the word rolled off of his tongue, the amount of possession being enforced. Those three words haunted you, your heart now in your throat as the amount of pressure from its pounding vibrated through your ears. _I am no ones, but my own_.

Or at least you tried to convince yourself. You didn’t have that kind of will to just yell it to him, you feared the man more than you could have ever imagined. In simplest terms, you were scared. Sure, you liked to believe you could handle yourself–after all, your brother was never really seen as your parents worked with the resistance–ninety percent of the time you were on your own. But now, now you felt as if you shed that bravery and gained a new exterior that was fear itself.

 _If I am his, then why am I locked up like a hostage?_ The sudden sound of your thoughts made you cringe, your body scrunching up as you winced. It wasn’t the same, not the voice you adored hearing–no–it was a voice that sent panic throughout your entire soul rather than bliss. Your mind wasn’t safe any longer, not just because Kylo could easily tap into it, but because his voice was all you could hear.

It was impossible at this point to somehow change it to be your own, it wasn’t that simple, having a soul mate literally meant having their voice forever. _Forever?_ There goes another cringe. You weren’t ready to live the rest of your life having his voice speak your thoughts, now that you know who he is.

“Out of all people, why me?” This time, you spoke out loud, not wanting to hear his glum voice. You prayed there was something–someone–out there that could save you from the hell you were now in. You didn’t deserve this! You were a young woman living a civil life off on a small planet that was quite peaceful…what did you do to get yourself into such trouble? “It isn’t my fault…it was destined to happen, this was the 'run in’ grandmother informed me about.”

Letting out a small sigh, you felt your back slowly sliding down the wall, your bottom now hurting from the amount spent sitting flat on the ground. You didn’t dare lay, nor touch, anything in the room. This wasn’t your home, this place was nowhere near welcoming, it was like your own cell in hell.

A wave of trembles hit you, your body not being properly covered up from the cold temperature being spread throughout wherever you were. You were in your pajamas, a simple night dress that went just above mid-thigh that had thin straps, this wasn’t meant for anything under seventy degree weather. Which made you think, where were you?

The walk you had took over to the cell (which you were nicely escorted by a pair of stormtroopers) Kylo Ren had moved you to was a bit unusual. The halls were so monotonous, only three colors seen throughout–black, white, and silver. On occasion, you’d see red on the patches of the uniform the men (you assumed to be) ranked First Order members.

Feeling the darkness that is terror slowly consume every cell in your body, a sudden knock on the door snapped you out of the menacing trance. “The commander would like a word with you.” Looking up from the black tiled ground you had been staring at, a stormtrooper stood there, blaster held in it’s usual position as they awaited your approach.

“Commander?” Furrowing your eyebrows, they suddenly relaxed as you rolled your eyes, “You mean that fool who is keeping me hostage here? Hadn’t he had enough of me for a day? He just left me two hours ago…or so it feels-”

“Commander Ren requests your presence-”

“Requests my presence? How formal.” Letting out a small sigh, you pushed away any anxiety you had burning up in you, it was enough he had seen your fearful state earlier…by now you had to seem somewhat unintimidated by his being, in hopes it’d make the situation much more easier. But your pounding heart liked to think otherwise. _Your act won’t last long._

Shutting your eyes at his voice, you reopened them as you stood up and followed the stormtrooper. What could the man possibly want? You literally had just seen him moments ago, what was so urgent for him to 'request your presence’? What, did he think this whole 'soul mate’ issue was for him to use you when needed? _I hope not!_

“Do you have music?” Breaking the deadly silence between the two of you, the stormtrooper just looked down at you, then back ahead of him. “I’ll take that as a no, I’m sure the First Order doesn’t have something as nice as that, right?” Who were you kidding, he wasn’t gonna answer that either.

The walk felt rather long than the one you had taken to get to your cell. Were you going somewhere else? Were you going to where they slaughtered their victims? Or maybe worse, Kylo Ren’s room?

“Mind me asking as to where we’re going?” Looking over at the man (or woman, you couldn’t tell), you felt chills tingle across your skin as you felt a breeze. Kylo could have been at least decent enough to give you a blanket…and shoes, shoes would have been great thanks to the fact you were barefoot.

“To commander Ren-”

“I know that,” You snapped, “I meant where _exactly_?” Raising your eyebrows at them as you shook your head, they came to a complete stop, only making your shoulder collide with their back. “At least warn me before taking a sudden stop,” You mumbled, rubbing your shoulder. _I didn’t know their armor was that thick. Common sense._

Taking in a deep breath as you shifted your jaw in annoyance, you were growing more and more aggravated that you couldn’t simply think without being reminded whose voice was speaking. “We are here.”

“Wow, I thought we were taking a bathroom break.” Looking over their shoulder at your sarcastic remark, the trooper simply looked away with a small huff. You could have sworn that underneath that mask, they rolled their eyes at you. “Where are we exactly?” Looking at the metallic door in front of you, you leaned back to see the hallway was completely barren on either end.

You hadn’t noticed because the moment you had stepped out of that dreadful cell, hordes of eyes were on you and you made sure you didn’t pay them any attention. Had they not seen nightwear before? Had they not seen feet before? Had they not seen a _prisoner_ before? You were sure they had, after all, they are the First Order…prisoners must’ve come and gone (thanks to death) as if they were air. “We are in private quarters-”

“Private quarters? Like his bedroom-”

“Like interrogation,” The trooper corrected you, only making you gulp. Not realizing the trooper had pressed a few numbers on the keypad, the door suddenly slid open, leaving you standing there as your heart sunk. “Get in there,” They roughly pushed you, making you stumble a bit. Looking over, you shot the trooper a deadly look before taking a seat on one of the chairs. _Yet another dull room._

“Fuck me…” You mumbled to yourself as you roughly pushed your hand through your hair, you were bound to get used to the voice sooner or later.

“Commander Ren will be here shortly.” And with that, the door shut with a small echo.

“Exciting…” Gazing around the room, your eyes trailed every inch of it, in hopes there wasn’t a single thing in there that could possibly harm you. “Who am I kidding, his bare hands can kill me…” You breathed, looking around and seeing all four walls were nothing but silver metal, the ground being the same as the ground in your cell, nothing but a table and two chairs embellishing the room.

Leaning your elbows on the metallic table, you shoved your face into the palm of your hands as you let out a groan. This was not how you expected your night to go. It was supposed to be like every other night, spent in your room sleeping and dreaming about the day you’d meet your soul mate. If only you had known that the day would come sooner than later and be far more worse than you’d expected.

Hearing the door hiss open, you didn’t even bother lift up your head, you knew it was him walking in. The sheer sound of his boots knocking against the tiled ground, sounding closer and closer, made your heart race. What was going to happen to you now? He said he didn’t want to kill you, but what if he had changed his mind? What if what he said was a lie? He wasn’t going to benefit from having a damn soul mate, so why let you live?

“Look at me.” His stiff voice boomed through the helmet, making you take in a deep breath. _Do I really have to? We both know exactly where my fate lies here…might as well end me now as I’m hiding away_. “Y/L/N, look at me.”

Shooting your head up, your eyebrow arched. “You know my last name, how?” Gulping, you watched as he stood there, towering over you. “And don’t say you read my mind, I would’ve felt it,” You narrowed your eyes at him.

“Your parents, as I mentioned before, I know they are Resistance members…” He simply stated, only making your expression shift to a muddled one. “Kai and Amya Y/L/N…one of the Resistance’s best.” Narrowing your eyebrows, you watched him take a small step back before pacing, circling around the table. “Kai, your father, he is one of the best pilots there is–aside from Poe Dameron, correct?” Furrowing your eyebrows even more, Kylo continued on. “Amya, your mother, one of the finest nurses of her–and our–time, the right hand woman to the General. I’ve heard she’s done some remarkable things, some have even questioned if she is Force Sensitive-”

“She is not, you will not dare go after her!” Your voice exclaimed, giving him a vicious look as he came to a stop and looked over at you. You hadn’t realized until now how absolutely terrifying his helmet had looked without the hooded cape he wore over it.

“There is no need for me to go after them, unless, of course, they physically get in my way. Do not worry about your mother, if she is indeed Force Sensitive, her abilities are dormant–healing won’t do much for me.” Seeing as he continued on with his pace, you felt the pressure on your shoulders slightly lift, as if you had been worried he would do something to you from your barking.

“Is that supposed to make me feel better? As if you won’t try and go after them, you even said it before, you couldn’t find them. It seems as if you know a whole lot about them, more than you should.” Turning your head as you watched him come back into view on your left side, Kylo suddenly stopped with his back facing you.

“You do not trust my word.”

“Of course not! Look at the position you are holding me in! Look at the man who is talking! Why should I trust you?” The heat was rising in your face out of anger. How did he have the audacity to ask such a stupid question as that one?

“I do not feel the need to lie to you, Y/L/N.” His voice sounded rather harsh, as if you had been the one irritating him.

“Why should I believe that?” Crossing your arms, you leaned back in the seat as you kept an eye on him, in hopes he wouldn’t pull anything… _funny_ …on you.

“Because, we are soul mates-”

“Oh, don’t give me that excuse!” Slamming your palms on the table, you stood up. “We both know that’s a load of shit!”

“You seem to doubt the ways of the Force,” Looking over his shoulder, you lowly swallowed as you blinked. _Please don’t go insane on me now, please don’t._ “The Force is quite powerful, I’m sure you would know, after all, you are dealing with one of the many capabilities it has…”

“Why do you seem to care so much about this whole soul mate hoorah? We both know a man like you does not have any interest in love…unless it’s loving power or loving something as evil as murdering innocent bystanders-”

“Do you really think I enjoy killing?” Kylo snapped a look at you as his whole body turned, making yours feel stiff. “I do not slaughter for fun.”

“You’re right, you kill anything and anyone that gets in your way…” Crossing your arms, your eyes slowly drifted away from looking at the lifeless helmet before mumbling, “Sounds to me as if you don’t care about others sake…”

“Do not talk to me as if you know me!” Hearing his voice raise, followed by the bang of his fist meeting the table, only made you flinch; eyes slowly shifting to were the rather large indent appeared on the metal.

“I don’t…but I can easily tell the man you are, and the man you are isn’t the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.” Slowly looking up at him, you watched as his chest slightly heaved.

“You keep listening to your doubtful thoughts, but we both know you can’t withstand the truth forever.”

Feeling your eyebrows knit as you looked at him, you weren’t sure how to respond. Why was he so addicted to the thought that you’d actually love him someday? Doesn’t he prefer to be left alone? He was right, you didn’t know him, so you couldn’t be so quick to judge. But Kylo Ren wasn’t a man anyone should fall in love with, let alone, have as a soul mate. He was a monster and monsters are never loved. “Why are you so hung up on the idea?” You frowned, unsure as to why he wanted you to love him so bad.

“Because,” Watching him took a step forward, his body was now only inches away from yours as he looked directly down at you. “Even _monsters_ deserve to be loved.”


	3. III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Because I need you to r e m e m b e r who I am."

The anxiety you had rid moments ago instantly flooded back into the pit of your stomach. The close proximity between the two of you made your body shiver in apprehension. It was as if his aura radiated off of him and onto you and you could feel the darkness seep into the pores of your skin. It made you uneasy. You didn’t know what it was, maybe the lack of oxygen from earlier or the sheer dread you had been feeling at the moment, that made you lightheaded. Looking up at the towering man, you felt your throat lock. The helmet was even _more_ intimidating up close and personal, and you didn’t like it the least bit. “Even _monsters_ deserve to be loved.”

Did you hear him right? Did he just say that he, himself–Kylo Ren–deserved to be loved? Wasn’t it enough evidence that his presence alone scared people shitless to prove that he _wouldn’t_ be loved? The things he had done in his lifetime, from the stories your parents had told you, you knew this man was nothing but trouble. His being distressed anyone in his propinquity. So how did he possibly expect someone–even his soul mate who feared him–to love him?

“I know you fear me, it’s written all over your body, but there is no need to…” Watching his hand slowly lift up as it gently lied on your cheek, you bit on your lower lip as you shut your eyes. A part of you wanted to run, somehow escape those four walls, but a part of you–your disobeying feet–left you there glued to the ground…as if you _wanted_ to be there.

Taking in a deep breath, your eyes slowly reopened at the sight of the forsaken helmet peering down at you. “Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn’t?” You muttered, your body as stiff as a statue, you weren’t even sure if you were still breathing.

“Because, I want nothing but to protect you…” He simply stated. “After all, I did save you from the fire.”

Furrowing your eyebrows at him, you questioned as to why he would do such a thing? Had he felt it in the Force that his soul mate had lived in that home? If so, why in the universe did he allow his men to burn down your home, your sanctuary? Feeling the tears pricking in your eyes, you blinked, allowing one to slip as you felt your jaw–and fists–clinch. “Why, why would you save me? If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have been in that position in the first place!” What came out soft only morphed into a yell, your voice booming throughout the room as you shoved his hand away, taking a step back. You wanted nothing to do with this man, no matter how much he claimed he wanted to protect you. “Y-you burned down my home! You took away every bit of me with it! What made you think it was a smart idea to burn down a home if you knew your soul mate lived in it?!” At this point you were shouting, the tears blurring your vision as you could hear your heart beating within your ears.

You were furious. Kylo Ren was a moron, in the nicest terms, you really didn’t want to explode and give him the least bit of satisfaction that there could be hate in you–because the stars knew he lived off of hate–but you couldn’t hold back. You had lived in that home for your whole life, your parents passing it down to you as they knew they couldn’t live there anymore with the lives they had. It pained you knowing every little memory was gone, every little trinket that made you happy turned into ash. How was it that now you came to the sudden realization that such atrocity happened?

That’s right, you were scared out of your mind, because if the night couldn’t have gotten any more worse from the fire–you had to find out your soul mate was the man who caused it all.

The room was spinning around you, your chest quickly lifting and falling as panic ran through your veins. You couldn’t take it, how were you supposed to? Too much was happening at once, your body was bound to give up on you in any given second!

And at that, your knees gave out. Before your body could even collided with the ground–which you would have preferred if you weren’t in such a disastrous state–Kylo swiftly caught you in time, holding you in his arms as you cried out.

“I was furious…” His voice broke the silence–well, whatever wasn’t being defended by your crying. “I did not want my men to burn your house in particular. It was meant to be a simple raid, get in and out, find what we needed and leave the civilians alone.”

Hearing a small sigh from behind his mask, you felt your crying slowly die down as you wanted to hear what he had to say.

“I know, it may sound like I am lying through my teeth, but I had no reason to destroy the homes of those who had no part in the ever-growing battle of the Resistance and the First Order.”

Feeling your bottom lip quiver as your shaking body eased down, you hadn’t realized you had gotten a fistful of his attire until you felt your nails being prevented from breaking through the skin of your palm.

“But, things didn’t go as planned. There had been Resistance members hiding about–the ones we were looking for–and it all broke out.”

“But you allowed it to happen,” You spoke through shaky teeth, pushing yourself off as you looked back up at him. The way your eyes puffed up as they were now blood shot only made Kylo wince behind his helmet. “You allowed your men to destroy my friends–my neighbors…everyone!” Roughly wiping away the tears, you shook your head as it came to contact with your palms.

“You’re right, I did…” Looking up from your hands, your eyebrows knitted. “Because I allowed my rage to blind me, to prevent me from seeing what went wrong.”

Watching him with a confused expression, you shook your head once again. “Everything you do is wrong, Kylo! One small revelation does not change who you are!”

“ _Please_ …hear me out.” The sound of him begging only made you more confused, was he being serious? Was this whole soul mate ordeal actually getting to him? How was it possible that he–the man many claimed to be heartless–was feeling it more than you? _Maybe he needs the love to guide him to the light?_ Shaking your head at the thought, you rubbed your eyes. “I know who you are, Y/N…” Shooting a look at him, you took another gradual step back. How did he know your name? It wasn’t like your parents were dumb enough to throw that fact around! “I’ve always had…and that’s why I went to you first when everything broke out.”

Taking another step back, your face scrunched up into an expression of doubt and disgust. What was he talking about? You never met Kylo Ren before, so how did he possibly know you?

“I knew you lived there, the two floor home that was painted in the colors of white and beige…or so it was before the flames took over-”

“Stop it…” You whispered, slowly shifting yourself back as you were absolutely terrified.

“You have an older brother–Ayden–looks just like your father except taller…he was an intelligent man-”

“S-stop it!”

“Your parents were always so proud of you two, although you were much younger than him, they still admired your ambition. You always wanted to be a pilot like your father, but things didn’t turn out your way, so you leaned towards studying the galaxy, but something in you wanted nothing to do with the galaxy–so you went under your mothers wing and became a nurse-”

“St-stop!” Clutching onto your ears, you tried your best tuning out his voice. There was no way he had known all this information without taking a dive into your mind, but you knew he hadn’t.

“But, of course, you didn’t want to deal with working on anything too serious because you never wanted to be a part of the war going on…so you took upon the profession of being a neonatal nurse-”

“STOP IT!” You screamed, your hands turning into balls of fists as your uneasy breathing exerted from your parted lips. “I don’t know what the hell you’re doing or how you know, but you have no right to know such information about me or my family!”

Seeing him take a step closer, your back instantly collided with the wall behind you. “You really don’t remember, do you?” Frowning, your eyebrows furrowed in bewilderment. Remember? What were you supposed to remember? Did he pry into your mind earlier and you were unaware of it? That couldn’t be it, you would have easily remembered!

“Remember what? That you’re some creep who knows about others history without their permission?!” You spat. “I don’t care if you’re a commander or a master or whatever the hell you’re considered, but you don’t have the liberty to know anything about me! Even if I am your soul mate! My life is private and should stay that way! Especially from you!”

“So you don’t remember…” He calmly stated, the arms that were once crossed behind him were now at his sides, the leather material of his gloves squeaking at the clenching of his fists. “It hurts to remember that you didn’t recognize my face earlier, maybe it’s the scar that makes it look distorted.”

“Recognize?” You questioned. “If you’re implying that I know you, I don’t! All I know is that you’re evil and I shouldn’t be anywhere near you! I don’t know how I was _lucky_ enough to be brought here, let alone, in this spot now! And don’t tell me it’s that forsaken soul mate myth! At this point I just think you’re some psycho who had the ability to hack into my mind and make your voice narrate my thoughts! You must’ve influenced my grandmother somehow to say those stories to me, because now that I think of it, it’s a load of crap!” You could have sworn that all the yelling, along with the pounding in your head and chest, was soon going to give you a heart attack.

Blinking behind the helmet, Kylo felt a pang in his chest, a rather harsh one. It wasn’t like what he felt when there was a pull from the light, no, it felt like…heartbreak? He was astonished, disappointed at the sound of your words. For once, Kylo had found someone he believed to be more cruel than him. “You don’t understand, do you?!” His voice boomed, making you take in a deep breath.

“Of course not!” You shouted back. “What is there to understand! You’re a monster who manipulates! This is all an act…a-a show! Is this some subtle way to kill time before you kill _me_?! To catch me off guard?!”

“STOP SAYING THAT!” There was a sudden cut off in the sound of his voice, as if the amplitude from his screaming was too much for the helmet to process and synthesize. “I am not going to kill you! I don’t have the drive to, I don’t want to! Don’t you understand?! The bond is real, I feel it as much as you-”

“I feel nothing,” You seethed, only causing Kylo to take a step back, as if you had sent a punch his way just by your words. “I feel nothing for you, Kylo! There is nothing to feel! ALL I FEEL IS FEAR! I AM SCARED OF YOU! My body, my heart, my _being_ trembles at the sight of you…don’t you understand? This could never work…”

Watching his chest heave as he took another step back, you felt more tears pool up in your eyes; you didn’t know what it was that got you in this situation…but whatever it was, _it_ was completely screwed up. “You don’t mean that…”

His voice was so low, you weren’t sure if you heard him right. He sounded…hurt, as if you had broken his heart. _What heart?_ “I-I don’t understand…why? Why are you so worked up on this?”

“BECAUSE!” Slamming his fist on the table once again, his hands rapidly clutched onto his mask and roughly removed it, turning to face you as you were presented with his _human_ face. “Because I need you to remember who I am, I need you to recognize me, I need you!”

Leaning back against the wall as Kylo had rushed over to you, he was once again towering over your small frame, his heavy breathing patting against your skin as one of his hands laid against the wall parallel to the left side of your face.

“Look at me, Y/N. _Look_ at me…look at me as if I did not have this scar and tell me you don’t know this face.” He breathed, pointing to his face with his free hand.

Squinting your eyes as you studied his face–looking at every little detail that was hidden behind that gruesome scar–you felt your heart come to a stop. You remembered; you remembered that ebony colored hair that contrasted against his pale skin that was scattered with beauty marks and moles. You remembered those hazel eyes–which were now rather dark. You remembered looking at this exact face when you were younger. You remembered, yet, how could you have forgotten?

“ _Ben?_ ”


	4. IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "After all, y o u are his light."

The sudden revelation was enough to shatter your heart. You didn’t know how you could miss something as obvious as this. Did that devastating scar really have the ability to warp his face into something you couldn’t recognize? How was it possible? That face was hard to miss in a crowd, he stuck out so much, you could remember how easy it was to see him amongst the members of the Resistance when there were meetings being held. _So this is the fearsome Kylo Ren? This is the man behind that unsettling mask? The young boy whose parents were so–admirable–for their work with the Rebellion. How did he turn into such…thing?_ “Ben?” Your throat had locked. This couldn’t be, that couldn’t be him, that isn’t him. “No, no…you can’t be Ben! Ben would not do this! Ben wouldn’t do such harm, he wouldn’t kill-” Cutting yourself off, you took in a deep breath.

This was where Ben disappeared to. After all those months of you wondering– _worrying_ –as to where your brothers good friend went…he ended up being the one man you feared, dreading the day you would ever meet him. Little did you know you already knew him, and that the darkness in him was already boiling the moment you stepped into his life.

“I no longer go by that _wretched_ name,” He breathed, eyes wondering around your trembling frame. “But for you, I will accept it-”

“For me? I can’t call you Ben!” Sliding away from underneath him, you took a decent distance away from him. “You aren’t Ben! I-I don’t know who you are! Ben wouldn’t do this!”

“You’re right, because Ben is _dead_ -” His words stung you. Of course you should have concluded that, Ben was now consumed by an entity darker than your home planet at night. “But I, Kylo Ren, I am a _far_ better version of him…” Kylo softly stated as he took a step towards you, suddenly stopping as he watched you flinch.

Shaking your head, your breathing was once again heavy as you felt the panic rising. “No, no, you’re not! Did you honestly think the revelation would make anything better?! It only made things worse!” You shouted, at this point, you weren’t sure how your voice was stable. “I should have known…this is the reason why my parents told me to be careful around you. I was too young, too _naive_ to realize the monster–” Kylo flinched “–you would soon become. This is why whenever you came around, I was never allowed to be left alone with you…because my parents feared you, too!”

“Don’t say that,” Kylo smiled, as if it was a way to distract you from seeing his watery eyes. When was the last time he cried? Let alone, had the urge to? He couldn’t remember. Sure, his fathers death took a toll on him, but he believed the death was necessary for him to better himself.

There was a sudden _opening_ in the Force on your end–or what you felt like an uneasy tug to your brain. A harsh wave crashing into your thoughts, blocking away your own as you felt something else fade in. These weren’t your thoughts, they couldn’t be, even though the voice was quite similar… _Kylo’s thoughts?_ “No…” You breathed. “No…no, you-” Blinking away the tears, your whole body heated up in fight. “You killed your father…”

The small whisper of your voice and the uncontrollable trembling of your bottom lip made Kylo furrow his eyebrows. How had you known? You were sure that was sensitive information that wasn’t going to be easily thrown around the Resistance. And he was sure your parents left out a lot of information about what on in the Resistance to keep you safe. “W-What…?”

Clenching your jaw, you looked at him with a pained expression. “H-how could you? Your…your own father?

"Y/N…you don’t understand…” Taking a step closer, you quickly shoved him away.

“I understand well enough! There is no hope for you! It’s one thing to kill civilians…but to kill your own father?” Looking up in disgust, you were positive you saw your own previous expression reflect off of him–but this pain was out of the heart break he was feeling.

He never wanted you to know, how did you know? You weren’t strong with the force, he knew that very well, so how could you-

“I don’t know how, but your thoughts are bleeding into mine…” You snapped, continuously taking steps closer to the door without him realizing it. “Did you really think I wouldn’t find out?” Watching Kylo’s eyes grow wide, you frowned. Was he really shocked? The almighty Kylo Ren should be shrugging it off as if it were no big deal, so why was he acting as if it were? Was he really that amazed that you found out? Or did he _actually_ have a heart that spread guilt throughout his being?

“Please, listen-”

“NO!” You yelled. “No, I will not listen! There is no way to defend your actions! You killed your father…you killed _your_ father…” Repeating your words, you felt your heart snap in two. Han Solo, he was like an uncle to you, you admired him as much as you admired his wife. The moment you had found out he died, you were devastated. Of course, you found out he died a hero…not in the hands of his own son. “You _killed_ your father-” Your voice broke, your whole body quivering as you were sure enough your panic was going to kill you rather than Kylo himself. “Oh, god…” Clutching onto your chest, a fistful of the silk material, you watched him take a step closer. “STAY AWAY FROM ME!” Giving an ear piercing scream, you swung the door open and ran out.

You were in such a state of panic that you didn’t even realize there wasn’t a single stormtrooper guarding the door, you could’ve escaped ages ago and avoided the mental confession, along with the disastrous ‘conversation’–if thats what you called it. You didn’t know where you were running to, you were just allowing your feet to guide you as you tried your best to rid the anxiety in you.

But it was overbearing. You’re breathing was too heavy for its own good and your crying had been more than you had ever before. _What did I do to deserve this?_ “GET OUT OF MY HEAD!” Clutching your temples as you continued to run, you wished there was a way to simply shut out his voice, let alone, your thoughts. You wanted to be alone.

Where were you even expecting to go? Eventually, a First Order member will realize you were a prisoner on the run, simply by your attire. But you didn’t care, all you focused on was getting as far away from him as possible. In the span of an hour, so much happened, your whole mind body and soul couldn’t take it.

Everything grew slow, the world around you moved in a way as if you were running too fast, that everything had to be slowed down. There were constant gazes from those strolling the halls, a random woman running in just her nightwear was not an everyday thing on this base.

Panic attack, you were having a _severe_ panic attack and you had no idea what to do. Your mind was going a million miles a second, so much was being bombarded into it that you couldn’t handle. Soon, your body was going to give out and soon someone would send you back to your cell–or worse, Kylo.

Feeling a hiccup climb up your throat, you rubbed the overflowing tears away, shaking your head as your lip quivered. Your heart was hurting, it ached and you were _afraid_ …afraid that a simple heart break was going to be the death of you.

As you took a sharp turn, your body suddenly collided with someone else’s. No, this was not what you needed now, you needed to escape…to get as far away from the First Order as possible, but who do you run into? The _general_.

You weren’t sure how you knew, you actually didn’t know much about the First Order because you refused to know anything about them. Except, of course, about the devil himself–after all, you had to know why Luke Skywalker–another man you considered an uncle–disappeared. “You must be the woman Ren took in,” The red head spoke, with a tone of disgust as he looked down at you. You must’ve looked terrible at how many times you’ve cried, your eyes at this point being nothing but red.

“Pl-please…please, you can not take me back to him,” You pleaded, shaking your head ever so violently.

“Now why shouldn’t I?” He cocked an eyebrow, crossing his arms over his chest as if you had something to offer.

“Because, because…” You had nothing to say, the man himself was probably a monster, too…after all, he is a general of the First Order. “Just, p-please! I’ll, I’ll do anything…anything, just…I can not go anywhere near that man!” Either the man was having a good day or your begging worked because he quickly grabbed your wrist and tugged you into a room.

“You are _the_ soul mate,” He said in a statement, rather than a question as he looked down at you. “I was warned about you through the Supreme Leader…he feared this moment would come–that Ren would finally find you-”

“He didn’t find me, he already _knew_ me,” You corrected, “But I never knew _I_ knew him until now.”

Furrowing his eyebrows, the general took in a deep breath. “He was right…”

“What?”

“The Supreme Leader said Ren would be haunted by his past, I assumed it would be his father-”

“Please, don’t mention that…” You mumbled, only making the general arch an eyebrow once again, only to sigh.

“But, it is you…you are _the_ soul mate… _the_ haunted past. The Supreme Leader never listened to me, I had warned him that Ren was a bit obsessed with finding you…never would I have thought that it is because you were from his past. I thought he was simply crazy. What is it that you two have, hmm?” He questioned, only making you shift uncomfortably as you furrowed your eyebrows in confusion.

“We have nothing. I was nothing to him, nothing but his friends little sister. My parents never really allowed me near him, now I know why.”

“That is ridiculous,” He scoffed, only making your eyebrows knit even more.

“What…what?”

“I am no expert with the Force, but I do know what I am seeing…” Tilting your head at him, he let out another deep sigh. “You two have a bond, a rather powerful one…the soul mate shenanigans must’ve heightened it, I assume.”

“B-bond? With that _fiend_?! It’s _enough_ that we are soul mates!” Feeling his hand cover your mouth, you arched an eyebrow.

“Do you really want _Ren_ to find us…let alone, _you_?” Shaking your head, the General rolled his eyes. “Then stop your yelling, what I am telling you is a simple _assumption_ …for all we know, it’s just you two being soul mates-”

“No,” You shook your head as you removed his hand. “You didn’t see how he was acting in there…he was possessive in a way…he was, weak? I don’t know _that_ man, I can’t be so quick to judge, but when you are a commander–a master–you don’t act such way, now, do you?”

“Of course not,” The general crossed his arms. “That nitwit…he is allowing this soul mate situation get out of hand. He is a commander, he is not allowed to have such feelings for a mere-” Narrowing your eyes at him, he cut himself off. “I always knew Ren was weak in ways, I just thought he had rid this particular weakness called love when he-” Seeing your shoulders drop, he apologized, “Sorry…” Apologize? Did this man just apologize? “What I meant to say is, he can not feel love for anyone, him having a soul mate only makes things far more worse…”

“Then you will help me?!”

“Help you with what?”

“You have got to be kidding me, we did not just spend five minutes-”

“Alright, alright…” Swatting a hand, you felt your tense body grow soft. “I will help you hide…well, stay as far away from Ren…”

“Thank you…” You sighed in relief, anything at this moment was better than being left alone with Kylo.

“But I hope you know he _will_ fight for you, right?” Gulping, you looked away as you felt the panic flood back in. “Because Kylo Ren stops at _nothing_ to get what he wants.”

Snapping your head back up, you looked at the man with a questionable expression. “W-what?”

“He never truly severed the light in him, he still has his mother, of course…but we all know he will never get to her. Which leaves you…”

“What do you mean…”

“That bond–that soul mate craziness–it’s a toxin to him, it is making him far more weak .”

“So you’re telling me you’re keeping me away from him for your own benefit? For his own benefit? For the First Orders benefit? Not just to be nice?”

“Of course not, I am _not_ nice, I do what is _right_. Because you are the reason why he is unbalanced. We can not have you make it more worse than it already is. After all, _you_ are his light.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more and more parts comin' up, be kind and maybe comment? do what ever you ao3 peeps do!


	5. V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "...y o u were the pull of the light--"

The general, or unknown name since he had yet to introduce himself, guided you to his quarters. He was smart, to say the least. Everyone on the base knew there had been a prisoner–majority of them seeing a wailing woman running in pajamas–so he knew it to be rather stupid to have the inmate casually walk around at the generals side. “Here, wear these, it’s something to…disguise yourself with…”

The outfit you had now been in was quite uncomfortable, a bit too baggy, but hey, it beat having a trooper tattle tailing and informing Ren that his prisoner was lollygagging with the general. It was quite obvious with the general’s tone that he wasn’t too fond of the commander. “At least you’re decent enough to give me something to wear…” You broke the silence as you tugged on the coat, looking down at your now covered feet that were in boots a bit too big for you.

“I am not foolish like Ren, might I inform you. I don’t need my colleagues to see that I am casually walking side by side with what they claim to be a prisoner. As far as they know, I am dealing with important business,” He stated, head held high as he had no use of making eye contact with you as he spoke. “Might I suggest you flush away those tears, you’re being a dead giveaway.”

Scrunching up your nose, you wiped the sleeves against your eyes in hopes that it was just enough to rid the stains. As far as the passer-byers knew, you had pink eye…or maybe you had done something unprofessional and downright stupid to cause your eyes to redden. “It would be nice if I could wash my face, you know, I can’t simply rid the redness…”

“Your sarcasm is duly noted,” The general arched an eyebrow as he gave you a quick glance.

“So what exactly are you going to tell your comrades when they see you’re bringing in a female into your quarters?” You questioned, giving the area a good look as First Order members casually passed by, noses in their data pads, too busy to acknowledge your presence.

“They don’t need to know, my business is mine only, and if they are so curious, then…you are a counselor of some type, I don’t know.” He shrugged, coming to a stop as he punched in numbers to the keypad attached to a metal door. All these rooms and doors looked the same, how could they tell the difference? “I’ll think of something, as for now, you stay here. Ren wouldn’t dare think–or check that–you’re in here,” With a slight shove, you stumbled in as the general quickly followed behind.

Standing in the middle, you gazed around the room. It was rather large and extremely spacious. At the center was what you assumed to be a living room, to the right was a small kitchen and a possible bathroom as to the left was a bedroom along with a smaller room attached on the same wall. “Do you keep your dead victims bodies in there?” You nudged with your head, only making the general give you a look as if you were completely stupid. “It’s a joke…jeez…”

“It is nice to hear you are not as terrified as before,” Walking past you, he opened the door to the unknown room. “It is simply an office, I feel no need to bring my ‘victims’ in my living quarters.” Shutting the door, you nodded. “Now, I can’t stay and chit chat for long, you stay here and do what ever you bystanders do…the bathroom is there, that’s obviously a kitchen and you can do whatever you want with the television…I, for one, find no use in it,” He pointed. “I will bring you clothes for you to blend in with…I don’t think being in a nightgown is something my therapist would wear.”

“Therapist?” Raising your eyebrows, the corner of your lips curved downward, in a way that you were saying 'not bad’. “So that’s what you’re going with?”

“Of course, it’s the only good reason as to why you’d be in my room…”

“Well, if I’m your 'therapist’, introduce yourself…I can’t keep mentally calling you 'the general’…it feels weird.” Giving you a strange look, you furrowed your eyebrows at him. “What?”

“How do you know that I am a-…never mind,” Waving it off, he straightened his back. “General Hux.” Nodding your head, he pointed his hand towards you. “And you are? I can’t keep mentally calling you Ren’s soul mate…it’s a bit, _strange_.”

Narrowing your eyes, you mentally gagged at the nickname. “Y/N…Dr.Y/N, actually.”

“Don’t take the role too seriously,” He snickered, only making you raise an eyebrow.

“I actually am a doctor, although I work as a nurse, I studied enough and passed all my schooling to be called a doctor.”

Narrowing his eyes in disbelief, his eyebrows only raised. “Hmph, you don’t say? Ren has chosen wisely with his soul mates, at least you are not Resistance scum…” _As far as you know._

“Please, can we not mention the whole soul mate thing? It makes me sick to my stomach…”

“Yes, of course-” Being cut off by an urgent knock on the door, you felt your heart sink. Hux could see your uneasy expression form as he knew _exactly_ what you had been fearing. “Relax, he is not one to come visit my quarters…he likes to stay as far away from here as possible…” Watching him walk to the door, you quickly scooted to a side, just enough to be out of the way of the viewpoint the person at the door would have.

“Commander Ren requests to speak with you.” Quietly sighing in relief as you shut your eyes, you watched Hux nod.

“Thank you,” Shutting the door, he turned to you. “Do not do anything stupid to call attention to yourself in here.”

“He’s looking for me,” You trembled.

“As far as we know, it could simply be First Order business-”

“I ran out on him, Hux! He is looking for _me_!” You loudly whispered.

“Relax, I know how to keep a face, plus, it is quite difficult for him to get into my mind. You are safe.” Nodding your head ever so slowly, Hux turned back around. “I will be back soon, please…wash your face…” And with that, Hux walked out, leaving you frowning. Did you really look that bad?

As you had found yourself around Hux’s living quarters, taking your sweet time to gawk in disgust at your face and proceeding to wash it, Hux ever so swiftly strutted down the corridors and halls, making his way over to Kylo.

By now, Kylo had made sure that there wasn’t any suspicious activity outside the base, confirming that you had yet to leave, still roaming around the foundation. He didn’t want to send the troops out to find you because that would be a dead giveaway as to why he kept you there…let alone, brought you.

Pacing rather impatiently in one of the command rooms that was barren, his head snapped over to the now opening doors, his helmet back on concealing his own bloodshot eyes and tear stained cheeks. He had a reputation to keep. No one could know that the commander, himself, was _crying_ over a damn _girl_. That would make him a _complete_ fool.

“General,” He simply spoke. Hux kept his cool, after all, he had the best 'poker face’ out of anyone there.

“Commander, I was informed you requested for me. Is there something I was not informed about that I needed to hear?” Hux responded, crossing his arms behind his back.

“You are well aware we have a prisoner on board-” _Bingo_ “-well, a civilian who survived the raid. The woman was being held in the infirmary but I was informed she disappeared-” _Liar_ “-you know how valuable she may be, for all we know, she is with the Resistance.”

“Are you suggesting that my men find her, commander?”

“No, I am requesting– _commanding_ –that _you_ find her,” _How subtle_ “Your men have no need to partake in this. They have other important matters to deal with. As for you, she is to be your top priority,” _If you only knew._

“You seem to have forgotten my position on this base…I have no time to search for your lost pup,” Hux snapped, he had to act like he didn’t want to do it, because he knew it was best that Kylo sent Hux to find you rather than someone else. After all, Hux did know where you were.

“And you, general, seem to have forgotten _my_ position–one that is higher than yours. I am a commander, and I _command_ you do this for me.”

Letting out a small huff, Hux gave the commander a forced smile. “Very well, I just hope the Supreme Leader is fine with you losing a prisoner.” Keeping his smile, he watched as Kylo clenched his fists. “We both know how bad it would be if you had lost yet another prisoner, of course. We do not need another scar on that face of yours…let alone, lose another base.”

“That is enough, general. Do what you are told,” Kylo spoke through gritted teeth.

“As you wish,” Turning on his heel, Hux left.

Waving a hand, the door immediately slammed shut. Practically throwing himself on a chair parallel to him, he tugged the helmet off as he tossed it on the ground and took in a deep breath, roughly wiping away the useless tears as he threw his head back, tugging at his rather long hair.

All he wanted was for you to be safe, for you to be near him and keep him sane. But, he unintentionally pushed you away with the man he is. His luck was running thin. He knew you hadn’t left yet, he felt your presence, but yet…he knew that sooner or later you’d find your way out and he’d lose you. Possibly, for good.

That was the _last_ thing he wanted. Because all Kylo Ren needed, something he would never want to admit, was to be _loved_. Because even monsters deserved to be loved.

In the end, monsters were human, too.

It hurt, it hurt in ways he thought he’d never feel pain before. His only pain then was the frustration of not getting something done right. But you, you pained him. The loathing you felt for him broke his heart in ways that made him realize he still had one.

He _hated_ it.

Although he’d never admit it is his fault that you hated him, he still blamed himself for feeling such heart break. Because even the master felt heart break, too. Even if it was in a way he wasn’t meant to.

He longed for you. As far as he could remember, those feelings were always there for you, but through time, the Force had its ways to intensify it.

A woman, then girl, would never love a man like him. Not because he was soon going to be Kylo Ren, but because he was Ben Solo. Because he had the worst confidence in himself. The young man never found himself worthy of you. He knew you weren’t truly allowed to be near him, you were a young one who was focused on schooling and her future–not boys–you were raised in a way that men were not the priority. And you still believed that.

Ben, then, knew he wasn’t good enough for you. He had too many inner demons he had been battling with. You were the light and he was the darkness. Those two weren’t the best mix. Yet, he had found himself falling ever so _hard_ for you.

But he knew, he knew he could never have you. You were like the school’s most loved cheerleader and he was simply the loner no one cared to know about–at least in his eyes. “But I am a commander now,” He liked to remind himself, but that still meant nothing to the lack of confidence he had with you.

It pained him, it pained him knowing he had no chance. That is, until the phenomena started. The way your voice slowly found its way in his mind, speaking his thoughts. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever heard, it brought him inner peace…to a point.

But of course, things went south and he turned dark and lost all hope with you when he was blinded with rage.

But then he felt it again, as the bond had grew strong in you, he knew. He knew it was you. He knew you were the one. His soul mate. And it took everything in him to find you again, no matter what. He knew, he knew that you two were meant to be, no matter how long it took.

Because in the end, you were the pull of the light– _not_ his father.


	6. V.V || Valentine's Day AU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "...but your presence is m u c h appreciated."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is an Valentine's Day AU...so pls don't freak out, i'm p sure V-Day does not exist in the Star Wars universe...(BTW: this is NOT part 6, but idk why tf it won't let me call this chapter 5.5...next part is 6.)

“This is ridiculous…” Eyeing yourself in the body mirror, you felt your lips purse as your nose scrunched up, “Why in the galaxy… _How_ in the galaxy do they have time to throw a damned Valentines Day ball?” You questioned, speaking to thin air as you tugged at the straps of the white dress you had been wearing. The dress wasn’t the problem, nor was the red lipstick and matching heels, the problem was you weren’t a fan of attending such massive gatherings. “All they ever do is talk politics…how am I supposed to enjoy myself when the topic is as dull as the ground underneath?” Blowing a strand of hair away from your face, you let out a deep sigh while placing your hands on your hips. “Might as well get this over with…”

All you really wanted to do was go in and out–say your hellos, steal some food (and maybe something to drink) then dash off. You knew your parents wouldn’t hold you back as they would be too busy talking to the Solo’s (as usual) and your brother would be off with his soon-to-be fiance…which left you alone with your own mind.

Your own mind, that wasn’t too bad, now was it? The thought made you smile, only recently–a couple of years back–was when you had began the process of ‘developing’ your soul mates voice to narrate your thoughts. Honestly, you preferred to be left alone with your thoughts…as strange as that sounds. In reality, who ever really liked being alone with their own mind? You did. Because even though your thoughts weren’t always so dandy for your teen self, they were your way to escape…a way to find tranquility with the lovely voice that narrated your thoughts.

Making your way out of the bathroom, you aimed for the halls main entrance. At this moment, you wished you were walking to your bedrooms door rather than one of the many Resistance’s great halls. “In an out, Y/N, it’s in and out…don’t lose your mind over this. Maybe a couple of your friends will be there, maybe some family…maybe _him_ …” Feeling a blush burn at your cheeks, you shook your head at your spoken thoughts, you knew there was no good in being with, let alone, thinking about the man when your parent’s clearly stated to stay away.

Funny thing was, you never questioned your warnings, you always assumed the warned you to keep a good distance from the boy solely because he was a bit (about four years or so) older and there was no good in talking to 'older’ men. But your heart liked to think other wise.

You din’t love him, you had never even heard him speak before–maybe a few times when your family gathered with his parents for dinner–but he was never around, he was always off training with his uncle, Luke. So there was no way you loved him. Maybe it was a small crush? You were quite fond of him, he was, after all, a Jedi–and quite the impressive one if you had to admit. Here and there, you had seen him wield his lightsaber around out of sheer boredom when he was left alone around the Resistance base, so (of course) your curious mind always had moved your feet to wherever he was just to watch him practice.

 _Admiration_. You simply admired the man for how swift and graceful he was with the weapon. It literally made your eyes turn into hearts at how amazing the sight was. But, of course, you kept your distance and gazed from afar, because the stars know how your parents would react if they had seen you fooling around, trying to watch the young man in his natural habitat.

Coming to a complete stop in front of the grand double doors, you felt your body slouch forward as your forehead leaned against the metal material. “Do I really have to?” You mumbled to yourself, contemplating whether or not you should ditch and come up with a lie as to why you didn’t show up. But a boost of courage struck in you as you realized _he_ may be there. “I really have to.” Nodding, you straightened your back, both hands clutching on to the door handles as you took in yet another deep breath. “Let’s get the party over with,” Shoving the doors open, you were immediately presented by hordes upon hordes of Resistance members having a good time.

Wouldn’t they have better things to do than celebrate Valentines Day?

Of course they don’t, because when did they ever have down time?

Casually strolling past a few drunks, your eyes caught sight of your brother and his girlfriend, causing a smile to creep on your face. “Hey! Where’s mom and dad?” You quickly asked, eyeing around as you couldn’t seem to find the one particular couple that had easily stood out in a crowd.

“Where else…actually, who else do you think they’re with?” He arched an eyebrow, causing you to nod.

“Han and Leia, of course…wherever they are, our parents are at…” Shrugging, you turned around. Just as you did, your eyes landed on the pair, seeing as your parents waved over at you. Waving back, you gave them a small smile, as if to show that yes, you were here and you didn’t want to be. “Do you think they’d mind if I dined and dashed?”

Hearing your brother chuckle along with his girlfriend, he swatted a hand. “Nah, they won’t know, I’ll just say you got food poisoning or something…we both know how much you’re not a fan of parties.”

Rolling your eyes back, you sighed in bliss as you quickly hugged him. “Thank you, thank you! I really just wanna eat and leave, show my pretty face to some few so they knew I actually came here and not have something to gossip about over Alderaan liqueur…they chug that like there’s no tomorrow, I’m amazed as to how much they have stored up now that it’s rare to find that drink around.”

“Well, you know, they don’t have the easiest job in the galaxy…especially when there’s a chance that they can go into war at anytime…” Nodding in agreement, you took the drink straight our of your brothers hand and took a swig from it. In all honesty, all you needed now was some alcohol in your system. You deserved it! At such a young age, you were already studying your ass off more than a sane person was. It was your day off and you had to spent it at a social gathering, might as well enjoy yourself.

“Yeah, yeah,” Wiping your mouth with the back of your hand, you handed his drink back, “I’ll see you two later, I’m hungry.” Waving a goodbye, you walked off. _In and out, in and out, in and out_ –was all you kept thinking. You aimed for the food table, your eyes fixed on the platters you were soon going to devour. You were, in simple terms, starving. Today had been yet another long day with your studies and the only thing you had to eat was a small bowl of cereal (that you didn’t even finish). So, of course, your stomach was craving anything to fill it.

Approaching the table, you felt your heart doing summersaults. You really loved food, especially when there was a vast variety. “Where do I even start?” Tapping your chin, you picked at a few things here and there, not wanting to seem like a gamorrean as you ate. “Oh man, one thing I have to give to these people is that their food is delicious!” You spoke with a half full mouth to a random couple next to you, causing them to quickly scurry away in disgust. “Rude,” Rolling your eyes, you continued on eating. “I’m not a princess, I don’t need to be so damn proper…” Suddenly, your eyes widened at the sight of the chocolate fountain with a bunch of exotic fruits surrounding it. “Oh, heavens…” Bolting over, your hands got a hold of a few fruits, drowning them in the puddle of chocolate and literally scarfing them down.

You actually started feeling sorry for those around you, not because you were eating like a slob (mind you, you were in a white dress, you could have easily ruined it) but because you were hogging the food.

“Oh man…I’m such a monster,” Shaking your head, you picked at a single berry you hadn’t seen in your life before, studying it before shrugging as you dipped it in the chocolate. _It can’t be so bad…_

Taking a bite into it, you instantly nodded, it was pretty _damn_ good. Grabbing onto another one, you decided not to be a human rancor and actually be decent about your eating.

Biting into the sweet fruit, you suddenly felt uneasy. Had you ate too much? It wasn’t like you had a whole bunch of plates of food, you were just picking at the options. But you realized it wasn’t your stomach, rather, it was your entire body, as if there had been a gravitational pull. Rolling your shoulders, you took another bite before seeing a hand come to view, holding a a blood red rose.

Smiling to yourself, you nearly dropped the berry that was dangling in between your teeth and grip as you reached out for it. Turning to greet the person kind enough to give it to you, you felt your heart plummet–nearly missing your stomach and possibly pooling up at your feet.

Swallowing the last bit of the fruit, you gave the young man a toothy smile as you felt your heart racing, pounding within the walls of your ears. “Th-thank you, Ben…” Watching him give you a small smile, one that was quite hard to even recognize as a smile, he simply walked away without a word.

It always confused you as to why one of the greatest Jedi’s of the new generation was so…quiet? Especially to you. Had your parents scared him not to talk to you? They weren’t that cruel…so it couldn’t be that.

Maybe he was just shy?

But you had seen him with his family from a good distance away, he had quite the mouth on him the way you’d see his jaw constantly open and close.

So what was it? Did he fear you? You were a small girl, you couldn’t do much but scare him to death with the vast amount of information you knew about the body.

Taking in a deep breath as you took in a whiff of the rose, you grinned as you shut your eyes, appreciating the smell that lingered. How kind of him to give you a rose, maybe he was giving everyone a rose? But no one else around you was holding one, not even his own mother.

Furrowing your eyebrows, you believed for a sheer second that he actually had felt something for you. Nonsense, your the kid sister of his friend, he was just being thoughtful.

Turning around and leaving the table, you had decided it was best not to overeat and become bloated with the ton of food you wanted to devour. With the rose still in your grip as you constantly sniffed at its sent, you found yourself standing outside at the balcony. You weren’t quite sure why you were there, you told yourself you were gonna leave after you ate, yet, you went in the total opposite direction.

Crossing your arms over the railing, you overlooked the bases back end, gazing at the night sky as you took in the evening breeze that patted at your exposed skin. At this moment, you had felt completely serene, away from the loud noises and vast crowds, alone with yourself and _only_ yourself.

Or so you thought.

You could sense, no, _feel_ someone else’s presence. You weren’t sure as to how you did, but you knew there was someone else around. Furrowing your eyebrows, you looked over your shoulder, only to see no one was there, causing you to frown. Why were you frowning? Were you really expecting someone? Looking over once again, you hiccuped at the sight of the figure standing in the shadows. “S-sorry…” You heard the voice speak, causing you to hold onto your chest with your free hand as you let out a sigh of relief. “I didn’t mean to scare you, I just…you seemed to be enjoying the quietness alone…”

Narrowing your eyes as you couldn’t really see who it was, they suddenly grew wide as they landed on the recognizable man. “Oh, no…it’s fine, I was actually meant to leave, but I found myself out here…I’m not sure why, but the night is beautiful…and this rose smells really good. Thank you, again,” You blushed, looking back over to the night sky as you couldn’t find it in yourself to actually _look_ at the towering man who was now diagonal to you.

This was the most you two had ever exchanged words in the years you had known his parents. The most before was simple hellos and goodbyes, and (if you were lucky) a few how are you’s were exchanged. “You are spending this evening alone? I expected you had… _someone_ to be with…”

Looking back over at him, your eyebrows knitted as you watched him find more interest in his dress shoes rather than you. “Oh, no…no, I have no one…I really have no, uh, time for anyone? I mean, I’ve got my nose shoved in my books, all I really want now is to study and graduate as soon as possible so I don’t have to worry about it then,” You lightly chuckled, only causing his head to shoot up at the sound of it. There goes your cheeks again, they were about to burn off from all the blushing. Was he really fighting back a smile or a laugh? “Are you laughing? Or are you smiling?”

Quickly looking over at you as his eyes grew wide, he shook his head. “N-no…I’m, uh, I’m just…” Rubbing the back of his neck, he saw your left eyebrow slowly lift as you leaned your elbows on the railing behind you. “I just…” Taking in a deep breath, he continued on, “I find comfort in others smiles…and laughs…yours is just…heart warming? I’m sorry, I sound creepy–I’m being creepy, I’ll see you-” Before he could walk off, you quickly got a hold of his hand.

“You’re not creepy,” You stated, giving him a small smile, “Trust me, I think you just make bad choices about the positions you choose to be in.” Shrugging, Ben furrowed his eyebrows. “I mean, if I were someone else, I would’ve been weirded out at how you coincidentally were standing in the shadows…but, honestly, I know how you are…you’re not one to invade anyones privacy…it’s rather kind of you.”

“Rea-” Feeling his voice squeak, he quickly cleared his throat, “Really?”

“Mhm…” You nodded.

“Thank you, but I really should go and-”

“Stay, please, I don’t mind…In all honestly, I don’t want to be alone on Valentines Day. We don’t have to talk, we can just gaze at the stars for all I care…but your presence is much appreciated…” Slowly gulping as he nodded, you guided him back to the railing as you both leaned on it.

Before you went back into your haze that is admiring the celestial bodies above, you gave Bens cheek a quick kiss before smiling to yourself as you looked back up at the night sky.

Of course, you had turned just before Ben even realized what had happened that his cheeks reddened more than yours had earlier.

He couldn’t help but stare at you in amazement, yet, he soon had found himself admiring your beauty rather than questioning your actions.

There was a sudden tug in the Force, a rather _strong_ one, and he could feel it in his heart. That’s when he knew. That’s when he knew that you were the one. The woman of _his_ dreams. Yet he knew, he knew deep in his heart, he could never have you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’d like to point out that during this time period (which is probably the same year Ben turns) the reader had recently developed the whole soulmate hoorah whereas Ben had already had it for a bit. Now, I’m making it to where they can’t just yet recognize that it is, in fact, each others voices in each’s head just yet because it has to be a certain moment that it is realized (which is, as you read before, when they were reunited). Also, I like to point out that the reader had some bubbling feelings for Ben, but it was mainly out of admiration that he was a Jedi–and pretty damn good one from what she has seen–nothing more, nothing less. It isn’t quite anything more than a crush (if it even is that, the reader doesn’t quite know nor questions it). With that being said, everything that has ever happened between the two is now a lingering question as to how she could have possibly forgotten it from then till when she was reunited with Ben/Kylo.


	7. VI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "...he wanted to protect you from t h e m."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay for introducing a 'new' character! Enjoy the new part xo

Anyone who cried as much as you did couldn't _possibly_ recognize their own face, how could they? The way your face was heated, cheeks stained with undried tears along with your bloodshot eyes--it was something horrifying. Yet, in the back of your mind, a questioned raised: how was Kylo not the least bit grossed out at the sight of your terrifying aftermath called a face? Taking in yet another sniff as you continuously wiped your tears, you weren't sure what you were crying about at this point. "Stupid Kylo Ren," You muttered, tossing the crushed up toilet paper towards the mirror with such force, you couldn't help but let out a small laugh as you watched it completely miss and land in the sink.

You were confused. Actually, you didn't know what you felt. Were you confused? A part of you was sure enough that you were, in deed, raging...but yet another part of you wasn't sure, the part that _didn't_ want to feel rage. Because in the end, all you ever wanted was to meet your soul mate. But not like this. There was no way in the galaxy that your love life's fate rested upon a murderers hand.

_Murderer_. You nearly flinched at the thought, and the sound of it, every time you said it. As much as you knew, believed, he was a murderer...there was a portion of you the felt sorry. _Sorry? Why would I be sorry?_ This is the path that he chose. Yet, you couldn't seem to believe your own words.

You never knew the whole story, of course, no one in the Resistance really knew...maybe the general and her belated husband, there was also a chance your parents had known, too...but you knew with all your might they would never have the heart to tell you. So you had to find out the cruel way--well, partially find out as you didn't even know what caused him to take such a dark turn. "Damn you for making me feel so ugly," Grabbing the used toilet paper and wiping even more tears, you felt so fed up with how you couldn't stop. You were wasting tears to the point you felt as if you were gonna run out. _Maybe I can be emotionless then...maybe I won't feel the pain thats aching in my heart._

But you knew that would _never_ be the case. Because in the end, a part of you still called out for _Ben_...a part of you longed for the man you once admired for how angelic he had once seemed in your eyes. _Too bad the angel had to turn into a demon._

Letting out a small sigh, you took a seat on the counter of the sink, gazing at your hands as you could remember that _one_ day one of them had actually come to contact with Ben's own. Valentines Day. How could you have forgotten that day? Sure, that day wasn't the best as you weren't fond of gatherings, but Ben had made it so...lovely. His presence let alone lit up your mood like fireworks.

The memories flooded back in, the way you gazed up at the stars with Ben at your side, you had felt so happy. It was blissful, to say the least, even though it was nothing but silent--a _comfortable_ silence--between the two of you, you would kill to relive that moment, to be in the presence of Ben all over again. It was all you ever wanted, you never truly cared if your parents weren't fond of the idea of you being near him...all you really wanted was to _at least_ have a friend in him.

But here you were, reunited at last, and yet you had found an enemy in him. A damn enemy in your forsaken soulmate. How lucky could you have gotten?

Hearing a low echo of a knock coming from the main door, you felt your heart drop. Could that have been him? No way, Hux said Kylo _never_ steps near his room. But maybe this time he did, because he was anxious to find you. Feeling your heart clog your throat, you quietly jumped off the counter and gently opened the bathroom door, creeping up to the main door and nearly flinching at the knock. _Damn these First Order members for not having peep holes._ "General Hux?"

Freezing at the sound of a female voice, your shoulders dropped. At least it wasn't Kylo.

"General Hux, I would like a word with you."

Did the woman not know that the general was off somewhere else meeting with whoever they were's commander?

"Gen-" Pushing the open button, the door slid up and presented a rather tall stormtrooper--or so they seemed to be, their armor was pure silver...not white; it even had a smile cape hanging off of one of their shoulders. "Who are you?" Her voice became more stern than before.

"General Hux's therapist," You lied, going on with the idea Hux gave you. "We've never met before, have we?" You perked, trying your damnedest not to seem suspicious, let alone, as if you were just balling your eyes out.

"I'm not quite sure..." She hummed. "The general is quite the secretive man, so I would not question the fact that he has a therapist...hidden in his room."

"Mhm," You nodded, holding your hands behind you as you felt yourself slowly wanting to shake from intimidation. _Relax, Y/N, she can't possibly know who you are or why you're here._

"Too bad the general is a bit open with me...and too bad I know for a fact he does not have a therapist." _I'm doomed._

Gulping, you let out a nervous laugh. "W-what do you mean?"

"Either you and the general have a _thing_ going on or you snuck into his room-"

"No, no! No _thing_ going on!" You waved your hands, "Of course not!"

"Then I will go with the latter as I _have_ seen you before..." Narrowing your eyebrows, she continued on. "You were in the infirmary...recovering from internal wounds of that house fire-" Feeling your eyes grow wide, the woman took a step forward, only making you take a step back. "-except, you were in a night gown and being supervised by Ren...then they moved you to a cell that were guarded by _my_ men-"

"I was requested to speak with your commander," You stated as you knew she assumed you had somehow snuck out.

"Is that so? Then why are you not back in your cell?"

"Because I'm not a prisoner," You nearly snapped, bitting your tongue as you knew there wouldn't be a good outcome of yelling at a woman of her height...and, from what you can tell, status.

"Then explain to me how it is that you are in the generals living quarters..." Watching her grasp tighten around the blaster, you swallowed any bit of fear that had shot up in that moment.

"I-I can't say-"

"If you can't say then what makes you think I will be okay with you being here-"

"Please, the general left me here, you have to believe me," You nearly cried out, fearing she'd take you right back to the cell, or Kylo.

"Give me one good reason-"

"Oh, come on, you First Order's and your reasonings!" Throwing your hands up, the woman took yet another step, allowing the door to close shut behind her. "A-alright!" Stumbling back, you waved your hands up in defense. "I-I don't know how much you know about the situation or as to why the 'commander' saved me...but there's a load of... _crap_ that you may not know."

"I have time."

Arching your eyebrow at her blatant statement, you felt thrown back. "You do?"

"Yes, I _do_. Seeing as you may be a prisoner--or what ever you like to call yourself--I need to know as to how and why you are _here_."

"General Hux is hiding me." Nearly blurting it out as simply as you could, you swore the woman arched an eyebrow in disbelief behind her helmet. "Believe me, how else would I even get in here? I don't even know the code..." You pointed to the keypad as the woman followed your fingers direction.

"Hm...then explain to me as to why he is willing to hid an in-"

"Visitor, just call me a visitor, guest, passer-byer...anything _but_ prisoner or inmate." You sighed, only making the woman let her hands (and blaster) down to a side.

"Then explain to me as to why the general is willing to hide a _visitor_ ," She corrected yourself, making you push your hand through your now extremely knotted hair.

"It's a long story, but seeing as you have time, the general is doing First Order work...protecting the organization if I must say. He knows my influence on your commander, so he took it upon himself to hide me from him."

"Him? Commander Ren? Why in the galaxy-" Cutting herself off, it was as if a lightbulb popped in her head. "You're not Force Sensitive, are you?" She slightly bent forward, only making you lean back.

"No...as far as I'm concerned, all I've got is a damn psychopathic soul mate who is out to get me and I'm _really_ trying my best not to die from a panic attack, let alone, in his hands..." You rather rapidly stated as you had lifted your hands up between the two of you to keep a good distance.

"Soul mate? Commander Ren...having a soul mate?"

"Shows how much they tell you..." You mumbled as you slowly got back to your previous position as the woman straightened herself.

Letting out a sigh, she placed her hand on where her forehead would be. "Of course Hux would hide you from him, he doesn't want any distractions for the man. It's enough that he went out his way to find you...why did I not put two and two together..." Shaking her head, yours only perked up as your eyebrows knitted.

"Huh?"

"After the whole Luke Skywalker incident...after finding another base, commander Ren had found it in himself to find this woman. Of course, only Hux and I knew about this mission, the man only covering it up as a simple raid on your home planet to find a few Resistance members to capture-"

"He lied to me?" Your bottom lip quivered. There goes the tears again. "Of course he did," You rolled your eyes as your tone sounded...hurt? _First sorry, now hurt? What's wrong with you?!_

"What do you mean lied to you?" The woman questioned as you felt yourself slowly stumble back onto the back of the sofa.

"He told me he only raided my home planet to find some people he was looking for and that the whole disaster was an accident," You stated, staring blankly at the ground underneath you.

"Now, why would he-" Cutting herself off, she put two and two together, yet again. "-to protect you, of course..."

"Protect me from what?!" Feeling your fists clench, you shouted, at this point not caring if Kylo had been walking by and heard you, you wanted to knock the man out _cold_. "The son of a bitch has done nothing but harm me!" The fire inside you was burning bright once again, you were sure the constant change in emotion was bound to give you a heart attack. "That-that fucker told me it was an accident! That Resistance members had came out and the whole battle came to be!"

"Wait-"

"Liar..." Taking in deep breaths, you felt your vision blur as you remembered how numerous of lives had been taken. "Fucking liar!" You screamed at the top of your lungs. And to think you felt sorry for the _bastard_.

"He-"

"And to think I wanted to believe him! Of course I should have listened to my gut! All he ever does is lie, I should have known that!"

"Listen to-"

"He killed my friends...my neighbors...he killed anything living on that planet! All because he wanted to find me?!"

"No, that-"

"He deserves to rot in hell! To die lonely! He deserves nothing but pain! After all, that's all he's ever done to anyone, right?!" At this point you were going mad, you were feeling too many things at once that it seemed as if your brain couldn't process it. You were sure sooner or later you were going to collapse from the sudden impact of the real pain you were soon going to feel--or, you were going to feel now.

"Snap out of it, will you!" The woman demanded with a harsh roar. "You are letting your anger speak for you when you haven't allowed me to finish what I was saying!" Sane you would have been mortified, but _insane_ you was feeling even more worked up at the fact that she was yelling at you. "Take a deep breath and let me explain-"

"Explain what?! That he is dying for his soul mate to suffer as much as he has so we can have something in common?!"

"NO!" Her voice boomed, the sudden echo taking you aback as you held onto the couch. Removing her helmet and holding it to her side, the woman ( _so there was someone human behind that mask_ ) took in a deep breath before looking you dead in the eyes. "Kylo Ren, with all his brat glory, did have a purpose last night. Aside from finding you, it was not his fault that there was an outbreak." Furrowing your eyebrows, you listened. "Yes, he did go onto that planet to find you, but what you didn't know is that he did what he had to do for a _reason_...because the Resistance had attacked at the wrong time in the wrong area, leading to the death of many of your acquaintances. Because the Resistance were trying to find _you_."

"Find me?"

"They knew, they knew about that Force bond you have with commander Ren and they couldn't bare let him have you--they couldn't allow any good in his life after all the bad he has done."

"W-what?"

"Ren didn't raid your planet for the sheer statement that he wanted to reek havoc, no, he wanted to _protect_ you from _them_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk what's wrong with me and why I like to end each part with a heart breaking/tear jerking line?? I'm a sucker for angst tbh...hope you enjoyed and do what you ao3 users do!


	8. VII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "...with a m o n s t e r like me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GET READY TO HAVE YOUR FUCKIN HEARTS RIPPED TO SHREDS

It wasn't clicking in your head, none of it was making any sense to you, why would Kylo Ren--murderer of hundreds--save _you_? He couldn't possibly dwell upon the whole soulmate thing, of course not, he has way more important matters to worry about. So why risk a mission, and his men, to find _you_? And why would the Resistance put innocents in harms way? And how could they possibly know about the 'Force bond'? It wasn't like your parents knew, now did they? "This...this doesn't make a lick of sense...if we have a Force bond, shouldn't I be Force sensitive?" You questioned. "And if I am, and I didn't know, how could the Resistance possibly know?"

"Now, these are questions I do not have answers to...the only person that possibly does is the commander _himself_..." The woman stated, causing you to roll your eyes as you sighed.

"Do you not understand that I'm trying to avoid him?" You spoke through gritted teeth, saying it ever so slowly as if the statement couldn't seep into her once helmeted skull.

"I don't think you see the full picture..." Crossing her arms, her eyes wondered off, only to fall back onto yours. "You are avoiding the man for what reason, _exactly_?" Narrowing your eyes, you furrowed your eyebrows in disbelief...did she not listen to what you had to say a few moments ago?

"Really? I-I just-"

"You keep saying he's a murderer, a psychopath that kills with no morals...yet, within this entire discussion, you yet have mentioned to me a single thing he has done to you." Feeling your mouth fall open as if you had to say something, it only closed shut. "Exactly, the commander has done nothing to you physically, and from what I'm seeing, nor mentally...he hasn't laid a single harmful finger on your skin nor mind...so why do you seem so vengeful when he hasn't done anything to you?"

"W-...are you kidding me? He raided my home planet and killed people! As far as I know, he must've killed my closest friends, my neighbors, and my colleagues!" You retorted.

"No, he didn't." She simply stated, throwing you back at how nonchalant her tone was. "Like I said before, commander Ren's main goal was to protect you..."

" _Protect_ me? From the good guys who were protecting me from him? From where I stand, he's the enemy who _kidnapped_ me!"

"And from where I stand, where I see the _whole_ story, he saved you from being held hostage by the Resistance-" Just before you could fire back, she lifted up a hand, only making your jaw clench. "If they know about your Force bond with the commander, which they must do, they see you as a weapon. Something they can use to weaken Ren and take all his power away from him."

"No, they wouldn't use me like that, I know they wouldn't!" Shaking your head, your fists clenched to your sides as you weren't taking the lies the woman was feeding you.

"The Resistance will do anything to bring down Ren, he is their biggest enemy as they are to us, why wouldn't they use their best option to get to Ren?"

"You're lying...you're lying through your teeth! You're starting to sound like Kylo!" You snapped.

"You are being stubborn, you're the lying one, you're lying to yourself. I see the truth. I see what lies ahead."

"So, what if they used me? Huh? It still means I would have been away from that monster-"

"And what exactly will that do for you? That bond is severe, it may be a newborn now as you two have just been reunited...but when it evolves, you will feel everything...you will feel his pain, and he will feel yours. What makes you think it is a good idea to have your 'soul mate' be used to harm you when you would only feel it yourself? You would only be killing yourself."

Lies...it was all lies, she had to have been lying through her teeth. You wanted to believe they were lies, because anything that got you away from that man was good enough for you, yet, you felt it in your heart that it was all wrong. That she was right. But why? Why was she right? Why did it feel like your heart was slowly being ripped apart?

It wasn't the deaths, you knew it in your heart that that wasn't it, of course, it pained you...but this pain...this pain was far more different than that one. You physically felt it, as if someone shoved their hand into your chest and pulled out your heart and slowly tore at it, piece by piece.

"You feel it to be right. I can see it in your eyes, behind that mask that is hiding your true emotions, you know it to be true. That bond is creeping in your veins, its working its way to your heart...you feel it on the prowl. There is no denying it...the bond...it has awoken."

If it wasn't for that 'cool' exterior Hux had, along with that 'thick' skull of his, Hux's thoughts would have been a dead giveaway as to where you had been. During the entire meeting, Hux was laughing at the fact that he knew where you had been all along, and that Ren had to have been dumb enough to send him on such quest. _Quiet the turmoil he's in_. Hux smiled to himself, as if he had done gods work. _Supreme Leader Snoke would be pleased._

Of course, all along, Hux had known about said bond...he just didn't find it in him to go into full detail as Phasma had done with you. He had found it in himself to keep that locked away as that wasn't of 'importance' to you, it was enough that you were the commanders soulmate...so why must he add the Force bond into the picture?

Hux had found himself with the best posture as he walked with what could be mistaken for a smile. Was he that proud that he was causing such trouble for Ren? It had only been about an hour or so since you had gone missing, yet, Kylo was in such state of suffering and Hux knew it...and he had to admit, he was pleased that such suffering was only going to lead to good for the First Order... _right_? After all, when did the First Order need a happy Kylo Ren, let alone, a love struck one?

On the other hand, Kylo was the complete opposite of Hux. Rather being held up in that command room, he stormed to his living quarters, locking himself up and nearly cracking his helmet in half with all the force he exerted as he threw it against the wall.

This feeling was fairly new to him--heart break. Of course he had felt it when he had killed his own father, but this time around, it was paining him to a point his heart ached. It was strange, just as he started feeling the heart break, you did too...was it the bond? Obviously, you didn't know how much he was truly hurting on his end, for all you knew he had no heart in that body of his, yet, his body liked to think other wise. His heart was real and it was there, and it was hurting like a _bitch_.

He tried and tried clutching onto his chest, in hopes the pain would subside, but every moment he thought about the misery you had feeling along with the tears burning in your eyes and staining your cheeks, he only felt it worsen. He blamed himself. He knew it to be his fault...but it wasn't his fault that such bond was created between the two of you. Never did he imagine such wonder to turn into such powerful force you two were now sharing.

Had you been feeling it two? He hoped not, he knew how much you were suffering, he never meant to inflict such pain upon you...yet, he had no control.

It hurt. It hurt like a million lightsabers being pierced through his entity. His heart ached, ached more than it ever had. Why did the bond have such affect on him?

He needed you. He _needed_ you more than ever, his entire being called for you, yet, he knew his soul would never get what it wanted.

All he ever truly wanted was balance, not this jagged line between good and evil he had been suffering with for years on end now.

He wanted the pain to go away. He wanted the late nights that consisted of tear stained pillows and all-nighters to disappear. He wanted nothing but inner peace with himself. But, he could never find it. Because in the end, this was the path he chose.

But then you came back into mind, after all those years of being blinded by rage, he had only found himself falling hopelessly for you all over again--except this time, it was much more intense.

"Y/N..." He breathed. At this point, he had found himself sitting on the ground with his knees pulled in, ungloved hands tugging at the ebony waves, as if that pain could take away the overbearing one he was feeling in his heart and soul all together. "Y/N..." He called out again, as if your name was a remedy to his inner conflict. "I'm sorry..." Feeling the dreadful tears prick in his eyes again, he looked up, as if to the heavens, for something...a sign of hope, a sign of anything to rid him of his pain.

Soon, his prayers would be answered, but in a way he never expected.

"Awoken?" You repeated with disgust. "He awoke the bond between us?"

"Not just him, you too..." She pointed, only making you take in a deep breath. There was that sudden pang in your chest again, as if your heart was about to explode. It made your breathing uneasy, your chest feeling heavy as your shoulders slumped. Was this the work of the Force bond, or was this the heart attack you were bound to have. "It's drawing you two closer, there's only so much hiding you can do before-"

"Before what?" You breathed, clutching onto your chest as you looked up at her. "Before I _die_ from what ever the hell is going on?! My heart is hurting in a way I have never felt before! It's as if I had just seen my own family get slaughtered in front of me! Why is this happening?!" You cried out, your free hand holding onto the sofa as you took in deep breaths. "Is he doing this?!"

Watching in awe, except with the straightest face ever, Phasma couldn't believe haw naive you were...even she knew this was the work of the Force bond.

"Why am I in so much pain?!" Taking in unsteady breaths, you felt your eyes water again. "Why do I keep crying?! I don't want to cry anymore! I don't want to feel this way! I'm miserable!" With every word spoken, you felt yourself losing your breath ever so quickly.

Slowly, and quietly speaking up, Phasma gazed at your small frame as you hunched over. "It's the bond..."

"I don't want it! I don't want to feel this pain! What has he done to me?!" You looked up at her from your position, only taking in another deep breath as you tried standing up straight. "What is he doing to me?!"

"It isn't him, it's-" Before she could finish, you had found yourself storming out of the room.

You were furious, at this point, you couldn't care less at what would happen to you, all you knew was that you wanted to be free of this pain...even if it meant that he would be the only one to rid it. "Where is your commander?!" You nearly shouted at a stormtrooper walking by, you must've looked like the devil to have startled the man.

"I-I..."

Shoving him to a side, you clutched your chest once again as you approached another trooper. "Where is your commander?!" You demanded, forcing the stormtrooper against a wall as they trembled. Did you really look that horrifying? Or was your tone that intimidating? It wasn't like you were that silver stormtrooper who you hadn't gotten the name of...still, they seemed to have feared you. Why? "Where. Is. He."

"I...I haven't...I-"

"Answer the damn question!"

"In-in his living quarters!" They nearly squealed, causing you to harshly pull them away from the wall.

"Show me the way," You spoke through gritted teeth, and before you knew it, they showed you to the commanders door. Without even having to look at them, they scurried off.

Roughly pounding your fist eagerly against the metallic door, the pain in your knuckles couldn't possibly compare to the pain that was growing in your head. It couldn't possibly be healthy with all the emotions you had felt in one day, let alone, in five minutes. You went from being mad to sad to heart broken, then back to mad in the matter of seconds...how was your heart dealing with this? How were you even still functioning properly?

Becoming impatient, you banged both of your fists against the door, that even the passer-byers of the First Order seemed to have quickly dispersed from the area. Were they really that scared by a little woman like yourself? You couldn't do much damage, your facial expression must've showed other wise.

About to hit the door once again, you watched it swiftly slide open. Without killing time, you rushed in and shoved the man rather harshly against the wall parallel to you. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!" You nearly shouted at the top of your lungs. Were you going mad? Or was this the Force at play? You weren't sure as all you could see was red, nothing but red, you were heated and it felt like you had the strength of an army to be able to shove the man of his size against a wall that far off. "Tell me! What did you do to me?!" You cried out, holding onto fistfuls of his tunic as you looked up, dead into his eyes.

There was something off about the pair, they weren't as dull as before, they seemed...fearful? As if he had been looking into the eyes of his worst fears. But then, they also looked hurt, as if he had been crying almost as much as you had. The way his eyebrows knitted along with the fact that his face grew more pale than it possibly could, plus the fact that he wasn't even trying to pull you off of him only threw you off for a mere second before you roughly pulled him off the wall and shoved him again.

"Answer me!" You ordered. At this point, you were full on crying, but your anger had blinded you more than the tears to even realize that you were.

"I-" Shutting his own mouth, you felt as if that was your tipping point.

"I don't want to feel this pain! My heart aches in ways it shouldn't! You-you're doing this to me and-and I don't know why! I...I never did anything to you, why do you want me to hurt so bad?! Is it because you want me to suffer like you?! Huh?! TELL ME!" Harshly letting go of your grip on his clothing, your balled fists had found their way against his chest, smashing into it as if your small punches would do something to him. "TELL ME, KYLO! TELL ME WHY YOU WANT TO BREAK ME SO BAD?! TELL ME WHY IT IS THAT I AM FEELING THIS PAIN! TELL ME!" You screamed, feeling yourself grow weaker and weaker with every punch you threw.

It hurt, your hands hurt, your heart, your mind... _everything_ _hurt_. But you didn't know why, although your mind was going a million miles a second, you didn't know why it all hurt so bad. You didn't know why she was right. You just didn't know why it was that his pain made you suffer.

You tried your damnedest to harm him in the way he was harming you, but your arms were failing, and just before you were going to throw another blow, you instantly felt his arms wrap around you and pull you into your chest; your eyes growing wide as the beating of your heart came to a stop.

"I'm sorry..." He softly spoke, the sound of his voice sending shivers throughout your body. "I'm sorry I have brought this upon you. I'm sorry for all the pain, the suffering..."

His words echoed in your head, drowning out the defining thoughts from before. He was sorry, he was sorry and you couldn't seem to go against his apologies. He was sorry, and although your raging mind was fighting so hard not to hear and believe him, you had found yourself melting into his arms because you knew...you _felt_ the sincerity in his trembling voice.

"I'm sorry you had to have a soulmate--a bond--with a _monster_ like _me_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry...


	9. VIII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "As you w i s h."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SORRY IN ADVANCE.

There was a lump in your throat, one you couldn't seem to swallow, he was so... _sincere_ , and it pained you even more to hear the breaking in his voice. Why? Why the sudden turn in emotions? Why was he so hell bent on you and why were you so cruel to him? _Me? Cruel to him?_ With all the negative thinking, something in the back of your mind was tugged, as if there were a shift in the Force calling out to you...begging you to remember something you couldn't. "I'm sorry. I thought what I did to you was for your own good...but seeing as how it wasn't...I regret my actions."

Finally swallowing the lump, you gently pushed yourself off just enough to look up into those bloodshot eyes of his. "What...what did you do?" The break in your voice only made you realize how _uneasy_ you had felt. What did he do to you that made him regret it? Was it the fact that he had brought you here...or did it correlate to the tug in the back of your mind. "T-tell me...what did you do?"

"I rid myself from your memories...not entirely, but things that prevented you from suffering. But seeing as how-"

"What memories?" You blinked, taking another step back and out of Kylos reach. Just when he thought he had you, you slipped from his grip again. "Tell me, what _memories_?" You nearly demanded.

"I..." Taking in a deep breath, he fought the urge to reach out to you. "I...you and I, we..." Shaking his head, he couldn't seem to formulate his words, and it was making you eager...suspicious as to what exactly he had taken away from you.

"Tell me, Kylo. Tell me what you took?" You tried your damnedest not to snap on him, he had yet to do anything but show comfort towards you and you wanted to keep it that way. _Wanted_? It was better than to have him, or yourself, raging. "What did you take?"

"We..." Gulping, his eyes lifted up as he shifted them from the ground, back over at you. "We were once..."

"Spit it out!" You snapped, taking a step closer as you looked up at him, having the urge to shake it out of him.

"You and I were lovers."

Blinking, you felt yourself naturally flinch, not out of disgust, but out of...realization? Or at least it felt like you had realized something. But what was it? "L-...lovers?" You whispered, and suddenly you felt the tug in the back of your mind once again.

"Forbidden lovers if I must...forbidden because your parents never wanted you near me...forbidden because no one knew. Forbidden because I should have never put you in such a relationship, only to take it away from you..." Fluttering your eyes as you had refused to let anymore tears out, you felt it in your heart to be true, yet, you didn't remember. "It wasn't right, I was selfish, you were never meant to love a man like me...but the Force has its ways and I couldn't bare to distance myself from you..."

"The bond..." You muttered, staring blankly at him.

"I had to save you from the suffering you would soon feel, so I rid it from you, because you didn't deserve a broken heart-"

"Yet here I am, your worst nightmare came true..."

"I never meant for any of this to happen to you, I feared you would get sucked into _it_ and all I ever wanted for you was peace...because you deserved nothing but that, and _that's_ what I couldn't give to you."

"You rid my memories to make me...happy? Yet, you searched for me and brought me back to you? H-how is that logical, Kylo? If it is true!" You were doubting him and your own gut, it all seemed too good to be true.

"It is, I promise you that-"

"Then show me, prove to me that we're what you said we were!" You crossed your arms, glaring up at him. Did you believe him, did yo want to believe him, or did you want to prance around the belief that he was lying to you--even though your gut (the Force?) screamed it was true.

"I-I don't-"

"I don't care what you think, Kylo, I have every right to know what you took away from me! I have every right to know exactly what happened between us once before! From what I know, I only talked to you like three times...so how am I supposed to believe we had something?" You eagerly asked. "Hmm? I _need_ to know, Kylo."

Seeing his features soften, as if he was already apologizing for the pain he was soon going to inflict on you, "I'm sorry..." his hands latched onto your temples only to have what felt like nails drilling into your skull, images flashing in your mind as if you had been flipping through the pages of a book.

Then, suddenly, a certain memory played out in front of you. It was as if you had been reliving it, except, in a third parties point of view.

There you lied, legs intertwined with those of his as you fondly gazed up at him, some of his ebony locks being wrapped around your finger as he gingerly caressed your cheek with his thumb. "You know, this is a bad idea..." You whispered, still holding a smile on your face even though you were flat out serious. "My parents can come in at any moment..."

"Your parents are off on a mission, Y/N, I don't think they'll be home anytime soon," He stated with a smug look as his thumb stopped, his hand now holding onto your cheek as he slowly gravitated towards you. "But, I do think I'm gonna kiss you right now..." He grinned, eyes shifting down to your lips as he spoke.

"You think? How about do," Letting the strands of his hair unwrap themselves, you gently grasped onto the back of his neck, closing the tight proximity between you two as your lips collided. It was _euphoric_ , every time his lips came to contact with your own, your hear fluttered with the desire of more. If there was one feeling in the world that you couldn't live without--it was the feeling of his lips on yours. It brought you at ease, it made the world around somehow disappear, and it made you _happy_.

"You know," He softly broke the kiss, lips brushing against yours as he spoke, "I was trying to build up the anticipation...I love it when your cheeks get all rosy..." Giving you a small peck, he slightly distanced himself as he took in all your features, a lump forming in his throat as his dreadful thoughts came out to play. "You know that I _love_ you, right?" He asked, in a pleading manor as his eyes searched yours, in hopes you had loved him the same.

"Of course I do," You lightly chuckled, furrowing your eyebrows as you could see the sudden change in facial expression, as if he were sad. "Ben, you _never_ have to ask that, _always_ know that I do," With a small nod, you leaned back in and gave him a small kiss, only to feel nothing in return. "Ben?" Shifting back, you looked into his eyes, only to see the hazel color _darken_. "Ben, are you alright?"

Studying every aspect your face held, he gently brushed your lips with his thumb, slowly sliding it off as he shut his eyes and took in a deep breath. He didn't want to do this, he didn't have the heart to do this, how could he? Like he admitted before, he _loved_ you, and that's all he ever wanted to do to you. He never wanted to drag you down the dark road he was about to go on, nor did he want to betray you in any sense. That's why he had to end it. "I'm..." Releasing a shaky breath as he felt his eyes water, he refused for you to see this broken side of him that was slowly deteriorating by the darkness eating him alive.

Seeing him turn on his back, he stared at the ceiling. "Ben?" Propping yourself up with your elbow, you felt concern wash over you as you could see the tears pricking in his eyes, his chest lightly heaving along with the slow tremble of his bottom lip. "Ben, love, what is it?" Placing a hand on his bare chest, you felt your throat lock as he harshly shut his eyes, a tear slipping. "Please tell me...you're-you're concerning me..." Sitting up on your knees, you got into his view as you felt yourself frown. What triggered the sudden change of mood?

"I'm," Letting out another shaky breath, as if he had been holding it in, your mouth parted as he continued on, "sorry..."

"S-sorry?" You nervously laughed. "Sorry for what? If it's about that one time your mother brought us to Endor to see those Ewoks and you nearly rammed me over because how frightened you were, I'm way over it..." Trying to smile, you knew your statement wasn't it as Ben had shook his head with a rather deep shut of his eyes. "Ben, please, tell me..."

"I-I need to go," He sat up, roughly rubbing away the tear that slipped, back now facing you as he hunched over. Scooting over, you tenderly rubbed circles on his bare back, the skin to skin contact only making Ben fight the sudden urge to cry even more as he shoved his face into the palm of his hands, elbows propped on his thighs.

"Go? Go where?" You curiously asked, moving to a side as your free hand lied flat on his thigh, making Ben's heart break even more. He was going to miss all the warm touches you gave him, he was going to miss how much you truly cared for him...he was going to miss you. "Please, why aren't you-"

"I need to go, I'm sorry," Forcefully standing up, he slid back on his pants as he pulled over his tee, haphazardly slipping on his shoes as he approached the shut door.

"Ben, please, don't go..." Your pained words echoed throughout his head like a ball bouncing off of walls. It _hurt_ him to hear how hurt you were, just by the tone of your voice. It was _killing_ him, but the pain inside him--the darkness that slowly consumed him--it was viciously _murdering_ him. "B-Ben!" You cried out as he walked out after taking a sudden pause from your plead. "Ben, please! Please, talk to me!" Following behind him as he rather quickly walked down the hall and steps of the staircase, you didn't care if you were in one of your little night dresses and bare feet, you followed him straight out the house and quickly latched onto his wrist. "Ben!"

"You're-you're not making this easy for me!" He shouted through the thunderous rain now pouring down on the two of you.

"W-what?" You nearly whispered, looking up at him as he looked over his shoulder. "Easy?"

"You're...you're holding me back, I need to go..." It sounded as if he spoke through gritted teeth only making your heart sink. You hadn't realized it, but your grip grew tighter around his wrist, as if you didn't want him to go--well, you didn't. You truly enjoyed his presence, his being, his _everything_ , how were you going to allow him to slip from your grip?

"Go where? Why aren't you telling me?!" Walking around to face him, his eyes adverted your own as his head shifted. "Ben Solo, what is going on with you? You're-you're _scaring_ me!" Gripping even tighter, his head snapped over to you, as if that was the last thing he wanted to do. "Please, love...tell me."

 _Love_. His heart clenched, his whole body growing stuff, he truly adored the way you passionately called him that--another reason on the ever growing list for him to stay. "I-I can't, I'm sorry..." Releasing a deep sigh, his free hand held onto your cheek, rubbing it once again--a gesture he had done so many times to you when you were alone--a gesture you were soon going to ~~miss~~ forget.

"W-why...why, Ben? I'm-I'm afraid...I'm afraid you won't come back? And-and I don't know why?" Your fear for him leaving was far more worse than your fear for lightening, and you were out in the open, more prone to being struck--yet--you feared losing your _heart_ over your life.

Feeling his eyebrows twitch, as he fought for your words not to have an affect on him, that small piece of light--hope--left in him ached. "Don't be afraid..." Gulping, you didn't know why, but when you looked into his eyes, you could barely recognize the man you loved.

"Ben...you're...you're scaring me..." Slowly loosening your grip, only to have it slip off, both of his hands were now on either side of your face as he leaned down, planting a soft--long--kiss on your forehead. "Ben?" It felt as if you were unsure who you were talking to, was it truly Ben? Something in him didn't _feel_ right...something about him was off, as if he wasn't himself anymore.

"Don't be afraid, there is nothing to fear, my _angel_..." Feeling your heart sink even deeper, a sudden pang was felt in the back of your head as you felt his hands tighten around your temples. "You won't ever remember loving me." Tears, tears were spilling, over flowing in your eyes as they soon became mixed with the rain. "Nor the demon I am about to become." Shutting your eyes, you felt a piece of you being ripped apart to shreds, thrown into a boiling pot and evaporating from you. " _I'm sorry_..."

Slowly opening your eyes, you found yourself to be confused, standing in the walk way of the front of your home with rain water soaking your body. What were you doing out there? And why did it feel like someone had just whispered to you? Knitting your eyebrows, your hand lightly touched your cheek, as if something was there once before. The sound of the roaring thunder didn't seem to phase you, because--for some reason--there was something deep down inside of you that you seemed to fear even further...what was it?

Feeling the atmosphere around you resurface as everything slowly came back to normal, as if it were all muffled out moments ago, Kylo's hand slowly dropped as the other _brushed against your cheek_ , then falling to his side.

You didn't know how to feel, what were you supposed to feel? Anger? Hate? Heartbroken? Sad? Disappointed? It was that same range of emotions attacking again over the same man, except this time, you had found a true reason to feel such thing towards him. "How could you?" You swallowed, taking slow steps back.

"I told-"

"HOW COULD YOU?!" You screamed, feeling yourself break apart, as if the heartbreak you were supposed to feel then, was felt now. "HOW COULD YOU RIP YOURSELF AWAY FROM ME?! HOW COULD YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO BECOME SUCH THING IF YOU KNEW, YOU KNEW YOU LOVED ME?! HOW COULD YOU LET THE DARKNESS OVERPOWER LOVE?!" You snapped, your heart severely aching even more, unlike before. It hurt, it truly hurt you now knowing you did love him once. It hurt to know that he left you just like that, as if you were _nothing_ to him. "H-how could you leave me when you know I loved you?" You cried, feeling your body grow weak as your heart echoed through your ears.

You wanted to fall, to collide with the ground and fall into a deep sleep and never wake up from it if it meant you never had to feel this agony ever again. "I was selfish-"

"NO SHIT, YOU BASTARD!" Roughly shoving him away as he had found himself closer to you. "YOU ARE SELFISH, GREEDY, VAIN, AND ANY OTHER FOUL WORD IN THE DICTIONARY YOU _PRETENTIOUS DICK!_ " You spat, not realizing that you had sent a rather harsh blow to his stomach, knocking out the wind in him. The ache in your fist resembled the ache in your heart, you didn't want to hurt him, but a major piece of you wanted him to taste his own medicine in quite the similar way. "What made you think it was the wisest decision to rid you from my memory? Hmm? Did you not think I would hate you even more from ripping yourself from me? Or did you prefer I have others influence me into hating you?"

The sound of hate caused Kylo to flinch, his eyes shutting as he bit on his lower lip; of course he didn't want you to hate him. But in the end, it was his own fault, because either way, you were bound to hate him. "I-"

"You knew I loved you...you knew I loved you so much that I risked everything to be with you--I thought our downfall would be us getting caught--not you." Watching your chest heave as his eyes reopened, he took a step forward, only for you to step back. "Stay away, Kylo." You lifted up a finger. "It was never Ben's fault...it was you, it was you all along, the demon that consumed his soul...the monster that you have become." You spoke with utter disgust. "I hope you got what you wanted, for me to loathe you, because I will never--ever--love a man as yourself _ever_ again."

"Y/N, please..." Feeling the last pieces of his heart shatter into microscopic ones, Kylo reached out for you, begging to hold onto you and never letting go, fixing his mistakes; but as soon as you smacked his hand away, he knew there was no longer any hope for you to love him the way you once did.

"Don't you dare _ever_ touch me again with those _filthy_ hands of yours...stay _away_ from me, _Kylo Ren_."

With the bitterness in your tone, Kylo gulped. Any bit of hope in him was torn apart, thrown onto the ground and stomped on by your hate. He knew it, he felt it, this was the end...this was the end of the bond he never wanted to let go of. To him, this was the end of _everything_. At that moment, he knew, he had lost his heart for good.

With the hollowness left inside of him, he felt like he was a carcass on the roam, becoming the true monster he was--being _heartless_. Or was he? Losing a major piece of him pained him far more than he had ever pained. Was this pain going to please Snoke and make Kylo an even stronger commander? Or was this pain going to weaken him into a state of disaster where he'd lose himself, too? With a forceful exhale and the shut of his eyes, he knew it to be the _latter_. "As you wish..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY.


	10. IX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I am so, so sorry for the pain I have c a u s e d you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst-free(ish) chapter to heal your wounds, my loves. (btw, Y/N/I means your first names initial)

There was a sense of regret itching at your skin, the moment the words 'stay away from me' slipped from your mouth, a certain withdrawal was wanted to be placed. You had full control of your tongue, so why did a piece of you want to take it back? _The damn bond_. You were fuming. You didn't want to feel sorry, that was the last thing you wanted to feel, but the sudden emotion was pulling at your heartstrings. The memory, the memory was on repeat in the back of your mind, like a film stuck on replay. "As you wish..." The sudden response made your head snap up, your eyes slightly growing wide. Did you hear him right? Or did you want to imagine he said that? Did you want him to really leave you alone?

 _Stop being so damn puzzled, he took away the one thing he wanted to give to you--happiness- so why shouldn't you take away his chance of happiness?_ The devil on your shoulder spoke, and you couldn't help but feel so conflicted...what did you truly want? Speaking from the heart? Letting out a deep breath, you gave him one last good look, taking in how downright defeated he appeared, as if he had just walked into the worst scenario he possibly could.

There was that tug again. _Listen to it_. Shutting your eyes and taking in a deep breath, you tried to rid any sympathy you were gradually feeling for him. He was so broken, so damn broken, all thanks to you. _Now you know how I feel._ Reopening your eyes, you were presented to Kylo's back, as if he didn't have the _heart_ in him to watch you go. Turning around, you walked off, door immediately shutting behind you as soon as it opened.

Hearing the echo that signaled him that you left, he let out a sigh--the shakiest sigh he had ever released. Watching you go was like watching the last piece of light in him disintegrate at his finger tips. " _Angel_..." He muttered, reaching out for you as if you were there--not out storming back to Hux's living quarters. "I am so, so sorry for the pain I have caused you..." Feeling his back collide with the wall behind him as his hand clutched onto his chest, his bottom lip quivered as he allowed the tears to slip out. He couldn't hold it back any longer, if he had, he sure was going to release his pain in _another_ way.

Feeling your hands clench as you walked off, you came to a sudden stop. The tug, yet again. Clutching onto your cheek, you took in a deep breath, looking over your shoulder--as if you had hopes he would come after you? Shaking your head, you roughly shoved your hand down, focus returning ahead of you as your jaw clenched. _I don't need these conflicting emotions._

Tugging at the strands of his hair violently, his jaw clenched ever so tightly, as if he'd squeeze any tighter he'd lose his teeth. This wasn't how it was supposed to go, this wasn't how he had imagined it. All he wanted to do was take you home, _in his arms_ , he wanted you to fall in love with him all over again as the man he is rather than the monster he has become. But luck was never on Kylo Ren's side, the scar as evidence, and nothing ever went the way it was meant to.

He never wanted to attack your home, kill the folks surrounding it, but he had lost control--because the Resistance _couldn't_ have you. So what did he do? He flipped the switch of his sanity off and entered the battlefield blindly. It was never meant to turn out that way, it was something unimaginable, actually, he expected it to be a one-man mission...but, as usual, things were _not_ in his favor, let alone...how would Snoke feel if his apprentice went on a mission with no 'true' purpose?

_The rage._

Why did it blind him so easily? He never recalled being like this when he was younger, of course, then, he had you. But even before he had you, he wasn't such a menacing child...so what was it?

 _Snoke_.

The light called out to him like a plead, a plead for freedom, but Kylo had that darkness still in him that overwhelmed the light.

His life was filled with nothing but loss, all thanks to himself. There was no one else to blame, as Kylo liked to think. Losing his fellow Jedi's? His fault. 'Losing' his uncle? His fault. Losing his _own_ father? His fault, yet again. Losing you...not once, but twice? _My fault_.

His fists throbbed with the urge to pound into something, breaking a whole in the wall, anything to free him of the pain. And what was his solution? His rage. The tears weren't sufficient, they were actually being mixed up with the anger he had now been feeling. The emotional and physical pain were overbearing at this moment, and he couldn't seem to see past it. _My fault._

Grabbing onto his lightsaber as his grip was deadly tight around it, his eyes were fixed on it. _You don't have to do this_. But a part of him wanted to, a part of him needed to destroy something...anything to rid the pain. Seeing an image of you flash through his mind, he forcefully tossed the saber to a side, finding his fists colliding with one of the walls of his room as he let out a muffled scream, head banging against the wall as he pressed his forehead against the hard surface.

His body was burning, the heat surfacing at his skin as he felt the fury inside of him release itself through his pores. Haphazardly undressing himself, he aimlessly tossed his clothes, bare back coming into contact with the cold metal as he slid down the wall, heavy pants leaving his parted lips as his palms rubbed vigorously against his eyes, as if _that_ would rid the overflowing tears.

He couldn't be in this kind of state, he was a _commander_ , he had people to _command_...he couldn't be worked up--let alone--heart broken and have clear evidence to show that Kylo Ren, himself, had something he feared...something that _hurt_ him. It was a weakness, and weaknesses were never good for the knight of Ren.

On your end, you, too felt the heat arise. The moment you had returned to Hux's living quarters, you had found a thin book placed in between the door and floor, giving you enough access to open it and walk inside before anyone had seen you--although a few troops had seen an angry woman ferociously storm the halls. Tossing the book to a side, you saw a slip of paper flutter out. Picking it up, you unfolded it to read _Hux doesn't need to know, as far as he is concerned, you loathe the commander._

Furrowing your eyebrows at the letter, you knew it to be the Silver trooper that you still hadn't learned her name. What did she mean by 'as far as he is concerned'? You were _pretty_ sure you did loathe the 'commander' and nothing else...or were you? Feeling the heat resurface once again, you barged into the bathroom, thankful to find a shower. Locking the door behind you, sloppily peeling the dress off of you and tossing it to a side, turning the shower to the coldest in hopes the heat would disappear.

But no matter how much you shivered under the freezing water that pelted your skin, you still felt the heat. Trying to turn the nob even more, although your body was brutally shaking, why were you so hot _still_? Your body was yelling for you to warm yourself up, yet, you were burning.

Stepping out of the shower, you mentally cursed yourself realizing that the damn bathroom had everything but a damn towel. Letting out a huff, you pulled on the robe that hung behind the door, teeth chattering as you rubbed your arms...still, feeling hot.

"Here you-" Cutting himself off as he watched you exit the bathroom, Hux arched an eyebrow. "Why are you so red...and shaking?" He curiously asked, you snatching the bag of clothes from him as you turned on your heel and spun around to go back into the bathroom.

"I'm burning yet I'm freezing, riddle me that," You blatantly stated, shutting the door behind you as you changed, thankful for the new clothes. Gathering your old clothing, you had the urge to toss it in the trash, feeling as if it had bad memories scattered all over it. "What do I do with this?" You asked, holding up the clothing.

"Burn it," He shrugged, causing you to narrow your eyes. It was a good idea, but too bad it was one of your favorite night dresses and it was given to you as a gift. _There is no winning._ "Fine, I'll clean them...can not believe I am doing others laundry-"

"Oh, get over it," You snapped, placing the dirty clothes in the bag where the new clothes was once in, handing it over to Hux as he held a mildly disgusted expression. "I'm assuming you don't have a blow dryer...? I mean, your hair looks as if you've had hairstylists all over it for hours..." You pointed, causing Hux to roll his eyes, sighing and looking away, only to have his eyes land on the book you had tossed.

Feeling your heart sink, your eyes suddenly grew wide, he couldn't know you had left the room nor know you had visited Kylo.

"Do you have the least bit of manners? If you do not like the book, do not just toss it as if it is unworthy," He scoffed, picking up the small book and placing it back on a shelf--the place you didn't know the book had belonged.

"Sorry..." You shrugged, mentally wiping away the sweat as you slouched on his couch, nearly tossing yourself on it. "You didn't answer my question..." You mumbled, messing with your drenched hair.

"No, I do not own a 'blow dryer' _my dear_ ," Glaring at him due to his sarcastic remark, you gave him a fake smile. "Do you request anything else?"

"Well, you know, the basic necessities a human needs to live--food, water, a _toothbrush_ , more _clothing_ , a _towel_...you get it," With a nod, you smiled as Hux sighed in annoyance. If it wasn't for how snarky and cynical he seemed, you were quite amazed when he granted you your wishes the next morning.

Instead of being the ~~gentleman~~ Hux was, he made you sleep on his couch as he had found himself cozied up in his bad, evilly smiling to himself as he knew you were uncomfortable in your spot. You knew he meant no harm to you, yet, he meant nothing good. He was just a major asshole and you knew it, but, at least he was being _decent_ enough to give you what you _needed_ for the past three days.

Three. Days.

Your back ached from the couch, although it wasn't all that bad...it still sucked. You slowly were growing cabin fever as you hadn't left the damn room since you last confronted Kylo.

 _Kylo_.

The first night you cried yourself to sleep as the memory replayed itself in your mind. It played itself on constant repeat--the soft touches, the lovely kisses, the lustful (yet adoring) gazes--it made your heart...warm? There was no lie in saying that you missed it, because, even though you had 'forgotten it' there was a sense of longing...wanting to feel that happiness again.

Then the next two nights were the same--if not--worse. You dreamt of the evening, you dreamt it in such a fictional way where it didn't end the way it had, except, the two of you were still happy as can be. It broke your heart. It wasn't a nightmare, yet, you woke up with tears. Had this been what you were truly craving? Did you _really_ miss ~~Kylo~~ Ben's touch? Did you really miss his kisses? It pained you--as usual--that you couldn't tell exactly what you wanted. It was a bit of a shocker that you didn't have the urge to leave, after all, where would you even go to? You had no home. Your home was gone. So _where_ was your home?

Wrapping your arms around your pulled-in knees as you gazed out the window that overlooked the snowing scenery, a small exhale exited your lips and nearly fogged the window. You had found yourself subconsciously drawing a heart with **_B+(Y/N/I)_** inside of it.

"What are you doing?" Quickly wiping away the doodle, you looked over at Hux and slightly tilted your head, as if what you were doing was flat out obvious. "That is quiet the boring view..."

"Then take me out? I'm dying in here, Hux...I can't stay another day in here, I need _freedom_!" You felt like a bird in a cage, no way of being free as you were locked up in between four walls. "Please, Hux...I have been nothing but pleasant, only bothering your for food..." You begged, getting on your knees as you latched your hands together as Hux looked down at you, hands on his hips.

Rolling his eyes, he let out a puff, rubbing his forehead as he nodded. "Fine-"

"Yay!" You squealed, jumping up and almost--almost--hugging him.

"But, you will be watched over..."

"Like prey?" You arched an eyebrow as you crossed your arms.

"I can gladly change my m-"

"No, no!" You waved your hands, "Anything... _anything_ is fine with me..." You smiled.

"Good, then I will be taking you out there," He pointed to the forest, causing your head to follow his finger, a smile growing on your face. Never had you seen snow before--ever. "Well, I will guide you to the exit, I will get two troops to guard you."

"Wont they be suspicious?" You curiously asked, only to remember how the blonde had instantly realized who you were. "I mean...didn't some of your men see me in the infirmary?"

"No, only Ren, Phasma, and I..." _Phasma? Oh, so that's her name_. "So, no worries," He patted your head with a wicked grin. Or a normal grin, it all seemed the same to you. "Change into something that isn't so...showy..." He waved his finger, causing you to gaze down at your outfit. It was simply a jumper, night shorts and knee socks...what was so revealing? "And make sure it's the First Order uniform, call it your disguise..." He said with air quotes, turning on his heel with his hands crossed behind his back as he walked away. "Hurry up, now!"

Nodding your head rather quickly, you grabbed the uniform you kept hidden under the couches cushion, darting into the bathroom and changing. In the past three-to-four days...you hadn't been this... _energetic_. Maybe it was because you had high hopes that at least nature would free your mind.

Changing into the not-so-awful uniform (minus the First Order crest pasted onto the sleeve) it was quite comfortable...actually, every article of clothing Hux had given you was comfortable, you'd give him that. Everything was fine with the attire, minus the fact that you had to wear a damn skirt with thin tights underneath...who in their-"Hurry up, for the stars sake!" Slipping on the boots rather quick, you sprinted out and shoved everything back underneath the cushion, slipping on the coat Hux had given you back the first day.

"You know, you can be nice-"

"I am _not_ nice," He snapped as he leaned forward, only making you lift up your hands in defense. "It's called preventing a weeks worth of whining and complaining from you, you women are all the same." Lifting up your eyebrows, you watched him approach the door, causing you to mouth a 'wow'.

"You're _still_ nice when you wanna be..." You mumbled, only having Hux look over his shoulder as an eye twitched, nearly making you chuckle. "Just say-"

"Say nothing more, therapist..." Watching the doors open, you nodded.

"Right...so what is it, anger management issues, a-"

"For someone who has been crying for three days straight, you seem to be a bit too jittery," He stated, a smile appearing as fast as it disappeared. "Just be quiet... _please_."

"If this is so I can change my opinion on you, I still think you're a nice jackass..." You shrugged, walking past him as his eyes bored in the back of your head as he scowled.

. . .

"Here is the deal, you spend no more than an hour out here, alright? Just say it's an experiment, to see if the weather conditions can lessen my anger issues-"

"Oh, so we're going with that one-"

"And the troopers will mind their own business as they watch over you."

"Cant you say this to them, you are their general..." You stated, watching him come to a stop as a rather large garage-like door came into view.

"Must I do everything?" He grumbled, pinching the bridge of his nose as he then left his side. "You two," He called out to a pair of stormtroopers that stood parallel to one another, "Take my therapist out for some air, she had an anxiety attack-" He lied, causing one of your eyebrows to arch. So now he was turning it on you...

"Yes, sir," The one on the left nodded, punching in a code as the electric door groaned open.

"No more than an hour, by then--or when requested upon--you bring her back in," Hux ordered, only to turn around and look at you."Don't do anything _stupid_."

"Yes, because that's the first thing I had in mind to _do_..." You crossed your arms after slipping on a pair of gloves Hux had handed you earlier. "How about you worry about Kylo not finding me, you know, since you are the one who is supposed to be searching for me," Whispering over to Hux as you looked over to the troopers for a mere second, Hux crossed his arms behind his back--his usual stance.

"Did I forget to mention that the commander has left the base about three days ago?" He tilted his head with a rather small smile that screamed he was cruel, the statement making you gasp.

"You're telling me he's-...I could have-...I didn't have to-..."

"Yes, I am a _very_ nice man, aren't I?" Watching him walk off, you felt your jaw shift. At least you were free from one thing...three days later after not knowing.

"Where to, ma'am?" The trooper on the right spoke up as you approached the two.

"Anywhere deep into the woods...I need my mind to clear out..." And with that, the two proceeded to guide you.

It was unlike what you had expected, the atmosphere was quite different in the midst of the trees rather than metal walls. It was...peaceful. You didn't feel as if you were suffocating nor quarantined. It was perfect, in a sense, minus the fact you were still a couple of hundred of feet away of the base...a _decent_ amount.

Taking in the fresh air as it nearly froze your nose and made it ache, you brushed it off as you let out a huff, watching your breath turn into a puff of air. Tucking your hands into the pocket of your coat, you roamed around a bit, not too far from the troopers, but a good distance as you didn't really want to be reminded where you were.

Unaware of how far off you went, you hadn't realized your feet had dragged you away until you heard the troopers call out for you. Looking around, everything looked the same, unsure of what was North or South, East or West...everything looked identical. "Shit..."

Feeling slight panic, you pushed it aside as you knew there was nothing out there that could harm you.

Or so you thought.

"HEY, I'M-" Being cut off as a hand wrapped around your mouth with a cloth in its grip, an arm snaked around your waist as who ever it was forcefully tugged you back. Latching onto the arm around your head as you tugged at it, you felt your eyes grew heavy as a fume had found itself lingering in your nose and mouth. "L-let me g-go!" Your voice came out muffled as you fought to be released, only to see everything around you slowly blur out. "L-let...let me..." Feeling the arms around you let go, your body collided with the snow covered ground, your head hitting a rock as your eyes fluttered to a close as the last thing you heard were the stormtroopers calling out for you. Your eyes shutting on the image of the two stormtroopers coming into view, only to get shot as everything turned black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who thE FucK DID THAT AND whERE THE fuCK IS KYLO? Get ready for the next few chapters, my friends.


	11. X

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You said it yourself, he had already l o s t you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit just keeps getting worse ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

It was a 'necessary break', as Kylo ~~liked~~ to call it, rather than a training session somewhere in the outer rim as Snoke had 'requested' him to. He ~~needed~~ this. If there was anything that could possibly get his mind off of _things_ , it was training. The anger that would bubble inside him during the sessions that Snoke purposely provoked, blinded Kylo from his internal struggles. Internal struggles, something that would never die out in the man. Whether it'd be family or friends, or even you, the call from the light always itched at the surface of his skin. 

Arriving back at the 'new' (it nearly looked like a replica of the previous one) base the First Order had relocated to, there was a rather unbalanced shift in the Force once Kylo stepped foot back on the ice planet, feeling as if something had been removed, but he couldn't put a finger on it. Watching a rather anxious pair of stromtroopers rush by as they dragged along another pair over to the infirmary, Kylo's head snapped in the direction of the command room where he knew the general had been in.

Only a few days gone and there was _already_ something wrong? Sure, it was common to see stormtroopers be injured, whether it'd be training or something on their end, the feeling Kylo had gotten--as if it had triggered a warning in the back of his mind--only made him well aware that something _was_ wrong. "General Hux," Kylo's voice boomed throughout the command room as he stormed in. "May I speak with you for a moment." Seeing as everyone around him was quite calm, he knew it to be something underneath the surface that was off.

"Yes, commander Ren?" He spoke with the most unaware expression, as if nothing had been out of place.

"Are you aware two of your men are severely injured?" Watching Hux arch an eyebrow, Kylo felt the urge to roll his eyes from beneath the helmet. "Apparently you aren't."

"Why is it of matter to you?" Hux's eyebrows knitted as his arms crossed behind him, a certain look of unconformity being expressed as Hux felt he had been accused for something unknown of. "If I may, commander, you never seem to care about my soldiers."

"This time I do when there is a shift in the Force, and there seems to be a rather oddly... _strong_ connection between the two--your injured men and the Force." Kylo pointed out with a low growl. "So I suggest you find out as to why two of your men are injured."

"With all due respect, my men haven't done anything worthy enough to concern you in any matter, it must be-"

"Your lack of awareness disturbs me, general, you _will_ come with me and _we_ will find out as to what caused such injury on the two men," And with that, Kylo turned on a heel, the general following shortly behind as he had no clue as to why the commander had been so worked up on the newly arisen situation. For all he knew, the commander was worried about finding you, but he left it in Hux's hands...so what was the big deal _now_. "It has come to me that your men were shot...I do not believe Phasma is that ignorant to allow her men firearm during training that is loaded nor off of the safety lock. So tell me, general, why is it that two of _your_ men have been shot under _your_ supervision?" Kylo questioned as the two now had come to a stop in front of a glass as nurses rushed around the mens injuries.

As soon as Hux's eyes landed on the recognizable tag numbers of the troops, a lump formed in his throat and instantly disappeared as he had swallowed it. If those two men were shot down...then where were _you_? This was the last thing Hux needed at the moment. How in his right mind was it okay to leave you with a pair of troops he randomly called to?

"You seem to know something, general, might I remind you...nothing goes by me without being unnoticed. So tell me, what is it that I need to know?"

"Commander, there is nothing-" Cutting himself off as he heard a low grunt escape from the helmet, Hux arched an eyebrow. "I don't need the impatient noises, Ren, I am trying to inform you that-"

"Y/N..." He grunted, only causing Hux to gulp.

"What about the girl?" He curiously asked, if Kylo had known something, Hux _needed_ to know, too.

"Something's wrong...I no longer feel her presence on the base."

Furrowing his eyebrows, Hux's mouth fell open, as if words were meant to spill but nothing came out. Had you really escaped? Were you the one that shot the stormtroopers? But why would you? You had nowhere to go, let alone, had no one to take you where ever you planned on going to. "Are you insisting she had done this?" Hux asked, _knowing_ that wasn't Kylos intentions.

"No!" His voice boomed. "She wouldn't, she doesn't have the will to harm these men, let alone, try and kill them. This wasn't her." Kylo breathed, fists clenching as he eyed the two suffering men. "Where were the found?" He immediately asked-- _demanded_ \--as a doctor had passed by.

"Out in the woods, towards the north sector of the base." The doctor quickly informed, only making Kylo turn on a heel and march his way over.

"Where in the galaxy are you going? You can not possibly assume she would be out there! She isn't in the proper attire, let alone, state to survive in weather as cold as that!" Following quickly behind, he only halted as Kylo looked over his shoulder.

"General, I feel as if you are _hiding_ something. Do you _know_ something that I do not?"

"Of course not, I am only stating the _obvious_. And if she did, she would be long gone, right? You said it yourself, you do not feel her presence any longer-"

"Then why hasn't anyone been informed that a spacecraft has left our premises or our atmosphere? Tell me that, _general_? Unless you are doing a poor job, I need to find out if she _is_ still out there." Snapping his head back, Kylo continued on with his stride as Hux let out a huff. The last thing Hux needed was for Kylo to find you in First Order uniform with no explanation as to how you had it. Hux did not need Kylo knowing he had you held in his 'home' for nearly four days. He did not need Kylo to know _anything_.

Entering the north sector, Kylo rather quickly exited through the main entrance and made his way into the forest, finding nothing but snow and trees. It was aggravating him, he knew you had nowhere to go and there had been no sign of you wanting to leave as your home no longer existed. So where could you possibly be? Your presence was long gone, yet, there was a sense that a piece of you was still there... _somehow_.

Knowing Hux had followed him all through, it gave Kylo the sense of uneasiness, as if the general _had_ something to hide and wouldn't dare to share. Kylo knew he couldn't pry through the generals mind--Snoke would not approve--but even if he tried, Hux had a very _strong_ mind. So where did that leave him? If Hux seemed so careless about the situation, why was he following? He _must_ have known something.

A sudden pull in the Force snapped Kylo out of his trance as he felt that small piece of you grow stronger and stronger with ever step he took, only to come to a stop when the deafening pressure of the Force instantly wiped out as his eyes landed on a rock, a few red spots plastered around it. _Blood_. Your blood? Why would your blood be out here in the snow?

Now Kylo was _extremely_ concern. If you had tried to escape, it could have been the possibility that the troopers tried stopping you and injured you in the process, explaining as to why _they_ were injured. But that didn't seem right. So what was it? Had it been undercover Resistance members? They weren't _that_ ballsy...were they?

The fear ignited inside of Kylo, the fact that _they_ got to you. But that still did _not_ explain as to why _your_ blood was shed. Something wasn't clicking, although the Resistance were the enemy on their [the First Order] end, they wouldn't harm you...why would they? You were the daughter of a pair of Resistance members. So what was it?

"What is-"

"Her blood, that's _her_ blood," Kylo seethed through gritted teeth, who had been so _cruel_ to harm you? It _irked_ Kylo, the thought of someone hurting you in such way that you _bled_.  No one could ever lay a finger on your delicate skin and harm you in any way. ~~Kylo~~ Ben would have made sure of it. Yet here he was, pondering over your blood as you were nowhere to be found. He blamed himself. _I shouldn't have gone._

"Her blood?" Hux's heart skipped a beat, he knew Kylo wouldn't lie about _that_. "Who would harm a pri-...guest?" Hux corrected himself, trying his best to puzzle the pieces together, in hopes he'd realize what really happened.

Narrowing his eyes from underneath the helmet, Hux's words echoed in his mind as his head slowly turned to the red haired man. "Guest?" Kylo's head tilted, as far as Kylo knew--he was the only one to _know_ that you weren't a prisoner...in _some_ aspect. "In what instance is she a guest, general?"

Feeling a smile twitch on his lips as he knew how _screwed_ he was for putting himself in the situation, Hux let out a small--unnoticeable--breath as he responded. "Guest? Did I say that? Guest as in the instance that you have yet to find--nor _torture_ her mentally--anything about the Resistance."

"Are you _mocking_ me, general?" Kylo turned his whole body to face Hux, he couldn't seem the least bit concerned about you in a caring way, rather, in a way where it was a prisoner on the lose--or yet _another_ prisoner escaping from the base. "Our 'guest' may have valuable information about Luke Skywalker's whereabouts and as to where the Resistance is holding such information. Along with the scavenger and her little band. Might I remind you, they are the reason we lost our last base, general?"

This had been _the_ most trickiest situation the two had been in, on either end they knew something the other couldn't have possibly known--or so they _assumed_ \--so they were walking on egg shells and were afraid to snap one and reveal _anything_ they had known. "Of course I know, but I am stating the obvious...you have lost yet another inmate--what is it, three now? Snoke would not be pleased-"

"I have had enough of your back talk, general, return to your precinct; it is _obvious_ I can not give you a simple task as to find a loose prisoner. Seems to me you were the one who lost one this time around." And at that, the general knew the commander was right... _this_ time around. If it wasn't for him letting you out, you would not have been gone. How could he have been so damn gullible to let you out without assuming you'd try and escape? This was going to eat at Hux's consciousness for who knows how long--maybe until you were found. But how were they supposed to find you if there had been no trace left behind? Only blood. "Now."

"But, commander-"

"Unless you would like to inform me now as to what you know, I suggest you leave before things aren't taken in your favor..." At the sudden change in tone, Hux nodded his head and scurried off. He did not need to get on the commanders bad side _now_ , it was enough that Hux was anxious about the fact that _he_ lost _you_ in the matter of an hour. Letting out an intense sigh, the commander crouched down and studied the rock. It didn't seem to have been disturbed, as if someone had picked it up and smashed it against your head--rather--you must've fell on it.

But if you fell on it, how did you even _fall_? There were no roots lying around nor anything to trip you...so someone must've made you collide with the solid object. Seeing a black blur in his peripheral vision, Kylo turned his head only to see what seemed to be a black clump of cloth, or so it seemed. Standing up, he walked over to it, only to pick it up and see a First Order emblem attached to the sleeve. So there was more to the situation than what Kylo could see.

It wasn't that easy to retrieve a coat on the base unless someone had handed it to you, especially a coat with bands wrapped around just above the wrist. _Hux_. Tightening his grip around the material, Kylo's jaw shifted. Harshly removing his helmet and tossing it to a side, he took a whiff of it only to recognize the scent-- _your_ scent. It wasn't like a wolf smelling out their pup, rather, a familiar fragrance a woman would splash on before bed. One you had used ever since ~~Kylo~~ Ben could have remember. It _was_ your scent. Looking around the area, he instantly took a double take as his eyes landed on familiar armor sprawled out on the snow.

Stormtrooper armor.

So there _was_ a roque on the premises, or possibly, an undercover _rat_. Taking note of the tag number placed just underneath the helmet, Kylo looked around in hopes of anymore evidence that could lead him to you. It was a dead giveaway. Someone _had_ taken you. But was it the Resistance? Or was it a third party?

Feeling a moan build up in your throat as you felt yourself slip back into consciousness, a pain ached on your forehead, vibrating throughout as a migraine had formed. Fluttering your eyes open, your heart instantly sunk to your feet as you realized you were no longer surrounded by snow--instead--brick walls that trickled water. It was rather eerie the scene, your skin crawled as you felt chills run down your spine from fear. Where were you?

Observing the area around you, it seemed to be some sort of dungeon, brick walls surrounding you as a metal gate locked you in, a rather uncomfortable cot you had been placed on as your wrists were chained. Wrists were chained? What were you, an animal? Tugging on the restraints, you hadn't realized how tight they had been on you. Letting out a groan, you felt something drip down your forehead, only causing you to wipe it. _Blood_.

Then it hit you. The way you were nearly smothered by stars knows what, only to be released and banging your head against a rock as you watched the pair of stormtroopers who were supposed to be watching over you get shot. To death? Were they dead? Or had they survived? You hoped they had, they were a pretty decent pair and seemed to fear the life they had been living more than anything else with how _distant_ they were. Living as soldiers must've been the most difficult life to live, especially when you were trained since such a young age. You sympathized with them in a way, it wasn't like a bunch of kids asked for this kind of life, they were sort of forced into it.

But now wasn't the time to feel sorry for them, at least they were still 'home' (in a sense) surrounded by their men. Unlike you. Where you had no idea where you were held, let alone, by who. At least on the First Order base you knew someone and met two other people...and the two were pretty decent to an extent. Not harsh enough to let your injuries collect who knows what kind of germs the place held.

Wiping away the blood on your thigh, you only realized you were no longer in the attire you had once been in, instead, in quite the distressed dress that covered you only so much that your arms and legs were shivering from how _cold_ the atmosphere was in the hell hole.

Standing up from the foul 'bed', your toes nearly curled up from the bare contact of you feet hitting the frozen ground. So these people were far less proper than the First Order. ~~That was a first~~. Rubbing your arms as your teeth chattered, you tried your best to walk over to the door, only to be tugged back from your wrists as you were about to try and reach for the lock in hopes you could shake it open.

Hearing a voice echo throughout the barren walls, your heart leaped into your throat as your eyes widened. A rather thick, accented voice came to be as shadows appeared from the staircase just down the hall. Had they come to finish you off? Or had they come to bring you food--your stomach was quite angry with you for not feeding it--how long were you even out for?

"I want to see the prisoner, see if she it is her...we can't just pick up a random woman and assume she is the one," The voice spoke, causing you to gulp as you slowly backed up. It was official, you preferred the First Order over the mysterious man any day. "She is a pawn in this war, if we have her, means we will bring an end to this stupid battle. It's corrupting my business, it's making me lose money!" The man shouted, a bang vibrating through the walls and causing you to shiver as you heard the voice come closer.

_Pawn?_

"Here she is, sir." Snapping your head up, you saw a trio of dark figures in the midst of the dark shadows appear in your view, standing just parallel from you outside the gates separating you from them. "Kali and I removed her from that rotten uniform of the First Order-"

"First Order? She is no member of either side!" The mans voice boomed.

"Sir, she was held hostage under their supervision, remember? They must've made her change-"

"Those filthy fiends, they thought they could get their hands on _my_ prize. She is of high value for either side...we must make sure _no one_ finds her," The man interrupted, causing your eyebrows to furrow. How were you worthy? Let alone, what _was_ your worth?

Hearing the lock unlock as the gate screeched open, you winced at the sound. "Y/N Y/L/N...it must be..." Looking up to the man slowly approaching you, you took a step back, only to feel his hand roughly tug on your chin forcing you to look deep into those gloom eyes. Although they were an unnatural color of red, the lack of normality frightened you. It wasn't every day you saw someone with _red_ eyes. "How could I have been so lucky?" A wicked grin played on his lips, causing you to frown as you tried your best to snatch your own head away from his grip.

"You weren't luck, you kidnapped me!" You seethed, only to feel his grip tighten, the pressure on your chin and cheeks making you squeeze your eyes shut.

"Kidnapped from being kidnapped... _you_ must be so unlucky-"

"No shit!" You snapped with a low grunt.

"You will be of great use to us--to me."

"And why is that? I am no Force user nor am I of any importance to you!" You grunted once again as your eyes fell open, nearly flinching at the mans down-right disturbing face. ~~He was no _Ben_~~.

"As far as you're concerned, you're not...but to us, to me...to _them_ , you are of high importance, my dear. You hold powers that not even you, yourself, know of."

"I am nothing but a normal woman!" Thrashing around, the man instantly shoved you against a wall, causing yet another grunt to be released from you as the pain in your forehead resurfaced.

"You are nothing near being a normal woman, might I inform you..." He grinned, making you shift your eyes away to the wall, finding much more interest in that. "Kylo Ren...he has interest in you, along with general Organa..." Snapping a look at him, his eyes studied your facial features. "It is, without a doubt, you they are fighting for."

"Fighting?" You questioned ever so quietly, you weren't sure it was audible.

"Yes, fighting...this _bond_ , not many know about it, do they?" Feeling your heart sink as it had slowly found its way back up, you gulped. How did this man know if not many knew? Who was he even? "Amazing...only the most important of either side do, coincidence, isn't it?" It was not from where you were standing, from the things you _knew_. "Do you know how strong a Force Bond can become?" He asked, only to receive the hollow sound of wind blowing be a response. "It can get to the point where one can flow into the other and strengthen--or even weaken--them. What do you think the Resistance wants? And what do you think the First Order wants to prevent?"

Knitting your eyebrows, you hadn't realized you actually responded until the man nodded. "To weaken the commander..."

"Good, something finally snapped in you. You are a toy in this war, a pawn. You can either inspire or destroy those thoughts of Kylo Ren, yes? You can cause such damage to the First Order without even knowing it..."

"Then why am I of such importance to you?"

"Because, with such great power, we can use you to drag Kylo Ren over here," With a small tilt of his head as his callused thumb rubbed against your cheek, you flinched at the touch. He was not allowed to do such _gesture_ to you.

Narrowing your eyebrows even more, you felt yourself being taken back, "Why? You are not a part of the Resistance, and obviously not the First Order, so why is he of importance to you?"

"Because the bastard is the reason why I am losing money, why I am nothing now!" He shouted, causing you to bite the inside of you cheek. "He has taken _everything_ away from me..."

"So your own concern is your wealth and _yourself_ , not the people stuck in the midst of it that want no part in it?" You narrowed your eyes, disgusted at how self centered the man was.

"Of course, money is of high importance to me, and that brat Kylo Ren took it from me! So that is why you're here...so I can take away _everything_ from him."

"He already lost me," You harshly stated with a snap.

"Ah, yes, but has he lost himself?" Shifting your eyebrows, the mans only raised. "He has yet. He has yet to lose anything but his father and you--but he hasn't lost himself."

"What are you trying to imply?"

"The man needs to be executed."

"You're saying this is a trap?! That I am just some piece in your plan?! So you can _lure_ him here?!" Feeling his hand leave your chin as he turned around and walked off, he simply shrugged.

"In a way, yes. It's only fair to attract him with the one thing he truly loves. Loved? I don't even know, all I know is you are his weakness, and leading him to his weakness only makes him _weaker_."

"You selfish, uncivilized, heartless asshole!" Tugging on the restraints, you felt the heat rise in your face. "Who would do such a thing?!"

"What, like you care?" He looked over his shoulder. "You said it yourself, he had already lost you...so what difference does it make that I _kill_ him?"

 _Kill him_. The sound of it only made your breathing grow unsteady, an image of Kylo laying dead in front of you prancing around your mind, only making you feel _weak_. No matter how much you claimed to have ~~hated~~ the man, you never wanted him to _die_ , because in the end, even if you hadn't realized it just yet, he had your _heart_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, fuck...


	12. XI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "...but what's more depressing is seeing her d e a d..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I'm kinda half asleep, so I'm REALLY sorry if this chapter seems rushed or a bit too much, I felt like this story has been having a (somehwat) slow build to it, so I wanted shit to happen. This chapter really could have been split into like three with the amount of detail I could have added. But lets be honest...that meant about 1-3 chaptes of not really having much kylo x reader interaction and we don't need that. Small FYI: there is mention of death in here amongst a few other triggers (I can't remember all...but I think there's only a few, like starvation, self-loathing, and *some* blood). I hate to say this, because this is the least bit enjoyable, but...none-the-less, enjoy!

"Kill him?!" Your voice echoed through the walls and the hallway. There was a bolt of fear the moment _kill_ left the mans mouth. No matter how hard you _tried_ convincing yourself you _loathed_ Kylo Ren, nothing could seem to block out that annoying constant reminder that you felt something for the man--whether you wanted to accept it or not. "Y-you _can't_ kill him!" Tugging on the restraints, the other two came into view as the pulled you back, preventing you from lashing out on the man that was only a few feet away. "Do you know how _irrational_ that sounds?! You won't even shed his blood with how powerful he is!" Trying your best to free yourself, the man only turned around.

"Of course, my bare hands can't do no harm to a Force user...but, _remember_ , that is why I have _you_ for." With a smile on his face, you let out a growl, your teeth clenching as the man leaned forward and dragged his index finger along your jawline. "He will come, sooner or later, and he will try and free you...and that is when he will be his weakest--seeing the state you're in."

Feeling the want to attack the man slowly die down, confusion took control as your eyebrows knitted, a look of bewilderment spread across your face as you only shivered from his sinister laugh. "State I'm in?"

"Did...did you honestly think I was gonna care for you? Feed you, give you a nice hot shower to clean yourself in? All the basic necessity _you_ basic humans need to live?" Feeling your lips part as you felt the urge to gasp, _yell_ , anything to express the disbelief you had been feeling. This man really was the worst, was he born and raised in the deepest pit of hell? Did he really only care about himself and only himself? What about the two holding you back now (whose grips only loosened a bit from your sudden frozen state)?

"You're-you're gonna leave me in here? To rot?! You don't even know how long it'll take for Kylo to find me! It could be months! I-I could be dead by then!" Feeling your heartbeat quicken as your anxiety now skyrocketed, this week couldn't have possibly gotten any more worse... ** _nothing_** could top _this_.

"Well...then I guess I'd have to leave the torturing out...if you die, that'd be the ultimate pain anyone can conflict on Kylo Ren." Shrugging without a care, you felt the rage build up again as you thrashed around, the pair holding you back once again as the man waved a hand. "Oh, don't worry...one of you _has_ to die at the end. I can't have you two running around freely, now can I?" And at that, he disappeared back into the darkness, the man and women harshly tossing you onto the cot as they walked off, only to have the younger man look back at you for a mere second. Had he just given you a look of sympathy? Did he really care? You must've been mistaken, the guy was working for the devil, there was no way he felt sorry for you.

But, soon enough, you were going to feel sorry for yourself as the next five days went on--this was how you were going to die. Not after your parents, not with the people of your home planet-- _no_ \--in a wretched dungeon locked up like an animal, left to starve and decay.

Five days. It had taken Kylo five sleepless days to finally find out the planet you had been in. He was growing anxious, hopeless, paranoid...he was _afraid_ it was going to be too late the moment he had found you. By now, he was sure to have some bald spots at how many times he roughly tugged at his lengthy hair. The amount of stress he had put on himself doing this alone only made him more mad.

That is, until a certain _someone_ stepped up.

"I suggest you sleep on this and get to it first thing in the morning," Phasma stood in front of Kylo as he sat sloppily at his desk, head thrown back on the chair as his legs sprawled out, hand rubbing his forehead as even the dimmest light seemed to have bothered him.

"I need to find her, Phasma, before it's too late..." Within the second day, Phasma had came in and suggested to help. Out of anyone on the base, Kylo trusted _her_ the most. She was persistent and hardworking, and was nowhere near being a pest. Her company was actually enjoyable unlike a _certain_ ginger. She got things done without questioning.

But Kylo knew she was curious--why would the commander spend so much time trying to find said girl? Of course, Phasma already knew the answer, Kylo just didn't know she did. So, he gave and took (well, in his case, took and gave). In thanks for helping him _not_ die from over exertion and stubbornness, he informed her on everything. Everything? Well, almost. He left out a few things here and there, but just enough for her to get the gist of it. "Have you felt it?"

"Felt what?" Kylo questioned, eyebrows furrowing as he continuously rubbed his forehead.

"The pain, have you felt it again?" Arching an eyebrow and peeping an eye open, Kylo sat up and turned his chair to full on face her as his elbows leaned on the metallic table, heels of his hands rubbing against his eyes.

"Yes...here and there...as if something inside me is-is dying? It isn't anything I have ever felt before, I am not sure what it is..." Rubbing his face, Phasma took a step closer and handed him a file that contained everything he needed to know in order to get to the destination.

"I think you do," With a small nod, Kylo looked up and narrowed his eyebrows. "Think again." Slightly tilting his head, Kylo couldn't seem to get what Phasma was trying to imply. "The pain, it's Y/N-"

"What do you mean?" Narrowing his eyes, Kylo sat up.

"The pain must be her, she must be feeling something, and you are feeling it somehow...whatever it is, it means she's still out there...for all we know-- _still_ kicking and screaming. She's alive, commander...you _feel_ it in yourself. You feel it in the _bond_."

"How are you so sure? For all we know, it's severed _completely_."

"How are you so _unsure_ , commander? You seem to be doubting the one thing you never doubted before--the Force. Listen to it, by now, it's all the help you've got left. We've done all we can to find her--DNA samples, trying to connect the stolen armor to who had taken it, _everything_ \--all that is left is you, commander. You and the Force."

Taking in a deep breath, Kylo rubbed the sleep away from his eyes as he suddenly stood up, grabbing onto the file. "Thank you, captain."

If the helmet hadn't covered her face, Kylo sure would have been thrown off at how wide the grin was on the captain. Phasma couldn't really remember the last time she _truly_ smiled--from the _heart_ \--the idea of Kylo wanting to save someone sparked something in her. It was _adorable_. She couldn't resist the thought that, the _almighty_ Kylo Ren, had someone out there for him...someone that could bring him down, someone that was his weakness and could keep him _sane_. It proved that the commander _did_ have a heart, unlike what others believed. It made her _happy_ , she had to admit, there was no rule in the book that a captain could not feel happy for their comrades...right? In the end, Phasma wanted Kylo to find contentment in something that didn't involve injuring her men more tearing the base apart. But when it came to a significant other, well Phasma would _never_ admit to this, but it _melted_ her heart. "It is my honor, commander."

Kylo could sense the shift in tone, was she actually full of glee? No, that couldn't be it, she was just thankful for the fact that he'd finally snap out of this craze and get it over with. Right? If anything, Phasma saw this as a distraction, a delay in the real matters on board. Or did she? "I have faith in you that not a word will be spilled, yes?" He asked over his shoulder, already latching onto his helmet. It must've been early (way early) in the morning, there was no doubt people would question as to why the commander would be leaving the planet at such dreadful hour.

"Of course, commander." She slightly bowed her head. "And I have faith in you that you will come back with our guest, _yes_?" Feeling his lip twitch with a smile, he turned his head back as he nodded, sliding on the helmet before proceeding to exit.

"Of course, captain." With that, Phasma saw the wave of his cape disappear into the hallway as she turned back around, her eyes landing on a small note as it was precisely placed in front of her. When was it put there? _If I am not back within the forty-eight hour mark, I have hopes you will come find me._ Had Kylo really trusted Phasma that much? And did he really doubt himself that much? Phasma knew the man for a while and never did he shed an ounce of doubt nor fear when it came to missions...maybe it was because he was always with a team and not alone. But Kylo is strong, he is a Force user, there is _no_ doubt the man would lose to whatever-- _whomever_ \--had taken you. "As you wish..." With a small sigh, Phasma crumbled the paper and tossed it.

The apprehension was flowing through Kylo's veins, every step he took towards the hangar caused an extra beat to his heart. The closer he got to the TIE fighters, the faster his heart would pound. Why was he so anxious? It wasn't like he was about to enter a battlefield alone, after all, he was beyond skilled and could easily defend himself. But still, there was a sense of hostility and Kylo couldn't _grasp_  onto the reason as to why.

Quickening up his pace, Kylo hadn't realized how quiet the base had gotten around the middle of the night, it was so late (actually, early) in the night that there had been little to no movement going on. It was a bit _creepy_ , if he had to admit. He was so used to the fast movement going around him that now that it was so slow...it felt so _off_.

Taking in a deep breath as he fixed himself in the pilot seat, Kylo felt a gulp coming on. Why was he so damn nervous? Was it because he was going to face you after what happened that night? Or maybe he was afraid that you wouldn't want to leave with him. But you were in pain, as Phasma stated from Kylo's own aching, and there was no way in the galaxy you'd _want_ to stay where ever you were. But would you want to go back? You definitely didn't see the base as your home...but you had no home, so where were you supposed to go?

All these questions clouded his mind the entire flight. Kylo had gotten to the point where he considered offering you somewhere else to stay, a nearby planet just so he knew you were safe. But then he remembered, you wouldn't want any part of him, so what made him think you'd take that offer? His stomach was turning, for the worse, he didn't know what he was going to do--he wasn't even thinking about what he was going to do to your kidnappers! 

That said quite _a lot_.

He was way too focused on your well being, wanting you to feel safe and [somewhat] happy that the thought of bringing death upon your kidnappers was the last thing on his mind. Sure, it was itching at his skin, reminding him of the _real_ man he had become and what he _really_ should be focusing on...but how could he when his _angel_ was in harms way?

That brought him back to when you were on the base. You felt you were in harms way there, so where didn't you really feel that way? 

Then it hit him.

Kylo was _scared_ that you'd demand to go them [the Resistance]. Why wouldn't you? You had your parents there, you had a couple of friends you had met along the way there, that was the next best thing to home for you. But Kylo was being his _selfish_ self and couldn't _bare_ the thought of not seeing you again unless he raided the Resistance base.

And he knew that was _not_ what you would want him to do.

He was in a _very_ difficult position.

Getting lost in the never ending maze that he called his mind, he hadn't realized that it had been hours since he had left the base. His sleep deprived state was long out the window, somewhere lost in the vast galaxy as his thoughts kept him wide awake.

There was an unsettling feeling that pooled up in his stomach, if it wasn't for the fact that the radar indicated he was close to his destination, his gut instinct was a dead giveaway. The closer the TIE fighter got to entering the crummy planets atmosphere, the louder the ringing in his ears (of a sudden warning) got. 

Then the pain hit again. He hadn't felt it since he had left Phasma a while back, as if it had died down for a moment. It nearly frightened Kylo that he couldn't feel your pain, but the fact that his thoughts were going a hundred miles an hour, how was he supposed to feel the pain when he was _too_ focused on the deafening sound in his mind? 

As soon as he landed on the rather murky planet, Kylo didn't spare anytime to find you. He _ran_. He didn't know where to, but he was listening to his _instinct_ , he was focusing on the _Force_. The bond between you two, it had to have someway to lead him to you, it did it before, so why not do it now when it _really_ mattered. 

The planet was swampy and covered in nothing but trees, it remind him of something he had heard in tales his uncle once told him before bed--kind of like _Dagobah_. Except this planet was way worse than that of the stories. It was nowhere near being pure, it was dark and gloomy and creatures growled from beneath the marsh and inside the trees. How in the galaxy could someone even live here? This was inhabitable, there was no way _humans_ had kidnapped you.

~~ If only you knew where you had been, you were sure to believe a man who made a lot of money would _not_ live here. ~~

You hadn't slept for the past five days, not a bit of water had glided onto your tongue nor an ounce of food entering your belly. You felt dead, you were sure you _were_ dead, hell, you must've _looked_ dead by now. How long could a human go without these things? For sure you surpassed the three day mark of not having water, but now that you were about to enter your sixth day, you were beyond weary. Food, well, you could go about three weeks without it...but that meant you were going to be nothing but skin and bone by then. Sleep was another thing, one could only hope to survive eleven days without it, but you...you needed sleep _now_. But there was so much in the back of your mind (along with in your stomach from the pain) that couldn't let you sleep. 

You wanted to die, death must've been far more better than this. You refused to call out to Kylo, knowing the bond linked you two, you did not want to lead him to his own death. You started having hopes that he _wasn't_ going to find you, or maybe Hux had covered up your disappearance. How selfless you were! You were practically _dying_ over here and you preferred not to let Kylo _die_ with you.

The asshole said only _one_ was going to die, and by now, you were _sure_ it to be you any moment now.

You felt beyond weak, _beyond_ numb, you couldn't even seem to move from the position you were lying in--on your side, arms pressed against your chest as your hands clutched onto the tattered material. Your mouth was extremely dry, your skin growing pale as your heart was beating so loudly, it was hollowing out your ears. If you wanted to live to see another day, you _needed_ water. 

After the third day, you had started becoming dizzy, then the fourth day came and you couldn't seem to move at all, forcing yourself to lie on the cot rather than jump around from corner to corner as your behind had grown numb from sitting on the hard ground for too long. You were fatigue,  and you were ninety-nine percent sure your kidneys were malfunctioning. 

Death sounded _so_ good by now, you never were one to quit, but all your hope was down the drain. You were almost six days in...how were you _not_ supposed to feel doubtful? It pained you, it aggravated you, and it _weakened_ you. How could that man be so cruel? You were _traumatized_.

It wasn't like they tortured you, but they left you there to deteriorate, to pass away, all for what? To kill Kylo Ren? You couldn't help but admit, this man was _far_ more worse than the First Order, this man was the spawn of satan--or satan himself, he had to have been. He was greedy and downright _disgusting_ , you were sick of the man and you barely even knew him. 

Hearing rather hurried footsteps grow louder, you didn't even bother acknowledging them. If it were the young man that seemed the least bit concerned, he was a _tad_ bit late now. Hearing the foot steps come to a stop, your eyes had fallen close from how heavy they felt. By now, you were sure they were going to stay like that, you didn't even have the strength to reopen them...all you could do was _cry_. Cry yet again, it was the _shittiest_ week of your life, and all you could do was _cry_ and _scream_. You _hated_ yourself for it. _You're such a fool...you're so weak, all you do is cry. You should feel sorry for Kylo instead, he has yet to harm you, but yet you harmed him...yelling and yelling, always yelling at the poor boy for what reason? He was only trying to protect you._

Wincing at your own thoughts, you let out a small whimper. If this was how you were going to die--with your own thoughts driving you insane--you sure you weren't going to last long.

Hearing a loud clank, your heart flung out of your chest as your body jolted, eyes surprisingly shooting open as you saw the gate now forcefully rip open. Rip? No one here had the power to do that, as far as you were concerned. You couldn't tell who it was, your vision too blurred to even focus. "Y/N..." The voice breathed, a sudden wave of chills crashing into you as you instantly recognized the voice.

 _Ben?_ No, you were imagining this, you were _hallucinating_. The dehydration must've done this to you, of course, he couldn't have possibly found you, let alone, be _here_.

"Oh my g-...Y/N!" Squinting your eyes, you tried and tried to sit yourself up, forcing yourself to move as you sat up, only to feel yourself fall forward as it was instantly engulfed into someone elses body. The heat it radiated, it was so... _comforting_. The arms that were tightly wrapped around you as one hand found the way at the back of your head, nearly clutching onto a fistful of your hair. Were you dreaming? Was this supposed to be death calling out to you? If it was, it was quite soothing.  If you wanted to die now, you were happy to die in whosever's arms these were. "No, you're not dying on me!" Nearly flinching at how loud the voice was, the person gently pushed you off of them as one of their hands held onto your shoulder, the other clutching onto your cheek as their thumb stroked it.

It felt so real, so... _familiar_? "K-Kylo?" You stuttered, voice coming out hoarse and scratchy. Suddenly, your eyes went wide as you shook your head. "Y-you...you shouldn't...you shouldn't b-be he-...here!" You cried out, shaking your head as you watched his eyebrows knit.

"I need to get you out of here..." Ignoring your words, both of his hands gently held onto your face as his eyes gazed into yours. It was heartbreaking, it made his heart _break_. You looked so... _damaged_ , so lifeless, this wasn't the young woman he had seen less than a weak ago, it was her corpse. "What did they do to you?" Studying your face as you leaned into his hands, feeling the least bit of comfort in them, you tried snapping out of it as you held onto his wrists, shaking your head. 

"P-please...you need to go...now," You nearly whispered, you were so fearful they would find him, so fearful that they would kill him. Would? Those three couldn't stand a chance against him! But were you sure? You saw the look in his eyes once his connected with yours, he looked so _broken_ , as if he had just seen his worst nightmare come to life.

 _No_. This was _exactly_ what the man wanted, what he had set up, and Kylo stepped directly into his trap. "Y/N, I need to take you ho-...back, you need medical attention, we need to leave-"

"Leave?" Hearing a third party, your heart sank to the pit of your stomach, your eyes growing wide as they ever so slowly shifted from Kylo's to the mans. "Why so soon? The parties only just started!"

"Kylo...you-you have to go...the man, he's...he's gonna-"

"It took you long enough to arrive! Six days? Wow, and here I thought you were going to let her _die_..." Watching Kylo's eye twitch as his jaw clenched, your grip around his wrists grew tighter.

"Please, leave-"

"Aw, look, the woman that swore she had left you is now begging for you to go! You know, I really don't believe you have stopped loving him...I mean, you care so much-" Watching Kylo throw his hand out as if he were reaching over to the man, he only let out a deep breath as the man didn't even flinch. "Sorry, _kid_ , this skull is pretty thick." Tapping his temple, you tried your best to get Kylo to focus back on you, you did _not_ need this situation getting anymore worse.

"Please, don't do this...he-he's setting you up!"

"Don't listen to the girl, she is foolish-"

Feeling Kylo slip out of your grip, you nearly fell flat onto the ground as you watched him charge over to the red-eyed man, roughly slamming him against the wall as he held tight onto his collar. "HOW DARE YOU KIDNAP HER!" He roared, "HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO HER!"

"You're so pathetic," The man laughed, only to have Kylo throw a punch against his jaw, a small _crack_ being heard and making you cringe. "Go ahead, beat me up! It aint going to do much on me as it is to you!" Hearing another _crack_ , you heard yet another laugh leave his mouth as blood dripped down his nose and onto his mouth.

"K-Kylo!"

"You will pay for this you _pig_." Kylo seethed, fists throbbing from the want of pounding them against the fiends face multiple times. "You low-life _scum_ , you are inhumane-"

"Look who's talking!" Snickering, he threw his hands up. "You are the inhumane bastard! You ruined my business, you made me lose everything I had! Now I live on this shit of a planet because I couldn't afford anywhere else!"

"Kylo, j-just go!"

"Yes, I have done _many_ awful things in my life, but never have I tortured any living creature in _such_ horrendous way!" Kylo spat, pulling the man off of the wall, only to shove him again with such force that caused the bricks behind him to crack.

"K-Kylo! Leave!"

"I bet it hurts..." Wiping the blood from his nose as he licked his own blood off of his lips, the man let out a small huff. "Losing what's yours only to then lose yourself?" Narrowing his eyebrows, Kylo's grip grew tighter. "Look at you, you're going _insane_...your girl over there is _dying_ and all you care about is _murdering_ me rather than _saving_ her. It's _sad_." Feeling his heart rate slowly drop as his grip loosened just a bit, Kylo felt that pang in his chest that made his rage suddenly evaporate. "Do you honestly think she will ever love the _monster_ you are? You chose anger over protection, it's quite depressing, I tell you...but what's more depressing is seeing her _dead_  because you were too aggravated to even save her in time." Taking a step back as he let the man fall from his grip, he turned around to look at you.

"Y/N-"

Suddenly, everything around you seemed to move too quickly for your own comprehension, too fast to even realize what happened."KYLO!" Screaming with all that you had left in you, you _tried_ and _tried_ to lift yourself up, but it was too late once you saw the blood running down his chin. "K-Ky...BEN!"

"But...I'll admit," Digging the spear deeper into Kylo's stomach, an ear piercing scream left your parted lips as you saw the end of it break throw his skin. "... _this_ must hurt the most."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL, THAT HURT LIKE A BITCH!


	13. XII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "...this is n o t the life...you deserved..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: MENTIONS OF BLOOD AND DEATH. Warning to myself, you're about to die from the readers.

_Blood_. That's all you saw smeared across Kylo's stomach and chin. Was this all really happening or was it a nightmare? No, it was _far_ too real, especially when you could _feel_  an uneasy shift in your soul--no--the _Force_. You wanted to scream, to somehow save him from the atrocity, but how could you when you felt an excruciating pain in your lower abdomen? Clutching onto your stomach, your wide eyes slowly shifted from Kylo's wound down to your crimson stained hands. How was this possible? The whole time you were lying-- _kneeling_ \--on the ground as you watched the cruel act happen, no one could have possibly injured you. "Y/N..." 

Hearing Kylo soft cry, your eyes were glued on your now violently shaking hands, your heart (if it even still existed) fluttering out of your chest and echoing in your ears at the sight of the red substance-- _your_ blood. If there had been a level _beyond_ panic, that was the mental state you were now in. How in the galaxy were you bleeding, let alone, _coughing_ blood? How is it that you were literally mirroring Kylo's pain physically without having any _real_ wounds. The bond couldn't be _that_ strong, now could it?

"Oops...did not think that would happen?" The man, the _fiend_ , faked a pout with the audacity to push the spear a little deeper into Kylo's stomach, making the both of you cough out more blood. Every drop of blood Kylo shed, you did, too.

"Viktor..." The young man called out, watching in sheer disgust as he winced at the sight. "This is too m-"

"Hush, boy! Remember _why_ you're still alive!" Viktor rather cruelly barked as the young woman-- _Kali_ \--stood in front of the young man.

"Alasdair, please-"

"N-no! He-he is killing them! This...this is not what we do!" Nearly shoving her away, Alasdair was now at the mans side; the urge to shove him away and free Kylo from his pain was pulsing through his veins.

"We?!" Viktor seethed, shoving his mudded boot against Kylo's back as he hauled the spear out of him with such force that Kylo let out a rather jarring gasp. Kicking Kylo flat onto his face as he _stomped_ on the wound, a severe roar was released from the commanders mouth as his gloved fingers dug into the stone ground. "There is no _we_ in this matter, I am doing what is _right_!" Watching in horror as Viktor tossed the spear and roughly tugged on Alasdair's collar, shoving him against a brick wall, you had the urge to _somehow_ crawl to Kylo. It hurt, you were hurting, the sight of it was _hurting_ you--seeing Kylo in this kind of state was making your whole _being_ ache.  

"K-Kylo..." You quietly called out, reaching and reaching as far as you could for him, but the more you did, the more distant he had grown. "Ky-.. _Ben_.." At this moment, you couldn't care less about your physical--and mental--state. There was a _high_ chance you could be dying, but that didn't matter to you, what mattered was that he _couldn't_ die. You _wouldn't_ let him. Because in the end, after realizing that your stubbornness was a way to push away the fact that you _still_ felt something for him that wasn't driven by the Force, you _forgave_ him.

After all, he was only saving you from _himself,_ and you _wanted_ to save him from _his_ end. Because, although he was completely unstable, the suffering he went through  was _real_ and it was eating him _alive_. 

Because in the end, you still _loved_ him.

"Right?! Viktor, this is _wrong_!" Alastair shouted back as Kali tried pulling Viktor away. "You claim to dislike--no-- _hate_ the First Order, yet, you're acting just as cruel as them!" At the sound of a loud clap, your eyes shifted from focusing on Kylos distressed body, over to the now red cheek Alastair had.

"Do not dare compare me to those men, to _that_ demon on the ground, he is only getting what he _deserves_..." Pointing his finger dangerously close to Alastair, you heard a low groan come from Kylo, causing your attention to snap back at him as you could see his blood puddling up underneath him.

"Deserves?! Death is not the best way to go, Viktor, and you know that!" Forcing your self up with the microscopic amount of strength left in you, you only felt your knees collide onto the ground as you _tried_ rushing over to Kylo's aid.

"P-please...stay with...me..." You whispered, blinking ever so tightly as you tried your best to keep focused, not wanting your drowsiness to overcome you. "Stay with me... _Ben_..." Weakly latching onto his arm, you rolled him over with gritted teeth as his weight seemed ten times more heavier. Applying pressure onto the wound, your weak arms were slowly giving out as you continuously looked over his face. His skin was more pale than usual, his blood stained jaw falling dry as his breathing became dangerously slow. "Pl-please!" Your hoarse voice called out, too low to even get mixed with the commotion behind you.

"I am only doing everyone a favor, Alastair! Getting rid of him only means getting rid of the war!" Viktor _literally_ spat, making Alastairs jaw clench even tighter as he gazed up at the man.

"And what makes you think there aren't others like him?! He has a whole army behind him, Viktor! They could come for our _necks_ the moment they realize he is _dead_!" Shoving Viktors hands away from him, Kali only pulled Alastair to a side.

"Do not do this, Alastair! This is foolish of you-"

Snatching his arm from her, Alastair had a look of distaste, as if he was disturbed that she had been teaming up with Viktor and not him. "The only fool here is you for taking _his_ side!"

Looking back over at the mess behind you, you only snapped your attention back to Kylo as you felt his grip latch and tighten around your wrist. "K-"

"I-I'll be f-fine..." He coughed, more blood seeping out from his mouth as you panicked. "You...need to get out of here-"

"I...I am not...leaving you b-behind!" You cried out, applying more pressure to the wound as you felt his blood now blend in with yours in your palms. "And-and don't lie to me!"

"Y/N... _please_..." Shaking your head stubbornly, you blinked away the tears as you pressed one hand above the other onto the wound. "Please...go-"

"No!" Shutting your eyes, you tried blocking out the sounds around you. It was catastrophic, it was a complete _war zone_ and there had been _only_ five people in the battle. You didn't care about your well being, you didn't want to leave him behind, not in his state. All you wanted was for him to be better; you could careless about Viktor's outcome, as long as Alastair got his freedom from him. Unlike Kali, Alastair had tried _multiple_ times to feed you, but every time he did, Kali got in the way. You couldn't comprehend as to why such young man was held in such horrible situation...he didn't deserve it what so ever.

You just wanted this to end, you wanted the pain to cease, you wanted Kylo to be okay, you wanted everything back to normal--or at least how it was way back when. You never imagined your life turning out this way, realizing your long lost lover had been your soul mate all along, only to have the world crumble from underneath your feet as days went on since the two of you reunited.

But now, you couldn't blame him, because he _never_ wanted this for you.

It was the outside forces that were to blame, as if you two were destined to be far apart from one another, as if it were--in fact-- _forbidden_ love. "Y/N..."

"St-stop...stop, I am not leaving you..." Feeling your bottom lip quiver, your arms had finally given out, causing you to fall flat on his wound and making him wince. 

You were so weak, you knew your time was soon to come. You had _failed_ him, he _wasn't_ supposed to leave this life _with_ you; although he was the villain, you could see how much he was _trying_ to improve himself--and it started with having you back. It made you wonder, did he have hopes you would bring the light back in him? Did he have hopes you would trigger something in him to make him snap out of it? How would you ever know the answer if you felt your _own_ life force fade away.

Feeling his hand slowly caress the back of your hair, you could feel the last inch of happiness in you still linger around. You had to hold onto it, this was your light and you could not let it go--let alone, go _into_ it. "I'm sorry...for all I have done..this-this is not the life...you deserved..." Feeling the heaving of his chest gradually drop, you only clutched onto the black material that covered his chest, as if he was your anchor holding you down from the grips of death. You didn't want to go, not now, no matter how much you preferred the option earlier. You had to stay, you had to make sure he was going to be okay, but the moment you felt an insanely tight grip on the back of your 'dress' pull you up onto your numb feet and shaky knees, you knew it was over with.

"KY...BEN!" You screamed, latching onto the mans arm, trying to free yourself. "BEN! DO-DON'T LEAVE ME! BEN!" Thrashing around, _sobbing_ , as you reached out for him, you only felt something knot up in your chest as breathing became too hard to do. " _BEN_!"

"Shut up, shut up!" Viktor covered your mouth, only making Alastair lash out just as he was instantly being pulled back into a headlock by Kali.

"Let her go! He's--he's dying!" Alastair exclaimed, clutching onto the harm wrapped around his neck.

"You fool, can't you see? He's  _dead_!" _Dead_. The word echoed in your head, your heart and lungs giving out, along with the rest of your body as you felt yourself grow limp. _Dead_. You felt every piece of yourself disintegrate into thin air as you gaped at his body sprawled out on the ground, your eyebrows knitting as your vision began to blur once again. _Dead_. If this was his end, you were sure yours was soon to come, after all, a piece of you just died. _He's dead._ He couldn't be, no, ~~Kylo~~ Ben was not dead!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know what you're thinking...what the fUCK?! But let's be real...is Kylo really dead?


	14. XIII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "...you're right--even monsters deserved to be l o v e d..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: MENTIONS OF BLOOD, DEATH, AND CHOKING.   
> Other than that, not as angsty, but hey...it's still sad!

_"You fool, can't you see? He's dead!"_ It was as if the world around you was spinning too fast for you to handle, your stomach turning at the sight as you had the sudden urge to puke. What kind of _fucked_ up situation was this? Your focus was glued onto the now 'dead' body lying on the ground just a few feet away from you. _Dead_. It felt foul in your thoughts, it didn't feel right, he couldn't have possibly been dead. Wouldn't you have felt the bond sever immediately? This couldn't be true, this couldn't be _real_. "LET ME GO!" You whaled, snapping out of your haze as you thrashed around, only to feel yourself slip out of Viktors grip and fall to your knees.

If Kylo had died a few days ago during your hateful state, would you have cared? Hell, why did you care now? It sounded insane from a third person point of view, a woman who once claimed to loathe the man, as if his name was venom dripping off of her tongue, now felt nothing but sympathy and torment mixed into one for him.

_You loved him_. 

At this point you couldn't deny it, because it took a wicked situation as this one to make you finally realized that your heart raced for this man. Man? Was he no longer a monster in your eyes? A monster wouldn't risk their life to save you...of course, he didn't know he would be risking his own. But, yet, he came _alone_. He _risked_ the fact that _anyone_ could have killed him on his lone journey. He risked the fact that anyone in the First Order could find out he pushed _everything_ to a side to save _you_. "Don't leave me..." You softly cried, clutching onto his lifeless body as your arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders and the back of his head. "Please...please...don't be gone."

_No_.

It was a miracle that you were somehow still functioning. Your weariness dissipated the moment you were ripped away from Kylo and any other pain you had been feeling before was only focused on that fast beating heart of yours. You were dehydrated, starving, exhausted...yet none of that compared to _this_. This was _the_ ultimate suffering. And you never thought that you would be _bawling_ over _Kylo Ren's--_ no _\--Ben Solo's_ unconscious body. Although it was claimed that Ben Solo died the moment Kylo Ren was born, all that was thrown down the garage chute when you could _feel_ Ben Solo's presence still in there, the light _trying_ to bring him back to life... _trying_ to keep _you_ safe.

_You love him._

You love him and you were sure a piece of you _never_ stopped loving him even if he removed himself from your memory, because even then, you still had some connection to him. "Please...Ben..."

"This is cruel, Viktor! The girl has suffered enough as it is, was death necessary?!" Alastair shouted, ripping himself out of Kali's grip and rushing over to Viktor, shoving him to the point he stumbled back.

"You don't know anything, _kid_! Stay out of it!" With a swing of the hand, Alastair only replicated the move, except with a full on force with a clenched fist, colliding it with Viktors nose. "You son of a bitch!"

"We are better than this, Kali!" He exclaimed over his shoulder as Kali stood in awe, looking back and forth as if she didn't know what to do. "We do _not_ kill to make a statement, we do _not_ torture others to get what we want done, it's _inhumane_!" Alastair spat over Viktors hunched body, only to be knocked onto the ground as Viktor tackled him.

"S-stop! Stop it! This...this is a disaster!" Kali sobbed, clutching onto her cheeks.

You were downright appalled, _disgusted_ at the man, _thing_. He was _no_ man, he proved himself to be the monster here rather than Kylo. There was a burning desire in you to inflict the pain he had given you onto him. _This isn't right_. Slowly removing your grip from around Kylo, you let out a small breath before standing up, feeling your fists ball up as your eyebrows furrowed. 

"STOP IT! YOU'RE-YOU'RE GONNA KILL EACHOTHER!" Kali shouted. It was pathetic, she was standing there doing nothing to defend Alastair from being punched to death.

"You distasteful beast!" Clutching onto the back of his shirt, you were sure to be amazed later on (if you were still alive by then) with how much force you emitted in order to toss the man off of Alastair. "You deserve to rot in hell!" Straddling him, you sent a blow to his now bloodied face. "You greedy-" _Punch_. "Selfish-" _Punch_. "Cruel-" _Punch_. "Bastard!" _Punch_. "WHO KILLS A MAN IN REVENGE?! WHO KILLS A MAN BECAUSE HE THINKS THAT WILL BRING BACK MONEY INTO HIS LIFE?!" Clutching onto his collar as you felt your knuckles swell up, you shouted into his face. "WHO KILLS A MAN BECAUSE THEY THINK THAT'S WHAT HE DESERVED?!" You couldn't tell what had over come you. Was this the taste of the dark side? What made you attack the man in such way where the skin on your knuckles were bruised up from the forceful blows you sent his way. "WHO TORTURES A GIRL TO LURE SAID MAN IN ORDER TO KILL THEM?!" _Craaack_! 

At the sound of the bone cracking, the sudden noise made you snap out of it. Never in your life had you gotten into a fight, it wasn't like you, you liked keeping _peace_. But now, now a side of you was revealed that you never imagined to exist. Was it really you or did something _possess_ you to act out in such way. What ever it was, it _terrified_ you...yet, you felt _good._

With the look of pure hatred in his red eyes as his eyebrows furiously knitted, an animal like noise seeped through his clenched teeth as his rough, callused, hands latched onto your arms and forced you down--him being the one to pin you. "THEM?! YOU HAVE _YET_ TO DIE, LITTLE GIRL!"

Wincing at the tone of his voice, you nearly gasped as you felt his hands snake around your neck. "I A-AM SURE I _AM_ DYING!" You breathed, holding onto his wrists as you tried prying them off. 

"HERE, WHY DON'T I HELP YOU OUT! WHY DON'T I REUNITE YOU WITH YOUR SORRY EXCUSE OF A _BOYFRIEND_!" Feeling his grip tighten drastically, your eyes grew even wider as you gasped for air.

"Y-YOU BASTARD!" Grunting, you continued on to pull at his wrists, only to feel your arms grow weak once again.

"We need to go..." Kali clasped onto Alastairs arm as he slowly sat up, pain vibrating throughout his face as he could feel the open wounds burn.

"Go?! I am not leaving-"

"She is not your responsibility, little brother!" Kali snapped, only making Alastair growl as he snatched his arm away from her.

"No sister of mine would condone such action, even if she didn't say anything. This is _not_ how we were brought up and this is _not_ how I want to be. I rather be homeless and stranded out there in the galaxy than be here with you two." He seethed, looking down at her.

"LET ME FREE YOU FROM YOUR SUFFERING." Viktor hissed, the supply of oxygen entering your body dropping by the second as you tried gasping for the necessary amount to breathe. "I'M SURE HEAVEN IS A MUCH SAFER PLACE THAN IN HELL WITH KYLO!" Moving a hand up to his face, you were about to press your thumb into his eye until you felt his hand snatch it away and pin your hand onto the ground while his other hand successfully proceeded to blocking your airways. "Or maybe you'll end up burning there, too, for loving such man," Gritting his teeth, a heavy breath left your mouth as he pressed his knee to your chest, making you wheeze.

You wanted to scream, cry, _anything_. But at this point you couldn't, it was _beyond_ difficult, it was enough that you were fighting to get air into you, how were you supposed to even speak? You were seeing spots, dark spots, you knew this wasn't good. You had prevented death so many times in under an hour, were you literally going to die from being choked to death? Your hands were slowly giving up the fight to be released and to release yourself, your whole body slowly falling numb as you had been kicking around. This _had_ to be your end.

Suddenly, you saw the mans mouth fall open, eyes growing wide as he had an instant change of expression. The feel of his hand coming loose and his knee falling to a side only made you search for air as your chest finally heaved with the pleasure of having oxygen fill your lungs. Your gratitude was only cut short when your eyes landed on the sharp object dangerously close to your own chest as it had pierced his. "The only one going to hell, is you."

Watching the reused spear being snatched out, his now lifeless body fell to a side as you rather quickly turned to your own side as you continuously coughed, focus landing once again as Kylo's body as your eyelids grew heavy. 

"A-Al-"

"You either join him on your own, or you help me save the girl," He pointed a finger, tossing the spear to a side like a dirty napkin. Instantly nodding, the young woman rushed to your side as Alastair, too, helped you up. 

You were weak once again, yet, _alive_. How were you still alive? How was it possible that every single obstacle thrown your way, you survived? It was a wonder. It had to have been the work of what ever entity--god, the stars, what ever it was out there that drove the Force. The _Force_ , the Force _must've_ been your armor.

"We need to get water into her system, _now_."

"K-K..." Unable to point as both of your arms were wrapped around their shoulder, you nudged your head.

"Take her to the living room, I'll meet you there," Slipping from under your reach as you felt your weight instantly drop, you were only tugged away from the cell as the woman nearly dragged you up the stone steps and into a rather vast living room. 

"I-I'm sorry..." She exhaled, gently placing you down on the worn out couch as she nervously rubbed her hands. If you could, you would've rolled your eyes and complained, but with the state you were in, you appreciated the apology. "I-...I have nothing to say..." She dropped her head, rushing away to retrieve some water for you.

Lying on the couch and gazing up at the glum ceiling, you heard your stomach growl for food as your eyes slowly blinked from fatigue. Seeing the cup of water hover of your view, you gratefully took it from her grip as you stared into space--or, actually--thought very hard into the situation you were in. Within two weeks you greeted death multiple times, cried hundreds of times, yelled thousands of times, and had your heart snap a good handful of times. It was amazing that you were still up and functioning with how the past ten days had treated you.

Then your mind fell back to Kylo and how _guilty_ you felt. He didn't deserve your hatred because he was unintentionally  ~~ cruel ~~ to you. Like he said, he wanted you to be nothing _but_ happy. Then it made you wonder, why would he choose the dark side? Was he really that lonely on the inside, even though he had you--and from what it seemed--a loving family? Or maybe he was always destined to take that route. But by the way you had seen him act the past ten days...it was _impossible_ to say he was destined for that path, rather, he found it as a scapegoat--an easy way out.

_Selfish_. He was downright selfish to take such turn and leave you. No, you wouldn't have joined him, but you would have done everything in your power to make him stay and remember as to why he had light in him. Yes, he was selfish, but he was selfish for _your_ sake. Because he knew you would never love him for the man he was soon going to become--a murderer, a monster, a fiend--the list went on. Yet, you couldn't see him like that anymore, as if the thoughts swept away. 

In your eyes, he was a hero, the man you loved, a man you once idolized--others would have wanted to smack common sense into you for thinking such way about _Kylo_ _Ren_. No, he was Ben Solo to you (although with some Kylo Ren aspects in him) you _saw_ Ben Solo. You saw the man you admired from afar, the man you shared your deepest secrets with, the man you once considered your best friend _and_ lover. The man you _forbiddingly_ loved all because _they_ knew he was filled with darkness...and they couldn't bare have the light in you be casted away. 

"What are we going to do with him..." Kali mumbled, gazing at Kylo's body as they lied it on a table behind you. "He's dead..."

Giving her a look as he arched an eyebrow, Alastair let out a sigh. "I can't believe I forgot this one major detail, but did _you_ forget he is Force sensitive? They have their ways...who knows what he is capable of. For all we know, he's healing." Alastair whispered. "He is a Jedi...he could be mending his own wounds as we speak. I mean, Viktor didn't hit any vital organs, well, he didn't hit the heart...he punctured through the stomach-"

"He went straight through, Alastair, do you honestly believe he can heal from that much?"

"I believe in the Force. No matter how cruel this man may be, or how much wrong he has done, _she_ does _not_ deserve this." Alastair nudged his head in your direction.

"Why? Why do you care? _He_ is the enemy, remember?"

"Yes, but what kind of _enemy_ has the _heart_ to travel far and wide to save someone? Especially someone who once seemed to strongly dislike the man...only to reveal that she _does_ like him." Crossing his arms, the young man looked into her eyes. "Riddle me that."

"You believe in love..." She stated rather than questioned.

"I believe in what is _right_...and if that is the case here, then it seems so."

"She is strong. If any other _normal_ human being went through what she had, they would be long gone...it-it is impossible to believe she is not-"

"We keep that to _ourselves_."

Snapping out of your gaze as you realized you had drank every bit of water in the cup, you gently placed it to a side, only to feel a tug in your chest. Looking over your shoulder, you instantly stood up and walked to Kylo's side. Although the water wasn't enough to get you going, it was enough to get you to his side. "Can you..." Looking over to the two, you took in a small breath. "Leave us...for a moment?"

Seeing the two nod, Kali instantly walked away as Alastair took a step forward. "I'm so-"

"Thank you," You said with a halfhearted smile. "I appreciate it..." Seeing his mouth shut, followed by a courteous nod, he turned on his heel and exited the area.

Softly getting a hold of Kylo's gloved hand, you removed the leather material and intertwined your own fingers into his still ones, brushing away the strands from his face as you felt your eyes tear up again. You had the urge to roll your eyes, you were _tired_ of crying, but this time...this time it was _necessary_ , because it was an alternate way to release the pain without harming yourself even more.

"I'm s-so sorry..." Feeling your bottom lip quiver, you shut your eyes as you took in a deep breath. "Wow...I never thought I'd be apologizing to the man I was supposed to fear..." You shook your head as you reopened your eyes, as if in hopes to see he was breathing once again, only to be disappointed as your shoulders slumped. "I treated you cruelly when all you wanted to do was...apologize. I guess I just wasn't ready to be confronted by the truth, or fate. Let alone, I was in the worst predicament...I mean, I lost my home...my friends...almost everything. But the pain I felt then...it-it doesn't compare to what I feel now? It-it sounds ridiculous...but yet, it doesn't, because you've left this life and no one should ever feel the pain of losing a loved one." Taking in another shaky breath, you leaned forward as your free hand softly stroked his hair. 

"You are so right...this bond...it works wonders. It must be how i'm here now...speaking to you from the living. Gosh...I hope you're not behind me as a ghost...that would only make the situation worse," Letting out a small laugh, you shook your head as you bit your lower lip. "I hope...I hope you did not die--in someway--for me, just so I could survive this. Because I will personally revive you and kill you _myself_." Leaning your chin on his chest, your hand moved down onto the black material of his outfit as you began drawing circles with your finger tip. "I should stop trying to make myself laugh...all I feel is gloom, nothing but it, and I know it's eating me alive--along with everything else. But whats consuming me the most...is that you're gone. I keep reverting back to your death, how could I not..." Wiping away a few tears, you sniffled. "I feel as if it's my fault..."

There was a surge of sorrow that reverberated through Kylo, a feeling of anguish when the words 'my fault' left your mouth. Even though Kylo's heart wasn't entirely beating and his chest wasn't shifting, he could somehow _still_ feel your emotions. And they shattered him. If there was any possible way to slip himself back into consciousness, he was sure his damaged self would be beyond upset that you blamed yourself, that he'd only have _himself_ to blame for it all. Because in the end, Kylo _always_ felt at fault for _everything_ wrong that has happened to you.

"I should have never ran away from you, I should have never avoided the issue. I should have confronted it in a more mature way...but how could I when I didn't know you in _that_ way? I only saw you as a man who should only be feared, one I had only seen a few times in my life--not as my long lost _lover_. But then you gave me my memories back and I-...I didn't know how to feel...I-I was conflicted, I was being ripped to pieces. I didn't know what to do. So I kept running away from it all, because I couldn't handle it...how could I? It just...I was so stupid...so foolish. I should have known how much pain _I_ was causing _you_. I hate the feeling, because--you're right--even monsters deserve to be loved. And _I_ loved you, Kylo..." You whimpered as you felt your breath hitch. "I _love_ you..." 

Feeling yourself grow weak in the knees, you only slid onto the floor as your fingers were still latched onto his, knees being pulled into your chest as your arm wrapped around them, your chin burying into the crevice as you sat there and quietly cried to yourself.

It broke your heart knowing he'd never hear those words slip out of your mouth, after so many years. You knew he wanted-- _needed_ \--to hear them...but it was never meant to be _heard_. 

" _I_ love _you_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to give you guys a small break, I've been hurting you all way too much...


	15. XIV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Burn in h e l l..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: MENTION OF BLOOD AND DEATH!  
> Other than that, please enjoy this less angsty, yet thrilling, part 14.

_Let's think this through: you were having a pretty decent night, only to have a fire erupt in your house that lead you to realizing your parents had left you alone. Then there was the fact that Kylo Ren had saved you from the catastrophe only to wake up amongst the First Order on their new base. Following that, you found out your soulmate was no other than Kylo Ren--that scared the shit out of you. Of course, you then found out he was Ben Solo, only to soon find out you had loved him once--him taking your memories away for your own good. Then you ran off to Hux's room, stayed locked up for nearly four days, got out, got kidnapped, nearly died from a list of things...then saw Kylo die before your eyes._ How fucked up was your life now? Did you deserve this because the life you had before was actually  _normal_ and _stable_ , was life _that_ evil to make things circle the drain in the span of ten days to get a taste of just how unpleasant it can be?

_Terrible_. _This is terrible_. At this point, you couldn't process much. You were quite delusional, sitting in the same spot, holding Kylo's stiff hand in yours for a few hours now--or so it felt like. Here and there, Alastair came in to give you more water, amongst a few snacks to rebuild your metabolism, but proceeded to leave you alone. It was obvious that you were paining, but coming to the realization Kylo would never wake up hurt like a _bitch_. _How would the First Order feel?_ Why would you care, you were sure they'd find a new commander...one who _didn't_ have temper tantrums or 'daddy issues'. _How would the Resistance feel?_ Most would be pleased, one factor was out of their way...but _Leia_ , not only had Leia lost her husband, but now, she _truly_ lost her son. _How did you feel?_ Wasn't it obvious? It was something surpassing grief, a feeling you had never felt before. _So this had to be the way I'd find out that I still love him...through death._

Your back was aching, but it didn't compare to your heart. By now, you weren't as bad with the dehydration and hunger...sleep, well, here and there you found yourself dozing off, but the feeling of his fingers attached to yours only kept you awake.

You sat in silence, the howling sound of wind blowing by being the only thing to ring in your ears as you had a dull expression, eyes blinking ever so slowly as you could feel the dryness of your skin due to the tears, eyes swollen and nose runny. You were a _mess_. But your looks were the _least_ of your problem.

It was dangerous to sit alone with your thoughts, the wind was some help, but not enough to drown out the madness in your mind. No, you weren't succumbing to anything to get yourself out of this, at least you were strong there, but...anything was better than sitting alone suffering. So you stood up, let out a smell breath and gently removed your hand from Kylo's as you left a soft kiss on the back of _his_ hand, then proceeded to lie it down by his side as you planted another small kiss on his forehead, caressing his cheek and looking down at his pale face. "You're right, this _isn't_ the life I deserved...not without you..."

You felt so alone, although you truly weren't. You still had your parents. But in someway, you felt as if they had _abandoned_ you. If they had stayed, would you still be in this position? If they had taken you with them, would you have found out that you and Kylo Ren were soulmates and that you had once loved him? Or maybe, if they _had_ stayed, you would have died with them in the fire.

All you wanted was to be at _ease_. To be _free_ of this pain. But you had to live on, you had to be smart, you _couldn't_ let this consume as much as it was.  

It was funny, in a sense that this was so unexpected, you loving Kylo Ren? You admitting that you didn't deserve a life without him? What would your self six days ago say to you? Would she smack you for being so _stupid_? Or would she come to the conclusion that she was being too stubborn to realize that there was something in herself that still wanted him. It was a rocky situation, and somehow, you were slowly becoming stable--at least with the fact that you felt something for Kylo that _wasn't_ hate.

Walking down the stone steps as you felt chills run down your spine from the cold, you only came to a stop as you saw Kali and Alastair standing there, quietly conversing until they looked over at you. "Would you like some more water? Or snacks?" Alastair kindly asked, only to have you shake your head with a small smile as Kali took a few steps away.

"I-I'm fine now, thank you..." Walking over, you let out a deep breath. "I appreciate what you have done, Alastair...really. Thank you...for trying. The light in you, never let it go, or you will be greedy as _that_ man."

"If that is what darkness makes one do...I rather not," He stated, letting out a small chuckle as you slightly nodded. "I would try getting you out of here, but...we don't really have much spacecraft...let alone, any transportation of that matter," He nervously rubbed the back of his head as you patted his arm.

"I'm sure Ky-...uh, I'm sure _he_ brought one...it could only explain as to how he got here."

"If you need any assistance leaving, I can help? I know a few things about piloting, matter-of-fact..." He lifted up a finger, only to have a small laugh show on you.

"Actually..." Looking over as you saw Kali mind her own business, you leaned back to look up at Alastair. "You should leave with me...you don't deserve to be here. I'd ask Kali, too, but..."

"I understand..." He slowly nodded. "She wouldn't want to leave anyway, she claims this to be her home. I do not. The planet is too eerie for my liking, let alone, this cave we live in. It's a mess, I want to live somewhere with light, out of the dark. I want to be free...not trapped like an animal." Feeling a small smile tug on your lips, you felt warmth in your heart. The young man did _not_ deserve the life he was in, it was obvious he was _forced_ into it. It was a shame he had to be put in such place, if you could, you would've taken him back home with you, hell, you'd make your parents adopt him. But that was all fantasy and life wasn't as simple as that.

"I have nowhere really to go, I'm not sure if my home planet is okay...I know my home itself isn't, but that's a long story. I just know I can't-" Hearing a loud scream, your heart nearly fell out of your chest as you looked over, Alastair quickly turning around as he defensively stuck out an arm.

"Kali?!" He shouted, looking over, only to see the woman collide onto the ground as something had penetrated through her body and was pulled out. "KALI!" About to rush forward, you latched onto his arm and held him back, unsure of what was lurking in the darkness that had the ability to kill her. "K-KALI!"

"Y-you fools...d-do you think...do you honestly think this _lousy_ spear could kill me? I'm no human, it takes more than a stab wound to finish me." Hearing the bone chilling voice as you instantly recognized it, you watched as Viktor stepped out of the shadows, harshly kicking Kali's lifeless body to a side.

"KALI!" Alastair cried out, making you fight to hold him back as you definitely did _not_ want him dying, too.

"We-we need to go! Now!" You tugged, but Alastair was too grief-stricken to even listen.

"And you! How are you still alive?!" He roared, pointing the bloody spear in your direction as you felt you heart plummet, something in your throat building up as you swallowed the lump. "You should be dead with your boyfriend and now, Kali!"

"A-Alastair...please, we-we need to go..." You muttered, body shivering at the sight of Viktor's bloodied and battered face that was veiled with gashes and bruises.

"Go? You can't go..." Feeling the hair on the back of your neck stand up in fear as Viktor menacingly grinned over to you. "Not out there...not just yet..."

"Al-please, we have to go!" Feeling your breath hitch as Alastair slipped from your grip, he was about to pounce onto Viktor, that is until he savagely pushed--no--punched the young man out of his way, making his head collide against the brick wall and knocking him out cold. "N-No-"

"Are...are you terrified? You mustn't be, after all, you've dealt with _far_ worse...right?" Giving you a fake look of sympathy, you slowly backed up, feeling your body tremble in horror as your wide eyes watched him stalk closer ever so slowly. "The First Order must be more frightening than myself, of course?" Snapping the spear in half with his knee, you nearly jumped with a gasp at the sound of wood cracking.

"No, you-you're far more evil, you beast! You-you savage!" You retorted, fists tightening as you took small steps back. "H-How are you even alive?!"

"You said it yourself, a _beast_...I am no human, I am no _weakling_ like Kylo Ren. He is _dead_ and yet, I am still thriving on." He expressed with open arms, harshly tossing the wooden end of the spear onto the ground. "The real question: is how are _you_ still alive?" Pointing the sharp tip over to you, you looked over to Alastairs unconscious body and Kalis deceased one as you felt something lodge up in your throat again. You were _afraid_ , almost to the point where you were _petrified_. You couldn't be frozen, not now, this man...this _thing_ wanted to kill you as if that were his _only_ instinct. He wanted to rid your existence from the universe like he had with Kylo and Kali...it made you wonder, how many times has he killed before? He had done it so fearlessly, it _terrified_ you to even be this close with a psychopath as himself.

"I'd like to know myself," You responded with a strong heave of your chest as your breathing became irregular. 

"How about I make things easier for you-" And with that he lunged forward, knocking you off of your feet. If it wasn't for the fact that you had lifted your knee on time, you wouldn't have rolled away, but--of course--he got a hold of your arm and pulled you back. "You're not getting away that easy!" He seethed with the widest grin.

"Let go of me!" You screamed, trying to free yourself as you tugged your arm, trying to release it from his grip.

"Not this time, sweetie!" The rough pulling of your arm made your wrist hurt and your teeth clench, you trying to reach back to anything, only to feel him tug you forward as he forcefully pulled you into his chest, aiming the sharp blade towards your neck. "Choking isn't sufficient enough-" Knocking your head back, you heard him shout as you instantly freed yourself, kneeing him in the groin. 

Rushing over to Alastair, you tried waking him up, only to look over to Viktor and seeing him storm over to you. Grabbing onto one of the loose bricks that was sprawled on the ground, the man shoved you against the wall with a hand wrapped around your neck. "Let go!" Shoving the brick against the side of his face, you took in a deep breath before slipping away.

"Bitch!" But before you could even think of a way of escaping--or at least finding some sort of weapon--he tugged your hair back and tossed you onto the floor, making you wince from the impact of the hard ground colliding with your back. "I've had enough of you!"

"Leave me alone!" Shrieking, you tried kicking him, but he only shoved your leg out of the way. "Leave me alone!" You repeating, crying out as you held onto his wrist, trying to move the spear away from your neck.

"Die, already!" He spat through his struggles, applying more force into the aim of his weapon as you pushed away, just enough to make him stab the ground next to your head. Kneeing the air out of his stomach, you swiftly crawled out from underneath, about to stand up and grab a metal rod that lied on one of the walls, barely making it as Viktor latched onto your ankle and drew you back.

"No!" Reaching out for the rod, your fingers stretched out as far as they could, your other hand clasping onto the ground as you felt him haul you back. "Ugh!" Kicking your ankle, you jerked yourself forward, having your fingertips brush against the rod.

Hearing Viktor grunt, he gave another tug, pulling you back and forcefully turning you around. "Stop...being...a pain!" Shaking your head, you lifted your other leg up and shoved your foot into his chest, giving you enough time to spin around and latch onto the rod. "I said stop!" Grabbing your ankle once more, he yanked you with an immense force that you were now directly under him.

Without thinking it through, you brought the rod forward and jabbed it into his shoulder, making him howl in distress while you briskly pulled yourself away from him and rushed over to Alastair, forcing half of his body up against the wall as the palm of your hand patted against his cheek nervously. "Wake up, wake up!"

"GAH!" Hearing Viktor yell, you looked over and saw him pull the rod out and toss it with a sudden _clank_ following.

"Wake up, Alastair!" Smacking his face, you let out a heavy sigh as you realized he wasn't waking up anytime soon. "Shit!" Muttering, you quickly checked his pulse and thanked the stars that there still was one. Seeing something bulge out of his pocket, your eyebrows furrowed, reaching into it and nearly pricking your skin as you found a small man made knife. Holding onto it, you were instantly pulled up by your hair, making you hiss at the sting from the hair being nearly plucked out of your scalp.

Hearing the heavy breathing coming from behind, you rapidly swung your arm back and instantly felt yourself become free--for the matter of a few seconds. Feeling the strands of your hair tickle your shoulders, you were swung around and pressed back against the moist wall as his forearm pressed against your esophagus, a puff of air being forced out of your mouth as he held you there. "What a stupid move..." Hanging the bundle of hair in his grip, you knew cutting your hair free from him was better than stabbing him--the man was _invincible_.

"G-get o-off of...me!" Panting, your mouth fell open with a gasp as you felt an overwhelming pain well up in your hip.

"Maybe that'll hold you down!" Bitting on your lower lip, your head swung back as the hand that wasn't holding onto the makeshift blade fell onto the broken wooden spear and held onto it. 

Feeling Viktor tear out the spearhead from the incision he made, you let out an ear piercing wail as your eyes shut tightly, hand pressing onto the wound as blood seeped through the material of the dress and onto your hand. "UGH!" You weren't sure as to how far the wound went, but it sure as hell went  _deep_.

"You don't need that," Ripping the blood from your grip, you felt it tear into your skin as you let out another wail, this one lighter as you grimaced from the stinging feeling in your palm. Throwing it to a side, Viktor growled, "Any last words?"

Slowly opening your eyes, you spoke through gritted teeth. "Burn in hell..."

Before the man could respond, the sound of something cackling and burning sounded in your ears as a bright red light proceeded to light up the bleak, broad, hall; an unsettling noise leaving Viktor's lips as you heard the left over of the spear clash with the hard ground. Slowly shifting your head and eyes from his face, down to his stomach, you felt a small gasp escape your parted lips as you found the source of the light presented in front of you--the tip of the illuminated blade.

The tip of a  _lightsaber_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IS IT WHO I (YOU) THINK IT IS?!


	16. XV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "...you did what your heart d e s i r e d..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just something you all needed to mend your broken hearts, please enjoy :)

The burning and stinging sensation in your hip was suddenly absent, the bright red flare that instantly disappeared from Viktor's abdomen allowed his body to come crashing down onto the ground beneath you; an abrupt jolt was sent through your body as the collision echoed throughout the hall. You weren't sure as to when you had finally gotten the necessary rest you needed, because this had to have been some sort of dream-- _nightmare_. Looking up from the fallen body, your eyes slowly shifted up to meet those of your savior, breath getting caught in your throat from the sight of the  face you were now looking at. This _had_ to be a dream. 

But you knew, you knew this was _nothing_ fictional, this was _real_ and he was _standing_ right in front of you...how? Blinking, as if what you had been seeing was a figment of your imagination, you wanted to reach out to _feel_ that this _was_ real, but the aching pain in your hip thought otherwise. About to reach over to the figure towering in front of you, you felt your knees give out, body nearly colliding with that of the floor, only to fall into a pair of arms. 

Gently laying your hands on the lightly heaving chest, you looked up into the pair of--although in dull lighting--recognizable eyes, instantly feeling your bottom lip quiver as the ends of your lips twitched from wanting to frown and wanting to smile. Lunging forward and wrapping your arms around his neck ever so tightly, you were almost afraid you were going to choke him with how narrow your grip was. Even though your hip had been burning from the sudden movement, you bit through the pain, cheerfully sobbing as you realized this _was_ real. "K-Ky..Kylo!" You cried out, feeling your breathing hitch with every word as your hands clutched onto the material on his back. 

Feeling your knees, along with his, collide with the ground, you buried your head into the crook of his neck. He was confused, of course he was, he just came back from the _dead_. But that wasn't as confusing as to how you were holding onto him for _dear_ _life_. Sure, he remembered how you _didn't_ want him to die, but he did _not_ expect this. He thought you were just being...nice? Not as if you _actually_ cared about him dying. But by the way you looked, the way you wailed out, and the way you clutched onto him as if you _never_ wanted to let go, he knew you _did_ care. It made his heart shake from happiness, he never expected you to feel this way towards him, especially under these circumstances.

Then the whole event replayed in his mind, and he only felt himself shiver. _You_ were _dying_ , you looked as if you were on the brink of _death,_ and yet, here you were, somehow still alive. Of course, you were severely injured and probably still having a few problems with your sleep, eating, and hydration...but you were _still_ breathing. You were _strong_ and he admired that.

But then he realized it was his fault--or so he believed. If it wasn't for him somehow driving you away, let alone, bringing you onto the First Order base, you wouldn't be in this predicament. That's when he stiffened up and you felt it but preferred _not_ to acknowledge it.

Instead, you did what your heart _desired_ \--and that threw him _completely_ off.

Leaning back just enough, you crashed your lips against his own, feeling your heart flutter up to your throat as _your_ _own_ eyebrows raised from the sudden movement. Whatever had overcome you to make such drastic decision nearly paralyzed you, yet, it made you feel _alive_. Your heart raced with such ecstasy, as if this had been the _exact_ feeling your soul had craved for so long. Your whole body tingled with delight, the bliss of mouth to mouth contact made your anxious being feel at ease. He was alive and he was in _your_ grip. You held on so tightly, you didn't want to let go, you were sure you were crying into the kiss because you could nearly taste the saltiness of it. Oh god, had he tasted it, too?

On Kylo's end, his eyes were about to bulge out, now _this_ was unexpected. The feeling the kiss you had given him was so _foreign_ , yet, so _familiar_. This was the _exact_ euphoric feeling you had once given him before. It felt wrong, so so wrong, but he couldn't stop himself from _wanting_ it. He was the _commander_ of the First Order, the _master_ of Ren, the _apprentice_ of Supreme Leader Snoke, he couldn't do--nor _want_ \--such thing. Yet, here he was, wrapping his arms tightly around you, because all that mattered right now was that you were in his hold, kissing him with such force and desire that it made the _light_ in him pulse through his veins. Oh what trouble was he in.

The kiss was otherworldly; you didn't want to make it seem like a fairytale kind of kiss, but the way it made you feel--the way it made you _remember_ of how it once felt before--made it seem that way. 

You didn't want to let go, but sooner than later your lungs were going to beg for air, so you slowly pushed yourself off just enough to part your lips from his to breathe. The ghostly sound of wind blowing mixed up with the soft panting escaping from the two of you, your forehead laying against his. "Please...don't _ever_ leave me again." You breathed, moving your head away from his as you slouched into his chest as your arms folded underneath you, taking in his warmth.

Holding onto you with such grip, Kylo let out the slightest, inaudible, sigh as he looked up--as if to the stars--as he shut his eyes. Something in the back of his head warned him, _yelled_ at him, saying he shouldn't be doing this. This wasn't going to get any better for you, if you were to fall in love with him--which he hadn't know you had just yet--you would only feel your life crumble away. And he feared that you'd lose all the light in your soul if you loved him once again. _This_ was what he wanted to prevent originally.

But he didn't want to let you got, not _this_ time, he wanted to be selfish; because after so long, he _actually_ felt happy. A _sincere_ happiness. How could he possibly let go of that? Especially when he _finally_ had gotten you back. 

Now _he_ was the conflicted one.

Softly pushing you off of him, he got a hold of your chin and looked into your eyes--you were sleep deprived. It didn't phase him that it looked like your eyes were about to pop out with all the red veins running across them, nor did it bother him how puffy your eyelids were, it _concerned_ him and you _needed_ to be treated--or at least given some sleep. "You're hurt." Were the only hoarse words that left his dry lips, his hand shifting down from your chin, onto the now injured palm as his thumb gently brushed against the gash.

"I'm fine," You admitted, trying to steady your breathing. "It's you I'm worried about." _Worried_. Kylo felt his heart sink. You were _worried_ about him, something he hadn't heard in the longest of times, yet hearing it from you, it felt like it hadn't been so long ago. Feeling your hand trail down his chest, his eyes only locked onto your face as you eyed the bloodied area, realizing there had no longer been a _hole_ in him. _Insane_. Was this another ability he held that you didn't know about? Healing? "You-you died..." You stuttered, gazing at the now healed skin. "You were dead...I-I saw you die." His grip around your injured hand tightened slightly, just enough _not_ to inflict pain on your burning wound. "How?"

Looking back up into his eyes, Kylo only felt his throat lock. You cared. You were _carrying_ so much and it baffled him. Of course, he knew you wouldn't be too fond of his death, after all, you had recently _remembered_ you _did_ love him once...but he didn't expect you to be so...crushed about it. "You care?" His voice nearly cracked, only making your soften features grow stiff, eyebrows furrowing as your hands instantly dropped from his stomach and slipped from his grip.

"Of course I care!" You nearly shouted, clutching onto the collar of his pitch black tunic, wincing at the sting from the open flesh in your palm. "How could I not?! You died on me! You nearly left me for good _this_ time!"

_This_ _time_. Kylo flinched at those words. He didn't know what to say, what was he supposed to say? This was a strange situation to him, he didn't know how to approach it, especially with how upset you got. You were nowhere easy to deal with when you were upset."I may seem to have turned into some cold hearted _bitch_ , but do you have any idea how much I suffered seeing you die?! Seeing your lifeless body lie there without a single rise or fall from your chest?!" You shouted, shaking the tears away from your cheeks. "It hurt, Kylo!" With all the screaming, you had become slightly lightheaded and dizzy.

Holding onto your wrists, he slowly pulled your grip away and down to your sides. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize," Stubbornly looking away, you released a huff. "It's not your fault." Trying to stand up, Kylo reached out for you, only to make you swat a hand. But as you tried clinging onto the wall, your knees disobeyed and gave out, Kylo catching hold of you as you shyly looked away with a mumble. " _I'm_ sorry."

Taking in a deep breath, Kylos eyes shifted to the bleeding wound on your hip, instantly tearing off a piece of his clothing and wrapping it around, knotting it tightly enough to apply some pressure to stop the bleeding. Furrowing your eyebrows at his contraption, you held onto his arm to keep your balance as he spoke up. "You need medical attention." Looking up at him, you only diverted your eyes away as you let out a huff. "You're _stubborn_."

"And you're a _jerk_ ," You muttered, still looking away as you were too nervous to make eye contact. "You _died_."

"But I'm here now..." He stated, ripping yet another piece of fabric to wrap around your hand. If it wasn't that your whole body was aching with almost every movement you made, you were sure to have laughed with how uneven his tunic now looked. 

"Yes, but that doesn't change the fact that you had died..." Looking at the black material that was tied around your palm, you watched as Kylo's hand gently held onto your own, feeling your breath hitch as he leaned down to look directly at you, becoming face to face.

"Did you honestly think I would die _that_ easily? It takes more than a stupid spear." Seeing a small smirk tug on his lips as your hands fell to your side, you narrowed your eyes. Shooting a look at him, you frowned, his death clearly wasn't a joke to you. In fact, it was nowhere near a joke, especially for someone with mixed emotions. Crossing your arms, you turned your head away, eyeing Alastairs _still_ unconscious body. "Hey, uh...I'm just...jok-" Shooing him, you turned your whole body away, now facing Alastair as you watched his body shift and squirm a bit, _finally_ waking up. 

"Save it." You blatantly responded. _Way to kill the mood._

Hearing a moan escape from Alastair's lips, he rubbed his head and was presented to his sisters and now Viktors _really_ dead body. "Fuck..." He grumbled, turning on his back and looking up at you, only to slightly smile at the fact that you were _still_ alive, then, only to feel his eyes widen at the sight of Kylo. "You-you're alive?" He pointed, sitting up as he then looked back over at you. "And so are you? Well, _still_ alive. The Force must be on your side..." Rubbing his head again, you let out a sigh.

"Do you need ice?" You simply asked, feeling your legs wobble a bit from lack of strength, instantly feeling Kylo's presence grow closer to you, incase you'd collapse. A part of you wanted to smile at the gesture, but a part of you was still upset at his unnecessary joke. 

"I-I think I'm fine..." Trying to stand up, he wobbled a bit, you reaching out to hold onto his shoulders as he fixed posture. "Sorry..."

"Its..." Taking in a deep breath, you couldn't seem to concentrate as your head began to spin, you were so tired and _now_ was when it finally caught up to you. It must've been all the previous 'hype' that kept you up for so long. After all, you had to survive _somehow_. "F-" Before you could even finish, your eyes shut on you and your whole body fell back. Luckily for your unconscious self, Kylo caught you in time and carried you. _Finally_ , you were asleep...just unsure as for how long you'd be.

"There's a couch upstairs...you could lie her on there as I-" Before Alastair could finish, Kylo turned on his heel and briskly left. "Jerk..." Rubbing the back of his neck, Alastair took in the scene around him. It was downright depressing. The man who gave him a home was dead, killed _twice_ , while the young woman who he claimed to be his sister after watching over him for so long was, too, dead. _What a wonderful life_. Rubbing his eyes, he proceeded to clean up the scene, after all, that's all he could do now.

Sure, he could've mourned their her death, but in reality, he felt nothing but a void in him. He lived such a shitty life that he never really knew how to feel sympathy, that is until he saw the condition you were in. It had woken up something in him and he couldn't find it in himself to ignore it. He wanted to do something, he wanted to do good for a change, not cause trouble like how he was constantly forced to do under Viktors watch. It was _tiring_ and doing good _wasn't_ burdensome.

Gently placing you on the couch, Kylo lifted your head up just enough to lie it on his thigh as he sat with you, fingers getting lost in your rather unruly hair. You were a complete mess, yet, he didn't seem to care. In his eyes, you were still as lovely as ever. Throwing his head back, he felt a pang in his chest. These feelings he had for you, they were so _wrong_ , but they felt so _right_.

Then he wondered, by now, everyone--or someone--would've realized he was gone. Phasma was good with secrets, so she'd act like she had no clue. But Hux, the man who kept a thousand and one secrets to himself...who knows if he already found out and tattle-tailed on Kylo. But, unaware to Kylo, Hux kept his mouth shut as he knew how much shit he'd get himself into if he mentioned anything to anyone. Let alone, his guilt would eat him up even more.

By now it had reached almost the twenty four hour mark since Kylo had landed on the dreadful planet, and _about_ ten hours since you had knocked out. Kylo, originally, was going to stay up and make sure you were fine throughout your sleep, but exhaustion had crept up on him and he found himself in deep sleep. 

_"Forbidden! This is strictly forbidden!" The voice boomed, Kylo's eyes latched onto you as you were being held back, a pair of men--recognizable men--gripped onto you. "How could you, Y/N? Stay with a man like him! You were raised better than that! Have you not realized the monster he has become!"_

_Watching the tears stain down her you cheeks, Kylo felt his throat burn from yelling. "LET HER GO!"_

_"Shut up, you idiot, it is enough you have failed the Supreme Leader, let alone, yourself!" Hux seethed as a pair of stormtroopers held Kylo back, both of you being kept apart._

_"L-Let me go!" You fought, wanting to reach out to Kylo and run into his hold. "Let me go!"_

_"He nearly got you killed! Why would you run back to a man as himself?!" The man shouted at you as Kylo felt his teeth nearly snap from how forceful his bite was._

_"BECAUSE I L-"_

Shooting his eyes open as he gasped, he quickly looked down to your sleeping figure, seeing as how you were now curled up, a hand holding onto the hip injury as your other one had someway found its way into his own. Taking in a deep breath, his free hand had wiped away tears he hadn't realized escaped, rubbing his eyes as he sensed someones presence. "What is it?"

"N-nothing. I just, I heard you yelling..."

"Yelling?" Kylo looked over as Alastair came into view, handing Kylo a cup of water as his eyes drifted over to your intertwined hands, only to snap up.

"Yes, something about letting her go? Did you have a-"

"It is none of your business." Shutting his mouth, Alastair nodded his head. "How long have I been out?"

"Well, she's been out for a little over half a day now, about fourteen hours, you? Probably ten..." Nodding his head, Kylo nearly chugged the water as he felt you shift around. "I'll go get her food ready without a doubt she'll be hungry when she wakes up." And with that, he left, Kylo placing the cup down as he pulled you closer to him, sitting you on his lap as he wrapped his free arm around you just enough not to wake you. 

"Nothing will come between us, not this time."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, but let's be honest, we really didn't think kylo would die /that/ easy now did we?


	17. XVI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How much h a r d e r was this going to get?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This can be considered as a filler? But, it's still pretty cute-ish in a way! Enjoy!

It was the best sleep you've ever had, well, it wasn't something you wished for due to the factors that lead you to it...but, it was who knows how many hours straight of nothing but sleep--no dreams whatsoever. It was weird, yet, it did the job and you woke up feeling a whole lot better, minus the hunger and thirst. Shifting around a bit as you felt yourself slip back into consciousness, the first thought that greeted you was the 'flashback' of the 'small' kiss you shared with Kylo yesterday. You couldn't help it, a blush crept on your sleepy face, and lucky for you, Kylo hadn't noticed.

At least not yet.

Fluttering your eyes open, the first thing you were presented with was nothing but black, which made you fidget a bit until you felt one of your hands holding onto something-- _someone_. Looking over, another wave of blushes came crashing through as your hand was in his. Had you done this in your sleep, or had Kylo done this in a way to assure you in your sleep that he was still there?

What ever it was, you wouldn't know as you shifted into a sitting position, only to realize you were sitting on Kylos lap. The _third_ time heat raised to your cheeks. _Great_. "How are you feeling?" You heard the recognizable voice speak, causing you to look up and nearly shrink at the sight of Kylo gazing down at you.

Sucking in your breath, you nodded. "Better," With a shrug, you pointed to your other hand. "Your idea?" Arching an eyebrow, you saw a small smile tug at Kylos lips as he nervously let go, allowing you to stretch out your arms. Covering your mouth as you yawned, your eyes drifted back to Kylos as you saw his eyebrows knit. "What?"

"Nothing..." Looking away from you, you shook your head, only to find yourself gazing at the scar across his face. Hey, at least both of you now we're going to have _matching_ scars, except yours would heal better, and it was on your hand--now you couldn't say the same for the hip wound. Speaking of which, you now had _real_ bandages on and you were unsure as to when that happened. "I did that myself, I didn't want your wounds getting infected..."

Looking into his eyes, you hadn't realized his attention had turned back to you. "Th-anks..." Giving him a half smile, you felt the atmosphere shift, his eyes slowly creeping down to your lips as yours did the same to his, both of you gravitating towards one another as you felt your heart race _triple_ in speed; that is until the mood was snapped.

"I got Y/N-...Y/N, morning!" Alastair waved, "Or should I say afternoon? I got you a change of clothes, you too...uh, Kylo. The shower is working if you'd like." Nodding your head, you quickly stood up and winced a bit from the pain in your hip.

"Hey, Alastair." Smiling, you grabbed onto the clothing.

Kylo sat there with a bewildered expression, as if he had seen something he couldn't comprehend. You two were about to kiss _again_ , right? _Dammit, Alastair._ "Thanks," you smiled, then proceeded to ask where the shower was.

"Uh," Clearing his throat, Kylo stood up and watched you walk away. "Where can I change?" Handing Kylo the ensemble of black on black, Alastair pointed in the same direction you went in. "...Thanks." Narrowing his eyebrows, Kylo walked off.

"No problem..." Nodding his head, Alastair twirled around and walked away, nearly laughing at the fact the he _unintentionally_ sent you two to the _same_ room. "Oh, well I'm sure they'd be fine." Plopping onto the couch, he took a bite into an exotic fruit he pulled from the coffee table.

Locking yourself up in the restroom, you took no time to peel off the blood stained, distressed, dress. You felt disgusting in your lack of attire, let alone, being in it for so long. You swiftly entered the shower and thanked the stars for the heavy flow of water patting your skin, washing away the blood and dirt that stained you.

It felt so great to shower, especially after getting a well rest, all you needed was a good meal and you were set. Well, sort of. You still were stuck in the cave and still had a load of shit floating in the back of your mind, but hey, it isn't as bad as twenty four hours ago!

Washing the filth from your hair, you took your sweet time enjoying the refreshment, only to have the near-kiss moment play on repeat in your mind. Yeah, you kissed him yesterday and it felt great, but now...now it was like you were too scared to even _try_ again.

Looking down at the gauze wrapped around your palm and the bandage on your hip, you gently tore the two off as you began cleaning them, wincing at the burning sensation. Tossing the bandages into the waste bin next to the shower, you found yourself gazing at your palm, then over to your hip. Kylo had gone out of his way to patch up your wounds, to clean them up for you and to make sure they wouldn't get infected. It was a small act of kindness, yet, it made your heart warm.

Then it hit you, in order to place the bandage on the skin of your hip, he must've had to lift up your dress. Feeling your throat lock as your eyes grew wide, you couldn't help but blush. _Dammit, stop blushing!_  Shaking the thought away, you let out a puff, washing your body and freeing yourself from the filth, your mind racing the entire time as all you thought about was  ( ~~your future relationship with?~~ ) Kylo.

Boy, did you have a wild ride ahead of you.

Shutting the water and rubbing your face, exiting the shower and drying yourself up, your thoughts reverted back to the near-kiss from earlier and you couldn't help but sigh. It had seemed so easy to kiss him then, why did it feel like a hassle now?

You refused to look into the mirror, thankful you hadn't when you first walked in, rather changing into the clothing you were given and exiting the bathroom only to hiccup. "Uh...?"

Turning around midway pulling over the black tee, Kylo quickly tugged the rest down and grew stiff. "Sorry, Alastair sent me here-"

"Oh, no, it's fine..." Drying your hair with the towel, you tried not to make the situation awkward. First you hated him, then you sympathized with him, then you realized you loved him and now you feel so out of place. Was this normal? Or did you and Kylo just have that kind of weird...relationship?

"Your, your wound, it's bleeding." He stated, causing you to look down, only to see the blood seep through the soft material of the dress. "I should patch it up again." And with that, Kylo left you there. You didn't mind how considerate he was, you could patch up your own wounds, but he had done it once before and it held well, so why not twice? Plus, knowing him, he wouldn't take 'no' as an answer.

Looking at your palm, you scrunched up your nose at the sight of the gash, then lifted up the t-shirt type dress you had been given to see the stab wound bleeding. Dropping the fabric, you sighed as you tossed yourself on whomever bed that was. If it wasn't for Kylo's sudden revival, you were sure to have been dead by now. But, hey, the Force is great and kind and brought back  ~~ your man ~~ to life! Lucky you!

Hearing footsteps, you propped yourself on your elbows and looked at Kylo as he placed the first aid kit beside you, reaching out for your hand as you sat up and gave it to him. "Sorry..."

"For wh-AH!" Feeling the alcohol rub burn your palm, you bit your tongue as Kylo tried cleaning it up rather quickly, wrapping the gauze around swiftly as you released the breath you had been holding in. "A warning would have been nice..." Looking at your hand, you heard nothing but silence. "Uh, Ky-"

"Your hip, I have to clean the wound." He pointed, causing you to look down. Standing up, you instantly realized you'd have to lift up your dress, which meant showing your underwear, which also meant embarrassment...which also meant _more_ blushing. _Stupid blushing_. Was cleaning _this_ wound necessary? "I-uh...if you feel-" But you remembered: he did this once before, it wasn't like he was going to wake you up to ask you if he could lift up your dress. He wasn't going to let you bleed to death, even if that meant his anxiety was going to eat him alive. "If you feel un-"

"Just, just get it over with," You bit your lip nervously, standing up, lifting up the dress by the hem and trying not to look at Kylo. If you did look at him, you were sure to feel far more worse about the situation. Had he seen you like this before in your previous relationship? The memories were still a bit hazy but you were _positive_ you hadn't gotten _that_ far into the relationship...right?

Feeling his own breath hitch, he felt so out of place and... _disrespectful_. He had your consent to even be _there_ , but he still felt off. It wasn't like he saw woman's underwear everyday, let alone, a woman in them. He especially had never seen _you_ in your underwear, last night he made sure to cover you down enough with a blanket when he cleaned up the wound. He wasn't one to invade someones privacy _unnecessarily_. "I'll, I'll be quick..." And sure as hell he was...or at least _tried_ to be. He was just flat out _awkward_ with the situation at hand and you felt the uneasiness radiate off of him.

It was like he had been holding his breath the whole time that his face turned red. He struggled with placing his hand, afraid to place it on the back of your thigh as he clearly didn't want to place it on your behind. "Just, just place it on my thigh," You said, causing you to slightly jump as he did so, the feeling of his cold hand touching your bare thigh making you shiver. "Jeez, is this why you always wear gloves?" Removing his hand rapidly, you shook your head. "I was just joking..."

"Oh..." Slowly placing it back, you nearly jolted again from the skin to skin contact. It was clear to you that Kylo was nervous, he wasn't around woman much, let alone, around them to see their _underwear_...but still, you couldn't help but fight a laugh. His nervousness was flat out adorable to you. You were thankful that _at least_ he was still pure in this area of life. "I'm...I'm sorry I have to see you in such-"

"It's fine," You quickly reassured as you let out a breath, waving a hand as Kylo quickly placed the bandage, instantly removing his hand from your bare thigh as you dropped the dress. "As long as my wounds are cleaned, right?"

"Y-yeah... _right_." Nodding his head, Kylo pushed the first aid kit to a side as he sat on the bed, eyeing his (dried) bloodied hands.

"You know, it would have been smart if you showered before changing..." You stated, now standing in front of him.

"It is not my place to shower here. Especially knowing this is the home of the man who nearly _murdered_ you." Nodding your head in agreement, you grabbed a few alcohol wipes, taking it in you to _at least_ clean up his hands. Watching you kneel down as your hands held onto his own, Kylo felt his heart flutter. The simple contact of your hands touching his made his stomach turn--for good reasons. The place you two were in now felt foreign, but you had gone through this stage once before in your precious relationship...except this time, it was _far_ more weird.

"I can't say you're wrong there...but after being locked up for nearly six days and having someone elses blood, including yours, all over you...you kind of deserve a good shower." Wiping the blood away as your eyes stayed focus on them, Kylo kept his gaze on you. The way your h/c hair dripped down, he hadn't realized it until now how short it had gotten from days ago--a little above shoulder length--but that didn't stop him from _admiring_ your natural beauty. He couldn't help but stare, mentally slapping himself for nearly drooling. _Snap out of it._  

Looking up at him, nearly catching his focus locked onto you, Kylo awkwardly looked away as he spoke up. "Your hair..." Looking at your hair, you nearly forgot that you had to cut it off in order to become loose from Viktor's hold. 

"Oh, yeah...it's quite the story. I had to cut it with this knife in order to free myself--same knife that tore my palm open." Standing up and tossing the now red stained wipes, you walked back over and got lost in Kylo's gaze, only to find yourself staring at the scar again. You weren't a hundred percent sure as to how he got it, only remembering something about a lightsaber duel...it only made you more curious that you subconsciously found yourself trailing the scar with the tip of your finger, then feeling his hand hold onto yours as you reached the end. You had so many questions, a few that were too witty for the moment that involved the helmet, but the one question you asked _wasn't_ _even_ a question. "A scar can tell so much about a person..."

It was as if he was ashamed, gently pushing your hand down with his as his eyes left from yours, head hanging loose.

"Don't be ashamed...you survived, didn't you?" The scar was a sensitive topic, yet Kylo didn't feel the urge to scream at you for bringing it up. It wasn't like you knew what happened or how he felt, and he could sense your curiosity.

"Yes, but that doesn't change the fact that I am ashamed of myself...although it gives me more of a reason to hide my face and wear the helmet, doesn't it?" He scoffed, only making you shake your head slightly as your free hand held onto his chin, lifting his head up so he could look at you.

"No," Searching his eyes, you could see sheer disappointment mixed with...embarrassment? You had the sudden urge just to kiss the scar from tip to tip. "It doesn't." Shifting your eyes from his, you found yourself staring at his lips. _You can do this._

"Food is re-...sorry, did I interrupt?" Looking over at Alastair, you shook your head, quite thankful he had walked in because your heart was fluttering, yet quite annoyed because you _wanted_ to kiss Kylo again _badly_. "Food is ready." And with that, he walked off.

"You should go...you need to eat," Kylo insisted, causing you to nod as you instantly left a soft kiss on his cheek.

"Thank you." For what, exactly? _Everything_. From him saving you to worrying more about you than himself. He had a heart and it was obvious that it was beating for _you_.

Watching you leave, Kylo gently touched his cheek. Releasing a sigh, he hunched forward and stuffed his face into his palms, regretting the fact that he forced himself _not_ to pull you into the kiss.

How much harder was this going to get?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've come to realize that this fic may have between 25-30 parts? But that's me assuming, I still have a lot in store for this storyline. Thanks for reading!


	18. XVII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I didn't want to lose you f o r e v e r."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's some fluff for y'all; sorry it took so long!

It was safe to say--or at least admit to yourself--that all you had been thinking about was the near kiss(es). The thought of it made you feel bummed out, it was confusing all together that you craved the feeling of his lips against your own. _Was this how it felt before?_ You couldn't quite remember, after all, there were still _a lot_ of memories the were 'missing'. Huffing at the thought, you took your last bite of the stew before placing the spoon in the empty bowl. When were you going to remember your past with  ~~ Kylo ~~ Ben? It was itching at your skin, the desire to learn, _remember_ , more of what you two once had. But this meant confronting him, did Kylo really want you to remember? Or was he too afraid of you seeing the past and expecting it to be the same now? Sighing as you pushed the bowl away from you, leaning in the chair,  your thoughts were instantly ripped from you. "Do you want another bowl?" Alastair nearly snorted, seeing as you were now finishing your _third_ serving of the stew he had made; although you had no clue as to what was in it, your starvation made it seem exceedingly delicious.

"I'm good..." You waved a hand, standing up from your seat and insisting you could help clean up the mess of dishes, but he pleaded that you not, saying he was _afraid the wound on your hand would get worse_. "Whatever you say..." Turning on a heel, your thoughts had trailed back to those of Kylo, only to shift back to Alastair. "Why?"

"Why what?" He turned to you with a confused expression.

"Why did you want to save me? You were the one who kidnapped me and caused this-" You pointed to the small scar on your forehead. "So why the sudden change of heart?" You curiously asked, seeing Alastair lower his head as he had eyed the small scar.

"I guess that was it...a _change of heart_. I don't know, all my life...all I knew about was survival, taking whatever extremes it is to keep myself alive. I can't say it was easy, it was a tough ride to get here, but even so...it was terrible, now that I realize it, what I did to be in this position--living with Viktor and Kali. He made us do things, not kill--I'd never do that--but things I would never forget. I felt...emotionless, as if there was a void in me, I did what ever it took to survive. So when Viktor said to kidnap you in order to restore what he lost, along with getting payback for the life I've had, I took it. I saw it as an opportunity, to better my future...but when I realized his true intentions--to kill you and Kylo--I knew it was wrong, I felt it in my heart...I guess you could say I felt it in the Force-" He lightly chuckled. "But I knew it was something I would never succumb to--killing those who have done wrong. I would never become less of the First Order, even if that meant ending a war by killing their commander. I couldn't do it, I _wouldn't_ do it. It's wrong. It's downright inhumane, and it's evil. I'm not evil, if surviving is evil, then every living creature is evil." Nodding your head, Alastair released a sigh. 

"You did what was right."

"I did what was right, trying to save you--protecting you--although I failed you...I'm sorry, I never wanted Viktor to harm you even more, it hurt me more waking up to see you injured than to see Kali dead. Is that wrong?" He sincerely asked, only making you trail your eyes down the ground. He preferred your life--a woman he had just met--over another woman who had practically taken the roll of his sister. How were you supposed to respond to that? 

"It depends on where you stand...I guess you saw something more in me than you had ever seen in her..." Looking back up to him, he slightly nodded, looking elsewhere.

"It isn't your fault, none of this, you were dragged into it...and I guess I saw that. You were a bystander, you didn't ask for any of this, yet here you are...alive, breathing, talking...I guess I found that more admirable than a woman who did _anything_ to survive--whether it meant to become lesser than what she was before." Standing up straight from leaning against the counter, Alastair looked back at you. "You're strong, Y/N, you may not see it...but you are...you've beat death, you survived six days without food, water, or sleep and still had the will to defend yourself and the man you-...uh, and _him_." Feeling your cheeks heat up, you found the floor much more interesting than actually having the will to look him in the eye. "If you ask me, that makes you much more stronger than any Force user...you're strong on your own, and that what makes you... _you_. I may not know you well, but within the last few days with you...I've learned a lot."

Looking back up, you hadn't realized he was now in front of you, placing a hand on your shoulder. "I can say the same for you, you took such a good turn...sounds like a story I've heard before..." You lightly laughed. "You deserve nothing but a better life. That's why I want you to leave with me, to take you somewhere--not to the First Order--but elsewhere, _anywhere_."

"Wait," Removing his hand, he took a step back, "You're going back there? I saw how you were, you were miserable...the only time you were _truly_ happy was when you were out in the snow..." Narrowing your eyebrows, you slightly tilted your head. Had he been spying on you the _whole_ time? "I saw you, running down the hall a complete mess, being locked up in the generals room, trying to avoid Kylo-"

"H-how do you know that?" 

"I just, I do, I mean...I did watch you, but it was obvious as to why you were running and crying--I'm sure you were screaming-"

"How...-"

"The one that deserves better is you, you don't deserve to go back there, Y/N...you have a _family_ , don't choose _him_ over them." Narrowing your eyebrows even more, you felt speechless. "He destroyed your home, didn't he?"

"Y-ye...no, it was his men, he didn't want that-"

"But it happened...Y/N-"

"You, you don't know what I saw, Alastair...he's, he's changed-"

"Don't do this, don't say that him saving you means he _changed_...he saved you because he _had_ to, because of the _bond_." Looking at him dumbstruck, you had nothing to say. He was right, yet, you couldn't seem to _want_ to believe it. "Look, I have no right to tell you what to do, but I'm saying...do whats good for you, for your benefit--not _his_. I only want whats best for you, after all, look at the last week you had...do you really deserve a life like _that_?" Slowly shaking your head, you bit your bottom lip. "But you love him, right? I can tell, I can't take that from you, but I'm sure you know what is _right_. If you want to love him, then love him, but do what's best for you. If you want to stay with him, know the consequences...if you want to leave, know the consequences of that."

"It's as if I don't win either way..." You mumbled, pushing your hand through your hair. "I-I...haven't thought about it much, I've been so caught up, still shaken up about what just happened that my future is so hazy...I-I don't know what _I_ want, how am I supposed to with the position I've been in?"

"You will know, I'm sure of it, just listen to your heart--if it desires him, then so be it--if it desires freedom, a life without him, then do that. It is up to you, only you know what you really want. What is it that _you_ want."

"I-..." Shutting your mouth, you swallowed, "I want to know what I want...and the only way is-"

"Going to him." Nudging his head behind you, Alastair continued on, "He should be in the same room from before."

"Still?"

"He refused my offer of food claiming he wasn't hungry, although his stomach said otherwise...I think he's just afraid I poisoned his bowl, but I had walked by and heard the shower running..." Feeling a small smile tug on your lips, you nodded.

"He actually listened to me," Turning on your heel, you were about to walk off before looking over your shoulder. "Thanks...for everything," Looking at him, you gave him a half hearted smile, "You know, if you really wanted to do something about the war raging on, you'd be perfect for the Resistance...but that's just my opinion." And at that, you walked off, leaving Alastair contemplating. For all you know, he'd be great friends with Finn.

Feeling your heart pound faster and faster with every step you took, you gently pushed the door open of the room, only to see the light seep through the bottom slit of the bathroom door, feeling a lump form in your throat. Ready to knock on the door, your fist only fell to your side as the door swung open, a wave of heat hit you as the steam was released from its confinement. "Uh-" Cutting yourself off, you gulped at the sight of Kylo--hair drenched and dripping, water droplets trickling down his bare torso and arms as the towel hung loose around his waist--it was hard _not_ to stare. "I-" Clearing your throat, you scratched your head. "Can...I see you listened to me..." You nodded, only to see Kylo carry on the neutral expression he had worn.

"I felt disgusting with all the blood all over me, it was only smart for my hygiene to be boosted up." Furrowing your eyebrows at his statement, you only acted like what he said made total sense.

"Uh-huh...um, I came to-"

"Talk? Unless you came over to make sure that I did shower." Feeling your eyes slightly squint at his statement, you only shook your head as you had found yourself slowly backing up as he took steps closer. "It's not like I took your advice."

"Well, it seems as-as if you did..." You pointed out, eyeing his body, only to shoot your eyes back up. "But, yes, I came to talk..." Looking straight at his chest, you couldn't find it in yourself to look him in the eyes. "I...I need to know something... _things_..."

"And what is that?" He asked, his voice sounding dangerously low.

"Um...I-you...you know how-"

"If it's about your memories, you know I don't want to do that, for the sake of your well being..." Feeling your chest heave faster and faster as your heartbeat increased, you could feel your head wanting to explode with all the blood rushing to it.

"And, and that's awfully kind of you, but I have every...every right to know what happened between us then, you know? It's only f-fair-" Instantly colliding with the wall behind you, you shut your eyes, knowing you were stuck in a very bad position--caught in between a wall and a nearly naked Kylo Ren who seemed rather intimidating than usual (at least to you). Was this just your apprehension of the situation? Or were you just _that_ nervous because of what was in front of you.

"You know that it is painful, the process..." Feeling his finger trail down your jawline, you were unsure as to what was happening, but the feeling of your stomach flipping and you heart racing anticipated more. "I can't make it less painful...but-" Getting a hold of your chin as his thumb brushed against your bottom lip, your breath hitched. "I can distract you from the pain..." Watching him gravitate closer to you as you could feel the water that drenched his body seep through the material of your dress.

"H-how..." You asked, voice coming out as a whisper.

Watching his face inch closer to your own, his lips brushed against yours, only to feel the pressure of his coming to contact with your own. By now, your heart had gone haywire, beating all over the place, and the butterflies in your stomach had grown to the point where they were suffocating you. The gentle touch of his finger pressing against your temple as his other hand held onto the back of your neck sent a jolt of pain racing through your mind, but the kiss had caught your full attention that the searing pain in your head felt like a needle being punctured through your skin. 

It started with a flash of images--a horde of images--as if the timeline was a book and the pages were flipping by. You couldn't catch much, just faint memories of smiles and the soft embraces of one another, a few that consisted of sneaking out (or in). It made _you_ happy knowing you two were once happy, especially him. It was heart warming, it made you want to smile, it felt so different then...he wasn't the towering figure that had gloom following behind, rather, a towering figure who radiated happiness (at least towards you), it made you wonder...what happened to that?

Then the images stopped and one in specific came to focus, it playing in front of you as if you were there to relive it.

The sun was shinning bright, practically blinding you as you sat there, acting as if you had been reading, when in reality, your full attention was on Ben. He had come back for his weekend visits, walking side by side with his uncle and a few other padawans, a small discussion being played out before they all spread out, Ben becoming the center of attention as another Jedi in training came into focus, the two standing parallel as they pulled out their sabers. The sight of it always made you squeal, you loved watching the way the lightsabers lit up and groaned to life. It was _fascinating_.

But what fascinated you more was seeing Ben train and always coming out as number one. It was obvious he was the best there was, after all, he was trained by no other than Luke Skywalker. Although he liked pushing that fact to a side, it was safe to say he had natural talent and that he was quite skilled in what he did. He was a bit graceful, the way he swung the burning weapon to defend himself, he wasn't one to be sloppy in his work.  ~~ _What happened to him now?_ ~~

Seeing the two duel, you had the urge to cheer, but remembered you couldn't as no one knew you two even spoke to one another--let alone--were acquaintances. So you sat quietly, acted as if you were reading a recommended novel in your hand as you bit your bottom lip, watching from behind a page as you peeped a look. You had to be sneaky in some way. But your thoughts were the polar opposite and they were screaming with encouragement as you wanted Ben to 'win', which only made Master Luke turn his head in your direction. " _Shoot_..." quickly focusing on the reading, you acted as if you had be screeching about the small scene playing out in the book, which (with your luck) there had been a good one going on.

Slowly looking back up, Lukes attention turned from you and back to his padawans. Watching the training session--or at least Bens part in it--come to a close, you stood up from your spot and shut your book, holding it your chest as you were ready to walk off. You knew he had seen you, just by the way he hurried around to leave, possibly claiming he was going to see his parents (who were probably busy).

Marking your way across the greenery and over a few hills, you stood on one hill top in specific, tossing the book to a side as you spread your arms out, taking the fresh air in from the beautiful day, letting the sun rays kiss your skin before you _actually_ felt real lips pressing against your cheek. The grip around your waist that had swiftly turned you around and picked you off of your feet only made your heart race with exhilaration.

Wrapping your arms around his neck as you pressed a needy kiss against his lips, you smiled down at him. "Do you ever give the other Padawans a chance in winning?" You asked, knowing his answer already.

"No why would I when everyone knows I'm the best," He teased, only making you roll your eyes.

"Don't get _too_ cocky on me, Ben...we both know that being the best is the _least_ of your pleasures..." You arched an eyebrow as he nodded in agreement. Being the best wasn't really of Ben's interest, for all he cared was graduating and getting the 'schooling' over with. "Now, I can't say the same about you with me..." Kissing him once again, Ben only smiled against it.

"Shhh...uncle Luke is still nearby, I don't want him hearing us..." He mumbled against your lips, giving you another kiss before settling your down as he grabbed your hand. "But that doesn't mean that we can't have fun..." Narrowing you eyebrows, Ben collided with the grassy ground and tugged you down with him, colliding with his chest as a laugh erupted from you. "I haven't had _real_ fun in a while."

"So are you insisting we roll in the grass like little kids?" You asked, holding yourself up to look down at him.

"I'm not saying, I'm _implying_..." Wrapping his arms around your waist, he brought you down underneath him, Ben being the one to look down at you. "C'mon, it's enough we can't do normal couple stuff with all this sneaking around..."

"Fair enough..." You sighed, only to feel Ben leave a small kiss on the tip of your nose as he fell to your side, gazing at the sky. "But lets not roll in the grass, you know, school uniform isn't that easy to clean when there is dirt stains all over it..."

"Then what do you suggest, m'lady?"  Crossing his arms behind his head as you lied there, staring at the pale blue sky, you instantly sat up and straddled him. "How about tag? I mean, yeah, it's just as childish as rolling in the dirt...but it's fun and my inner child is kicking in and I really never got to play it with my brother always off with my dad...momma wasn't one to play those kinda games, said it wasn't lady-like..." Rolling your eyes, your hands pressed against his chest as you drew little shapes on the surface. "Whatever that meant, isn't like we're royalty..."

"To me, you are," Sitting up, Ben got a hold of your cheeks as you scrunched up your nose.

"Shut up," You chuckled, nudging his shoulder as he pressed his palms against your cheeks harder, "I'm no princess, far from it..."

"Whatever you say, _princess_..." Removing his hands off of you as you pushed him back with a shove of the shoulder, you stuck your tongue out.

"For that, you're it." Quickly standing up, you rushed off. Of course, to your disadvantage, you were much shorter, let alone, didn't have long legs like he did, so every step you took was nearly ten for him. "At least run slower! You know I can't exceed your speed!" You shouted, running off as you could see from your peripheral vision that he had been becoming closer.

"No can do, that's cheating!" Pouting, you quickened your pace, coming behind a tree. "Oh, so we're gonna play like that, huh?"

"Yeah, I'm not letting you catch me!" You shouted, swinging side to side from either end of the tree, in hopes he wouldn't be too fast enough to actually get you. "Apologize for calling me princess and I'll let you win!"

"Apologize? Come on, princess is a cute nickname!" Ben whined, making you gag.

"No way!" 

"Yes way! Would you prefer I call you my little e-"

"Don't!" You lifted up a finger.

"wok?!"

"I said don't, Ben Solo!" Continuously running around the tree, Ben only laughed. "I am not a midget sized bear!"

"Aw, is my little ewok irritated-"

"Shut up, Ben!"

"Let me tag you and then I'll stop calling you my little ewok," He lightly panted as you shook your head.

"No way, I'm not that much of a sucker!" 

"Fine then, guess you're gonna have to lose..." Furrowing your eyebrows, you were about to run the opposite way, but Ben had quicker feet and swiftly got a hold of you--well, _tackled_ you. Leaning down towards your ear, he mumbled "You're it" before running off.

"Jerk!" Pushing yourself off, you quickly darted towards him. You knew you stood no chance to catching him, let alone, getting a foot away, so you tried anything to get closer--taking sudden turns, rounding trees, even throwing your shoe at him (which had hit the back of his head and you felt sorry, only to nearly ram into him)--it was a mess and you were running out of breath as fast as you were running out of ideas.

"Are you giving up?!" He called out from afar as you stood there, hunched over and panting.

"No way!" Yes way, you were definitely giving up, but your ego was enlarged at the moment and you did not want to lose...so you succumbed to something else. "I-I think I did something to my ankle..." You lied, falling to the ground as you wiggled it around, faking a whine.

"Ah, come on, I don't believe that!"

"No, I'm serious!" You cried out, forcing your eyes to water up as you 'winced'. "It hurts...a lot!"

"No way...you're such a liar..." Ben jogged over, crouching down as he eyed your ankle. "You're fi-" Quickly shoving him back, making him lose his balance, you towered over him.

"Tag, _you're_ it!" About to run off, Ben got a hold of your ankle, pulling you back to him as he then held onto your wrist as he stood up.

"Nuh-uh, no way," Throwing you over his shoulder, you gasped. "You cheated and cheaters do _not_ get there way."

"Put me down!" Hitting his back, Ben only sighed. 

"Isn't your ankle hurting? We really should take you to the medical wing of the-"

"Haha, very funny! You wouldn't actually-"

"Try me, Y/N..."

"Put. Me. Down." You demanded.

"Admit you lied, then we're good." Patting your back with his free hand, you let out a low growl.

"Admit you lost!" Wiggling in his grip, he instantly dropped you--well, placed you--on the ground as he stood with his arms crossed as he leaned down.

"You cheated."

"You _lost_." Glaring up at him as you sat up, Ben only crouched down.

"And you _cheated_...so technically, I didn't lose." Rolling your eyes at him, you tackled him down, nearly pinning him.

"Just be a sore loser for once, Solo!"  Holding onto his wrists, he quickly wriggled them out of your grip as he now pinned you down. 

"You know I _can't_ do that..." he smirked, making you shift your jaw as you rolled your eyes. "Ben Solo does _not_ lose." Shaking your head, you sighed. 

"Fine...loser..." You mumbled, causing Ben to scoff as he literally dropped his entire weight onto you. "Hey! Get off of me! You weigh as much as a bantha!" Groaning, you tried shoving him off, but as you did, he took you with him, allowing a grunt to leave your lips as you collided into him.

"I could stay like this...all day..." He admitted as you felt his chest heave under your head. "I hate that we have to constantly be hidden, it isn't _fair_." Feeling your heart sink, you gripped onto the robe he had been wearing. "I mean, it's only fun to sneak around for some time...but the fact I can't just see you like normal couples do, it bothers me."

"I'm sorry..." Your voice came out as a whisper. "I wish my parents weren't that way..."

"Don't apologize, it isn't your fault, its a shame that they don't know what _love_ is." Feeling your eyes grow wide, never had you heard the word _love_ escape his lips for as long as you'd known him.

"Love?" Propping yourself up as you looked him in the eye, "You l-love me?" You stuttered, feeling your heart in your throat. Love wasn't an easy word to throw around and you were a _hundred_ percent sure Ben wasn't one to say it that easily...he never even said it often to his own parents, so did he _really_ love you?

Shifting his eyes from the sky, down to yours, he nodded. "I didn't want it to come out like that...but, I-...eventually it would have and I wasn't sure as to how I'd ever admit it, but-" Feeling a grin blossom on your lips, you quickly got a hold of his face and kissed him.

Although he didn't say the three words, you knew he _did_ love you, and it made you melt. Never had you heard the word _that_ sincere come from someone--aside your family. Love was a strong word and if Ben said it, he _meant_ it. 

Then it hit you, you didn't know as to why it took you _this_ long to realize when it was _so_ _damn_ _obvious_ \--maybe it was the way of the Force--but you put two and two together and finally realized that the voice in your head was in fact _his_...the question was, did _he_ hear _your_  voice? "I never said it, but, I think we're soul-"

"I love you, too." 

Feeling yourself drift away from the memory as everything blacked out while the pain ceased, your eyes slowly opened as you felt Kylo's lips leave your own. 

"You knew then..." Was all you could say as you watched him slowly lean away from you, his touch leaving your skin. "And you felt it... _too_..." Seeing his once intimidating expression turn into that of woe, Kylo walked over to the bed of the room and sat on its edge. "All along you've been... _suffering_...knowing-and I...I had forgotten-"

"I _made_ you forget," He corrected, propping his elbows on his knees as he was hunched over. 

"Why...I mean, I know why, but why did you do it when you knew you'd only suffer?"

"Because, I needed something in me to remind me that there is still something good-- _light_ \--in me. Because I needed something to keep me grounded, to know that my decisions are my own and that they are the reason why I did what I had to-"

"You did this, to punish yourself in a way? When you knew from the beginning...it was wrong?"

"I did it because I was destined for this path, I did it because I didn't want to lose you _forever_. I knew that no matter what, this bond would _never_ sever...even if I had become the _monster_ I am today." Tugging at the wet strands of his night sky colored hair, Kylo sighed. "Because I knew I would _never_ stop _loving_ you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably one of my fave parts of the fic so far...mainly because we see a cute Ben and a pretty 'intimidating' Kylo


	19. XVIII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Because I needed to r e m e m b e r what we had..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Mentions of slight smut, but nothing too much to handle, its actually very miniscule...  
> ENJOY!

There was one thing that Ben solo-- _Kylo_ _Ren_ \--never did, and that was lie, and when he did lie...you could tell. But now, the moment those words left his mouth and the sudden change in tone when he said 'loving', it was clear he _wasn't_ lying. And that made you gulp. Kylo admitted he knew he would never stop loving you, but did he? Did he ever have a moment that he _didn't_ love you? Was there a moment the dark side had blinded him to a point where he had forgotten what love even was? It was hard to tell when this situation was still quite fresh. After all, you two hadn't had a proper conversation until now. 

"Did you?" Your voice cracked as you felt your hands slightly tremble. "Did you ever stop loving me?" Taking a single step closer, a very minuscule one, your feet fell frozen as you waited for a response--watching his nervous antic cease as his palms slowly found their way lying flat against his forehead.

Hearing a low exhale, a single word left Kylo's parted lips. "No..." _No_. An instant burst of grief filled through your heart. _No_. He hadn't stopped loving you for over a decade...over _ten_ _years_. It felt as if it were unbelievable, that he hadn't let go of the feelings, yet it was believable because when you two were together, he--without a doubt--loved you with every inch of his  ~~ dying ~~ heart. Knowing that he possibly still felt that way towards you only made you melt, your heart stopping at the sudden realization--he suffered this _entire_ _time_ knowing you had felt _nothing_ for him.

How did he do it? Did he use that pain as something to strengthen the hate in him? To make him an irritable person? Maybe that's why he seemed so unrecognizable before--even though you remembered meeting him a few times before. Did he use suffering as an excuse to help him fully turn to the dark side? You hoped-- _prayed_ \--that he didn't, because that would only make things far more worse than they were now.

"Y-you suffered..." Swallowing-- _metaphorically_ \--your heart that was now lodged up in your throat, you took yet another small step towards him. "You...you suffered? All along? You knew I didn't love you back, how could I? Yet, you...you still loved me for over ten years?" Blinking, you felt tears prick your eyes, your heart ached from how terrible you felt. "Why would you do that to yourself?" With a slight tilt in your head and the furrow of your eyebrows, Kylo could feel your worry radiate off of you and emit onto him. 

"Because I needed to remember what we had, Y/N," Standing up from his spot as he finally found the courage to look back at you, he took in a deep breath. "I needed to remember that even in the days that awaited the darkness, I had someone who _loved_ me--not in a way a mother or father...or even an _uncle_ figure would--but as an actual _lover_ would. I couldn't forget the way you made me feel, the memories we shared, the way that being with you made me forget the darkness that was slowly creeping up on me. I needed to keep it all, because even though this is the path I chose, I needed to remember what-- _who_ \--was my weakness."

Watching his chest rise and fall rather quickly, you felt your breathing deepen as tears began pooling up in his own eyes. You were speechless, what you had learned lurked in the back of your mind, still processing. _Weakness_ , you were his weakness and he had to remember that. Why? Was it because he knew he'd have to rid his weaknesses...after all, he did _kill_ his father. But why? Why would he kill his own father when _you_ were his weakness? It made you feel unbalanced, it made you confused, yet...it all made sense.

"I couldn't forget you, I wouldn't allow myself to do that. What if I did? What if I went after your home planet and _killed_ you," Wincing at the thought, Kylo's voice grew softer, "...only to realize we were soulmates the moment I did. I couldn't live with that, because I would remember everything we had." Turning around, Kylo found himself rubbing his eyes, not wanting you to see him shed a tear. "You don't understand, Y/N, you are my _everything_ -" Hearing a small crack in his voice, your heart sunk. "I know I've fucked up everything in my life in order to get where I am, I am conflicted--there's no lie there. _I_ am the reason why I lost everyone, I did this to _myself_." Hearing him force back a sob, you took more steps closer, about to reach out to him until he continued on. "I _am_ a monster, I know I am, I am reminded every day with the flashes of me killing my own father, of killing numbers of souls...yet here I am, saving the woman of my dreams, because I've lost too much already." 

Feeling your mouth slowly fall open, your hand slowly fell to your side as you watched his hunched figure vibrate. He never seemed so vulnerable, he looked broken, as if all the weight of the galaxy fell on his own shoulders and he had to hold it all up. He knew he put himself in each and every situation that had horrible outcomes, and he knew this was the way of the dark side...yet, it was eating him alive. If he was destined for this path, why does he feel pain and only pain? Maybe that's why he has his outbursts, because the light in him is trying to remind him where he _truly_ belongs--no matter what fate says--the Force is stronger, and the Force is pulling him back to the light. But will he allow it? He's nearly severed any--and almost every--aspect that could. But here he was, spilling his guts to you, the second to last person who could bring him back...because he-

"I love you," Turning around to face you as his eyes locked onto your own, you felt your breath hitch. "I love you, Y/N. And I will _never_ stop loving you." Hearing those three words, your heart shot through your chest, your eyes never leaving his as his to your own. He loved you, he admitted the he loved you, and all you could do was tightly wrap your arms around him. You didn't want to let go, you _never_ wanted to let go, he loved you and you loved him. 

Laying your head against his chest as you tightened your grip around him, you let out a small breath as you felt a few tears spill. You didn't want him to suffer any longer, you didn't want him to be conflicted, it was going to be a slow process...but you knew--you knew you were going to somehow bring him back. Shutting his eyes as he held onto you while he let out small breaths, trying to steady his erratic breathing. "I-." Releasing a shaky breath, you felt his clutch onto you grow tense. Closing your eyes, you listened to the scattered beat of his heart, only to reopen your pair and gently push yourself off of him just enough for you to look up. "I love you...too," Tiptoeing, your hands held onto his face as you pressed your lips against his own.

_There goes that feeling again_. Your heart was fluttering and the taste of your tears and his got in the mess, if you were aware of it, you probably would've gagged...but at the moment, you didn't care, because he loved you and you loved him and thats all you two ever (ever?) wanted. What started off as an innocent kiss only grew more needy, the moment you felt yourself being lifted up as your legs wrapped around his (still sporadically wet) waist. 

Walking the two of you over to the bed, Kylo sat on the edge as you practically sat on him, separating from the kiss for a breather as the two of you leaned your foreheads against one another. "I'm sorry..." Kylo mumbled as his grip on your hips constricted. "I'm sorry for the hell I've put you through, you did not deserve-"

"Kylo..." Leaning back, you gently placed your hands on his jawline as your thumbs lied on his cheeks. "Don't apologize, things happen for a reason--for better or for worse. Yes, a lot of _bad_ things have occurred, but look at us...we've grown from this, I've grown from this, and I'm here...I'm real and I'm _loving_ you." Pressing a sweet kiss, you pulled back and nearly dug your head into the crook of his neck as you wrapped your arms over his shoulders.

It was real, you had confirmed it was real, but it didn't _feel_ real. For all Kylo knew, this was just a very vivid nightmare-turned-good-dream. But the way he was holding onto you and the way one of his hands now gently caressed your now short hair and could feel the soft texture slip through his fingers, it was enough to make it real. His heart hadn't felt this way in so long, it felt so...strange. He was so used to loving you from afar-- _very_ far--and knowing you'd never love him back the same again, but he had now found himself sitting with you as you held onto him like an ewok. 

Breathing in the air as he shut his eyes to reminisce over what had happened only moments ago, a small puff of air left his mouth as he clutched onto your hair just enough not to hurt you. He loved you, and this time, he wasn't going to let you go...no matter what was at stake in the near future. "I loved you, I'm loving you," You reminded, leaving a small kiss on the skin where his shoulder and neck met. "And I _love_ you..." Now looking back up at him, you gave him a smile, only for your attention to shift over to the scar, your finger subconsciously trailing the damaged skin. 

Remembering your previous desire, you only leaned in and left a trail of kisses along the healed injury, causing Kylo to close his eyes from the sudden change in heart beat as he felt his stomach flip from the simple--yet, sincere--gesture. The tugging from the corner of his lips only made a small smile appear as his hands slid across your back before he snaked his arms around you once again. 

"You're insecure about it..." Leaving the last kiss, you leaned back, "You shouldn't be."

Furrowing his eyebrows the slightest, Kylo's eyes drifted away from your own. "Why not? I failed...It's a reminder everyday that a scavenger was able to defeat me." Arching an eyebrow, you only shook your head. "It gives me an even bigger excuse to wear the helmet."

"That's a load of trash!" You exclaimed, yet not too loud. "You survived, didn't you? You're here, alive, if anything...its a reminder that you lived--no matter who it is that defeated you. And, no, it gives you no excuse to wear the helmet. I know you like to conceal yourself from everyone, for what ever reason it may be, but to me...you don't need it." Letting out a sigh, you shrugged. "I think you look beautiful either way."

Shaking his head, you turned his attention back over to you with a light tug of his chin. "I appreciate it..." Trying to avert his attention as he could feel the heat rise to his cheeks, he continued on but with a mumble. "But it makes me feel like even more of a beast." 

Frowning, you unwrapped your legs around his waist and straddled him. "If you're a beast, then you're a my beast...look, not all monsters have to be hiddeous--no matter what scars are on them--its whats inside that matters," You poked his chest. "And, lucky for you, you're still as handsome as ever." Watching his lips curl up, you only grinned yourself. "Honestly, I think it just makes you look hot." Going wide eyed as his head snapped up at you, you only chuckled and pulled him into a hug. 

But as you pushed away from the hug, and as Kylo found himself calming a bit from your sudden statement, the atmosphere around the two of you shifted to a rather intimate one. Kylo's eyes were now trailing from your own, over to your lips as his hands held onto the back of your neck as his thumbs lied on either end of your jaw. Being pulled closer as you could see his focus being glued onto your mouth, you only leaned in to close the gap between the two of you as your hands found their way, tangled, in his hair as you gently tugged on the dark waves with every forceful movement of his lips against your own.

The sudden courage inside the two of you ascended as you found the kiss becoming more heated as he bit on your lower lip, sending a moan rolling out of your throat, only for his tongue to meet yours. It was satisfying and you wanted more. More of what exactly? You couldn't really tell, but your body knew, and your body wanted his. 

Feeling his hands trail down your body, they lied against your lower back as he pulled you even closer, as if the closeness between the two of you wasn't enough. Accidentally grinding your hips with the sudden pull, a rather rough groan left Kylo as his hands trailed down a little too low and squeezed, which only made you gasp. As far as you recall, you two hadn't had anything more intimate than a make out session, but what was about to happen was probably going to set a record. 

With the mixture of moaning and heavy panting, you were sure to be a little embarrassed if Alastair had decided to walk by, but your heavy kissing thought otherwise.

You wanted more, you wanted to know how much of him you could take and how much you could handle. If it wasn't for the fact that you hadn't done this at all, you probably wouldn't be as wanting as you were now; you were honestly thankful Kylo couldn't read your thoughts, because if he did, they wouldn't be pleasant and you were sure he would be redder than any star in this galaxy. "Kylo..." You groaned, feeling his hands glide up your thighs as he gave them small squeeze. You knew he was just as inexperience too, yet, he was just as needy and couldn't seem to stop touching you. Calm you would've probably guessed that he wouldn't be as touchy, rather nervous, but now...now he was grabby and needy and... _exceedingly_ turned on.

Trailing his finger under your dress and along your rib cage, his hands found their way all over your torso, well...nearly all over, as if he were contemplating whether or not to touch a certain area. Moving your hands onto his wrists, you shifted them over the padded material of your bra, giving him the extra push he need to give your breasts--a rather tight--squeeze. If it wasn't for the fact that you were so involved in the kissing and the pleasurable feeling, you would've realized how much Kylo was _blushing_ from the entire intimate moment. 

Gliding your hands down his--slightly--wet chest, you tugged at the tucked in part of the towel, teasingly. "Are you sure you want to do this?" He mumbled against your lips as his hands lied back on your thighs, lightly holding onto them.

Nodding softly, you pushed your hands against his chest as you separated from the kiss, looking down at him with small pants, "Are you sure _you_ want to do this?" Watching him nod rather rapidly, your hands clasped onto the hem of your dress, pulling it over your head and tossing it to a side, only to have Kylo's breath hitch. He had never seen you--let alone, _any_ _other_ woman--in just their undergarments...and it was safe to say that the sight made him blush even more.

Although his body was craving your own, he was fairly nervous about the whole event. After all, he was unexperienced with almost everything; even when it came to kissing when you two first started dating, he was quite terrible. But now this was a whole new subject and it was another level, higher than that of kissing. Of course he was going to a bit anxious...thats why you had asked if he was sure. Because, in the end, you both would be losing something rather important to one another.

But he loved you and only imagined having all his firsts with you, so he pushed all his fear to a side and bit back the urge to cry out your name as you began leaving a trail of kisses down his neck and torso, stopping suddenly as you went back up to his neck and began leaving love marks. You knew he wasn't capable to do such things to you at the moment as he seemed to be the submissive one, but the next morning would say like ways when you'd find bruises all along your collar bone.

From there on it was literally breath taking in either of your eyes. Sure, it was a bit slow as the two of you were first timers and only lasted so long because you both were amateurs, it didn't stop the fact that it was still pleasant and quite magnificent. 

Lying your head on his bare chest as you drew little shapes on the soft skin, Kylo's fingers trailed down your bare back, along your spine as you two sat in a comfortable silence, only wearing grins. Your left leg intertwined with that of his right as his other arm was crossed behind his head, sheets only covering your bottom halves. It was something about the ambience around you after your first time that made things feel different. _Of course it's different, we just had sex._ As much as you felt happy, you wondered how Kylo was feeling...after all, the whole time, he seemed to rather enjoy it and nearly forget about the anxiety tearing at him.

"You guys, I've got some bad-whoa, holy shit-" Gawking at the two of you, Alastair stood there with his jaw hanging loose as you two were now sitting up, Kylo pulling you behind him defensively--and to cover you--as you clutched onto the thin sheets, wide eyed.

"Do you mind?!" Kylo nearly shouted, harshly snapping as he could sense your embarrassment. "There is a thing called _knocking_."

"And there's a thing called-...shit, this has been an eventful two days-" Hearing a low growl come from Kylo, Alastair shook his head and remembered the real reason why he barged in. "Sorry, sorry...I came here because the space craft you came in--it was kind of consumed by the planet..." Awkwardly rubbing the back of his head, Kylo dropped his as he sighed, you only placing a hand on his back. "Guess that means your stuck here a bit longer..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I took a while to post, I need to space this out a bit so it doesn't finish too quickly...though I'm planning for this to have about 25-30 parts...but we'll see how that goes :) thanks for reading!


	20. XIX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do you l o v e me, Kylo?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know y'all missed the angst, right? Get ready for more!

It was as if what had happened between the two of you moments ago didn't happen at all. Kylo was being oddly quiet and you were growing more and more anxious. Why the sudden change of mood? He was quite happy when the two of you were lying on the bed, that is until Alastair came in...could that be it? It wasn't a big deal, after all, sure he had nearly seen the two of you naked, but he _didn't_. It was itching at your skin, it was bothering you that there was a string of quietness attached to the two of you the entire walk to wherever he had landed the TIE fighter. "Kylo..." You called out, trying to match his rather quick pace. "Kylo." It was as if he was ignoring you. It was only the two of you out here as Kylo had literally kicked out Alastair from the room the moment he told the two of you you were both stuck here.

_"Guess that means your stuck here a bit longer," Nervously rubbing the back of his neck, Alastairs eyes only grew wide as Kylo stood up from the bed and shoved him out of the room--naked. You were sure Alastair was traumatized at the sight, let alone, amazed that Kylo was ballsy enough to even get up naked to do such thing when he could've just used the Force...right?_

_Nearly slamming the door shut, Kylo haphazardly threw on his clothing, roughly tugging his pants and his shirt over his head as you sat there, quiet. "Kylo?"_

_"I'm going to check to see if what he says is true." Slowly nodding your head, you swung your legs over the edge of the bed as you slipped on your underwear, clasping your bra back on and walking over to your dress that was thrown on the opposite end of the bed. Feeling the heat in his face slowly flush away, his jaw only clenched at the sight of you in your underwear._

_"I can come, too..." You suggested, slipping the dress over your head as you looked up at him, only to see him quickly avert his eyes away from you. "Kylo?" Slightly tilting your head as he had turned from you, you could see the outline of his jaw grow more prominent as his cheeks had redden, it wasn't like he didn't just see you naked._

_"I will be fine on my own," He said with clenched fists, instantly leaving your side as you stood there, shaking your head. Why was he so damn complicated?_

"Kylo, come on, speak to me..." You whined, nearly colliding with his back as he came to a sudden stop. "What is it?" Looking over, you could see a patch of deserted land.

"This is where I landed. He was right. It's gone." Turning on his heel with a huff, he walked away as you watched him. Was he not going to use the Force to at least try and bring the spacecraft back up? Or was he just that stubborn?

Grunting, you stomped to his side before tugging him around by the hand. "Hey, I don't deserve the cold shoulder, you know? I didn't do anything." Crossing your arms, Kylo only looked down at you with a bland expression. "Seriously?! So it's going to be like that?! Gosh, I am not dealing with this _now_." Rolling your eyes, you were about to storm off, only to have Kylo tug you back. "What-" Getting a hold of your face as his hand squeezed your cheeks, his lips crashed onto yours.

"I'm sorry," He muttered, gently pushing away. "I was...embarrassed."

Smiling up at him, Kylo let out a small laugh. "What?" Shaking his head, he gently let go of your face. "You know, you wouldn't be _as_ embarrassed if you hadn't been butt-naked while kicking Alastair out." You pointed out, making Kylo sigh. "But it was a nice view," Shrugging, Kylos eyes slightly grew. "Oh, stop, you have a cute b-"

"Please..." Lifting a hand up, you simply shrugged again. It was going to take some time before you'd break him out of his shell.

"What do we do now without a ship?" You asked as you slipped your hand into Kylo's, walking alongside him as you returned to the cave like home.

"We wait."

. . .

And so he literally meant _we wait_. You had spent another day in that dreadful cave, lucky for you, you took that as some you and Kylo time, trying your best to get a few things out of him. A few things were a bit sensitive, and you knew that, so you stuck to basic topics and nothing more. "Alright, tell me why General Hux seems to dislike you so much?" You asked, sitting in between his legs as he messed with your hair, complaining here and there that he couldn't do much with the now short length of it.

"He's just jealous that the Supreme Leader seems to like me more. He's just a stuck up man, you can clearly see it in his face, it's annoying. I can't stand it." Nodding your head, Kylo let out a huff at the thought of Hux. "Wait, how do you know this?"

Feeling your head heat up, you went wide eyed as you realized you _hadn't_ told him everything about those three-to-four days you were gone. "Uh...well?" Biting your lower lip, Kylo leaned to a side to look at you. "Okay, you know when I ran away from you?" Seeing him sigh with a nod, you continued on, "Well...I sort of, ran into him and...and he offered I stay with him-"

"HE WHAT?!" Nearly blowing out your eardrum, you were sure you were about to fall to the ground if it wasn't for you quickly turning around to face him.

"Look, we didn't do anything more then just see each other, okay? I slept on his couch and that was i-"

"Why would he offer you that, Y/N?" Kylo seethed, causing you to gulp as you knew the answer was not going to make the situation better. "Y/N? I _know_ you know, I can _tell_."

"He thought it was for yours and my best interest, and the First Orders, that he keep me... _hidden_...from you," Fiddling with the ends of your hair, you could feel Kylos cold gaze on you as his jaw clenched tightly. "And I took at is a gesture of kindness because he knew I-uh...I didn't want to be near you..." Nervously biting your lip, Kylo's fists clenched only to feel a pang in his chest--he almost forgot how much you _loathed_ him.

"I hope you know he _wasn't_ being kind, Y/N," He spoke harshly as he stood up and left your side on the bed. "General Hux does _anything_ to make me look bad--in this case-- _suffer_." Feeling your heart snap, you looked over at him as your eyebrows slowly furrowed. "I hope you know I was worried the entire time."

Mouth falling open, you quickly stood up from the bed and clenched your own fists. "Is that why you left? You were so concerned about me that you had to go somewhere else?" You nearly shouted, as if you cared, right? Didn't you feel relief the moment Hux told you Kylo was out of the base?

"Like it mattered?!" Kylo shot a look at you as he turned from the door. "For all I know you were happy I was gone-"

"I didn't even know you were gone until the day I was kidnapped, Kylo!"

"Well I'm sure it lifted the weights from your shoulders the moment you realized you didn't have to hide from me anymore!" Gulping at the sight of his watering eyes, you only bit down the urge to yell at him for making the situation worse than it actually was. "I had to leave because if I stayed any longer, I would have gone insane if I didn't get my mind off of you! Unlike you, I cared about you and your well being!"

"Sorry I didn't know after being rudely awakened to the fact my soulmate was the commander of the First Order and a damn murderer!" Instantly covering your mouth with a gasp, you quickly apologized. "No, wait, I'm so-"

Lifting his hand up, Kylo turned away from you as he felt a tear slip. "That is enough , we are done here."

"Kylo, wait, please, I-I didn't-" Opening the door and shutting it with the Force before you could run to him, you banged on the door as you realized you couldn't open it. "Kylo, Kylo! Please, I'm sorry! I-I didn't mean to call you that!" You cried out. "I-I did it because I was upset..." Sliding against the door, you let out a breath. You shouldn't have asked about Hux, you should have kept knowing Hux a secret, but he would've found out eventually and it would have been much more uglier. Right?

Pushing your hand through your hair, you stood up and threw your self on the bed, shoving your face into the pillow that smelled a lot like Kylo. Sighing, you turned your head and stared at the door. You hoped he would've calmed down and came back so you could apologize, but it seemed as if that wasn't going to happen--so you felt yourself drift off and napped.

"Y/N, Y/N!" Having your heart race as your eyes shot open, you felt delirious as you rubbed your head, being awoken rather rudely. "A First Order ship has landed!" Alastair nearly shouted in your face.

"H-huh?" Sitting up, you looked at him.

"Apparently Kylo Ren had back up and now they're here...or someone's here, I don't know, I saw Kylo back in his ensemble talking to someone in a silver suit-" _Phasma_. "Do you think that droid came with a crew or alone?"

"That _droid_...is a _person_ ," Rubbing the sleepiness away from your eyes, you blinked, "She's a Captain of the Stormtroopers."

"She? Captain? Whoa..." Nodding your head, you stood up. "Does this mean Kylo is taking us with him? After all, he saved you and you two had-"

"Who knows," You interrupted, remembering what had happened between the two of you earlier. "I doubt it." Shrugging you walked away from Alastairs side as you brushed your hand through your hair.

"Then how are we going to leave this planet?" He asked, following you.

"I'm sure Viktor left something behind, we just have to find it. A man with his wealth--or once wealthy--I'm sure he had money saved up to buy a ship of some sort..." Turning the corner to enter the hallway, you instantly came to a stop as Kylo was standing there.

"Come with me," He spoke, gesturing for the both of you to follow. Looking over at you, you simply ignored Alastairs gaze as you kept yours locked on Kylo. Was he still mad at you? "You will change into First Order uniform and take your role as Hux's counselor." Feeling your breath get caught in your throat, you wondered as to _how_ he knew about that. "Phasma brought you something to wear as she kindly informed me about your fake job." Lowering your head the slightest, you mentally cursed Phasma. _Wow, I thought she was at least nice enough not to mention that._ "As for you, Alastair, we will be dropping you off on the nearest planet. Have hopes that someone knows about the Resistance's whereabouts." Looking over at Alastair, he simply nodded.

Following Kylo as the three of you exited the cave and walked over to the rather large spacecraft that had Phasma standing near the ramp, you swallowed the lump that had formed in your throat as she held onto a uniform on her forearm. "Y/N, this is for you, you may change in one of the utility closests," She stated, handing you the outfit as you could feel Kylos gaze on you. Nodding your head, you quietly walked up the ramp as a stormtrooper showed you the way. There had been two troopers in sight, you had assumed Phasma had her _full_ trust in them in order for her to bring them _here_.

On Kylo's end, he felt as if the past few days _hadn't_ happened with how dull he had become once again. It was like being free from his helmet was a metaphor of him being free from the life he had, but when it came to just being with you, it was as if none of that existed. He hated how sensitive he felt over the situation, he wouldn't admit it, but he knew he went overboard and he knew for a fact that how you felt for him then was totally different from how you felt now. Yet, he was _still_ doubtful.

Why was he so doubtful? You admitted you loved him, wasn't that enough?

It seems as if not, and his heart just couldn't accept the fact that what he had fought so hard to get again was real and in front of him--well, a good distance away. Was it natural in him to push you away each time he got too close?

"You shouldn't be too hard on her, Commander." Phasma insisted as she took his side. "I know this is fairly new to you, or at least, something you had forgotten...but you should take in consideration that you have finally gotten what you wanted, correct?" Slightly looking over to the Captain, he only looked away as he watched you exit the closet, now in the necessary wear as you seemed rather uncomfortable in it, taking your spot next to Alastair. 

"Are you supporting my decisions, Captain. As far as I am concerned, you should be opposing them as the General is." Kylo spoke with such a harsh tone, well, if he weren't speaking through the helmet.

"That makes the General and I different. I actually care about my comrades, as long as this isn't harming you in any way, shape or form, I support it. Is there something wrong helping out my fellow colleagues?" Phasma asked, turning her head to Kylo as silence rolled in. "Well, it is your decision to make, I don't know what happened in there between the two of you, but I'm well aware something did. She doesn't seem to hate you anymore..." _No, she loves me_. "If you ever feel the need to share what had happened, I am always open to listening. You know this, Commander." And at that, Phasma walked away to the cockpit, leaving Kylo there in silence, head slightly turned just enough to look over at you talking to Alasatir.

"A new beginning for you, must be exciting? Planning on changing your identity?" You curiously asked as Alastair couldn't seem to not look at the patch on your sleeve. "Alastair?"

"Why are you doing this?" He whispered. "I know you and Kylo have something, but do you understand how highly prohibited it must be for him to be romantically involved with someone in the First Order? Let alone, in his position?" Slowly looking away, you nodded.

"I know..." You sighed, deeply. "I'm afraid what we had was momentarily...I am sure the moment we land on the base, he'll go back to his old self." Slightly frowning, Kylo only looked away as his head bowed. You weren't aware of it, but Kylo was quite closer than you thought and he could still hear your whispering. It hurt hearing your words, but he knew they were true, he had responsibilities to deal with...how were you going to fit into the picture?

"Come with me, Y/N, you deserve far more than the First Order," Snapping his head in yours and Alastairs direction, he had the urge to shout 'no'. "And you know that, anything is better than _them_." You knew he was right, but you loved Kylo, how could you leave him like that? Even though he was giving you the cold shoulder. "I know theres something going on between the two of you. What you have, it isn't healthy, and I'm sure you know that."

"I-..." Cutting yourself off, you looked at your hands. "I know it's complicated, but...but I'm sure we'll make it work."

"Don't be blinded by love, please." Alastair grabbed your hand, only making Kylo flinch at the sight. "Please, Y/N."

"I..." Looking down at his hand, you quickly stood up and let out a breath. "I need a moment to myself, excuse me." Walking away as Alastair let out a sigh, you caught a quick glance from Kylo as you walked over to the opposite end of the ship. 

What you were doing, who you were involved with, you knew it was a mess...but it was a mess you could handle because you _loved_ him. You admitted to yourself that you loved him, and you couldn't take it back, you _wouldn't_ take it back. Kylo saved your life, Kylo had been loving you for over ten years now and suffered, how could you not love him? 

But then a part of you snapped. Were you loving him out of pity? _No, that's not it_. Your guilty conscious was building up on you, you knew that the moment he went back to Commander, he would be back to his old self. Could you love _that_ him? Maybe that's why you realized you loved him, because he was a _different_ Kylo away from the First Order. Slumping against a wall, you rubbed your face. Was this all really worth being locked up in Hux's room for stars knows how long? Was this worth a life being quarantined and possibly not seeing Kylo often, that's if he _even_ wanted to see you.

All you wanted right now was to sleep and hope this was nightmare, maybe wake up in his arms and know none of this was real. But sadly, reality caved in and you felt the walls crumbling in, what were you supposed to do? So much happened in a week, more than your entire life, how were you supposed to handle this so easily? Let alone, on your own?

Standing up from against the wall, you walked up to Kylo, about to clear your throat before he turned to you. "May I speak with you...in private?" You asked, Kylo only walking away, guiding you to a small room that must've been that of an interrogation room of some sort. "I'm sorry for hiding with Hux, but I had hoped you'd understand as to why I did it..." You fiddled with your thumbs as you couldn't find the courage to look up at his helmet. "What we have is... _unique_. You've been fighting to have what we had _then_ again, but I'm afraid we can't with the path you've taken..." Feeling his jaw part from behind his helmet, he only clenched it shut as he allowed you to continue on. "I-...I'm afraid that when we arrive, I'll...we, what we have now, it won't last. You-you are a Commander, of the First Order...you are a knight. You have far more important things to do-"

"What are you trying to say...Y/N?" He finally spoke, making your body shiver.

"Do you love me, Kylo?" Finally looking up, you could see his chest heave as he took in a deep breath. 

The silence was haunting you and it hurt, you had hoped that he would respond, but nothing was leaving his mouth.

"I see..." Turning around, you reached for the door handle, only to hear him speak up.

"Yes."

Turning around, you looked up at him. "Then why are you being so...distant? I didn't do anything wrong, I mean, in a way...yes, but I would _never_ do it now." 

"Because, I was upset. I didn't want to do anything drastic, knowing the way I am, that is why I left the way I did-"

"But you never came back, Kylo, and...and you still stayed silent!" Taking a step closer, Kylo kept his eyes glued onto you.

"I'm afraid."

Narrowing your eyebrows, you slightly tilted your head. "Afraid of what?"

"Afraid of hurting you...I've hurt you enough, Y/N, and I rather not do it again."

"So you rather...distance yourself? I thought we went over that fact that I love you and don't want to leave you side?" Frowning, Kylo only shook his head.

"The life I have, you don't deserve it. That is why I've decided to send you with Alastair-"

"WHAT?!" You shouted, eyes growing wide. "W-why? Then why get my hopes up and put me in this?!" You pointed to your outfit as you looked back up at him.

"It was a sudden decision."

"Kylo, I-I don't want to leave your side! I want to be with-"

Taking a step closer before walking over to the door, Kylo looked down at you. "You _will_ join Alastair, I have hopes you will find the Resistance and find your way back to your _real_ home."

"But, Kylo, you are my-"

"My decision is _final_. I suggest you somehow remove that First Order patch once we land," Opening the door with the Force, you watched him walk out as your eyes had blurred up from sudden tears. 

"But... _you_ are my home..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, okay Kylo, keep being a dick.


	21. XX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Monsters don't deserve to be l o v e d."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YAY FOR NEW CHARACTERS BEING INTRODUCED!  
> NAY FOR ANGST AND A JERK KYLO!

How long had it been since you stood silent in the interrogation room? Hours? It surely felt like hours, although you were sure it had only been a few moments since Kylo had left your sight. _"That is why I've decided to send you with Alastair,"_ His words echoed in your head. Was he really giving up on everything he fought so long to gain once again? Was he really going to let you slip from his grip that easily? You were grief-stricken--no--you were _livid_. How could he do this to you? How could he build you up to the point you knew you loved him, and _admitted_ to it, only for him to toss you to a side like a rag doll? If he wanted to rid you so badly, then so be it, you were going to give him what he wanted. _Fine_.

Harshly ripping off the patch on your shoulder, you tossed it onto the ground and found yourself storming out of the room. Could he really play you like that? Who did he think he was to mess with your heart in such way? You didn't deserve this the least bit, maybe this is the exact reason why your parents warned you about the then boy and kept you far away--to prevent your  ~~ innocent ~~ heart from being broken. "Y/N, what-"

"You're right," You nodded to Alastair, taking a seat next to him as you roughly rubbed away any tears that threatened to escape, "I don't deserve to go with them, I deserve to go home, to the people who _truly_ love me." Seething, you kept your focus directly ahead of you, if it wasn't for the fact that your mind was going as fast as the speed of light, you were sure to have a mental breakdown. 

Standing just behind a wall of the cockpit, Kylo's eyes flinched at your unpleasant tone and how you hinted the words directly towards him. "Why the sudden change of heart?" Alastair curiously asked, eyes eyeing your frame and how tense you had become. "Did-"

"I'm seeing things clearer now, I should have listened to you from the beginning." You simply stated, feeling your heart pound against your ears. As your heart was raging, Kylo's was sinking to the pit of his stomach. He hated this, he hated everything he had become...all to keep you safe from him, because in the end, your life was far more important than the love you two shared. 

Shifting his eyes over to your upper arm, Alastair realized the First Order patch had disappeared. "Are you...alright?" Looking back up to you, he could see a few tears slip as you instantly wiped them away, eyebrows sinking as your jaw clenched. This was _not_ the time to cry, no matter how much your heart was breaking and and how bad the shattered pieces were hurting you. 

You wanted to yell, to snap Kylo out of it; if he claimed to love you, then why didn't he do something about it? Wasn't the power of love much more stronger than that of pure power? Was his rage blinding him that much from what was _really_ important in his life? _Selfish, he's selfish._ "I'll survive." You blatantly stated, clenching your fists tightly that you felt the wound in your palm burn. Had you totally forgotten about it? For almost the past twenty-four hours, the wounds felt as if they were non existent, as if Kylo had somehow took away the pain with just his once sweet presence.

_Bullshit_. It couldn't have been Kylo back there, it had to have been a side of him that had been dormant for so long that he thought he had rid for good-- _Ben Solo_. Ben was alive in there and you were lucky enough to see him resurface for a short period. "How are your wounds?" Looking at the gauze wrapped around your hand, you could see small splotches of blood appear. 

On Kylo's end, he felt a tingling sensation coming from his own gloved hand, simply removing it and seeing the skin of his palm grow red as blood came into view. He could have _sworn_ that he had rid your injuries for good, how was it possible that they came back in less than a day? "I need to change the bandages..." Lifting up the blouse from being tucked in, you could see blood seep through from your hips injury. _Lovely_. Feeling something piercing through his own hip, Kylo clutched onto it before having Phasma speak up from her position parallel to him. 

"Commander, are you alright?" Lifting up a hand, he nodded, taking in a deep breath before fixing his posture. 

"How far are we from Jakku?" The commander asked, after clearing his throat, trying to tune out the sound of your voice and the sound of his aching heart that defend him. 

Taking a step back, she presented the window of the canopy, the planet coming to view. "We actually are about to enter the planets atmosphere. Do you suggest we land in the outskirts of the villages so they are unaware of our presence?"

"I have no need to invade their homes, we've done enough on Jakku. Just land in between one of the sand dunes, they can find their way around." He stated, returning to his dull exterior as his fists tightened with his back hunching the slightest.

Furrowing her eyebrows behind the helmet, Phasma lightly cleared her throat. "Them? I was unaware we had multiple-"

"Y/N will be joining the boy." Kylo interupted, causing Phasma to slightly tilt her head, only to hold back any remark.

"As you wish, Commander."

Feeling the heavy rocking and turbulence of the ship, you let out an exhale as you leaned back. "I guess we're landing...I wonder as to where we're going..." Alastair asked, in hopes to make small talk as he knew you weren't feeling a hundred percent. 

Shaking your head, you tried your best to steady your breathing--was this a panic attack coming on or were you just _that_ furious? Shutting your eyes, your hands clutched onto the chairs arm rest as you felt the shaking come to a stop, the sudden sound of the ramp opening up and footsteps causing you to open your eyes. "We have landed, you two, come with me." Eyeing Phasma as she walked by, you blinked, following her orders and standing up. At this point, there was _no_ point in retaliating, if Kylo wanted you to stay he wouldn't have demanded that you leave with Alastair.

Seeing Alastair walk ahead of you, you could sense-- _feel_ \--Kylo's presence from behind, as if he had been watching you. Slightly looking over, you let out the slightest of huffs as you felt another tear slipping, your jaw tightening as you swallowed, quickly looking away before following the Captain down the ramp. _So this is goodbye, just watching me walk away._

Looking ahead, you were nearly blinded by the bright atmosphere reflecting off the sandy ground. Sandy? Did you just enter a planet that was the _total_ opposite of the one you had left? It was extremely bright and... _hot_. How were you going to survive in this heat with your outfit? Letting out a deep breath, a pair of stormtroopers nudged yours and Alastairs back with their blasters, making you stumble a bit as your feet hit the sand. 

"Good luck." Phasma whispered over to you before joining her troopers. Turning to gaze into the ship, your eyes narrowed as you could see Kylo coming into view, the brightness of the sun preventing you from seeing all of him, only the silver of his helmet. 

"You were wrong, Kylo," You called out as Phasma and her troops went back up the ramp. "Monsters _don't_ deserve to be love." Speaking through gritted teeth, you turned away from the ship and walked off. There was no point in watching his ship leave, he had lost you once before and swore to never let it happen again, yet, here he was letting you go for the same reasons--except this time, you'd remember it all.

Shutting his eyes from behind the helmet as he let out a slow breath, a single tear slipped from his eye as the ramp started to close. He could feel your call to him slowly fading away as your voice in his mind began to echo out. He didn't want this, he would _never_ wish for this, but fear seemed to drive him the most out of all of his emotions. Because, even though he is the biggest menace in the galaxy, he's still as lost as ever and all he knows now is power. Not love. 

You were right, monsters didn't deserve to be loved, and Kylo knew this all too well.

Blinking at your statement as he had watched you glare up at the ship, only to turn around and trudge away, Alastair quickly followed you behind. "Y/N, Y/N! Where are you going?!" Already panting from the deadly heat, he rolled up the sleeves of his shirt as he tried matching your pace.

"I-I DON'T KNOW!" You shouted, your eyes welling up with tears as your chest began to heave. "I HAVE NO CLUE WHERE I'M GOING!" Taking a few more steps up the sand dune, you only fell to you knees as your hands came to contact with the burning sand. "I'm lost, I'm so lost..." You breathed, breath hitching with the urge to cry. "He left me here...as if I were nothing to him!" You cried out as you looked up to Alastair. "I love him, I loved him...and this is what I get for loving a _monster_?" Your voice broke as you sat on the heels of your feet, face planting into the palm of your hands. "All I wanted to do was love him..."

Hesistant, Alistair slowly knelt down, placing a comforting hand on your shoulder. "Remember what I said before? About you being strong? I know that's still in you. I know this isn't going to be easy, but things happen for a reason...maybe what's ahead on this new path will bring you the life you deserve-"

"I don't deserve anything, Alastair, he is-- _was_ \--my soulmate, you can't break out of that! It isn't that easy!" You snapped, whimpering with every gasp for air as you cried. "I-I'm so lost...I've never felt so out of it before...I don't know what to do anymore. How is this even okay for my mental health? How am I even still surviving with the week I've had?"

"Because you are strong. I'm not going to sugarcoat this for you because you don't deserved to be lied to, but what you _deserve_ is better. A life free of suffering and worry, a life free from fear and problems. It may not be perfect, but it's going to be something that even fate can't give you. Fuck fate, I don't believe in it. Viktor said my fate lied in his hands, that I'd suffer along side him, look at me now...I'm _free_. That's all that matters, _freedom_. And you deserve to be free, too. Free from pain," Taking in a deep breath, Alastairs eyes lifted up to the ship now floating off, "And from _him_."

Grabbing fistfuls of the sand, your hands only loosened as you felt yourself grow weak and falling into Alastairs arms. "I've been fighting for what I thought was going to be my true love...I never thought it'd end this way..." You muttered as you clutched fistfuls of his shirt. "All I want is to be loved...I am tired of being alone. I enjoyed the freedom, but it hurts being lonely...and when I thought I finally had found it, I was wrong. So _very_ wrong...we were never meant to be together. Our fate...our destiny...we were meant to be far from one another. We were never meant to _be_."

"Don't give up on love." Clutching onto you, Alastair took in a deep breath, "You will find someone to take his place."

* * *

 

"Why is it...that I always end up back at Jakku? And coincidentally, with you two!" Finn exclaimed as he stood behind Rey's seat in the canopy, Poe rolling his eyes as he manned his section of the panels of the spaceship. "It's not like we're destined to come here-"

"On the contrary, Finn," Rey lifted up a finger, "If you had been listening to General Organa's words, she said that there was something here for us to find...because she _felt_ it in the Force." Nodding her head as she pressed a few buttons, Finn narrowed his eyes at the ship exiting the planets atmosphere.

"Does it have to do with that First Order Command Shuttle?" Finn pointed as Rey and Poe's eyes followed its direction.

Taking in a deep breath, Poe's eyes averted. "Possibly, who knows what they needed from Jakku, I thought their work with the planet was far done..." 

"What ever it may be, I think I feel it to..." Rey stated, "It must've been strong enough to hit General Organa, too..." 

Sighing, Finn took a seat as he slouched back into it. "Well, it better be worth it."

"Buckle up!" Entering the planets surface, Rey took a sudden sharp turn, sending Finn flying. 

Quickly standing up as he leaned against the wall with wide eyes, Finn shouted, "What the hell?!"

"I warned you," She chuckled, causing Poe to look at her with furrowed eyebrows. "What, I felt a pull...I'm sensing whatever it is General Organa felt..." Shrugging, Poe sighed.

"Just don't kill us..." Landing the rather large ship, Rey instantly popped out of her seat, rushing past Finn and down the ramp. "What's with the rush?!" Poe called out, quickly following behind as Finn rubbed his head, taking his sweet time catching up.

Running over a rather large sand dune, Rey pointed. "There!" Sprinting to her side, Poe and Finn squinted their eyes.

"Is that-"

"Y/N!" Poe shouted, nearly causing the small figures from afar to quickly turn around. Squinting your eyes up to the top of the sand dune, Alastair looked over to you as a small smile appeared on your lips. "Y/N!" He called out again.

"Do you know them?" Alastair pointed, causing you to nod. "Are they the ones who came in-"

"The Millennium Falcon..." Slightly tilting your head, your eyebrows narrowed. How did the trio know you were here? "Come on, they're our rescue." Grabbing onto his hand, you ignored the pain in your hip as you rushed over. The small amount of time spent between Alastair and yourself, you had somewhat calmed down from your breakdown as he thought it was a good idea to share some of his stories. It was safe to say it worked, your clouded thoughts being free--at least _temporarily_ \--as the two of you had made your way along the vast land in hopes for civilization.

"Y/N? How can you tell that's her from far away?" Finn asked, using his hand as a visor as Rey smiled. "I can't-I can't even tell it's a person! All I see is black!"

"Finn, it's Y/N, if anyone can point her out in a crowd...it's Poe," Rey rolled her eyes as she placed a hand on his shoulder. "I don't know why General Organa didn't tell us this was a rescue mission...Y/N's parents had told us about the whole First Order invasion-"

"Yet they left her home," Finn glared, "If they hadn't left her alone, she wouldn't have been kidnapped by them."

"Finn, they had to, they were protecting the Resistance-"

"And that gave them an excuse to leave their daughter in danger? I don't see why it was-"

"Look, you may not see it, but I do...there was a reason, a reason I can't quite explain and General Organa understands it, too. As far as I can tell, she's _still_ alive..." Rey pointed out as the two looked over, seeing Poe rush over to your side, instantly picking you up in a hug as you slightly grunted.

Gently placing you down, Poe studied you, "What's wrong?"

Taking in a deep breath, you sighed. "It's...a long story." Pointing over to Alastair, you introduced him. "This is my new friend, Alastair. Alastair, Poe. Poe, Alastair." You presented, Poe shooting a quick smile before grabbing onto your hand. "It's no big-"

"You're bleeding, we should change this." Softly holding onto your hand, Poe guided you up the dune as you passed Rey and Finn, waving a hello before Poe rushed you into the Falcon.

"What was that-"

Coming into view, Alastair let out a heavy breath as he squinted his eyes at Rey and Finn. "Her hand is injured and she needs to change the bandage before it gets infected." He stated, only to stick out a hand. "Alastair."

Looking at each other, the two nodded. "Rey," She slightly smiled, shaking his hand with a nod.

"Finn..." Eyeing the young man, Finn shook his hand before Rey smacked him behind the head. "Ow?!"

"Oh, stop giving him that look, he isn't working for the First Order." Turning around as she aimed to the Falcon, Finn sprinted up to her. 

"I-I, I didn't say that!" Turning to Alastair, he gave him a small glare before pointing at his eyes, then turning his two fingers towards Alastair. "He seems like a nice guy!" Shaking his head, Alastair followed behind the two, up the ramp and into the prized ship.

Sitting on the cot, Poe rushed around to gather bandages and a few alcoholic wipes. "This can't possibly be nothing, Y/N, something happened...and on your hip, too? What did you do, battle the Commander?" Taking in a deep breath, you shook your head. This last thing you needed to think about was _him_.

About to round the corner, Rey came to a sudden stop as she could feel the change in mood coming from you, a cloud of gloom hovering over you at the sound of _Commander_. "I think it is best we not mention the Commander." Rey stated as she walked by, Finn furrowing his eyebrows as Alastair lifted his.

Lifting his hands up in defense, Poe chuckled, "Whatever you say, _boss_." Unwrapping the bandage on your hand, he quickly cleaned it off, causing you to wince. "Sorry..." Gently patting at it, rather than quickly, you watched him work around. Poe was a good friend of yours, actually, he was pretty much best friends with your older brother that there wasn't a day you didn't see Poe. The two of you were close, closer than you were with Finn and Rey, but that's only because you had recently met them. It was recent, but, you grew to love the two. "I...was worried." He breathed. "We were sent to check up on your home planet and what we saw nearly scarred me..."

"Well, I'm here," You half heartedly smiled.

"Yeah, but you were taken in by the First Order...did they do this to you?" He curiously asked, wrapping the bandage around as you shook your head.

"No, they were... _decent_ , actually..."

Furrowing his eyebrows, Poe looked up. "Decent? Their Commander caused me grief trying to get information on the Resistance." Poe nearly snapped, causing you to gulp-- _that_ you didn't know.

"Poe, what did I say?!" Rey called from afar as Poe quickly apologized while shaking his head.

"It's...alright. I guess they didn't find me of use, that's why I was left here..." You lied, not wanting to share the truth just yet. 

Taking a seat next to you as he handed the wipes and new bandage your way so you could clean your hip wound, he wrapped his arms around you before pulling you in to a hug. "I'm just glad we found you..." Slowly hugging him back, your eyes widened at the sight of the droid rolling in.

"BB-8!" You smiled, nearly knocking Poe off of the bed as you greeted the round bot. "Oh, my favorite droid! Hello!" You knelt as the BB unit beeped rather enthusiastically--if only you could understand. Lucky for you, Rey could, and she laughed. _What did it say?_

"Let's just say the droid is very satisfied that you are here, something about-" Shooting a look over to Rey, Poe waved his hands, causing you to look over and see him smile as he rubbed the back of his neck, "Something about all of us missing you, BB-8 being the most." She lied with a grin, causing you to look back at the droid and nod as Poe sighed, giving Rey a thumbs up.

"You know, I don't understand as to why he doesn't just-" Covering Finns mouth, Rey lifted up a finger, lucky for them, you were too distracted. "I say it's time we go..."

The entire time Alastairs head had been bobbing back and forth, that is, until he couldn't stop staring at the droid. Never had he seen a droid _this_ happy. "Where are we going?" You and Alastair chorused, only to exchange looks as Rey answered.

"D'Qar."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry and I'm not sorry...
> 
> but who's happy that Finn, Rey, Poe, and BB-8 have finally been introduced?!


	22. XXI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Destiny doesn't rule you, y o u do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get your tissues ready because here comes the emotional train...

There was an absence in the Force, a sense of loneliness and hollowness that echoed out throughout Ren's chest. He could feel himself losing you, bit by bit. _It had to be done_. The feeling of your soul undoing itself from his ever so slowly was deadly, he was afraid you had found someone else the moment he saw that _oh so_ familiar ship land on the sandy terrain of Jakku. Anguish, defeat, heart break, anything that could make the young man feel miserable was attacking him all at once. This was his own doings and only he could undo it--yet, he couldn't. Because fear lead his world and his world was dark and empty, and a soulless carcass like his couldn't contain love.

He could feel his hate eat him alive, he had worked so hard to obtain your love again, he risked his own life saving you--yet, he let it all slide. How was he not destroying the shuttle at this very moment? His heart was heavy, breathing becoming rapid as the atmosphere around him spun. Why did he do this? Why did he let the _one_ good thing that resurfaced in his life, go? _Fear_. Snoke was the most intimidating figure in his life, he couldn't bare the fact of the Supreme Leader finding you and holding your fate in his lengthy, scrawny pale hands.

Letting out a deep breath, ridding any bit of anxiety that filled the void called his soul, he took a seat on of the chairs attached the the metallic walls--the one you had sat on. How was he going to survive this? This was far more different than before, you knew _nothing_ before. But now, now you knew _everything_ and now you lied in the hands of another man with a broken heart, could he possibly mend the wound he tore into you?

It was a shame, the idea of Kylo allowing someone else to have you because he wasn't _man_ enough. He knew all about Poe, he know how much he crushed on you since stars knows when. But Poe never had the guts to admit it, after all, you were too busy loving Ben then, but he didn't know...he assumed you didn't fell the same.

_Poe Dameron_. Kylo felt his chest tighten, if anyone could give you a better life, it would be him. Poe was the son Leia wished Kylo had turned out to be. Poe was the boy who won the hearts of all the parents and all the girls and boys when they were younger--and Kylo was sure he _still_ had that power. Yet, you had fallen for the quiet one who found himself to be a loner, and Kylo could never fathom as to why you had loved him out of all people so much.

It pained him. At this moment, you could be falling for someone else, the possibility of the love you once felt for Kylo running cold in your veins and being replaced of that warm one Poe had been pumping into you. Why wasn't he feeling the least bit of jealousy?

Oh, that's right, because Kylo _wasn't_ good enough for you.

Poe _was_.

But did you believe that? Was Poe the better one? Then one fate _didn't_ have planned for you to be with? How could you tell, at least now, when you had just been reunited? You weren't sure what to feel, Kylo did break your heart and here was Poe picking up the pieces and slowly mending them back together just for you.

_Who_ was the better man?

_Who_ had the power to win your heart?

Kylo felt any last bit of his once growing heart deteriorate back to its original state. How could he have a heart when he had no one to share it with?

He was back to being _lonely_.

Back to being _broken_. 

And _Ben_ _Solo_ was once again, a lost boy.

The sight of you lying ever so quietly on Poes shoulder made his heart skip a beat. He gave up the position of copilot and trusted Finn to do the deed as he didn't have the heart to wake you up--you looked so peaceful--so... _beautiful_. Why did it take him so long to admit his feelings for you?

Age was but a number, the two of you being about a handful of years apart, maybe less, but still, his heart called for you. But he knew yours never called for his.

Sighing, Poe tugged on the blanket over your shoulders as you sat fast asleep. He couldn't wait to get back to D'Qar, to get you to a warm bath and new clothes, bring you into your families arms and rid you of any fear you must've had from the First Order.

Oh if he only knew the whole story.

Mumbling a bit, you sat up a bit groggily, stretching as you lightly yawned. "Morning, Princess," Poe teased as you rolled your eyes with a small smile. "We should be landing soon."

"How long have I been out?" You asked, removing the blanket from your shoulders.

"About an hour...you must be beat up, you deserve a week off." Raising your eyebrows, you let out an ironic chuckle--if he only knew. "So...do you, uh...when ever you feel comfortable...you can talk to me about-"

"Once we land on D'Qar and I get a good shower along with food and a nap on a real bed...then we'll see," you pointed a finger. Eventually you were going to have to tell him. Now, were you going to tell him the _whole_ thing? Time will only tell.

"Buckle up, kids, we're about to enter the planets atmosphere." Rey announced as you did as told. Things were about to change; for good? You weren't all that sure. Your heart still ached and called for Kylo, but your soul was ripped in half and your mind was rueing his name. Why did it have to take such turn? For all you know, Kylo could have been here with you now, in his rightful place.

Letting out a sigh, you gazed down at the ground as the memories flashed of the intimate afternoon you two shared. He was so... _different_ then. So happy and alive, so caring and gentle, so sweet...so... _Ben_. You missed it, you wanted to relive it and savor the moment. If you knew the route your short relationship would take, you were sure to have locked that door and lied in his arms for longer.

But maybe that wasn't the path you were meant to be on. Maybe there was someone else, like Alastair said, someone else who would take Kylos place. But who? Who would you love like you loved Kylo? Who would love you like Kylo  loved you?

Your heart clenched. You missed him, without a doubt. You missed his touch, his voice, the sheer sight of him. You missed it all too much and for what? Only to be lightyears away from one another? Only to be devastated? Kylo Ren was someone you _loathed_ and _loved_ altogether.

Now the question was, did you _still_ love him?

You couldn't answer that, not now at least, you were still hurting... _fuming_. Your thoughts were clouded, you wouldn't be able to sanely answer that just yet.

Not realizing your thoughts had taken you to a different place, the sight of Rey and Finn walking over snapped you out of it. "Y/N, we have someone we'd like you to see. She requests your visit." Rey slightly smiled down at you as you unbuckled the seat belt, looking over at Poe and seeing him slightly nod.

"Who might that be?" You curiously asked, following the duo shortly behind as BB-8 stayed behind with Poe, Alastair at your side.

"Leia, General Organa." Someone you hadn't seen in the longest of times.

Taking in a deep breath, for some reason you felt _uneasy_. Had she known? No way. But how could you doubt a motherly instinct? Leia was anything but oblivious...and she is Force sensitive. Whatever this was about, you were sure as hell it was going to mainly be about her son.

"Alastair, how about I show you around a bit, Y/N told me about you. Maybe we can make a pilot out of you..." Poe patted the boys back, causing him to chuckle with Alastair as the three of them--BB-8 included--parted their ways.

The Resistance base--let alone, D'Qar--wasn't all that familiar to you. You had bee there a good amount of times, but never did you roam around. Most of the time, it was in the same building or the same room, sometimes out watching the pilots train...nothing more. If anything, the Resistance visited _you_ more. You had a fair amount of friends--your closets being Rey, Finn, and Poe--so without a doubt they visited you every chance they got. They knew you were lonely, always working with babies, and when you weren't working with babies, you were back home probably sleeping with how long your work shifts were.

Now that you think about it, you were always alone. Of course, you were extremely grateful of their visits, but they were seldom--so were your parents and your brothers--and since you worked with babies...well, there wasn't much social interaction going on. You loved what you did, you wouldn't change it for the world, but you did you wish you had someone else in your life...at least someone to come home to.

Not even realizing it, the three of you were waiting just outside of a room, standing in the hall as Rey and Finn exchanged a few whispers before the door slid open. "General Organa," Rey smiled, "It  would have been nice if you told us our mission was to save Y/N...that would have made Finn shut up." Glaring at Rey, Finn only shook his head as Leia couldn't seem to move her eyes away from you, a wide grin placed on her face.

It wasn't like you were uncomfortable, but you knew so much that would lead to Leia frowning rather than smiling. And so you were right, she sensed something, and that once heartwarming grin slowly formed into a frown. "Rey, Finn, thank you...also, thank Poe and BB-8, I have something to discuss with our dear Y/N," She gave the two a sweet smile before gesturing for you to enter the room. Smiling over to Rey and Finn, you swiftly walked in before Leia followed you. "It's been so long...look how you've grown..." She lightly laughed, "Take a seat," Gesturing, you took the spot across from her. "There's so much I want to talk about, to catch up on...you're parents have told me about the woman you have become. I am so proud to hear."

"Thank you," You smiled, lightly swallowing as you could feel your heart in your throat, "I must admit, you aged gracefully..."

"Oh, don't tease. Although, yes, it has been years since we last saw each other...that is why I have so many things to ask you--let alone, give you a room to stay temporarily to relax in--but at the moment, I'm afraid it has to wait..." Feeling your heart now sink to the pit of your stomach, you slowly nodded. "There is pain in you...in your eyes...I can see it, I can _feel_ it." Sighing, her eyes shifted from either of yours. "You saw my son, didn't you?" 

Seeing your eyes slightly widen, she nodded. "Yes, but...but not in the way Poe had...well, as far as I know, his encounter with the Commander--uh, your son--wasn't all that lovely."

"Ah, yes..." Nodding, she shifted in her seat as her hands held onto one another. "You are quite unaware of what happened then-"

"I know that Ben-- _Kylo_ \--had killed Han. At least I learned...in a way I shouldn't have..." You breathed, remembering back to the moment you heard Kylo's thoughts...the thought of him killing his own father. It made you cringe, how could you have forgotten _that_? "But...he didn't do anything to me-" _At least not physically_. "I somehow escape, ran off, hid...only to be kidnapped by some maniac..." Brushing over the topic, you couldn't tell her everything, not just yet.

"Then how is it that you were on Jakku, of all places?" Looking up at her from your rather more interesting legs, you only felt your mouth fall open, only to shut. "You don't have to hide anything from me, Y/N...I know Finn saw that First Order Command Shuttle... _his_ shuttle. It was leaving Jakku." Furrowing your eyebrows, she continued on. "He saved you, didn't he?"

Growing wide eyed, you were speechless, how did she know that? No one knew that! "I-...I-"

Lifting up a hand, you only took in a deep breath as she spoke up, "I know my son, although he claims I wasn't a good mother, I do know my Ben. I know a lot of things, Y/N, but I am one to keep my mouth shut." Unsure as to where she was getting to, she let out a small sigh. "You two, you two had this powerful connection-" Gasping, Leia only continued on, "-like I said, I know my son. I felt something strong between the two of you, so _very_ strong-"

"Then why would you not want him near me?" You quickly interjected, only making her shake her head.

"I did _not_ want that. Han did, your parents did, Luke did...Luke sensed it too, but he sensed it differently. Not in the way I saw it--I saw you as his savior...Luke saw you as his weakness..." Furrowing your eyebrows once again, Leia's eyes wandered around. "He told your parents, told them that you and Ben had this bond...of course, like any parent would be, they were protective. Only they knew about Ben's struggles--that is why the kept you away--unlike your brother who befriended him."

"Is that why he...we...is that why I never really saw him?" Your voice slightly cracked. "Did Ben know?" Nodding her head, you only released a shaky breath. "He knew even before?"

"I sensed it when you were born, I sensed some connection the moment he had met you...Ben wasn't much older, but I saw the bond form then and there. Of course, Ben wasn't aware then, I'm sure he had found out far later but didn't put two and two together...he just saw it as attraction, possibly something out of curiosity. He was fascinated by you in _many_ ways...but he knew he had to stay away. No one really told him to, they just kept him distant, but eventually he found out on his own the moment he overheard your mother and Luke speaking..." Seeing her gaze turn back to you, your own slowly dropped. "More happened, you were missing for a week, Y/N...those injuries you have--the hand and hip wound--how were they caused?"

Sighing, you eyed your palm and gently rubbed the gauze wrapped around it. "Like I said, I got kidnapped..."

"And?"

"And a lot happened..." Your voice faltered. At this point, you might as well tell her if she already knew so much. "I was held hostage for what felt like centuries--no food, no water, no sleep...I was miserable, I was _dying_...Alastair was there, he was helping the man who took me in, except he didn't have that malice in him. He was a lost cause at first, he had no one else, but something snapped in him and he tried helping me but every time he did, my kidnapper would catch him...along with his 'sister'."

Thinking back to it, your stomach turned, you would never wish that even on your worst enemy. It was terrible and you were so grateful Kylo had saved you...what a shame how your knight in shinning armor was a knight for all the _wrong_ reasons.

"I was bait, to lure your son into a trap, the man wanted to kill Kylo...he blamed him for everything bad that happened to him and somehow...somehow he knew about our bond. And sadly, his plan had worked. Kylo saved me." Smiling, you couldn't help but tear up, Kylo was your savior, without him...well, you'd be far gone. "But there was consequences...Kylo died." Furrowing her eyebrows, Leia only leaned in closer. "I-I don't know how he...he even came back to life? It wasn't true loves kiss or anything, he...he just _did_. But that isn't even half of it, when Kylo was being killed, I felt everything, all his pain...and then it suddenly disappeared."

Standing up from her seat as she watched the tears drip down onto your thighs, Leia moved over to your side and softly rubbed circles against your back. "You don't have to continue on-"

"Your son may be a menace...but-but he risked his life for me. He _saved_ me. I saw Ben, that was Ben who sacrificed himself..." Wiping the tears with the back of your hand, you gasped a bit, trying to catch your breath. "I suffered, I never thought I would...I would be lying if I said didn't hate him at first for kidnapping me and for the things he had done...but then I felt it all all over again...but _more_. It was heightened." Looking up to her, you cried out, "I love your son...and what do I get for loving him? Abandonment." Stuffing your face into your hands, Leia knelt down and felt your pain radiate off of you and onto her.

This was what she feared. This is the exact thing she never wanted to happen. She knew about your original relationship and she knew all about you forgetting about it...she was thankful Ben--Kylo--was smart in _that_ sense. But now, seeing you all broken and in pain...it hurt her. You were so delicate, you were a flower, so sweet and pure...you didn't deserve any of this.

"He was so kind, so loving, he saved me from the hands of death the moment I thought I was going to be reunited with him. He was so different, so different Leia, but something had snapped in him...something triggering the sudden change in mood. He become his cold self, growing distant and pushing me away. I was supposed to go back to the First Order base with him...but then he took a turn on me and left me with Alastair on Jakku. I-" Taking in a deep breath, you looked her in the eye. "I don't know what I did to deserve this? I was a complete jerk to him at first, yes, I'll admit...I was overly dramatic and a--excuse my language--a bitch, but what do you expect when a mass murderer says that you are his without even knowing the man at first? Is it my fault? I must have driven him away..."

"No, none of it is." Feeling your head throb from the pain, Leia grabbed your hands and stood up, leaning against the table in front of you as she smiled. "I knew you two were together then. I could feel it with the change in Ben, he was so... _different_. He was still cold to his father, but not _as_ cold...he was...he was his old self in a sense, before he started shifting. He was more happy, more friendly, and more... _loving_. It made me so happy to see him happy...of course, he didn't know I knew. Han was oblivious," Leia snickered, "But I knew...I knew the moment you two wondered off on that Valentines Day...that moment he handed you that rose. I knew what you two had was about to blossom. Who was I to prevent it? I tried my best to hide it, to avoid your parents from seeing it every chance I got...and, well, it worked."

Looking up at her with a slight tilt in your head, you only nodded the slightest. It made sense. There were moments Ben wold sneak out just to see you, it was dangerous because just behind the wall Luke was there and you were sure Luke had heard the giggles and slight moaning from all the kissing. Then there were those moments Ben would sneak into your room when his parents would visit your own, saying how it was a wine party...you were sure your mother was about to come upstairs the moment you heard the stairs creak...but something stopped her. So many incidents and all along, Leia was protecting what you and Ben had.

Did she think you were his anchor? The pull that would keep him in the light?

"I was so...so happy for my Ben, it made me teary eyed. I even had moments I cried out of happiness knowing Ben was happy. I love Ben, so much, no matter what he has become. A mothers love for her child can never be severed, no matter what circumstances. I've only just gained Luke back and my niece...things are starting to build up once again. You lose people along the way, no matter if it be death or distance, but eventually, things come full circle, Y/N." Holding your cheek as she wiped a tear away, she smiled, "Don't give up on hope. Hope will take you a long way, no matter what path that may be. Destiny doesn't rule you, you do."

Breathing in, you nodded. This was the courage you needed, it was something you had to hear. But, still, you had a broken heart and you needed the distance, to think things through, to clear your thoughts, to be free from the collateral damage that happened in your life in the past week. You needed someone else to console in, to make things better, to help you mend the wound. You needed-

"General, sorry to interrupt, but we have received some signals from-" Looking over, Poe instantly cut himself off. "Y/N?"

"How about you show Y/N to her temporary stay on the base, I think that's best..." Leia patted your back as you nodded, standing up. "But before you go..." Leia lifted up a finger, rounding the table and reaching into a drawer, pulling out a small black box. "I think Ben wanted to give you this after you two had hit a year in your relationship but never had the guts, nor chance, to..." She softly spoke, holding your hand and placing the box in it, pushing your fingers down. "Shower and get some rest, I'll make sure to send some food your way." Winking, you instantly pulled her into a hug.

"Thank you...for everything," You whispered before letting go, exchanging heartwarming smiles as you then turned to walk to Poe.

"Is everything alright?" Poe asked as you approached him, the two of you walking off. Seems as if what Poe had to say wasn't all that important.

"Yeah..." Looking at the box, you clutched it, "Leia just wanted to catch up..." You nodded, giving him a quick smile. "We talked about childhood memories and it made me quite sentimental..."

Nodding, he pointed to the box. "Does it explain that?"

"Hmm?" Looking down at the box, you then turned to him. "Oh, yeah...something of mine I thought I had lost..." You lied, Poe only smiling.

"Alright, well, here's your spot. It's really close to General Organa's quarters...so, if anything, you've got her. And me, well, I'm a holo-call away!" He chuckled before unlocking the door with a code. "Same for Rey and Finn..." 

Grinning, you nearly freaked. "Oh my gosh, where's Al-"

"Oh, he's fine, he's actually having the time of his life watching some of the blue and re squadron train...let me tell you, that kid has potential, I let him do a test run and...wow." Poe gawked, letting you in before he stood at the door frame. 

"I'm sure he will never be as good as you," You teased, nudging his chest as he agreed. "Only one Poe Dameron."

"Damn right."

"Thank you for the very short walk, I appreciated it." Pulling him into a hug, Poe went wide eyed before hugging back. "We should catch up, maybe once I shower and nap...we should, uh..."

Leaning back, he tried finishing your sentence for you, "Dinner? Uh, I mean, we should catch up at dinner? Not like a date, haha, as friends!" He cheered, causing you to giggle.

"Of course, yes, sounds good. Just uh, knock really hard because I may be asleep..."

"Alright, will do," He gave you a thumbs up. "How does 2000 sound?"

"Eight o'clock, you mean?" Arching an eyebrow, Poe face-palmed. 

"Yeah, that, sorry..."

"Eight it is." Looking up at him, he only rubbed the back of his neck out of nervousness. "I should, uh, shower...sleep...you know," You pointed behind you as Poe agreed.

"Yeah, totally! I'll...I'll see you later!" He waved, you waving goodbye back before turning away from him, hearing the door shut. Letting out a sigh, you leaned your back against a wall as you stared at the box, slowly pulling it open just before a paper fell out. Crouching down, you picked it up. The paper was aged and the writing was smudged, but it was still legible. 

_To my dear, Y/N...my angel..._

_I know this may seem so cliche as my gift to you for our one year is a necklace with an angel, but I thought I'd add a piece of the crystal I used for my lightsaber...I wanted to be cute and cheesy, but I'm really bad at these kind of things so I hope you appreciate it...I'm not all that romantic but I hope this does its justice. I love you with all my heart and I really can't express how much I do, it would be creepy if I literally got a piece--never mind, that's very weird...I hope you enjoy this gift as much as I enjoyed getting/making it. You hold a piece of me now, something I will never let go--my lightsaber--as you hold me close to your heart I'll be holding you close to my being._

_Happy one year anniversary,_

_-Love always and forever, to the end of the universe, Ben._

The letters began to smudge more and more and you weren't sure as to why, that is until you felt the wet stains on your cheek as the tears had dripped from your chin and onto the paper. Pressing the letter close to you chest, you took in a deep breath as you walked over to the bathroom, instantly clipping on the necklace as you eyed it in the mirror. It was beautiful, it was the best gift one could give, and now you hold the only piece of Ben that was left--the crystal.

Leaning your hand against the counter of the sink as your injured one clutched tightly onto the pendant, you shut your eyes as you sniffed, crying out softly "I love you Ben, always...and forever."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No lie, I teared up writing the last parts of this chapter...I'm gonna go cry now...


	23. XXII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "...in a distant planet far far away, Kylo felt his own s h r i v e l."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Slight mentions of blood in the beginning.
> 
> This is considered a filler chapter (if anything) as I introduce Poe and reader's 'friendship'

There had been a sudden change in the ambience, as if all the weights on Kylo's shoulders had suddenly disappeared. A feeling of ease sped throughout his body as there hadn't been an ounce of misery, nor anger or pain, coursing through his veins--just sheer _happiness_. The air hadn't felt thin and suffocating around him like it usually had, nor did he feel the urge to ball his fists or clench his jaw-- _rather_ \--he lied there, arms crossed behind his head as his eyes stayed shut. "C'mon, Kylo...look at me..." The voice giggled, a hint of desire being expressed as he could feel the fingers delicately trace the beauty marks that sprinkled his face. "Don't be that way..."

A sudden pressure on his chest was felt as he released a heavy breath, something about the world around him felt so... _fictional_. He couldn't possibly feel _this_ good, let alone, have not an ounce of worry hoarding the back of his mind. He didn't want to open his eyes, everything in him begged for him to keep them close, but the sound of that oh-so familiar voice triggered the opposite. Being presented with the sight of the bland ceiling, he let out a soft sigh before a face came into view.

"Finally!" She smiled as her lose hair tickled his skin. "I hate when you keep your eyes close, you can never see what you truly desire..." Furrowing his eyebrows, he blinked--how were you even there in front of him? "Instead, you live behind walls, letting your fears drive you...when in reality, you should be looking at what you _really_ love." Seeing you bite your lower lip the slightest, Kylo reached out a hand and gently placed it on your cheek, a shaky breath escaping from his lungs as tears began to pool in his eyes--you were _real_.

Smiling, Kylo's heart fluttered at the sight of your lips curving upwards;  _this_ was what he wanted to wake up to everyday. "You're so beautiful..." His thumb stroked your cheek as the tears began to overflow. Why was he crying? Wasn't this what he _truly_ wanted? "So... _so_ beautiful..." He breathed, pulling you down as he felt his body tremble, lips about to connect with your own, "I love-" Choking on his own words, he couldn't seem to speak.

"You can never say you love me, you always choke on your words!" You furiously snapped, shoving his hand off of you. "This is why it didn't work, because you're afraid! You are afraid of everything--Snoke, love... _yourself_. It's a shame, Kylo, it's a shame you had to let me go all because of your fears." Shaking your head, you straddled him as you shoved your hand into his chest, causing his lips to part at the feeling of your hand reaching inside and ripping his heart out. He couldn't scream, he couldn't cry out in pain, all he felt was the hollowness inside of him as the tears continuously streamed down. "You don't need this. You're heartless, right?" Watching the blood drip down your hand as you clutched onto the muscular organ, fingers digging in deep, Kylo shook his head--this _couldn't_ be real. "You could never love me the way I truly deserved. You were right to leave me. I belong with Poe now."

Clutching rather tightly onto his thin bed sheets, Kylo's chest rapidly heaved as his breaths came out staggered, eyes shooting open as the tears began to slip down the side of his face. It hadn't even been a day since he had left you and Alastair on Jakku, yet, he was already feeling the aftermath. His dreams were never this menacing--actually, most of his dreams were quite dull--that is until he fully wiped them out and had dreamless nights. It had been years since he had _actually_ dreamed, after all, he only ever got at least five hours of sleep with the position he was in. 

Sitting up in his bed, Kylo's chest grew heavy as the pressure of the separation began pressing against him. You were right, or at least his dream version of you was--he was heartless and allowed his fear to drive him. Pushing his long, vibrating hands through his unruly hair as the strands stuck to his face from his sweat, he couldn't help but sit in the darkness and allowed the silence consume him. Something in him naturally turned to the side of his bed that was barren and looked as if it hadn't been touched in ages, after all, Kylo only slept on the left side of his bed. 

_Your spot_ , it was going to be your spot, you were supposed to be there when he would wake up in the middle of the night from his insomnia or from those cruel nightmares that would seldomly slip in. You were supposed to be there when he came in late, waking up at the sound of him coming to bed as you tiredly grinned at him. You were supposed to be there to be held, for him to hold you for as long as he could, so he wouldn't lose you...yet, here was, sitting in his own misery as you were light-years away. Oh how his hollowed heart ached for your love.

"Y/N? Y/N, you awake in there?" Tossing and turning on the new, rather comfortable bed, your eyebrows knitted the slightest--why were you being so cruel? Why were you holding Kylo's heart in your grip? Was your subconscious trying to tell you something? If only you knew the dream projecting into your mind was coming from Kylo's own. "Y/N?" Shooting up in your bed as you panted, mouth twitching into a frown as your eyes swelled up with tears, you took in a deep breath before snapping your head in the direction of the door. "I really hope I didn't wake you up..."

Hearing Poe's voice, you quickly stood up, wiping any loose tears as you wrapped the blanket over your shoulders. "I did warn you that I'd sleep," You chuckled the slightest as you answered the door, not wanting Poe to worry. For all he knew, your eyes were red from sleeping. "And let me tell you, that bad is _amazing_...best sleep ever." You lied, hearing Poe laugh as he nodded his head--it broke your heart knowing that he didn't know it was all an act.

"Well, if you love it so much, I can just bring you back dinner and we can-"

Waving your hands, you shook your head, causing Poe's mouth to slam shut as he furrowed his eyebrows. "No, no! I'm still up for your offer, let me just, uh..." Tossing the blanket onto the couch to your right, you stretched out the v-neck you had been wearing to free it from it's creases. "Shoes, I need shoes..." Looking around, you found a pair of canvas shoes and instantly slipping them on. "I'm going for the 'I'm lazy and tonight feels like a sweats night' look," You teased with a smile as you left the small hotel-like room, hearing the door shut behind you as you walked side by side with Poe.

"Eh, it's eight, who cares," He swatted a hand.

"You make it sound like it's midnight..." Arching an eyebrow, Poe shrugged.

"Well, most people are either asleep now because of early shifts or too busy out in the hangars...never in the dinning hall..."

"Then when's dinner for you guys?" You curiously asked.

"Around six, sometimes ten...depends, usually it's early or late. It all relies on the schedule you're on. My schedule includes the ten o'clock dinner, but Leia was nice enough to let me take you to the special eight o'clock solo dinner," He winked, causing you to chuckle.

"I appreciate it," Nodding your head, the two of you chatted a bit more, you learning more about the things he did that you hadn't known before as you told Poe a few stories about your job. This had continued on throughout your dinner, stories going left and right as you and Poe shared your own. It was quite lovely, you had to admit, the laughs and the nearly choking-on-food experiences due to the crying/laughing attacks you two had. It was a great distraction, removing the sweet dream-turned-nightmare from your thoughts; you were thankful Poe woke you up the moment you had 'ripped' Kylo's heart out. "And that's not even the worst part! The baby must've been a nervous wreck because he peed on _another_ nurse, and then when the father came in, the poor kid peed on him too! I don't know how such small creature could pee so much!"

"So, what? Did everyone just reek of pee? I mean, there must've been a lot of pee stains..." Poe questioned as he tried taking a sip of his water before being attacked with another round of laughs.

"Sadly, yes..." You sighed, "And I felt terrible for the janitors, so I cleaned up most of it. My scrubs even smelled of it, I couldn't believe how much pee I had seen in under an hour..." Half smiling, you pushed the remains of your food around with your fork, feeling content as you hadn't laughed like this in so long. It made you wonder, would you have experienced this with Kylo if you stayed with him on the base? Taking in a deep breath, you felt the pressure in your chest grow as Kylo crept back into your thoughts, the nightmare haunting you as your jaw clenched.

"Well, I must admit, the two of us have quite the unique stories...let me tell you, as much as I love my crew, they can be pretty insane. But who am I to talk? I've done weird things, too..." Nodding in agreement, Poe was doing the same with his food as he could feel the mood shift to that of stillness. "I should introduce you to them someday soon."

Looking up at him with a smile, you nodded. "Yeah, totally...I'll be looking forward to that..." Feeling the compulsion greaten, you tried taking in a deep breath, assuming that would help rid the slight anxiety creeping up on you. "It would be a great...idea...I mean, you...you and my dad talk lots about the other pilots." Blinking as your hand clutched onto your chest, the images of your nightmare began blending in with that of those from the past week you had--seeing Kylo die, you being kidnapped and tortured, Kylo abandoning you...the list went on repeat. It felt too much, the air growing drastically thin as your mind began to spin.

"Whoa...Y/N, are you alright?" Poe narrowed his eyebrows as he stood up, a hand out towards you as everything around you slowly blurred.

Nodding your head, you stood up and excused yourself. "I-I need to..." Unable to take a single step, you fell to your knees as you gasped for air, eyes blurring up from sudden tears as your bottom lip trembled. "I-I..." trying to form words, you whimpered the slightest as you blinked away the tears...was this some sort of panic attack? Why now out of all times. "I-I'm..." Voice cracking, you only fell forward to have your hands hold you up, Poe instantly rushing to your side as a hand gently rested on your back while the other softly rubbed your arm.

"Hey, Y/N, listen to my voice...you're safe, you're fine. I'm here with you, everyones here, you're home." At the sound of home, you shook your head. "It's alright, no one can hurt you now-"

"It-it hurts..." You cried out, holding a fistful of your shirt as the tears became more violent. "It hurts...it hurts, Poe!" Shaking your head, your body shook as the images grew rapid, invading your thoughts and weakening your sanity. "I-I can't...I can't handle it..."

Knitting his eyebrows as he blinked at the sight, Poe grew closer as he pulled you to his chest, arms wrapping rather tightly around you as you cried into his jacket. "Shh...it's all going to be alright, I'm here, you're safe..."

Still shaking your head, the images of Kylo saving you crashed into your thoughts, your chest hurting even more as your heart grew heavy. "No...nothing is ever going to be alright..." You mumbled, your body shivering. "You don't understand..."

"What don't I understand?" Poe asked as you took in deep breaths. "I knew you went through hell, but you're home-"

"This isn't home!" You shouted, shoving yourself off of him before apologizing. "I-I'm sorry...I'm sorry..." Standing up, your legs wobbled a bit before you tried rushing off, only to lean against the wall and clutch onto your head. "Make it stop...make it stop..." You spoke, voice cracking as you slid down the wall. "Make it stop..."

"Make what stop?" Poe slowly approached you. "Y/N, tell me what's wrong..."

"The pain...the pain in my heart, make it stop..." Voice coming out in a light whisper, Poe slightly frowned as he crouched down next to you. "The images...they're too much."

"What images?" Poe asked, eyes knitting up as he watched your frame shake as you held onto your head.

"The images...of Kylo..."

Feeling his body grow tense, Poes jaw clenched, tone growing harsh. "What did he do to you?"

Taking in a deep breath, you turned your gaze to Poe, "He abandoned me and broke my heart..." Tilting his head the slightest, as if trying to make sense of the situation, his eyes only widened at your next words, "when he said he loved me."

Gulping, Poe felt himself nearly lose his balance, "He...he _loved_ you?" He questioned. "K-Kylo Ren?"

Nodding, you felt the tears resurface, you turned your head away as you leaned it against the wall. "Kylo Ren..."

"W-wha-..." Looking at you, as if trying to find any sign of it being a joke, he only felt his heart sink to his feet as he could tell you weren't lying. "K-Kylo...Kylo Ren l-loves...you?" Blinking, he took in a deep breath.

Shaking your head, you pulled your legs into your chest as you wrapped your arms around them. "Ben Solo loved me, Kylo Ren _broke_ my heart." Unable to comprehend the situation, Poe fell back, eyes glued onto your vibrating figure as he grew more and more concerned. He knew about Ben Solo being 'kept away' from you, he knew about the unspoken of bond, he knew it all because he was like a son to Leia and she trusted him with her _life_...but he never knew about _this_.

All his life, at least the portion of when he fell for you, he thought you weren't into all that--he thought you enjoyed being single--never did the idea of you sneaking around with Ben Solo cross his mind. "And-and you love...K-Kylo?" Poe choked on his words.

Hearing the slight fear in his words, you looked at Poe with the slightest frown. Of course you knew he liked you, you just never made it obvious that you knew. "I-I..." Gulping, you turned your now throbbing head as you shut your eyes, the images slowly fading into darkness. "I love _..._ I loved _..._ I _-_." Unable to respond, your voice faltered.

Inhaling, Poe's eyes grew heavy with sorrow, "When...when did you love him?"

"I loved him then when he was Ben Solo..." You admitted, "We snuck around, it was forbidden love...I should have known I was being kept away from him for good reasons." Taking in a shaky breath, you continued on. "He wiped my memory just before fully turning to the dark side. I knew of him, but not in that way, in the way were _supposed_ to know one another. Then the outbreak happened, he saved me from the fire and--well--we were reunited." Seeing the images disappear, you took a breather. "I hated the man he was, I never knew he was Ben Solo--or my soulmate--" Flinching at your words, Poe was thankful that you weren't looking at him. "A lot happened...I was kidnapped from the hands of the First Order, which is why I had these scars...because a beast was going to kill me if it wasn't for Kylo." Blinking as you felt the tears build up once again, your bit your bottom lip. "He risked his life for me...he _died_...I saw him _die_. But somehow, somehow he came back to life, and that moment on...I fell in love with him again. I could have sworn he felt the same way, the way he was with me...the way he acted around me, held me, spoke to me...it felt _lovely_. But I was wrong, so very wrong...Kylo Ren is a monster and he left me on Jakku like I was a useless droid." Snapping your head back over to Poe, Poe instantly  took a seat next to you as he wrapped an arm around your shoulder.

"I'm..." Shutting his eyes for a moment, he allowed everything to seep in, "Sorry."

"Don't appologize...you're just giving me a shoulder to cry on and I'm thankful for it." Feeling his heart thud, Poe fought a smile, this clearly wasn't the time to be happy.

"Anything for you, always know I've got your back." Giving your shoulder a squeeze,  Poe leaned his head on your own as he could hear your breathing go back to normal. "How about we take you back to your room." Looking up at him, you nodded as he gave you a sweet smile. Standing up, Poe stuck out a hand as you stood up, only to see him remove his jacket as he lied it across your shoulders.

"Oh, no, I'm-"

"Trust me, when there's tears, there's always chills," He winked.

 And without a doubt, he was right. 

On your way back you had been shaking, Poe gladly giving you some of his own warmth as he pulled you close while the two of you walked with a comfortable silence floating around. "Let me know if you need anything." Standing in your door way as it had slipped open, you turned around and grabbed his hand, pulling him in. 

"You honestly don't think I'm getting rid of you already, do you?" Shaking his head, you let out a small laugh, "Good, because I think I need a buddy to cry on while I watch some cute videos about Ewoks."

Grinning, Poe followed you over to the couch as you grabbed the tablet, opening up a few videos as you wrapped your blanket around the two of you. "Are we really doing this?"

"It's the least I can do for ruining our dinner-"

"Oh, no way, you did _not_ ruin it. Your health is far more important than my satisfaction." Feeling your heart warm up, you smiled up at him, Poe's cheeks only heating up at the sight of your slight happiness--he was making _you_ happy.

"Thanks, Poe...for everything."

Feeling your heart well up, in a distant planet far far away, Kylo felt his own shrivel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHO WILL IT BE
> 
> WHO WILL READER END UP WITH
> 
> POE?!
> 
> OR KYLO?!
> 
> It is a Kylo fic after all...but who knows?!


	24. XXIII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "...I should have done s o m e t h i n g."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Minor mentions of blood...v small.
> 
> Yet another filler chapter, but I promise, next chapters will pick up :)

There wasn't enough force in the universe to keep Kylo asleep, his nightmares attacking him on repeat, it was almost like all the ones he prevented before came crashing down all at once. Sitting with his back hunched forward, the heel of his palms rubbed against his eyes as he had hopped _that_ would stop the crying. It wasn't even midnight, and yet, for the past few hours he could have sworn he had over a dozen nightmares. Throwing his head back as he stared up at the dull ceiling, a huff left his lips as his heaving chest slowly subsided. He couldn't help but think of the past he had with you, it was wonderful, it was everything he ever wanted--minus the sneaking around, but that made the experience more exhilarating--and he only regretted the turn he took.

But how would he have prevented it? His entire life he had been influenced by the wrong side, being manipulated and fed lies upon lies his once vulnerable (was he still vulnerable?) soul believed. It was a shame that now, almost thirty years into his life, he realized how _wrong_ it all was. Yet, here he was, still taking the place of the Commander and master as that's all he knew how to do. Or so he ~~liked~~ to tell himself.

Rubbing his forehead from the increasing migraine, Kylo haphazardly swung his legs over his bed, lying his forearms on his thighs as he sat with yet another hunch in his back. What was he supposed to do now? He couldn't stay up for another five hours letting his thoughts attack him, let alone, could he let his dream world bombard him with nightmares. _Star gazing it is._

Waking up to the sound sound of a squeal, panic had ran through your veins before even realizing the tablet had been playing more Ewok videos. Feeling a pressure on your head, you gently slipped yours from under Poe's as the two of you had fallen asleep sitting up. "Poe...hey, Poe..." Carefully poking him in the chest as you stood up, Poe nearly jumped.

"BB-8?!" Blinking, his blurred vision only focused on that of you chuckling. "You're not BB-8..."

"I hope not...then that would be weird..." Shutting off the tablet and placing it on the coffee table, you pushed your hand through your slightly knotted hair as Poe stood up, stretching with a yawn.

"Sorry I feel asleep..." Rubbing his neck, you only swatted a hand. "As much as Ewoks are cute, they can be boring."

"Ah, sorry..." You smiled awkwardly, shoving your hands into the pockets of your sweats. "But thanks for sticking around, it meant a lot." Nodding your head, Poe only gave you a grin with a bow.

"Anything for you, hope you're feeling better..." 

"Oh, yeah, totally..." _Lie_. "I think I should get some real sleep, I'm sure Leia has informed my parents that I'm back so they'll probably barge in during the early hours of the morning..."

Furrowing his eyebrows, Poe nearly forgot how your parents hadn't seen you yet. "Right, right! Well, if you do see them, tell 'em I say hi." Making his way over to the door, you quietly followed. "They're good people, same for you brother, I haven't seen Ayden in the longest...you know, with what I do, it's kinda hard to see friends especially when there's a war going on." Letting the door slide open, Poe took a step out before turning to you. "It's glad to have you back, or at least see you again...I'm-..." Unsure if he should touch up on that topic, he shifted it, "I'm sorry about your home, always know you're welcomed here." Giving him a halfhearted smile, you nodded.

"Thanks, Poe. I'll take you up on that." Pulling him into one last hug, you took in a deep breath. "And thank you...for not freaking out on me. I'm sorry I had to tell you about Ben-- _Kylo_ \--in that way..."

Shutting his eyes, Poe only sighed the slightest. "Don't apologize, I rather you get that off your chest than keep it in. Your sanity is important." Gently pushing you back, he held onto your shoulders, "If you need anyone to talk to, remember you've got me, Finn, Rey, General Organa...and even BB-8." Laughing, Poe smiled. "Seriously, BB-8 is a good listener!"

"Maybe next time I have a breakdown I'll just speak to a really cute droid," You rolled your eyes playfully. "I'll see you around," Taking a step back into your room, you smiled, "Good night."

"Good night." Seeing the door shut, Poe let out a breath he had been holding in. It was clear to him that his hopes were _too_ high, after all, he waited too long. "Ah, gods..." Shaking his head, Poe made his way back over to his living quarters. Why would he fight for a girl whose heart's already been taken?

Realizing you still had Poe's jacket on, you quickly pushed the open button before rushing into the hall, seeing not a single sight of the pilot. "Damn..." Walking back inside, you kicked your shoes off along with the sweatpants, slipping on a pair of sleeping shorts before tossing yourself on the bed. Crossing your arms behind your head, you let out a breath; staring at the ceiling, you shut your eyes as you felt the images resurface before turning to your side and reopening them,  looking off into the night sky as your thoughts rounded back to Kylo. The stars gleamed so brightly, it almost made you jealous at how 'lively' they seemed, even if they were dying. 

Deep down in your heart, you had hoped he was fine. As much as he hurt you, for some reason, you just couldn't keep that malice in you. Because, at the end of the day, he did love you like no one else had--and you did love him like no one ever could.

He was troubled, you knew that, you _remembered_ that. He told you so much then, but not enough for you to realize what _exactly_  was going on with him. He hinted at it, you just didn't pick up on it. You felt foolish, _oblivious_ , if you weren't so love struck you were sure you would've stopped at nothing to prevent him from taking the path he was on now.

What if your younger self had noticed it? What if you were aware and actually did something about it? Would there be balance in the Force? Would Han still be alive? Would Luke be training a whole new generation of Jedi's as Ben had his own padawan? All the questions bombarded you and you couldn't help but feel guilty.

_It's my fault, I should have done something._

Sighing, you curled up into a ball as you felt your breath hitch. He was trying so hard to tell you but something in the back of his mind held him back. He was broken, he was lost, he was suffering and all along you were happy _out of your mind_ because Ben Solo loved you so much. 

Whispering into nothing, you felt a tear slip. "I'm sorry..." 

. . .

Getting lost in the stars, Kylo felt himself _almost_ at ease--or at least calmed down the slightest--that is until he felt a tug in the bond. Clutching onto his chest, his eyebrows furrowed, he could have sworn you somehow severed the invisible rope that held you two together. "Ren. Ren!" Hearing a bang on his door, his shock turned into annoyance as his head turned to where the sound was emitting. "Get up, we've received some intel."

Rolling his eyes, he didn't even bother changing as he trudged over to the door, flicking a wrist to let it slide open. "What is it, Hux?" He groaned, Hux only looking disgusted.

"You are _actually_ sleeping? What a surprise-"

"What is it, _Hux_?" Kylo repeated himself with a stern tone.

"They have found our new base, there is word they are planning an attack." Narrowing his eyebrows, for a mere second Kylo thought you had shared the information, but a piece of him knew you wouldn't do that--no matter what. "And they are planning it soon."

"Has the Supreme Leader spoke of any orders?" Kylo asked, turning around to slip on a shirt.

"Not quite yet-"

"Have you even told him?" Kylo looked over his shoulder before turning back around.

"Of course, Ren, I always tell him _first_."

Taking in a deep breath, he took a step forward. "Then I suggest you get your men ready for an attack, General, we do not want a StarKiller 2.0."

Slowly gulping, Hux nodded. "Of course not, wouldn't want a repeat of _your_ mistake." Feeling his eye twitch, Kylo let out a heavy sigh, choosing not to make a drastic move. "But, anywho, the Supreme Leader also requested for you." Turning on his heel, the General walked off, leaving Kylo with a heavy chest and clenched fists.

Turning around and hearing the door shut, his teeth began to grit. This was the _last_ thing he needed--yet _another_ battle. For all he knew the 'scavenger' had been training with his uncle and was ready for a round two, this time leaving with a bigger victory of cutting off Kylo's _hand_ , possibly. 

Tugging at his waves, the lights in his room began to flicker, hands clenching and unclenching as he rushed to his bathroom. Clutching onto the sink as he stared into the mirror--the bags under his eyes growing darker as his skin paled even more than he that to be possible--Kylo growled the slightest, he was _disgusted_ in himself. Without even thinking straight, Kylo's fist met that of the mirror, shards of glass piercing his now bloody knuckles as the blood dripped down his hand. 

Tightening his jaw, he fell back against the wall and slid down. If anyone had heard the loud crash they would have assumed it was yet _another_ tamper tantrum Kylo had. ~~Sadly~~ , it wasn't that, it was the overwhelming feeling of his world caving in on him, as if he couldn't keep up the walls any longer. It was tearing him a part in ways it hadn't before and he was afraid he couldn't save himself.

. . .

The environment felt foreign, the world around you being completely blurred out as the focus was set on yourself and Kylo. It must've been the same night he had first left you when he was Ben. By the way it was raining made it seem to be, but you weren't even in the same outfit as before--rather, in the one you had currently been in. "You've already moved on." Blinking, your eyebrows knitted as you looked up at him. "I thought the Force was lying to me, but it seems as if it were right."

"Of course not, I would-"

"You're wearing his jacket..." Looking down onto the material you had been clutching onto from the shivers rushing throughout your body, you shook your head as you quickly let go. "It hasn't even been a full day and you've already fallen for someone else," Eerily chuckling, your throat locked. "It felt like it's been centuries since I left you, maybe you feel the same, that's why you moved on."

"I-I didn't-"

"Don't lie to me, you know you never _really_ loved me. You loved me because you were young and foolish, you weren't thinking straight, you thought it was fun sneaking around. And look at you now, you've claimed to love me again, but is it out of pity? Do you _really_ love me? I can't even tell anymore, Y/N, it's _sad_." From behind the locks that dripped with the downpour, through the darkness you could see his eyes gleam with disgust. "Leaving you...it was something that had to be done, something that should have been done ages ago--I should have let you go when I wiped your memories-"

"Don't say that," You softly cried.

"Why not? It's not like you care. Poe, _he's_ the one. I know you like him, I saw how he always looked at you and you looked at him. Don't lie, you always preferred him over me." Kylo's nose flared as you continuously shook your head. "He would've been a better lover than myself, maybe even then you would have been happier."

"Kylo, please, I don't love Poe-"

"Funny thing is, as much as I hate to see you with him, I don't _even_ want you." Furrowing your eyebrows, Kylo turned around, "I could never love you the way you want, and you can never love me for me...like you said, I'm a monster-"

"That's not true!" You called out as he began fading into the darkness, you reaching out for him. "Kylo, please! Kylo, I don't want Poe!"

"We were never truly meant to be, Y/N." Looking over his shoulder, you could feel yourself being pulled away from him by an outside force. "What's done is done. There's no going back. Let me _go_."

"I-I don't want to let go! Please, don't go! I love you!"

Hearing an eager banging against the metallic door, you woke up in a puddle of tears as your bottom lip quivered, rubbing your eyes as you released a shaky breath. "Wh-who is it?" Sitting up, you only heard a mixture of voices come out, unable to decipher who was speaking. Forcing yourself off of the bed, you rubbed your eyes a bit more before realizing you had fallen asleep in poe's jacket, swiftly removing it and placing on the coffee table.

"Y/N! Y/N!" Opening the door, you were instantly engulfed into a hug, your mother crying into your shoulder as your father continuously kissed the top of your head. "Oh thank the stars, thank the stars! You're fine!" _As far as you know._ "We were so worried-"

"Is that why you left me home instead of taking me with you?" You bitterly asked, your parents taking a step back as they exchanged looks. "Look, I get it, you have your duties...but isn't your daughters life important, too?"

"I'm sorry, honey..." Your mother started. "We wanted to, but the moment we were alerted that the First Order had entered the planets atmosphere, we had to move out..."

Clenching your jaw, you rolled your eyes. "I could have _died_ in a fire if it wasn't for-" Cutting yourself off, your mouth closed as you looked away.

"Kylo Ren..." Your father finished, causing your eyes to shift over at him, only to turn your whole head. "I know, it is our fault you got captured...you don't understand how much it is eating us alive-"

"Well you don't understand the affect it had on me," Biting back the urge to wail out, you turned around and sat on the couch, digging your knuckles into your eyes. "You have no idea...the hell I went though..." Voice coming out as a whisper, you felt either side of the couch dip, you bit your inner cheek as you couldn't break down. Not again, not _now_. 

"I know an apology isn't enough, but that is why we're infiltrating the First Orders new base-"

"Wait, what?!" Standing up, your parents went wide eyed. "W-why?!"

"Y/N...they kidnapped you-"

"Th-that isn't a sufficient reason to break in to the enemies base!"

"Yes, we know, but we are at war and they have a lot of confidential information we need...now that we have Luke back and that Rey is his padawan, we need to rebuild the balance. Bring back the Jedi's. In order to do that, we need to know where these Force sensitive users are and to get to them first." Your mother calmly stated as you shook your head.

"Th-that's a suicide mission! Do you understand that this isn't going to be as easy as last time?! There is no Han Solo to help you bring down the shield, there is no one on our side who's been in that base before!" Gulping, you only remembered you had. 

"You have."

"No, we are not bringing her along," Your mother stated as she looked over at your father. "We are not risking our daughters life for this. It's enough Rey, Finn, and Poe are risking their lives yet again...we don't need her to be a part of this mess."

"I understand, but-"

"No. No means no. Y/N will stay here, I don't need her to go back there." Turning to look up at you, your mother stood up. "Do not worry-"

Feeling something suddenly snap an you, a sudden realization on how to make things _right_ , you instantly blurted out "I'll do it." Being thrown back at your sudden response, your father now stood up.

"No, you are not-"

"Dad's right, I'm the only one who has been in there. I may not know it inside and out, but I can somehow point you in the right direction." You stated quite truthfully, although you didn't really linger around enough.

"Are you sure?" Your father asked.

This was a major risk you were going to take and you knew it, but you had in mind made the task even more worth while. " _Positive_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As this story is reaching its end, I'd like to thank you all for supporting/reading it and leaving your lovely feedback. It means a whole lot knowing many of you are enjoying the crap I make. Again, thank you. xo


	25. XXIV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "...they were a r e m i n d e r that there still was good in the man you loved."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One last filler before the final arc...damn, can't believe it's almost done...

There was something about the morning sky being blended with that of the night sky that made the General at ease. Maybe it was sort of a reminder that she had defeated darkness once before, maybe it     was telling her that there's always hope--after all, she liked to remind others of that--but who really reminded her? Anyone in the Resistance and New Republic would say the General is one tough soul. She's gone through hell and back: lost her son to the dark side, lost her brother to exile, lost her husband to death, yet...here she was, being a brave and still doing what was _right_. No matter how fast her walls would crumble, there was always something there to rebuild it. That something being her brother and long lost niece, and now, you.

If there was one person in this galaxy who had loved you more than your own family, it was Leia Organa herself. She adored your lively soul, those bright eyes you once held--it was obvious you were trying your best to keep them even with the hell you had gone through. She admired that about you. You were strong, you were brave, you shined in the darkness...if there was anyone in the universe she'd want her son with, it would (without a doubt) be you.

Maybe that's exactly why she kept your little love affair a secret, aside from knowing you could've and still could save her son, maybe it was the fact that something about you made the woman think that you could be everything her son needed and wanted.

Maybe she desperately needed that outside force to bring back peace and hope, to bring love--quite similar to what her mother had done along with her belated husband--the outsiders always did it best.

It was a shame her son had to push you away.

What you two once had was pure and innocent in a sense, it was beautiful and sweet, so lovely that it made Leia so ecstatic--this was the _exact_ love Ben Solo needed in his life aside from his family. He needed someone to be there for him the way his parents could, someone to care for him, to give him love, to hold him close in his darkest hours. He needed _someone_.

And he _still_ did.

She could feel it, after all, a mothers instinct is strong.

She knew her son very well, she knew how he thought and acted, and she could still _feel_ his being linger in her own. He needed love, he need _your_ love, he need _you_. Because no matter what fear drove him, love would overcome all.

Shifting her eyes from the stars that faded away into the morning sky, a small smile played on her lips--what you had in store was smart in a sense, although you really didn't tell her, she could sense it. "Y/N, it's very brave of you to join your parents, along with the rest on this mission..." Turning around, she was greeted with you standing just in front of the door, hands behind your back as you had a whole new attire. "I just hope you know what you're doing."

Nodding your head the slightest, you took a few steps forward. "Of course, General. I wouldn't think it's smart to go head in to a battle I have no right being in, especially with the week I've had."

"You're quite the tough soul, Y/N, I admire that. But you know that being brave can be quite dangerous...I just need assurance that what you have in store is... _safe_." Blinking at her statement, your eyebrows lightly knitted. "You have all the right intentions, I know, but are they accurate? Are they going to bring you back home?"

Nodding, you gulped, "O-of course...yes, why wouldn't they be?" You questioned, Leia only taking enough steps to be directly parallel to you, softly getting a hold of your hands and wrapping them with her own.

"I know you very well, Y/N, more than you think. I may not be an expert with the Force, but I can tell what I'm feeling. And what I'm feeling...is hope, faith...it's running through your veins. You're anxious, of course you are, but you're driven. I'm afraid what you're going to do is very tricky and quite the suicide mission. But do you hold enough will to carry it out?" Leia squinted her eyes as your own slowly shifted off to the floor.

"I-" taking in a deep breath, you shook your head, "I'm unsure...I have the drive to, I know I want to do this..."

"You can do this, you will, don't let your doubt take over. This is what you want, this is what you're willing to risk...the question is, will you be successful?" Looking back over to her, you searched her eyes. "Just remember, never let fear or doubt discourage you, this is the necessary path. You may not see it, or want to believe it, but you are now in control of your own fate. And _I_ have faith you will make things right." Bowing her head a tad, you nodded in agreement. "I trust in you." Pulling you into a hug, Leia let out a heavy sigh before shutting her eyes. She had requested this once before but what the Force had in store wasn't what Leia had hoped, now it was up to you to see if you could bring freedom and light to the darkness that had consumed her sons soul. "Bring him home."

Her words echoed in you, bouncing off the imaginary walls as if it were on replay. The moment you two had let go of the hug and departed, you felt the anticipation surfacing. You were nervous, anxious, eager...it was making your stomach turn, but now that someone else had put their faith in you--and technically the universe, too--you gained that extra push you needed.

You'd be lying if you said you weren't scared. You were flat out _terrified_ , of course you were, who wouldn't be?

But this was love, you fought for it, you'd go through hell to protect it. After all, love conquered all.

Tugging on the sleeves of the plain black jacket, you took in deep breaths as you walked down the hall. Soon, you'd be leaving on a journey you'd only experience in your dreams. A neonatal nurse does not go about bringing balance to the Force, nor do they run around trying to protect true love, yet here you were, defying the odds.

Rolling your shoulders, you turned a corner before running in to Poe, a look of worry on his face. "You're actually doing this..." He breathed, as if he had been searching for you. "Y/N, please..."

"Poe...I need you to understand-"

"You love him, you still do..." Slightly tilting your head, Poe held onto your hand with a tight grip, "Your love is strong for him if it drives you to do something as drastic as this." Taking in a deep breath, he carried on, "I have no right to curve you off your path nor tell you what to do. But I will say this--do what you need to do."

"H-huh...? You're not...mad?"

Shaking his head, Poe slightly smiled. "How can I? Why would I want to destroy something as beautiful as love? Plus, I'll admit, I miss Ben...he was a good guy, a _great_ guy actually--minus his flaws, but who doesn't have? Ben was a friend of mine and it always hurts to lose those close to you to something as evil as the dark side." Lifting up your hand, he wrapped his other one around it. "That's why I'm believing in you, that no matter what on this mission, that you'll come out alive. I know your part is small, but there isn't a doubt that you'll see him, let alone, want to go to him. If you do..." Taking in another deep breath, Poe shut his eyes before reopening them, looking into your own. "Do what it takes to bring him home."

"O-of course..."

Instantly pulling you into a tight embrace, your eyes slightly widened. "Thank you...thank you for being the one." Furrowing your eyebrows, Poe let go and held onto your shoulders, giving you a reassuring nod before walking off.

Watching him go, you stood there in silence, could you really have been the one all along to bring the balance back? Wasn't that Reys part? Or was there a bigger picture and there were multiple parts to play, yours being the biggest?

"Y/N?" Turning around, Alastair came into view, you quickly rushing over and engulfing him into a rather tight hug. "Oh, hey, it's only been like a day..." He chuckled as you let go and gave his cheek a kiss.

"Yeah, and? It feels longer." Eyeing him with a grin, you couldn't help but feel happy for him, he seemed so much...radiant than he was before. "So...how do you like it?"

"Like?" He laughed. " I love it! Poe really wants to take me under his wing, make me a pilot." Alastair winked, causing your smile to widen.

"That's good to hear...I would love to see that."

"Yeah, me too. I gotta say, I'm grateful... _thankful_ that I've met you, I know it was the worst way, but hey...things happen for a reason, right?" Nodding your head in agreement, Alastair instantly reached into his pocket. "I almost forgot..." Handing you a rolled up paper, you furrowed your eyebrows.

"What's th-"

"It's a map of the new First Order base, I had taken it with me before we got forced onto that ship. I thought the Resistance might need it and now that I know they're headed for another battle, thought I'd chip in..." He shrugged as you got a hold of the map, opening to see it and nearly gasping.

"Alastair...this is perfect, thank you!" Pulling him into a quick hug, you took a step back and gawked at the blueprints.

"Don't thank me just yet." Swatting a hand, you only looked up as your rolled the paper and slipped it into the back pocket of your pants. "I think I was destined to be here...you know?" Eyeing his surroundings, he let out a content sigh, "It feels like home."

"I'm glad..." Following his gaze, you took it all in. Had you not really _looked_ at the place before? "I've got to get going, but I'll see you around, alright?" Patting his arm, Alastair smiled as he watched you walk off.

"Good luck! I know you can do this, I've got faith." Narrowing your eyebrows, you looked over your shoulders to see him with his thumbs up; how many people knew about you tagging along? And how many people had faith in _you_?

. . .

"Kylo Ren..." The ghostly voice spoke as he turned around, the darkness encircling his pale skin as his glum eyes met that of Kylo's helmet.

"Supreme Leader Snoke." He simply greeted, standing across the man as he took deep--yet low--breaths.

"It has occurred to me that the Resistance are planning yet another attack...do you know what this means?" Bowing his head, the Supreme Leader continued on. "There is, without a doubt, that the scavenger will come back, this time trained and with your uncle--and they will come for _you_. The question is, are you prepared? Mentally _and_ physically. After your last battle, it took quite the tear in you, especially after killing your fa-" Quietly clearing his throat, Snoke slightly titled his head. "It seems as if your internal battle has yet come to an end, Kylo Ren. Was killing your father not enough?"

Feeling the chills run down his spine, Kylo shut his eyes behind his helmet as the images of him killing his _own_ father surfaced--if anything, he was struggling even _more_ after killing Han. It made him _weaker_. And now that you were back in his life, well, gone once again after his betrayal, it was safe to admit that Kylo's internal battle was _far_ from being over. "Of course it was." _Lie_.

Taking slow steps, the Supreme Leader danced around his own words, voice dripping with venom. "I sense such great conflict in you. Tell me, why is it that you were missing for two days?" Quietly gulping, Kylo took in a deep breath. "Why is it that Captain Phasma and two of her men had disappeared?"

"No particular reason, Supreme Leader, there were minor missions to complete-"

"And that involved visiting a remote planet in the outer rim? Along with Jakku?" How had he known? The real question was, did Snoke know about the _whole_ picture? Did he know about _you_? After all, the main reason why Kylo left you behind was because he _never_ wanted Snoke to know about you. "Tell me, was it about the young woman you had brought on board last week?"

"Of course not, Supreme Leader, she is nothing." _Another lie._  "Like I said, a minor mission, a raid...there had been word about a few Force users but it had been a trap. It was foolish of myself to have gone a long, Captain Phasma and her two men only went to...rescue me." He said with disappointment, it wasn't like he was fully lying.

Humming, the Supreme Leader took a seat on his thorne. "Then you shall see that it will never happen again, Kylo Ren." Snoke stated, lying his elbow on the arm rest as his elongated index finger lied under his chin. "I do not need your personal needs nor your _foolish_ actions to influence your movements, moving you off of your course that is becoming more powerful."

"Yes, it will never happen again." Kylo bowed his head, "All that matters right now is the completion of my training, Supreme Leader."

"Good. Then see to it that you will kill anyone who falls into your path on this new battle. Prove to me that you are still worthy, that you will defeat Luke Skywalker and that scavenger once and for all." Nodding his head, the Supreme Leader waved his hand dismissively, Kylo turning around before only being called out to. "Kylo Ren..."

Looking over his shoulder, he felt his body tense up. "Yes, Supreme Leader?"

"I trust that there will be nothing in your way of your goals, yes? I wouldn't want to have to step into action."

Looking over his shoulder, Kylo's head dipped as he then turned it back ahead of him. "Yes."

. . .

"Y/N? Where in the galaxy is Y/N?" Rey frantically spoke, looking around the outside surrounding of the Millennium Falcon. "Y/N?!"

"I'm here, i'm here!" You waved a hand, your parents standing next to your fathers x-wing as Finn and Chewie stood just outside the ramp of the Falcon. "Sorry, I ran into Poe and Alastair...are we ready?" Coming to a stop in front of her as you let out a breath, Rey nodded.

"You get us in there and tell us where to go, then you return to the Falcon, alright?" Rey pointed a finger as you sighed. "Right?"

"Yes, yes...I know...I can't believe you think I'm safer staying inside the ship rather than join you," Turning on your heel, you walked past Finn and Chewie as you waved to your parents before hauling up the ramp. "But if thats what you believe is right, then alright, I'll entertain myself with dejarik...no big deal," You shrugged as Rey rolled her eyes, following you behind as Finn and Chewie followed along.

"Alright," Taking her spot on the pilot seat as Chewie sat next to her on the copilot one, Finn and yourself sat in the back. "Let's do this..."

"Wait, where's Luke?" You curiously asked, seeing no sign of the man.

"He will be arriving shortly after us, he has put his full faith in me to carry out the mission." Rey simply stated as she maneuvered around the panel. "And I will not let him down." Looking over to Finn, he slightly shrugged.

"I wouldn't doubt her. She did it once before without any experience, and now that she has some...well, I can only imagine." 

"Buckle up, we're in for a ride."

. . .

Finn must've sensed your uneasiness, trying his best to entertain you with stories of what he had experienced back when training to be a trooper--luckily, he was smart enough to share only the funny ones which only gave you a different intake on the stormtroopers. They were human, not clones, but _humans_...they were taken when they were young and raised to fight, but still, they were _human_. They had emotions, they felt like everyone else had, their armor was a simple metaphor that the only thing they all had common was that their freedom was taken away for them to fight.

Which only made you wonder...were there more out there like Finn? When you two had first met he had told you about his whole story, about him not always feeling in place and that there was always something in him screaming for him to do what was right. It just took him a good twenty three years to act upon it.

And yet, here he was, doing what was right. He made his way out, he found his place in the vast galaxy, which only brought you more hope--if Finn could do something as drastic as disobey the First Order then you could bring Kylo to his right senses. After all, there was no such thing as impossible in the world you lived in, the people you had surrounded yourself with had proved that statement right.

Finn was one who defied all causes, doing what he wanted because it was 'the right thing to do'. Rey had held hope for nineteen years of her life and never gave up, and look where that ended her. Then there was Alastair, he had lived a life doing whatever it took to survive, following the wrong people until he realized that he was meant for more--and now he found his place with the Resistance.

Hope was big, it was found everywhere around you, you just needed to find it in yourself to hold on to it and never let go.

Gently brushing your thumb across the gauze on your palm, you moved your hand over to your hip--they weren't just wounds, they were reminders that you could and will survive--and they were a reminder that there still was good in the man you loved. "Are you alright?" Finn curiously asked as a comfortable silence had fallen between the two of you, you looking up and over at him as you gave him a small smile. 

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Perfect, 'cause we're about to land. You think you're ready?"

Standing up along side him, you took in a deep breath; things were about to change for better or worse from this point on. "As ready as I'll ever be."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU ALL FOR ENJOYING! CANT BELIEVE THIS FIC HAS ABOUT 6 CHAPTERS LEFT, WOW!


	26. XXV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I would do a n y t h i n g to keep you breathing."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be honest, this was one of my fav parts of the whole series (so far)...so emotional, i'm gonna go cry...c u!

The sound of Kylo's boots stomping against the cold metal ground of the First Order's new base gave off a warning to those in a nearby radius. It was obvious he was one of _those_ moods, each time his strides were rather swift and miscalculated, with the fact he had balled fists and a slight hunch in his back was a dead giveaway that something was wrong. Ever since his return, he hadn't spoken a single word to Phasma nor Hux--aside from that slight interaction early. Hux was well aware of Kylo's change in demeanor, along with the fact that he had _actually_ been in his quarters for longer than an hour like he usually had. There was something up and Hux was afraid it had been about _that girl_ , Kylo had only feared that maybe the General was the reason why Snoke had sensed something off about Kylo. After all, not even the Supreme Leader could read his own pupil _that_ easily.

Feeling a shift in the Force, Kylo took a complete stop before his head wiped in the opposite direction. It felt oh too familiar, although it was multiple Forces being felt at once, one screamed out the most. "Commander." Snapping his head back, the Stormtrooper kept his posture straight although slightly flinching. "There has been word that a CEC YT-1300 light freighter has entered the planets atmosphere, it is the same ship as before."

"Has it landed?" Trying to keep his calm, Kylo took in heavy breaths.

"I am afraid so, Commander."

"See to it that Captain Phasma and a group of her men check out the ship, there is a high chance we have Resistance members already roaming our grounds." Giving Kylo a nod, the stormtrooper rushed off. "Millennium Falcon..." Turning on a heel, Kylo rushed off--a new battle was about to erupt.

"Alright, do you understand how to shoot it?" Rey asked you as you held the small blaster in your grip, nodding your head as you aimed it into the distance, shutting an eye and biting your tongue. "Okay, not like that-"

"Yeah, yeah...I get it, my dad has taught me a good dozen of times..." Stuffing the blaster into the holster that was wrapped around your waist, Rey let out a deep sigh. "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine," you reassured Rey a handful of times by now.

"I hope so...let's just get you in and out, okay? Chewie, Finn and I will carry out the rest of the mission-"

"While I stay locked up in the Falcon, I get it, but don't you think the troopers will find me?" You asked as the four of you had made your way over to the base and away from the ship. "I mean-"

"Y/N, we already told you what to do and where to hide if worse comes to worse...don't worry, you'll be much more safer in there than out here. Trust me, we will be back in no time, we just have to hurry up and get in first." Quickening up their paces, you tried to catch along.

"I'm trying, I'm trying..." Letting out a huff, you four came to a stop as the base came into view. "Wow...was the original base this big?"

"Quite smaller, actually...it makes the old one look like a mere toy...it's freighting. But it's nothing we can't handle, right guys?" Looking over to Finn and Chewie, they agreed. "Good...let's save the galaxy."

The anxiety was eating you alive, every step you took added more and more to your panic. You weren't sure what you were fearing, death or failure. Both were flat out terrifying, but you weren't sure which was worse. One you'd have to live with while the other, well, others would have to suffer with. But that wasn't the only thing itching at your skin.

What if Kylo _didn't_ want to see you? What if he had rid you from him for a particular reason that involved him completely falling into the dark side. There were so many _what ifs_ clouding your mind, you couldn't possibly think straight. For all you know, Kylo had purposely projected that dream into your mind rather than your subconscious trying to tell you something.

There went that lump in your throat.

"Alright, Y/N, do you think you can handle it from here?" Rey asked as you gave the area a look, a sense of familiarity rising as you turned over to her.

"We're in the north sector, not so far from their living quarters, which means the command center is quite close." You stated, then pointing out, you had actually studied the map during your walk over to the hangar earlier. "To the left it should be."

Giving Chewie a nod, he rounded a corner and instantly knocked out a lone trooper. "Do they not guard their grounds with more than one trooper?" Finn asked as your eyebrows knitted. Last time you were here, they had a pair guarding the same doors you had came in.

"Apparently not..." Stepping over to the trooper, you removed his helmet and tossed it to Finn. "I think our best bet is that you find another troop and see exactly where their files are kept, or at least give us a general idea as to where they keep important information..."

Nudging her head, Chewie dragged the unconscious body towards a wall, Finn removing the armor and placing it on himself. "Good idea, though I didn't imagine I'd be in one of these again..."

"Y/N, do you remember anything else?" Rey asked.

"These halls were guarded...but not heavily, so it shouldn't be a hassle..."

"Alright, Finn, act like Chewie is your inmate, I'll keep you on the comlink." Nodding his head, Finn slipped on the helmet and got a hold of Chewies arm as he aimed the blaster towards him before apologizing as the two walked off. "And you..." Rey pointed, "You need to-"

"I have something to do."

"What?" Arching an eyebrow, you took a step back. "Y/N, this isn't the time to play games-"

"Rey, this is a serious matter-"

"Y/N, if you're hoping to get payback, now is not the time!"

"That isn't it. I have something I need to get done."

"General Organa entrusted that I keep you safe, I can't have you running around. Definitely not here and not now."

"And General Organa entrusted that I carry out this one man mission." Narrowing her eyebrows, Reys mouth shut. "I'm not seeking revenge, I'm doing what Han wasn't able to do."

"What are you talking about?"

"Han was never really meant to bring Kylo back from the darkness and into the light, the hate was already too strong in the man...there was no way Han could have saved him."

"Of course not, Kylo is a mon-"

"Kylo needs to be saved from his own destruction."

"This is the same man who k-"

" _Saved_ _me_. You wouldn't understand, it's a long story I clearly don't have time to tell. We are talking about Leia's son, and you know no matter what that she loves him. You love your General, of course. Wouldn't you want her to be happy?"

"Yes, anything to keep her smiling, but that doesn't mean you should risk your life trying to save a man who doesn't want to be saved."

"That's where you're wrong." Taking in a deep breath, you looked down at your chest where the necklace hung. "Leia sees it, _I_ see it, there's still good in him-"

"But how do you know all of this?"

"Kylo.... _Ben_ and I have...history. I know him, after all, he saved me from the fire." Staring at you with disbelief, you took another step back. "It's a suicide mission, I'm aware of that, but I will stop at nothing to protect this galaxies fate. I will sacrifice my soul in order for there to be balance once again. I will _die_ for there to be peace."

"Nonsense, Y/N! You can't risk your life for a man like Kylo Ren!" Rey shouted as she shook her head.

"I _will_ risk my life to do what's right. I may not be a Jedi, nor may I be a war hero, but I've come to realize that at this point...at this point this _needs_ to be done." Ready to turn around, Rey swiftly got a hold of your arm and pulled you back.

"I can't let you do-"

"Do you trust me?" Looking into her eyes, Reys searched your own.

"Of course I do."

"Then believe that I will bring him back-"

"But you could die trying! We don't need that, I don't need that!" Pointing to herself with her free hand,  you gently removing her grip as you held your head high. 

"I will not die, Kylo Ren won't kill me."

Taking a step back, Rey narrowed her eyes in confusion. "How are you so sure about this?"

"Take this," Slipping out the map from your pocket, you grabbed onto Reys hand and lied it in her palm. "Have it as your advantage; you take your part in bringing back balance while I do mine."

"Y/N, how are you so sure he won't kill you?!" She repeated as you had already turned on your heel.

"Because..." Taking in a deep breath as you tucked in the necklace into your long-sleeved tee, you looked over your shoulder. "Because he loves me."

Standing there in awe, Rey blinked. For some reason, for some _strange_ reason, it made sense. But a part of her refused to believe it, why would Kylo love _you_? Let alone, why would he even _feel_ love?

But there was something in Rey that told her you were right and she couldn't seem to fight against it. After all, you were already long gone before she could make sense of the situation. _Kylo loves Y/N...?_

Your feet were moving as fast as your heart was racing. There was no doubt Rey was still standing there in shock, you simply dropped the news on her as if it were nothing. You felt terrible, you didn't even give her an explanation, but with that expression on her face as you gave her one last look, you already knew something was clicking in her mind.

Rushing down the hall, you heard a group of footsteps coming your way before you hid behind a wall, shutting your eyes as you took in a deep breath, hand subconsciously lying on your chest, just above the crystal that lied underneath the soft material of your shirt. _I can do this. I can do this_. Opening up your eyes, you watched as the troopers marched by before rounding a corner. _I can do this_. You weren't exactly sure as to where you were going, but your feet seemed to have known just as to where your destination was.

Not realizing the path he had been taking, Kylo took his rather long strides down the corridor as he felt his heart pounding against his chest harshly. Why was he feeling _this_ anxious? Why was there an anticipation building up in him? Had he been naturally walking himself into his next match?

_No_.

Then what was it? Where _exactly_ was he going?

He could feel a tug in his heart, his stomach turning as his body slightly trembled. There was a sense of familiarity, a sense of warmth running through his veins. Was there a possibility it was you? That couldn't be it, it wouldn't make sense. Although he had felt something last night, it could have been falsely understood. For all he knew, you loathed his guts once again, why would you risk your life to sneak onto the base just to find him?

His heart was calling to you, he knew it deep down inside that you were there, he felt it in the Force, he felt it in the _bond_ , but did he want to believe it? He was afraid, he knew the outcome of this wouldn't be as lovely as he'd hoped. There was never a good outcome when something _good_ happened to Kylo Ren.

Constantly taking in your surroundings as you felt the heat pool up in your stomach, you could sense the closeness of _something_. Your heart was fluttering with such passion, it was driving you _insane_. This path was unfamiliar to you, but your senses made it out to be as if you had walked it before. _For him._

Hearing heavy footsteps coming from the opposite direction, your heart came to a sudden stop as you froze. It was as if the Force was screaming at you. No, it was the bond, it was as if two worlds were about to collide. Your body was shaking; was it in fear or anticipation? Whatever it was, it was building up in your throat, it was causing the hairs on your arms to rise, it was making the chills roll down your spine.

On Kylos end, he had done the same. There was something tugging at his chest, his heart pounding ever so rapidly as his fingers twitched as if he could _feel_ you. Just before turning the corner, he stood still. 

Something was holding him back.

_Y/N._

Something was holding _you_ back.

_Kylo._

Shutting your eyes as you took one last deep breath, you were about to make a sudden move until an alarm blared out while flashing red lights appeared in the now dim halls.  Just what you needed.

Panicking, you frantically looked around as you were afraid that someone had found you--or worse--the trio. Gulping, you were only engulfed into someone's hold as you were pulled into a room.

Reaching for your blaster as you were shoved against the wall of the rather compact room, you instantly stopped yourself as your eyes landed on the familiar helmet. "Kylo-"

"Why are you here?!" He eagerly shouted, grip tightening around your upper arms as your chest began to heave faster.

Shaking your head, your bottom lip began to quiver as the tears you hadn't realized you'd been holding back slipped as you shut your eyes. "Why would you leave me?!" You asked, eyes shooting open. "Why would you leave me like that?!" Slamming your palms against his chest, you cried out. "Don't you understand that I love you, Kylo? No matter what!"

Swallowing, Kylo swiftly got a hold of your hands into his leather covered pair, preventing you from striking him again.

"All I want to do is love you, love you more than I ever could." Your voice faltered, slight change in tone with every hitch in your breath. "Is that not enough? Is my love not good enough?"

Biting down, Kylo blinked hard as he held tightly onto your smaller hands. He couldn't say anything, what was he supposed to say? 'Oh, yeah, I left you on a desert planet because I'm fucking scared that my mentor will find out about you and slaughter you because you bring me love and joy'? That would only scare you away. Or so Kylo assumed.

Shaking your hands from within his grip, you shoved his away before reaching up to remove his helmet. "Say something, you jerk!"

Nearly dropping the helmet, you gawked at his appearance. He looked more broken than ever, as if his eyes were about to cave in while his skin was going to grow transparent. He looked miserable, he looked... _dead_.

"Kylo..." Your features softened, his helmet leaving your grip as your bare hands held onto his cheeks. "Kylo, what..." Unable to form a sentence, you only focused on his eyes as his did the same to yours. A slight furrow in your eyebrows as your anger morphed into worry.

The sight of him hurt you, had the separation triggered this? Or had this been building up in him and the distance only quickened the process? "I-" Trying to speak, Kylo only clenched his jaw shut. Pulling him in, your arms wrapped rather tightly around his neck as you released a shaky breath, Kylo only falling to his knees as his arms wrapped around your waist.

"Why would you allow this to happen? Why...why-" You whispered as you shook your head, your voice cracking as you whimpered. "I never would have wanted this to happen to you." Clutching onto a fistful of his hair, you only fell to your own knees as you buried your face into the crook of his neck, tears staining that of his turtle necks material.

"I wanted to protect you..." He spoke as his gaze was set on the wall behind you. "I _had_ to protect you, at all causes. He mustn't know about you."

"He?"

"The Supreme Leader...if he knew about you...he-he would have made me kill you." Gritting his teeth, Kylo was now the one latching onto the back of your hair. "I couldn't have that, I would _never_ do that...it was enough that he influenced me in such menacing way to kill my _own_ father. I'd be lying if I said killing him didn't tear me apart even more. It broke me, the sight of seeing my father reach out to my face for one last touch before falling into the abyss...it didn't give me strength, it only destroyed me even more than I already was." Snaking his arm more tightly around your waist, he breathed, "I'm tearing myself apart...I'm dying from the inside out-"

Shaking your head, you held tighter. "No, no I won't let that happen."

"I'm lost...I'm so lost...I don't know what to do anymore..." Kylo choked, eyes shifting up to the ceiling.

Pushing yourself off of him, your thumbs rubbed against his cheeks as you wiped his now trickling tears. "You've found me, you have me...Kylo, I can help you-"

"No, if you help me you will only die-"

"Kylo, I will do anything to-"

Shaking his head, he held onto your wrists. "I can't have that. You do not understand, I can't let the Supreme Leader have you...I can't lose you...not _again_. Not for good."

"So you rather I lose you? You rather I lose the man I love? Kylo, you're slowly killing yourself! I-I can't watch! No-not again! I refuse to, especially when I can help you!" Gently pushing your hands down, he was now the one rubbing your tears away as you let out shaky breaths.

"I would sell my soul in order for you to live on." Kylo admitted, looking deep into your eyes. "I would do _anything_ to keep you breathing."

"W-why? Why would you do that? I-I don't want to lose you, not anymore...I can't bare the pain any longer..." Shaking your head, Kylos hands lied at the edges of your jawline, fingers tangled in your hair as he kept you steady, leaning in the slightest.

"Because..." Taking in a deep breath, he shut his eyes as he lied his forehead against your own, "I love you _that_ much."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you feel the end coming?


	27. XXVI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "C a r e f u l, Ren..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let all hell break lose!

Kylo Ren was in such great turmoil, this time period of his life only turning to worse, he could feel his inner conflict becoming more prominent--the light was shinning bright in him--had Snoke noticed this early on before he had ran into you? Kylo's heart, without a doubt, was beating for you and _only_ you. You made him feel such way that he couldn't _possibly_ seem to describe. If heaven were real, your embrace--your _existence_ \--must've been it. How could a demon like himself experience something so devine in his life? He knew for a fact that he _didn't_ deserve it.

But here you were, standing in front of him in all your glory, heart racing faster than ever as your eyes stayed locked on his own. You loved him, it was _obvious_ , why else would you risk your life walking alone in the halls of the 'enemies' base? At the time it didn't matter, if you had gotten caught, Kylo would've eventually found you. But that would've meant Hux would've known about your return...and you knew very well Hux did not want your _sorry_ soul around the commander.

Gulping at his words, your heart fluttered even more. It was sincere, you knew it, by the sound of his voice shaking and the way his eyes watered, you knew it to be true. Kylo Ren _did_ love you. He did all this for you--he saved you from the fire, took you in, tried giving you a home at his side...but even when he _tried_ doing some good, something came in the way--your fear and hate. But then you got kidnapped, you were terrified, and you were stuck in a terrible situation. So much happened when he tried saving you, he died right in front of your eyes...yet, he _somehow_ came back to life and saved you from the hands of death. The love was growing back, it was pure and it was real, but his dark reality struck and it all went to ruins. He left you on Jakku with Alastair, you were furious,  you felt as if he had abandoned you. If only you had put two and two together to realize he had been saving you from his worse fears.

And that worse fear was your death, your blood in his hands because he would blame himself for you dying from Snokes deadly touch.

He couldn't lose you, he wouldn't dare allow that to happen, not in this lifetime, and definitely not in any other.

Kylo Ren had loved you _that_ much.

But that fear was still in him, as much as his body craved your touch, your affection, to hear your soothing voice bring him at ease, the darkness in him mocked him.

It hissed at him, telling him that he'd only kill you with the life he had, reminding him of why it was you had forgotten him in the first place.

But the light was tugging at his heart, telling him to fight for his desires, for the love he felt for you, to fight for the minuscule amount of good that lingered in him. It told him to hold onto you, to never let go. This was his third chance at it, and the light gave him this extra opportunity. Would there be a fourth chance if he let you go _this_ time? Fate was clearly at play in here, or maybe it was the undying love you two shared. Either way, something brought you two back together each and every time and it was up to Kylo to protect it and make it last for all eternity.

Gazing down at your smaller frame as he felt the tears beginning to pool up in his eyes, your hand suddenly caught his attention as you reached into your shirt and pulled out the thin necklace.

There was an instant sting of nostalgia that was felt throughout Kylos heart. The crystal, the angel pendant, the necklace...the _note_ he had left behind with it. How had you found it? He was sure to have kept it well hidden in his room. _Mother_.

"I-I know you do...I knew all along, or-or at least I felt it in the back of my mind." Taking in a deep breath your fingers fiddled with the dangling pieces. "Your...your mother gave me this. She told me it was supposed to be your anniversary gift to me..." Smiling, you felt a sudden tear slip as you gazed at the crystal. "I just wish you had given it to me sooner..."

Blinking, his hand delicately held onto your own, thumb rubbing against the angel pendant, feeling as if it were yesterday he had gotten it. "I never had the guts to...I feared if I had given you this, that it would have driven you away..." Kylo admitted, eyes focused on the necklace. "I feared a lot, and I still do...I feared I'd lose you for not being good enough. I never felt good enough for you. I always thought you deserved better...not just some kid with the Force and a lightsaber...maybe someone who was dedicated to doing good, someone who was well round and loved by everyone...someone like-"

"I don't want that," You intervened. "I-I don't want someone who is too caught up in their work, I want someone who would have time for me and our love. I don't want a well rounded man, I don't mind the flaws, flaws give me more of a reason to love them...to protect them from themselves. I don't want anyone who is loved by everyone, why would I? I'd be sharing them with the whole galaxy. I want someone who I can help fix, someone to hold onto, someone to cry to and laugh to...I want someone who is complex, someone who contrasts me in any way. I want someone different, I want someone who will love me with all their heart and wouldn't have to say it because I could feel it." Interlocking your fingers with his own as you felt the necklace fall back onto your chest, your eyes shifted back up to his own. "I want _you_. You and _only_ you. Nothing more, nothing less." Taking in a deep breath, your voice had grown softer with every word spoken.

Kylos eyes had searched your own, for any signs of it being a lie, that you truly wanted a man --torn up, broken, unstable--as him. But the fear of you lying was never found, he could see the truth, he could feel the love flow through your veins and into his own. This was so foreign, so new. What you two had then was innocent, it was quite childish, but what you had now...it was a whole new level and it took Kylos breath away.

How could a man, a  ~~ monster ~~ such as himself, be so lucky?

Shutting his eyes, he could feel the tranquility linger throughout the air. It wasn't for long, nor was it enough to keep his entire being calm forever, but it was enough for him to enjoy the moment without a worry. Gently placing his hand at the back of your neck, he bent forward the slightest, a sudden pause in between the movement as his lips lingered above your own, "Thank you."

Feeling his breath tingle at the skin of your lips, the sudden pressure felt against them caused your heart to race once again. Shutting your eyes at the feeling of the euphoria running through your soul, causing the goosebumps to rise, you smiled. There may be hell waiting for you out the door, but at that very moment, the room was your heaven.

Slipping your hand from his own, your arms instantly wrapped around his neck, his now free hand being placed on the small of your back as he brought you closer while his other got tangled in that of your short locks--this was what he _wanted_ , this was the kind of love he _needed_ to keep him the slightest of sane. "I love you..."

Grinning against the kiss, you felt your cheeks heat up. "I love you, too." Connecting your lips with his once again, the sound of the door being slammed open caused your heart to pop out of your chest, head snapping in its direction as Kylo suddenly felt a very _unpleasant_ turn of his stomach. "How foolish are you, Ren?" The seething voice of the General caused your own stomach to turn. The rage in his piercing blue eyes that now shot over at you made you nauseous, the pure hatred being reflected off of them as it felt he had been staring right through your soul. "We are in the middle of a war and here you are, making out with some scum?" Feeling Kylo tense up as he took a step in front of you, you quickly latched onto his arm and shook your head.

"What I do on my own is none of your business, Hux." Kylo seethed, voiced dripping with venom as you could feel the anger radiate off of him. Something so beautiful was happening, why did the General have to come in and destroy it?

"You are falling on the wrong path, you are letting this _girl_ into your mind too easily, she is influencing you in all the wrong ways and you know it." Hux snapped, causing Kylos teeth to grit as you stood there with a deadly grip on Kylo. You were shaking by now, there was easily a handful of stormtroopers behind the General with blisters held tightly in their grip--for all you knew, your life was on the line.

"She has nothing to do with the path I am taking." Kylo spoke through clenched teeth, trying his best not to explode--not with you there right beside him.

"Supreme Leader Snoke is worried," Hux placed his hands behind his back while crossing his arms. "That you are slipping into the light..." Slightly furrowing his eyebrows, Hux only fought a smile. "All because of her." Looking back over to you with a devilish smirk, you instantly felt your heart sink...and so did Kylo.

He was sure the Supreme Leader hadn't known about you, let alone your existence, Kylo hid it well enough from the man...so how else had he known? Ready to lunge forward, Kylo barked "You told him?!"

Sighing, Hux shook his head. "I feared there was no other way-"

"How dare you?!" Holding Kylo back from doing anything drastic, the General didn't even bother to flinch.

"I saw her roaming the halls, I chose not to acknowledge it...I knew she was searching for you, why else would she be so stupid-" Flinching at the word, Kylos jaw tightened, "to walk around the base?"

"You had no right to tell the Supreme Leader!"

"You had no right to bring her in the first place!" The ginger snapped. "If you hadn't saved her, we would not be in this mess right now! We would not have to worry about our Commander going rogue on us in any given minute!" Biting back the rage in him, you only felt yourself tremble more and more as the fear and anxiety coursed through you.

The man had told the Supreme Leader about you, he brought your existence to Snokes attention, he even went as far to share your affiliation with him. Love was forbidden, any sort of interaction or affection was wrong. Kylo Ren out of all people shouldn't know how it feels to have someone make his heart flutter nor have the desire to protect unless it was the name of the First Order. It was obvious how doomed you now we're.

And it was obvious that Kylos instincts were right--something wrong was going to happen and he was afraid to find out what exactly. "You have orders, you have a role to play in this war--protect the base."

Glaring at the general, heavy pants were heard from Kylo. He couldn't do anything stupid, not now, for all he knew your life was at stake and with any sudden movement, you'd be dead.

"And it seems as if you have your own battle to fight with that of Luke Skywalker," The general simply stated, waving a hand for the troopers to walk in.

Knitting his eyebrows, the troopers instantly ripped your grip off of Kylo, only for him to snap and reach for his lightsaber.

"Nuh-uh-uh..." Hux waved a finger, "I don't think you'd be foolish enough to kill one of my men when they hold your woman...especially when her life is now in the hands of the Supreme Leader." Growing wide eyed, Kylos hold around his lightsaber grew tighter.

"What do you mean?! Where are you taking her?!" Kylo demanded as you stood there, shaking violently as your throat had locked. You had never been this frightened in your life. "Answer me!" Igniting his lightsaber and aiming it towards the General, Hux nearly gulping as you gasped.

"Careful, Ren...you kill me, you kill her."

Shaking your head, you cried out. "Kylo, please..."

Snapping his head in your direction, he felt his heart snap. This was his fault, he knew it, all of it-- _everything_ \--it was on his name. "Listen to her, Ren. You take care of this war while I take care of her."

"You dare lay a finger-"

"Oh, I won't be harming her in anyway, you have my word...I can't say the same for the Supreme Leader..." Waving his hand again, the stormtroopers dragged you out.

"Y/N!" He called out, ready to free you from their hold, that is until Hux stood in the way with a hand up. "What is he going to do to her?! Tell me, Hux! What does he have planned?!" Looking over the mans shoulder, Kylos heart shattered more into microscopic pieces. "TELL ME!" He roared, watching your fearful eyes stare into his own as you watched from over your shoulder. "Y/N!"

"Kylo!" Thrashing around, you only felt your body grow weak.

"No...no!" Deactivating his lightsaber, Kylo shoved passed Hux and ran into the hall, seeing your frame being nearly dragged as you had grown numb. You couldn't move a single muscle, you were frozen, and what was worse was the feeling of something-- _someone_ \--forcing you to keep your mouth shut. "Y/N!" Feeling the veins nearly burst in his neck, Kylo knew he couldn't run to you, he couldn't save you. It was too late.

Snoke already had his hold around you, and it was deadly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's unbelievable how close we are to the end of Soul Mate...makes my heart sad. I truly enjoyed writing this lil love/angst story and I hope you all enjoyed reading it! Thank you for the support, you all have a spot in my heart :)


	28. XXVII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Why m e?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brace yourselves (and hearts)

There was a sense of darkness around you, the feeling of someone's grip being replaced with that of something mechanical. Your body was aching, it had felt so stiff as if it had been stuck in the same position for hours on end. Were you still alive? Or was this some sort of state in between life and death. Fluttering your eyes open, you were greeted by more darkness...except a vast room that had a throne towards the center, a single light shinning down from above being illuminated by the moon.

Your mind was all over the place--where were you? Where was Kylo? How was the group even doing? Had the war been over? Or was it still going on outside...that is if you were still alive and still on the base. "You're awake..." The sound of a menacing voice brought chills down your spine, you were afraid. Without a doubt, you grew to know where you were. It was a lair. Snoke's lair. "Good. I've been waiting."

Shifting in your spot, you only realized you were stuck in a seated position, arms being locked on the arm wrests and ankles were tied against the legs of the chair. "Where am I?" You questioned, although you knew the answer.

"I think you already know where you are, Y/N." Feeling your skin crawl at the sound of his voice speaking your name, you gulped. "No need to worry, we are still on the base. And you are still alive."

"Why am I h-here?" You stuttered the slightest, watching the dark figure roam in the shadows.

"I think you know the answer to that, too." Swallowing the lump in your throat that didn't seem to want to go away, your eyebrows scrunched up. "You...you are a severe, what should I simply call it, _distraction_ to my apprentice. You are getting in the way, blocking him of his rightful path-"

"His rightful path is returning home to his family and to the light-"

"Hush!" His voice boomed, an instant tug on your tongue as you couldn't seem to form anymore words. "He belongs to the dark side, that's where he was always meant to be...to follow his grandfathers footsteps, to be a great leader...to take my place in the future." Shaking your head, Snoke continued speaking from within the darkness. "Kylo Ren is meant to have great power, to guide the First Order to the path that is crushing the Resistance and ruling the galaxy. There will be no balance. All there will be is darkness."

Hearing your heart beat in your ears, you shut your eyes as you felt the tears resurface. This wasn't meant to happen, everyone had put their faith in you--Leia specifically--and now you were going to fail her and join Han.

"You do not seem to understand that what you have with Kylo Ren is nothing but mere... _child's play_. It is of your imagination. Kylo Ren could never love, nor could he ever truly feel adoration for you. Kylo Ren is a void, he is filled with darkness and ruled by his hate and anger. A woman like you couldn't possibly love a man like him, let alone, survive at his side. He would kill you, he will glide that lightsaber across your chest and watch the blood ooze, he will pierce through that childish heart of yours. Kylo Ren is a monstrous killer, he is no lover."

Tightening your eyes, your eyebrows furrowed even more. He was feeding you lies, nothing but lies, he wanted you to fear Kylo. But you couldn't, you _wouldn't_. Why was he trying so hard? Was he afraid that your love would overpower the darkness?

"He would bathe his hands in your blood, add you on to the pile of ashes that is his fallen enemies. You must be foolish enough to believe Kylo Ren could give you everything you've ever wanted...after all, he is the reason why your house burned. He is the reason why his father died. He is..." Stepping out of the darkness and into the light, his voice grew ominous, "a _murderer_."

Forcing you to open your eyes, you were greeted with those of his dull own. His whole entity was frightening, pale and distorted skin sending more shivers down your spine. His lingering height towering over your own as you sat there in a puddle of your now fragile heart that melted.

"Tell me, why is it that you love him so much?" Getting the feel of your tongue once again, you took in a deep breath. "Why is it that you love a man such as Kylo Ren?"

Refusing to answer, Snoke grew impatient.

"Tell me!" Extending his arm out, you braced yourself for the worst. "Tell me why it is that you believe Kylo Ren could return to the light?! Tell me as to why you have such strong faith in him?

!"

"I'm not telling you anything!" You shouted back.

"Love, love is so foolish! It makes one weak and hopeless! It's a distraction, a false emotion! It is pathetic!"

"Why...are you so afraid of love? Why are you so afraid that Kylo could feel such emotion?" You breathed, eyes locking onto Snokes lifeless pair.

"Kylo Ren could not feel such thing-"

"You're terrified at the thought that he does," You softly spoke. "You're afraid your apprentice will allow love to guide him to the right path, you're afraid love will free him of all his pain."

Clenching his jaw, the Supreme Leader worked his way through the force, trying to diminish your walls, but they were too high up...too _strong_.  "Love is a myth, love has no real value."

"Yet you fear it." Slightly tilting your head, you could sense the difficulty that is him trying to reach to you, trying to invade your thoughts. "You're afraid...you're afraid that love is too strong, that love is too powerful and could easily destroy everything you had been working for. You manipulate a boy since such a young age. You worked your way through his mind to use him for your own good, for your own benefits. But what about him? How much were you willing to do in order to make him suffer? The real monster here is _you_ , Snoke."

"I will not be intimidated by a foolish girl such as yourself!" Snoke snapped, but your tone instantly overpowered his own.

"You took everything away from him, you fed him lies, you destroyed him. You broke him! You are the reason why he is rotting from the inside out! But you're afraid there is a cure, that there is something that could save him! You're afraid that the love is real, and that he feels it too! You're afraid that Kylo Ren is capable of love and you know for a fact he feels it!"

Snatching his hand down, Snoke nearly stumbled back. There was a Force, one greater than any he had ever experienced before, that weakened him. You sat there, panting, you could feel the Force working its way though your body, the bond giving you the defense line you needed to protect yourself.

After all, it was just you and the Supreme Leader, there was no one else to save you but yourself.

"You foolish, little girl!" Taking heavy strides towards you, you felt your chest heave. It wasn't fear, it was adrenaline, something was giving you the courage you needed. "I will not be deterred by your incompetent words! You can and never save the man from himself, he is the one who is destroying himself!" Hand reaching out towards you once again, you shifted in your seat as you tugged at the restraints. "He is the one who is feeding off of the dark energy, consuming it and making him the monster he is! Kylo Ren will not be weakened by your stupid love! Kylo Ren will-" Seeing a bright red light emit from the darkness and swoop down Snokes arm, a piercing scream escaped in the hollowness.

Watching the man fall to his knees as he clutched onto the missing limb, your eyes darted up over to the man walking out of the darkness and over to you. "Kylo-" Reaching out and forcing the restraints off of you, he grabbed onto your hand and pulled you up.

"We must go now, we do not have much time." Rushing you out with him, Snokes voice boomed throughout the walls.

"Do not be foolish, Ren! Love will not save you! The darkness will fully consume you and there will be no turning back!" Darting out of the room and into the halls, you were greeted by the flashing red lights that guided the dark pathway. "The darkness will always rise up! There is no end to it!"

Rushing down the halls and hearing the voice die out, Kylo instantly pulled you to aside as he held you into his arms, grasping you tightly into his embrace as he let out heavy breaths. "Where did you go?"

"I did what had to be done." Freezing, Kylo felt your body tense up. "I saw the scav-...I saw Rey, she was with the trait-...Finn and the wookie."

"What did you do..." You mumbled into his shoulder, only to feel his tight grip slide loose.

"I gave them what they came for." Growing wide eyed, you blinked.

"You...helped them?"

"After you were taken away, I made it seem as if I were going to the trio to take them prisoner. I knew where they were, I sensed it...and Rey sensed me. She had her defenses up, she was ready to fight, but I surrendered. She didn't believe me at first, so she was ready to attack. Of course she would, I nearly killed her and Finn...but she felt something in her, the Force had spoken to her. So she stopped the moment I had fallen to my knees." Gazing up at him, Kylo looked off. "I can't do this anymore, Y/N. I can't allow the darkness to consume me...it's hurting too much, it's breaking me in ways I fear I can not heal from. I fear that I will die on this base."

Quickly holding onto his arms, you shook your head. "No...no you will heal, I will help you...I will guide you-"

"My stubbornness almost killed you! My mistakes, my decisions, everything! It has gotten me deeper into the hole I have created! I killed so many _innocent_ lives, Y/N! I killed my _father_! I nearly killed _you_!"

"It wasn't you-"

"It was _all_ me! I did it, I wielded the lightsaber! I killed them all!" He cried out, you only clutching onto his face and turning his attention to you.

"No. You may have done the action, but it wasn't you. You were influenced, Snoke manipulated you. He worked his way through your mind since a young age...you were being used. You were a pawn in his game. You, _Ben_ _Solo_ , didn't do this...Kylo Ren, Snokes toy, was being played...he was being held by strings like the puppet he is. He was being guided by the wrong voice. Listen to me when I say this, this _wasn't_ and _isn't_ you."

Swallowing any anger that had built up in him, Kylos heaving chest began to steady out.

"You've saved me, three times...you helped out the right people...you're allowing the light in. Now let it guide you home." Hearing heavy footsteps, your head snapped in its direction. "We need to go." Latching onto his hand, you pulled him out from where you two were and ran down the halls once again.

"There he is!" The familiar accented voice called out, you and Kylo looking over to see a dozen of troopers standing by Hux, only to rush over. With a wave of Kylo's hand, the men fell like dominos, giving you and him the opportunity to escape. "GET HIM!"

Sprinting down the halls, constantly looking over your shoulders, dodging officers and troopers, you had found yourself guiding Kylo towards his freedom.

Coming to a complete stop as you two were now surrounded, Kylos grip tightened around your own as you looked around, feeling your hopes drain out. "Where do we go...?"

Hearing a blaster being fired, your heads shot over to where the sound was being emitted, only to see Phasma standing there with her own army of troops. "You two go, I will take it from here." Tilting your head, she nudged her own. "Go before I change my mind!" Nodding, you tugged on Kylos hand as you aimed for the clear path, Kylo only looking at Phasma as she gave him a nod. _Be the man you were always meant to be, not forced to become._

Running down the hall, the large doors of the north sector finally came into view. "Where-where is Rey, Finn, and Chewie?" You frantically asked.

"Rey had refused to leave without you, she sent Finn and Chewie back to the Falcon with the data-"

"W-where is she?!" Hearing the door behind you open, a wave of cold air had greeted you as Rey had came into view.

"I suggest you two leave, there is no doubt those troopers are still after you." Rey stated, holding her double-edged saber in her grip. "We've got it from here," Nudging over her shoulder, a large group of Resistance members appeared. "You finish your part in this," Rey looked directly at you. "Bring him home."

Nodding your head, you instantly engulfed her in a one arm hug before whispering "Thank you."

"Falcon. Take him to the Falcon, Finn and Chewie will take you two home," She whispered back before letting go from the hug, giving you a swift nudge. Running through the army of rebels, you and Kylo made your way out as they all piled in.

"We have to go to the Falcon," You breathed, the both of you looking over at the war raging above in the sky and now entering the base. "We're limited on time."

Rushing deep into the forest and towards the area the Millennium Falcon had been 'parked' in, Kylo instantly came to a stop.

"What is it?" You asked, seeing his eyes narrow the slightest, his hand searching his belt. "Kylo?"

"We need to go," Squinting your eyes for a moment, Kylos head turned towards you. "Now!"

About to run on, you froze. "The dark side will not lose one of its finest to the light." Snoke spoke. "I will not punish you for your near betrayal if you come back." Taking a step in front of you as his hand slipped from your own, now being held out in front of you as if guarding you, Kylo's defenses were up.

"And what if I do not?"

Soon to regret his question, you were instantly ripped from the spot you were standing in, now in Snokes hold as his lanky fingers wrapped around your throat. "She dies."

Feeling your airways being blocked with the tightening of Snokes grip, your lungs had begged for air, gasping for any ounce of oxygen. "Let her go!" Kylo shouted, instantly sticking out his hand as he ripped Snokes grip off of you, you falling to your knees. "She has nothing to do with this!"

"You fool, she has _everything_ to do with this!" Snoke seethed, kicking the air out of you as you fell to your side, his feet being pressed against your upper chest. Coughing at the pressure, Kylo rushed over, only to take a sudden stop as Snoke pressed harder. "She will die if you do not take my offer, Ren."

"Your power and guidance mean nothing to me anymore! I was weak minded, I let you in when I was most vulnerable! I was dumb to believe everything you said! My family _loved_ me, with all their heart, I should have never allowed you to influence me in such way!" Kylo retorted.

"Yet, you did...you broke your mothers heart, killed your father, sent your uncle into exile...and now? You will be the cause of her death." Snoke pointed to you as you tried removing his foot off of you, continuously coughing and gasping.

"You will not kill her!" Kylo roared, a sudden wave of power rushing through him, giving the Force an extra boost as Snoke was instantly tossed off of you. Running to your side, Kylo held you in his arms as you gasped, taking in the necessary oxygen. Picking you up in his arms, Kylo was about to take off but was suddenly pulled off of his feet, you falling harshly on the ground as you grew dizzy.

"You are still messy, Kylo Ren, your training should have been complete. Maybe that would have fought you not to leave your lightsaber behind!" Activating the cross-guard saber, your eyes widened. Snoke was at an advantage as Kylo only had the Force. "You disappointed me, Ren...I thought you were better than that..." Shaking his head Snoke lunged towards Kylo.

You weren't sure as to what it was, but something in you had kicked in, you forcing yourself up and rushing over to Kylo.

He was frozen, for the first time ever Kylo had no idea what to do, but the moment a familiar backside came into view, Kylos heart instantly stopped. It had happened so slowly, Kylo was reaching out, but it was too late the moment the bright red stream of light had came into view and pierced through the skin--your skin.

A sudden burst of pain was felt in your chest. Your once heaving chest becoming slow rises and falls as your eyes trailed down to the incision, the bright red light disappearing as you felt yourself fall back, instantly into a pair of arms. "Y/N?! Y/N!" Kylo called out, holding onto you as you violently coughed out blood. "No, no this is not supposed to happen!" Clutching onto you, his now blood stained hands held onto your face. "No, Y/N, please...please, stay with me..."

Nearly choking on your own blood, you coughed out more as you tried smiling. "You-you can do it...you...you can defeat the darkness in you...I know you can...I-I-" Coughing out more, Kylo only blinked back tears.

"Do not leave me like this, Y/N, do not go." He spoke through clenched teeth, cursing the coincidental death sentence. "Please, don't!"

"I...love you...always-always remember, okay?" Slightly nodding, Kylos bottom lip quivered. "For all...eternity."

Shutting his eyes, his grip grew tighter as he felt your life force fade away, body growing limp in his arms as his breath hitched.

No one in the surrounding perimeter could tell what it possibly was or what seemed to trigger it, but a sudden violent rumble was felt throughout the surface as a piercing scream left Kylo’s throat.

_Why me?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *moment of silence*


	29. XXVIII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Maybe, just maybe, he could find p e a c e within himself..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to point out that since we don’t know much about Snoke nor his abilities (if he has any) I gave him the same ability as Dooku and Sidious…though I’m sure the whole electric manipulation is meant for Siths, I still threw it in for the hell of it because I’m not creative and don’t know shit bout Snoke although I tried doing research. With that being said, enjoy!

Grief, a sense of heartbreak was felt in the air. Leia had found herself falling back into her seat as a hand clutched onto her chest while the other latched onto her desk. This _wasn't_ supposed to happen, she wasn't supposed to lose somebody else, not _this_ early on. Shutting her eyes, she could feel her heart shatter once again, a stream of tears staining her cheeks as her eyebrows twitched from furrowing tightly. Did destiny _not_ want her to be reunited with her son? It only hurt more knowing that someone like you had to fade away so early on. It broke her even more, you were the last person she wanted to lose.

The sound of a scream reverberated through the chest of Luke, a sense of familiarity stung his heart as head snapped in the direction of the noise. A sudden tug in the Force, a rather harsh one, pulled at him as he looked off into the distance of the woods. Shutting his eyes, he could feel the pain of his once Padawan coursing in his veins. He hadn't felt this in the longest of times, actually, Luke had _never_ felt _this_ much pain from Ben ever before. "What is it, Luke?" Kai, your father, came to a sudden stop as he heard the footsteps behind him cease. "Do you feel something?" Opening his eyes, he could feel something slip away. Something strong, something great enough to make his nephew snap in a way he had never felt before. _Y/N_. Looking up at the night sky, he took in a deep breath--he feared the worse. 

"I-" Cutting himself off, Luke froze as he had turned around. Hearing a harsh gasp come from his wife, Kai swiftly turned and crouched down next to her now kneeling frame. "Amya?"

"Amya, honey, are you alright?" Clutching onto her chest, she took in deep breaths, eyes scrunched shut as her teeth gritted. "Amya? Amya, what's going on?" Face filled with concern, Kai looked up at Luke, eyebrows knitted as Luke's reflected the expression. 

Walking over and getting on one knee, Luke studied the woman, "Amya, tell me, what is it that you are feeling?" 

Shaking her head, she took in yet another deep breath before looking up. "I-I'm not sure? It, it feels like...like something-something stabbing my chest? Like...like a pang?" Gulping, she gasped. "I...I feel weak? As if...as if something was taken away from me..." Clenching his jaw, Luke quickly stood up. So his fear was right. 

"Do-do you know what it is?" Kai asked, looking up at Luke as the man turned his attention back to where he sensed the disturbance in the Force, the world around the three vibrating underneath them. "What's going on? That can't be the Resistance attacking the troopers, nor can it be the pilots above..."

Taking in a deep breath, Luke squinted his eyes the slightest. "No, it isn't..." Turning back around to the two, he pointed, "Take her back to the Resistance base, it isn't safe for her out here."

"But what about the files, and Y/N?" Kai called out as Luke had already walked off in the opposite direction. "Luke, what about-"

"Just take her, it's of your best interest," He spoke over his shoulder before sprinting deeper into the woods.

Standing still on the battlefield, Rey had found herself looking over her shoulder, eyebrows scrunching up as her throat locked, a sense of hollowness being filled in her heart as she could feel you fade away. How could this have happened so soon? Clenching her jaw, her grip around her saber tightened as her attention was snapped back onto the stormtroopers ahead, grunts and yells being released from her as she whipped around. You were the last person Rey expected to lose on this mission. "Get...out...of my...way!" She grunted, lashing out on the stormtroopers before rushing off back over to where she entered. "Y/N," She called out, being greeted by the harsh cold wind as she ran out the large doors. "Y/N!"

Throat growing hoarse as he felt his ability to scream wear out, Kylo took in heavy breaths as he panted, holding you closely to his chest while the tears slipped off his chin and rained down on the snow. "This was all your fault, Ren. You allowed her in, you are the reason she died. Mindless little boy, how could you possibly think happiness was meant for you?" Snoke taunted, Kylos eyes burning as his teeth chattered. "Do you not understand? Everywhere you go, death follows."

Shutting his eyes, Kylo took in a deep breath, gently pressing a kiss against your forehead as he lied you down onto the snow. "My shadow haunts me, it must be death it's self." He bitterly spoke, slowly standing up. "You, you are my shadow, you are the darkness that lingers in the background. You are death."

"Death can never die, do not expect this to be easy, Ren. I know your intentions. You want revenge; good, revenge is fueled by anger. You need that anger. Her death...it was for your own benefit." Snoke cruelly spoke.

Seething, Kylos head slowly turned over to Snoke, heavy exhales leaving his nose as he watched the senile old man stand there and study Kylos lightsaber. "Death is never a benefit. It is a weakness, it tears you apart-"

"Is that why you are so... _broken_? Your father's death was upon yourself, _you_ were the one who lured him onto the walkway if I recall... _you_ killed him, Ren. You were the one to ignite-"

"You made me!" He snapped, fists clenching as his chest began to hurt. "You made me do everything wrong I have ever done in my lifetime! You turned me into the beast I am today! You, you are the reason why I have become what I am!"

"Embrace it, Kylo Ren," Snoke calmly spoke as he watched Kylo fume, taking a liking to it--it was an advantage. "You are angry, take it in, build it up in you...let it drive you-"

"No! I am done with allowing my anger to guide me! My anger does nothing but tear me apart!" Feeling his head throb as he was sure his lungs were about to collapse from screaming, he stood there, breathing heavily. "I will not bring myself down anymore, I will not kill myself for everything I have done. Because in the end... _you_ were the reason why. You are the true enemy here, and the only way to free myself from all this pain is to sever myself from you." Reaching out his hand, his lightsaber was ripped from Snokes grip and into Kylos own. "I will die if I have to, I rather die saving myself then live on in your grip. I will no longer be toyed by your devilish tongue." Holding up his saber and activating it, Snoke let out an eerie laugh.

"You want to free yourself of this pain, you preach about how I turned you into the monster you are today, yet...your answer to all of this...is murder...how hypocritical, Ren." Snoke declared before circling Kylo. "You do not have what it takes to be a Jedi any longer, the light, it is too bright for you...you are filled with such darkness that will only haunt you and--eventually--will bring you back to me..."

Pausing behind Kylo, the young man could feel the darkness loom over him. "I will not be discouraged by your words, nor will I be deceived." He breathed, holding tightly onto the hilt of his lightsaber. "But I will admit, you are right..." Watching Kylo's shoulders drop the slightest, a small tug on the corner of Snokes mouth was felt. "The light, it will never fully consume me..." Swiftly spinning around, Kylo twirled his saber in a harsh manner towards Snoke, striking him  ~~ ironically ~~ across the cheek bone.

Letting out a hoarse grunt, fire was now burning inside of Snoke as Kylo could see hell rising in his eyes. "You imbecile!" His voice roared as Snoke clutched onto his cheek. "Defeating me will not take you on the path you need! That is if you can defeat me!" Flicking his wrist, a surge of electricity pulsed through Kylo causing him to grit his teeth as his grip around his lightsaber loosened. "You are still as weak as ever! You praise and praise Darth Vader but you will never exceed his skill!" Taking small steps closer as Kylo stumbled back, he tried his damnedest to reach for his lightsaber, only seeing Snoke reach out to it and deactivate it before tossing it.

"I...don't...care anymore! I've...I've lost all...the desire...to be like him!" Kylo roared, the veins in his neck lodging out as the heat in his face surfaced. "Yet...here I am...losing everything good...I've ever had!"

Snapping his hand back, Snoke shook his head, watching his once apprentice gasp for air as he sat on all fours. "I should have known how weak she made you...I should have known it from the very beginning. You never severed that bond. You lied, all along, she was the pull to the light--aside from your father--she was the main reason as to why you have become so... _useless_..." Growling, Kylo clenched his fist into the snow, turning his head over to you before shutting his eyes. 

He didn't want the power, the idea of ruling the galaxy was no longer a priotrity--let alone--a want. What he wanted was peace with himself, he had lost so much on the dark path he had been on that he hadn't realized how blind he was until now. The pain was him pushing the light away, as if he had been ripping a part of him away. He didn't deserve this life, he had caused so much grief for his family, for his old friends, for _you_. You should have been the one alive, not him. He should have been the one to take the stab to the chest, not you. All along, he felt death coming, but he never knew it was coming for you.

"It is such a shame to call you the grandson of Darth Vader...even his son and daughter had done so much for the galaxy, even if it was filthy work. You, you are _tragic_ , an _abomination_. I was foolish to choose you, to think I could use you for your power. You had so much potential..." Sending a forceful kick to Kylo's stomach, a harsh cough was released as he fell to his side, another surge of electricity being sent throughout his body as Snoke snarled. "Yet you rather love someone!" 

Turning his gaze to you, he watched the snow gently pat against your skin as thin strands of your hair cluttered your face. Kylo took in one last deep breath as he shut his eyes. If this were his end, at least he had you and his father to meet on the other side. Maybe then he could tell Han how much he never truly hated him.

"You have failed me for the last time, _Ben Solo_. If you so badly seek for the light, may your wretched soul go into it!" Unsure of what it was, a sudden surge of adrenaline hit him, his shaking body instantly rolling away from the blow as Snoke slammed the lightsaber into the snow. Maybe this was yours and Hans doing, maybe this was the forgiveness he needed.

"I will not die in your hands," He panted, slowly standing up as he trembled, "I will not give you the advantage to take my soul as you had taken hers." Ripping the lightsaber away from the snow and activating it, Snoke raised his arm, ready to swing it down as he kept his eyes locked on Kylo's still figure. "If death is upon us, then so be it."

Not even flinching the slightest, Snoke's arm came crashing down, only for the limb to be severed as Kylo instantly snatched the lightsaber from his grip, thrusting it into the mans chest.

"But I won't be the one to greet him at the door." Deactivating the weapon, Kylo tossed it to a side as he watched the green glow beside him die out, moving to a side as Snokes deceased body crashed down. 

Standing there with her jaw clenched, chest heaving as she kept her eyes locked onto Kylo's, Rey's eyes instantly shifted over to your body lying on the ground. Shutting her eyes as she gulped, Rey deactivated her lightsaber before releasing a deep breath. "You loved her...didn't you?" She questioned, eyes still shut as she couldn't seem to take in the scene.

Taking a deep breath as he felt his legs give out from under him, Kylo felt a small smile tug at his lips before colliding with the snow beneath him, "More than you know..."

Opening her eyes at the sound of the impact, her eyebrows knitted at the sight of Kylo's over-exhausted body lying there, watching over your own as he let out a small sigh; at least he had done _something_ right. Clearing her throat, Rey spoke up, "Thank you...for helping us..." Sliding her double-edged saber on her back, she walked over to where you had been lying. "And thank you...for protecting her..." Crouching down, she bit on her lower lip before allowing the few tears to slip. "I may not have known it before...but I could tell that she loved you," Nodding her head, Rey fell down in a sitting position before letting out a soft whimper. "And I can tell that you love her, just as much." Halfheartedly smiling, Kylo blinked as he watched Rey hover over your body.

Biting back the urge to sob, Rey gently placed two fingers on your wrist, hoping for some miracle that there was a pulse. Not feeling anything, her bottom lip trembled between her teeth. "I'm sorry..." Kylo breathed. "It isn't enough, I know that...I'll be haunted forever for the evil I have done. But know that I...I mean it."

Looking off into the sky, Rey took in a deep breath. Forgiveness wasn't easily given, especially after what she--let alone, Poe and Finn--had gone through with Kylo. But she knew, deep in her heart, if there was one thing you would have wanted from her it would be to let go. Maybe not fully forgive him, but let go, let the past be the past and to build up from it...to grow stronger from what she had been through. Giving herself this peace of mind was the least she could do for you. "I may not have the will to forgive you, at least not yet, but Y/N would want me to not hold the grudge any longer. In the end, that is not the Jedi way...but, it will be a process. You just have to prove that you will be better."

Nodding his head, Kylo felt his body gradually growing numb as he had become too weak to move the slightest. "Freedom...from this pain...is all I ever wanted."

From a distance, Luke could see a pair of silhouettes--a _group_ of silhouettes--all of them on the ground. At the point he stood at, it was hard to decipher what had been going on, but the moment he grew closer, he felt the slightest of ease run though him. Taking a sudden stop as his eyes landed on Snokes motionless body, he closed his eyes. Maybe this was the beginning of the end, the end of the tragedy that had been played throughout the past decade. Reopening them, Luke's eyes moved over to Kylo's body, a sudden urge to rush forward washed over him before Rey had looked over and shook her head. Although he couldn't quite tell, Kylo was--for a fact--still alive.

Feeling a familiar tug in the Force, Kylo tried his damnedest to lift himself up, only to feel a hand on his back. "Don't strain yourself..." Growing wide eyed at the voice, his eyes instantly teared up, "We've got you now." Nudging his head towards Rey, she instantly got a hold of your body in her arms, Luke doing the same as he picked up Kylo. "Let's head back to the Falcon and get them medical attention."

Furrowing her eyebrows, Rey looked over. "Them?"

"Never doubt the Force...it works in mysterious ways." Nodding her head, Rey lead the way as she bolted over to the Millennium Falcon, Luke following closely behind.

The world around Kylo had been fading away, his life feeling as if it were crumbling to ruins, but at this very moment, he could feel himself fall into the light.

Maybe there still was a chance Ben Solo could come back.

Maybe there was a chance he could redeem himself and become the adversary to the evil within himself and of the galaxy.

Maybe, just maybe, he could find peace within himself...once and for all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWO. PARTS. LEFT. FUCK.


	30. XXIX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Welcome home, Ben. I've missed you so m u c h."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We officially have one more part left...let's all indulge in the beauty that is soul mate.

The world around Kylo felt _different_ , it--himself and the atmosphere around him--felt rather... _peaceful_. He knew it could be coming from so many factors, one of the main ones being oncoming death. For once, he hadn't feared death, he actually _welcomed_ it. Anything to be with you again. But then there was this side of him, a side of him that grew out of nowhere, that pleaded him to fight on and learn from his mistakes. A part of him _wanted_ to be alive, to live on and fight those demons and become victorious--his prize being ultimate freedom. Maybe not a full disconnection from the dark side, but a balance that kept him...well, _balanced_. Maybe the balance would lead him to a different life, one where he wasn't good nor bad. Possibly the rare kind--a Gray Jedi.

Lying on his back as his body ached from all the shock, his hand battled to keep your hand locked in his own. No matter how much it physically pained him to even hold something, the slight connections of holding your hand kept him together.

Turning his head and gazing at your rather peaceful state, he could feel the tears pool up in his eyes, softly trickling down over his nose and dropping on the cold metal floor of the Falcon. It pained him, yet, it didn't, to see you in this state. A part of him knew you were at peace and no longer had to deal with the hell you had been through. But that other side of him, the one that overpowered, that one couldn't help but feel the least bit of selfish.

He wanted you there, alive and home safe with your family. Maybe not in his arms, but safe and breathing. He wanted you to find your way in life, to thrive on and maybe have a brighter future. You were so young, so filled with hope, it hurt knowing all of that was taken away from you by the one thing he tried his damnedest to prevent.

If it wasn't for the fact that he was mourning and suffering it out, Kylo was sure he would be beyond fuming over Snokes doings. But he was the slightest of sane and knew what's done is done, and even though he had gotten his revenge, he still couldn't rid that fresh open wound in his heart. Nothing could heal the feeling of death. It had hurt in all the wrong places and made his heart ache. And Kylo for sure was suffering.

After all, he did love you with every inch of his being.

The quiet crying couldn't cease, though it wasn't violent tears, it was quiet audible and very heavy in the Force; it even brought down Rey. Though Kylo wasn't her favorite person, she could feel the pang in her chest, the feeling of pure heartbreak her cousin was now undergoing. Not even _she_ wished that upon him no matter what circumstances.

Painfully turning on his side, Kylo let out small breaths before reaching out to your face, wincing with every flex and shift of his muscles as he caressed your cheek, eyes dancing around your frame as he took in the last of your beauty. He had to, as far as he knew, you'd be gone forever from his grip in a matter of time.

So he did what he thought was best--he pointed out every single thing he loved about you--from head to toe, interior to exterior, metaphorically _and_ literally... _everything_. And by everything he meant _everything_.

It went from your hair to your smile, to your persistence to your heart, to even the minuscule details about yourself. Every bit of you he loved and he hadn't realized how much he _truly_ adored you until now.

Scooting himself over as he let out a few grunts, he brought your head to his chest as he placed soft kisses on top of your hair. He couldn't seem to _not_ kiss you, as if he were afraid it wasn't enough. Maybe it was a way to catch up from all the time lost or maybe it was the least bit of comfort he could get. Whatever it was, it was killing Rey and Luke from all the pure emotion Kylo-- _Ben_ \--had been releasing.

"There are no words to express, at this point in time, how much I love you," Kylo softly cried out to you. "I never knew one could love this much and sadly realize it too late. I wish I knew just how much I truly adored you, from every bit of fiber in you." Letting out a deep breath, he shut his eyes as he took a moment. He couldn't go on, if he had, he'd only break himself even more. "If this all had worked out, and you and I had made it out alive, safe and together...I-I-" Holding tightly onto you, Kylos lips trembled as had an urge to wail out. "I-" As if she had sensed his words, Reys eyes instantly snapped over to that of Kylos lying figure. "I would've asked for your hand in marriage...because _that_ is how much I love you."

Shutting her eyes as her heart shattered even more, Rey felt a single tear slip before she turned her attention back ahead. "No matter how much I loathed Kylo...he did not deserve this," She muttered over to Luke, taking in low, deep breaths. "He loved her, Luke...I may not have known it, but I _felt_ it. He loved her, he _loves_ her...so much." Shaking her head, she wiped her cheek. "I'm afraid that she was the light that guided him the whole time and he hadn't known it. Lights always go out...and she had to go out the moment she brought him out of the darkness." Gulping, Rey shifted her eyes from the space ahead, down to her feet, "She is the reason why he's coming home. She brought him back at the cost of...her own life."

"We both know she didn't, it may seem like it, but she did it because of her instincts...she put him before herself because she _wanted_ Kylo to become better. She _wanted_ Leia to be happy. Y/N was being selfless without even realizing it." Luke stated. "Y/N was the balance we needed but never realized."

Nodding her head, Rey looked over her shoulder to see Kylo in the distance lying beside you, hand still intertwined with your own as he gently rubbed at the skin on the back of your hand. "What do we do now..."

Blinking, Luke had followed Rey's gaze before looking back ahead. "We bring her to the medical wing in hopes they could do something...if they can not," Taking in a deep breath, "I will confront her parents. I'm sure by now they've made it back to D'Qar...and I'm sure Leia felt it in the Force. Though, I am not so sure if she had told them."

"Maybe she hasn't, maybe Leia has hope?" Rey insisted.

"Leia _always_ has hope, but I'm not sure if she does _this_ time around...death is becoming too common with those immediate to her." Sighing, Luke swallowed as he thought about how he possibly was going to approach your parents--after all, your mother had felt it without realizing. "Let's just get back home before anything, I need Ben to be treated." Nodding her head, she gave the pair one last look before taking in a deep breath. Rey was sure Kylo had _never_ looked like this, even if she hadn't known him for so long. A man as powerful and dark as Kylo Ren couldn't have possibly felt such distraught before, Rey could only imagine the chaos running through his mind.

Which made her only think: how had he not exploded yet?

. . .

Holding tightly onto your soulless body, Kylo had felt the Falcon land as Finn had instantly rushed off, Chewie standing behind Kylo as he instantly knelt down and picked up the young man, wailing out a few words. "Please...please be-be careful..." Kylo called out to Luke as he went to grab your body in his arms.

Nodding his head, Chewie instantly walked off with Kylo in his hold as Rey stood by Lukes side. "I'm afraid Kai and Amya are already back...and waiting..." Rey warned. "How are we-"

"I will handle this."

Walking off the ramp before Luke, Rey's eyes landed on that of Leia who was clutching onto her chest, nearly falling to her knees as she watched her son in the Wookiees arms. Then her eyes landed on Luke, instantly trailing over to you as she saw your body hanging there. Shaking her head, Rey suddenly rushed to her side, instantly holding onto the General as she followed shortly behind.

"Y/N? Y/N?!" From afar, Lukes head turned to the direction of you mothers voice calling for you. "I-is...is that?" Running over with Kai shortly behind, she gasped. "Y/N? N-no...no, she-" Throat locking, she covered her mouth as Luke had came to a stop, her hand hovering over your head as she could feel nothing from you. "No...no, she's...she's fine, she has to be-"

"Amya, I need to take her to the medical wing, if I don't-"

"My-my baby...my little girl..." Fighting the tears, she fell back into Kai's arms as she had grown weak. "Y/N!" She cried out, Luke wincing as he could feel her pain radiate off of her and onto him. "Y/N! Y/N, please...please, speak up, say something..." Shutting his eyes, Kai bit on his lower lip, Luke looking over to see Chewie struggling with Kylo in his grip. Kylo tried and tried to be released, to rush back over to you and hold onto you, but Chewie thought otherwise.

Catching your fathers attention, Kai's head snapped in Kylo's direction as he grew furious."Him-him! It-it was him! I knew it!" Kai pointed out, only for Leia to swiftly rush over in front of Chewie.

"Don't you dare blame _my_ son, this all happened because of Snoke, Snoke did all of this to us and _him_ ," She stated, Kylo still struggling to break out of Chewies hold, but was too weak. "Ben was only trying to save her, protect her, don't you dare come attacking him when he had done _nothing_ wrong to her!" Blinking, Kai took a step back as Amya cried into his chest. "And you know very well, all along, that the only man who could love your daughter right was _and_ only is my son." Leia stated, causing Kai to grow quiet.

"I must take her and Ben to the medical wing now before we're too late," Luke stated as Kai nodded his head, Chewie instantly rushing off as Luke followed.

Placing either of them on cots, the doctors and nurses instantly piled up, the majority of them on you as they placed an oxygen mask over you as they checked your vitals, the same for Kylo. Although it had been Kylo Ren in there, the medical staff were well aware who exactly he was...especially when his mother was right outside the door comforting your own mother.

Watching everything from behind blurry eyes, the world around Kylo seemed painfully slow as they worked on him as he watched them work on you. From trying to mend your wound as they hoped for a pulse, Kylo lied there, painfully watching. He wanted to call out to you, he wanted to hold you, to be there by your side...yet there he was, latched onto a bed as his aching body was being treated. "Y/N..." He stuttered your name from underneath the oxygen mask, taking in deep, slow breaths as he could hear a mixture of beats and shuffling along with talking, all echoing in his mind.

"I-I think we've got something!" A nurse called out.

"Set her up now, we may just get her heart going," A doctor responded.

It all happened at once, if it wasn't for the mental pain, Kylo was positive he would've been healing from the physical pain moments ago. But it was hard, his world was crashing down on him and the odds of you coming back were slim. It wasn't like him were the Force was heavily flowing through his veins and could somehow bring him back. No, you were just a human, you suffered greatly and were far more fragile.

And that's what added to Kylo's pain, the fact that you put his life in front of yours without even second thinking your actions--without thinking about your consequences. Because all you ever wanted was for Kylo to find peace, no matter what. Because you wanted Kylo to rid himself from the darkness, no matter the circumstances. Because you wanted him to be _free_.

The pain in his body was overbearing, the sound of the once starting up heart monitor started dying down as he felt himself slipping in and out of consciousness. "I-I think we're losing it..."

"Try your hardest, we have to work on this least bit!"

"Sir, the heart rate is running dangerously low!"

"She's falling into cardiac arrest, alright, get the defibrillator going!"

After minutes of beeping and sudden shock waves being felt within the force, the nurses and doctors scrambled around. "We need-"

"Sir, we've lost her..." The nurse stated as the doctor shook his head, trying to perform anything to revive you.

"This is the _daughter_ of Amya we are talking about, we can't let her go that-"

"Sir...she's gone." Blinking, the doctor gulped as the nurses started flowing out of the room.

Clearing his throat, he looked over to Kylo who had been fighting the drowsiness away. "What about General Organas son...how is he?"

"He's fine, weak, but stable...he's-" Hearing the door shoot pen, the sound of crying startled the two. "Amya-"

"Y/N..." Rushing to your side, she gently caressed your hair. "Oh, Y/N...I knew I shouldn't have allowed you on that trip..." Shaking her head, she wiped the tears with the tissue in her grip. "But if it wasn't for you..." looking over to Kylo, she took in a deep breath, "If it wasn't for Ben...we wouldn't have gotten the data." Shaking her head, she trembled. "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..." Taking in a shaky breath, she ignored the fact that the doctor and nurse had been urged out of the room by the General. "I'm so sorry I took you from him...I'm sorry your father and I had distanced you from him. He may have turned into a monster...but what monster does everything in their power to protect someone they love?"

Hearing your mothers words, Kylo clutched onto the thin sheets as he began to tear up once again. It was a shame it took this situation to get it out of her to realize the wrong her and Kai had done.

"I have so many what ifs in my mind, but I know there is no use...you're gone..." Whimpering, she looked up to see your father walk in. "I never could have asked for a better daughter, you've always made me so proud..." She slightly smiled, continuously petting your hair. "You risked your life...for him and Leia...you are so selfless, and I can't believe it takes this for us to say that you've become such a strong young woman." Wiping more tears, she nearly fell to her knees. "I'm sorry you couldn't have gotten that happy ending you wanted...and I'm sorry, so sorry that-that it wasn't with Ben."

Shifting his eyes to the ground, Kai felt guilty, after everything he had learned through Leia during the whole procedure, he had only wished to turn back time. Maybe if they hadn't held you back from him you would be there, maybe Ben would have never turned. Maybe, just maybe, you wouldn't be so lonely like you were before. You would have been happy and had someone at your side to keep you warm and safe.

Walking over to Ben's bedside, Kai began pushing it. "What are you doing?"

"If these are her lost moments, the least I can do is give them to him, too." Connecting Bens bed with yours, Kylos shaky hand reached out, only to weakly grab onto your own. "Leia was right...the only one who could love Y/N right _is_ him."

Feeling himself grow weaker and sleepier, Kylos eyes had grown insanely heavy as he had tried to turn his head towards you, enough to get one last good look of you before he was out cold.

Fluttering close, his eyes lost sight of your body as it faded away into the darkness Kylo was now surrounded by. He felt nothing, not the Force and not the pain, absolutely _nothing_. He was in an abyss of black, a void, and he was afraid he had made it to the opposite end of where you were.

But he wasn't dead, he was sure he hadn't died, the nurses even said he was fine. But where was he?

"Ben, come on, wake up! Ben, hey! I'm gonna leave you behind if you don't get up!" Hearing a painfully familiar voice, Bens eyes opened to the sight of his father. His father? "Finally, I was afraid you'd miss your own wedding lying here on the ground!" Furrowing his eyebrows, Ben sat up to the sight of himself in a suit.

"Dad?"

Arching an eyebrow, Han laughed. "You don't honestly think I'd miss your wedding day, do ya? Especially when it's on Naboo unlike mine with your mother? I've gotta soak it all in, kid...after all, you're my only prized possession." Patting Ben's shoulder, Han smiled as Ben's eyes teared up. "You don't understand how much I love you, kiddo. You're my world, my everything, and no matter how far or busy I was...you were always my number one treasure."

Feeling the urge to cry out, Ben instantly stood up and latched onto his father as his arms held tightly onto the old man, grip growing shaky at how much he had been holding on. "I'm so sorry, dad. I'm sorry for what I've become, what I've done...I loved you, I _love_ you. I'm sorry I-"

"Save it, kid." Pushing Ben back as he held onto his shoulders, smiling up at him, Han only wiped Ben's tears. "I'll always be happy to call myself your father, no matter what. You are free now, and that's all that matters. But what matters most is who's waiting on the other side." Moving to a side as he had bee blocking Ben's view, the young man suddenly felt his heart sink to his stomach as he watched you standing there in all your glory in a beautiful white gown, smiling at the scenery surrounding you. "This is that happy ending you deserve, now go get it." Nodding to his father, he gave him one last hug before running off. "Make your mother and I proud!"

Nodding his head, he rushed over to you, turning you around and pulling you into a strong embrace, lips crashing onto your own as one arm wrapped tightly around your waist while his free hand held onto the back of your head. "Hey it's bad luck to see the-" Cutting you off as you mumbled into the kiss, Ben could only taste his tears getting into the mix. "Ben, I love you too, but the kiss is for later," You chuckled, pushing him off of you. "Are you alright?"

Gazing into your eyes, he took in a deep breath before pulling you into another hug, head burying into the crook of your neck as he took in your smell. To him, if his heaven were to be real, it would smell just like you. "You're here...you're alive..."

"Of-of course I am? I mean, we're getting married, after all...and who would be the mother of our children?" Furrowing his eyebrows, he took a step back as you gently rubbed your stomach, the protruding belly causing a bump in your gown. "Can't leave the twins behind without me."

Blinking, Ben nearly choked on air. "T-twins?"

"Ben...what is up with you? Yes we're having twins...hence why your father keeps teasing _it's a gunshot wedding_..." You arched an eyebrow, only to lie a hand on his cheek as your thumb rubbed at the smooth skin. "Hey, are you okay? Are you nervous?"

Wiping his tears, he only shook his head. "Nervous? I'm just...I'm just overwhelmingly happy...this, this is all I've ever wanted..." He nodded. "You, me...getting married...having a family. My father being alive to see it...all of this, it's...it's unreal."

Smiling, you pressed a soft kiss against his cheek. "Well believe it, Ben...this is all for you." Grabbing his hand, you began guiding him. "Come on, you've got so much more to accomplish in your life than to just stand there in disbelief. You're free now, Ben, you rule your own world...you guide your own path. Now it's up to you as to where you're gonna go." Speaking over your shoulder, Ben was slowly being blinded by the bright light you had been guiding him into.

"Yeah, Ben, don't worry about us...we're doing just fine." Clutching onto his sons shoulder, Han smiled. "You just follow your heart and go where you belong--into the light."

"But don't rush yourself, we'll be here for all eternity," You grinned over at him as you squeezed his hand.

"You just take your time, kiddo, we'll be here waiting," Han winked as he gave Ben's shoulder a pat.

Looking over at both of you as you two walked him, he was suddenly blinded by the brightness, only to be lost in it as he could feel you slip from his fingertips as the two of you had called out, "We love you very much, Ben. Go home to Leia, she's waiting!"

Shooting his eyes open, Kylo was suddenly greeted by his mother at his bedside, tears filling her eyes as a smile tugged at her lips. "Welcome home, Ben. I've missed you so much."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to post, I had some family issues to deal with these past few days...but here I am! Hope you all enjoyed this fluff/angst/heartbreak filled part! xo


	31. XXX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "See you some o t h e r day."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought I'd point out that I incorporated a few ideas from my (dickren) tumblr followers who sent me lots of good ideas to add to the last part. In case it confuses you, Ben is called Ben when around family/friends, but Kylo when he's amongst himself. Any who, under the star line is an alternate universe where it's modernized (thank you to a tumblr follower for that idea!)
> 
> Enjoy!

_One whole day: twenty four hours, two minutes, seven seconds._ Kylo pondered upon the ticking clock in his mind, the overwhelming reminder that you _weren't_ coming back. If he was so lucky enough--a man as troubled as himself--to have the stars bring _him_ back to life...why couldn't you have been lucky, too? The guilt fed on him, if he hadn't saved you then, you wouldn't be dead now. Or would you? That house fire was disastrous, but at the same time, if the First Order hadn't infiltrated your home planet, you still would've been fine, living on your own without a single worry of death. Yet, Kylo stood there, blaming _himself_. He shouldn't have left you all those years ago, he shouldn't have allowed Snoke to deceive him. He was never meant for the Dark Side, yet, he wasn't meant for the Light either. Kylo pained, he pained over his past, the life he had, and the two lives he lost--their blood in his own hands. Even if he hadn't _literally_ killed you, in his mind, he _metaphorically_ had. But, Kylo took in a deep breath and appreciated the little he now had, although he had lost you and his father and possibly _himself_...he still had his mother, and his mother was good enough. Because in the end, he _never_ felt the slightest of hate for Leia.

"I can't feel her anymore..." Kylo muttered, standing just outside the morgue. "Her soul, the Force flowing through her...it's all g-gone," He choked, swallowing the lump in his throat as he gently leaned his forehead against the the glass door. "Why? Why her and not me?"

The sight of her grieving son pained her, it was enough with the suffering the two had gone through, this was the _last_ thing Ben needed, let alone, Leia. You were so bright, so wonderful, in Leias eyes, you outshine the stars. She may never had admit it, but in her eyes, you were her everything. If Ben had never turned, she would have stopped at nothing to keep you and her son together, because Ben's happiness brought her joy. What mother doesn't love to see their children happy? 

Gently placing a hand on his back as she rubbed it, Leia let out a soft sigh before holding onto his forearm with her free hand. "Because the stars believe you deserve redemption, you have a fork in your path now, and it's time to choose the right one. Whether it be left, right, or even the middle--the Force has so much left for your soul. Y/N's duty in this lifetime was fulfilled, she was the balance, the one hope we needed to gain you back, Ben. And...and I know it's tough to hear, but this was _her_ path. This was her destiny. She sacrificed herself for you because all she ever wanted was for you to be _free_. No matter how difficult things must've gotten, you two still worked your way through it." Watching the light tears trickle down and stain Ben's cheek as he bit on his lower lip, Leia softly wiped them away before turning his attention towards her. "I know you, Ben. More than you know. Do not blame yourself for this, you need to remember how much you've done for her, how many times you saved her. It was her time to save _you_." With a light pat on his back and a kiss to his upper arm, Leia separated herself from him to give him alone time.

As much as she wanted to savor every moment of having her son back, she new that now all he needed was him and himself only. Sure, Leia had lost her one true love to the hands of her son--or so many liked to believe--but she knew the truth. And the truth was Han, too, was a part of the equation of setting Ben free. Sacrifice isn't always the best answer, but it happens to those who put others first--and that's what the Force had in store for Han and yourself.

You two were Ben's angels, his guardians, and in due time you two were going to clock in and save him from his worst enemy--himself.

Sniffling, Kylo wiped the back of his hand across his nose, drying away the ever flowing tears as he tried catching his breath. You were gone, and you were gone for good, but he couldn't bare to grasp that concept.

Clutching onto the doorknob, Kylo took in a deep breath before walking in. Seeing your body lie on the metal table in nothing but a white gown, his breath hitched. You had become so... _pale_. Your lips were barely pink and your skin turned a lighter shade. It hurt knowing this was _nothing_ but your corpse. Carefully brushing his fingers against your cold skin, he shivered at the touch as chills ran down his spine. Clutching his eyes shut, Kylo winced at the correlation of it all--he just couldn't believe it.

You were gone and there was _nothing_ he could do.

Feeling another wave of tears coming on, a sudden tug in the Force was felt, Kylos hand instinctively reaching out to your lower abdomen as he sensed something _unusual_. Taking a step back, he studied you. He couldn't quite grasp at the thought, nor could he imagine as to what the Force was trying to tell him, but he had realized there was not only a single life Force taken away rather...three?

Hovering his hand over your stomach, his eyebrows furrowed as he felt the unusual sensation again. What could it have possibly been? A part of him felt like it knew, but did it really?

Frantically searching around for the files that were your own, he instantly pulled the metallic clipboard from the bin at the edge of the table, flipping through the pages and instantly stopping at one.

Blinking, he froze in his spot, body growing numb as the clipboard slid from his grip and crash landed on the tile floor. He couldn't seem to even look at the information. Losing any sense of balance, he fell to the floor, sitting on his knees as his trembling hands grabbed onto the clipboard once more, ripping the page out. He hadn't lost one life to the hands of Snoke, no, he lost _three_.

And the other two were just as his dream had told him.

The two life forms were of his _own_ shared blood, his future pride, his _children_. His _twins_.

Swallowing, Kylo's wide eyes were moments away from popping out as he stared at the page. You couldn't have _possibly_ been pregnant, at least not for too long, it was only about a week ago that you two had your intimate moment. But the possibilities were way _too_ high and the proof was right at his fingertips.

Kylo Ren, no, _Ben Solo_ would have been a father to a pair of twins. Not just one child, but _two_.

The information couldn't seem to stick to his mind, but it was slowly engraving itself. _Father_.

The word looped in his mind, there was no way Kylo had deserved _that_ title. Out of _all_ titles, _that_ was the highest one could've gotten, at least to Kylo.

_Why?_

He was nothing _but_ trouble, he _killed_ his own father, how could the Force allow him to _be_ one?

Was his mother right? Was his redemption true? And if so, why would the Force take his children away?

Slamming the clipboard down, Kylo fall back, knees pulled in as he tugged onto his hair. If there was something _far_ more worse than the pain he had already been feeling, then this must've been death.

He just wanted his father back, his past back, to feel happiness and joy, to _be_ a father, and to be _forever_ with you. He wanted to rid his past from himself, to turn back time and become an adversary to the evil trying to consume him. He wanted to be at _ease_.

Clutching onto the paper against his chest, he rocked himself. His own little family he never knew he was going to have lied unconsciously on the metal table in front of him.

If the Force was trying to be cruel to him, this was the _wrong_ time and place. Not even _he_ deserved this.

. . .

It had been a good three hours since Leia had left her son, knowing he'd spend all day there with you if he could. Like Kylo, Leia hadn't known about the news until moments ago. The sound of "children" only made Leia rush from her seat, over to the medical wing. If knowing you were pregnant made her jittery and uneasy, she could only imagine how her own son felt.

If this wasn't a sign that Leia should try something, then she didn't know what was.

Rushing through the halls and dodging her fellow Resistance members, she pushed the door open, only to see Kylo fast asleep, sitting on a foldable chair next to the table, holding your hand in his own as his other hand lied on his stomach, holding the ripped page.

Clutching onto her heart, Leias bottom lip trembled at the sight. The fresh tears staining Ben's cheeks as she could see how red the surroundings of his eyes had become.

Shutting her eyes, Leia took in a deep breath. _Hope...hope_. Reopening them, she took a few steps over to you and hesitated to reach her hands out. It was a fact that Leia was Force sensitive, but her abilities were dormant and she couldn't do much.

But she had done enough research to learn about it and one thing that caught her interest was resurrection. It was messy, difficult, and nearly impossible to do. The chances were insanely slim and nearly only a handful of people were ever recorded to succeed.

Something, _anything_ to bring you back.

Hovering her hands over you, she took in another deep breath before focusing on the Force, feeling it running through her veins. If this wouldn't work, she was afraid nothing else would.

Shutting her eyes, she tried her damnedest to get something out of you, to work your heart, your brain, your lungs... _everything_ again. Feeling her head heat up with how much force she had been exerting, she slowly became light headed.

Taking in a deep breath after realizing she _hadn't_ been breathing, Leia's eyes slowly opened, only for her to frown as she stumbled back the slightest. Nothing, there was nothing. _Try again._

Repeating the process, she only felt herself become weaker; a Force being felt within Kylo as he shifted in his spot. It wasn't pleasant, it urged him, it was tugging at him...it was his mother. Fluttering his eyes open, he instantly stood up and rushed to his mothers side, "Mom!" Holding onto her as she nearly fainted, her eyes opened, tears filling them as her eyebrows twitched with frustration.

Pushing herself off of him, Leia went to move back over, only for Ben to pull her back. "Let me do this, this is the least I can do!" She cried out, Ben only pulling her into his chest.

"Mom...mom, she's gone...there's nothing else we can do," He said, clutching onto her as his arms wrapped around her. "She's at peace...she's-"

"No, no I can do something, I can bring her-"

"Mom, please...I don't need to lose you too," He whispered, breath hitching as his grip around her grew tighter, slight tears dripping. "You're all I have left..."

Gulping, Leia wrapped her arms around him, taking in a deep breath as she leaned her forehead against his chest. "I'm...I'm sor-"

"No, you have nothing to apologize for, you did nothing but your best. I am sorry, for everything I have done, for the pain I have caused you." Taking in a deep breath, Ben continued on, " _I'm_ sorry."

Hearing a soft knock on the door, Leia turned around as Ben looked up. "Yes?" Seeing the door open, in came Luke and Rey. "Luke, Rey..." She halfheartedly smiled, walking over and embracing the two.

Rubbing the back of his neck, Kylo adverted his eyes, looking back over to you as he went back to your side, hand holding onto the images. "We...I...wanted to come by, and see her..." Rey cleared her throat, walking past Leia after she gave her hand a squeeze. Taking a few steps over, she stood beside Kylo before sighing, jaw clenched as she tried not to cry. "I...I'm sorry." Furrowing his eyebrows the slightest, Kylo kept his focus on you. "Not even you deserved this. I-I thought this would've been...a happy reunion, Y/N back, Leia crying because you were finally home safe...n-not this." Gulping, Rey looked up at the ceiling. "As much as I hate to admit it, you and Y/N... _worked_. I, I don't know why I'm saying that, but I feel it to be... _right_."

"Thank you," Kylo simply replied, free hand holding your own as his other behind his back, holding the paper. "But it wasn't just Y/N and I who would've come back..." He stated, bring his arm from behind him and handing the paper to Rey. Getting a hold of the now crinkled up paper, she read the words, only to grow wide eyed.

Looking over at Leia with furrowed eyebrows, Luke had a look of confusion as Leia only sighed--he was bound to find out about the twins. "What is it?" Luke asked.

"It-...it said, she was pregnant," Rey stated, tears betraying her and staining the page. "Twins..." Giving Leia a look, she only nodded as Luke took in a shaky breath. "You...she..." Handing the paper back, Rey only shut her eyes. "I'm sorry..."

"So am I." Shooting a look over to Kylo as her eyebrows furrowed, she could easily feel the pain in his words, the agony radiating off of him like a beam of light, it nearly made her want to collapse to her own knees.

Getting a hold of his now clenched fist as it held the paper, she wrapped her own hand around it, "I forgive you..." She whispered before walking away, over to Luke's side as he placed a hand on her back. Nudging his head as if signaling to leave, Leia nodded as she watched the pair walk out.

"Ben...I think it's time we go..." She softly spoke, walking to his side and gently holding onto his arms. "We need to seek preparations." Bending down to kiss the back of your hand, he only moved over to your forehead, leaving a long kiss against it.

"Till we meet again." Standing back up straight as he swallowed any ounce of despair, a pair of doctors and a mortician walked in as Leia guided the two out.

. . .

Sitting upon a bench, dressed in dark robes as his hooded cloak covered his head, Kylo kept his grip on the paper, thumbs rubbing against the material as he took in quiet breaths. It had been three days since your passing; the last two days Kylo had kept to himself, roaming the outside of D'Qar as he wanted to be in peace and quite. During the two days, he had found himself reminiscing, rather than having an explosive reaction, he stayed calm. What point was there to go on a rampage when what's done is done?

During his time alone, Kylo had made a decision--soon after your funeral--he'd leave, becoming a lone Gray Jedi. He promised himself to visit his mother here and there, along with Luke and Rey, but he made a bigger promise to be on his own...at least until he healed just enough to join the _right_ side on the battlefield.

Taking in a deep breath, Kylo slid the paper in the inner pocket of the cloak before standing up, removing the hood as his mother in the distance watched while she was confronted by Poe. "War always comes with a loss, and we've learned that the hard way...we've lost good people, but it's only a lesson to be learned. Those who think of others sacrifice themselves for the future...because they have the hope you helped guide. You, Leia, you are the biggest hero here. Don't forget that, without you...stars knows what this galaxy would have turned to." Giving Leia a hug before kissing the top of her head, he smiled down at her. "Thank you, for everything." Giving him a smile, she held onto his arm before it slid from her grip as he walked off, over to the ceremony.

Turning his attention towards his mother, Leia made her way over as he gave her a small smile, turning his head back ahead as he watched the pathway be filled with Resistance members. "You know, all along I knew about you two..." Leia stated, following his gaze. "I'll admit, I thought it was the cutest thing ever...sneaking around, loving one another...just wish it didn't have to be that way."

"It was...fun," Ben admitted, "Sneaking around, it was childish, but it was thrilling. Especially the idea of me getting to see her, alone rather than surrounded by family." Letting out a soft chuckle, Ben looked up to the sky. "I called her my angel...just never thought the day would come where she would actually become one."

"Us, as living creatures, tend to lose those closest to us...I try to see it as an obstacle in life, but also, a blessing to the ever flowing Force. We now have two new additions in there, and as much as it pains us to know they'e gone, we must continue on...live on, and know that they are at peace, watching i=us, guarding us...after all, they'd only want good for us. And happiness. Yes, we may suffer, but what is life without suffering?" Nodding his head, Ben looked back ahead of him as he could see your casket come into view. "Now it's time to honor her, not for what she has done, but for who she was." Kissing his hand, Leia rubbed his arm. "I promise you, it will all be alright."

Giving his mother one last look, Leia smiled as she gave him a slight bow of the head, Ben walking off and over to the opened casket. Eyeing your lying body, you were dressed in a beige gown with your hands crossed over your chest. Doing a double take, Kylo's eyes landed on the object in your grip, only to realize it was the necklace he had given you. Clenching his jaw, he bit back any urge to cry, a wave of memories instantly hitting him.

_It had been a good couple of weeks since your encounter with Ben, it was...special. At least he thought about you maybe twice day so, yeah, it definitely was special. Every now and then when your parents took you to their base, he had hoped it was during the times he was there to visit. Of course, it was a downer when he realized you weren't there the moments he was, but when you were, he enjoyed every bit of it...even if you two had to talk in secret._

_It wasn't anything too suspicious, just little talks here and there, sometimes casually, so your parents wouldn't question you...but other times, like now, it wasn't so casual. Sitting on your bed, studying for a few exams, you had felt your eyes wanting to pop up as your head throbbed. For the life of you, as much as you were a good student...studying was not your forte, and boy did it exhaust you. Nearly slamming your face into the back, a sudden tap on your window caused you to jump. Sitting up, you furrowed your eyebrows, only to hear the tap again..then again..then again._

_Standing up, you walked over to the window, opening the curtains, only to see nothing, then a rock suddenly came to contact with the glass and nearly caused you a heart attack. Opening the window, you leaned over, only to grow wide eyed. "Ben? What are you doing?!" You loudly whispered, thankful your family was asleep, well, your dad was back at the base while your mother and brother were knocked out. "Are you insane?"_

_Scrunching up his nose, he spoke up, "Slightly? I mean, I kinda hijacked my dad's ship...and brought it here-"_

_"YOU WHAT?!" Quickly covering your mouth, you only whispered, "You what?!"_

_"Whispering it again doesn't help, Y/N..." Rolling your eyes, Ben chuckled. "Yeah, I took it, no big deal...I've done it a few times before, I'm sure he doesn't mind." Arching an eyebrow, he only shrugged, "What?"_

_Crossing your arms, you squinted your eyes. "You're telling me you stole the M-"_

_"Borrowed," He corrected._

_"Borrowed the Millennium Falcon, only to come here, just to say hi?"_

_Pondering, he only shook his head. "Not really, I mean, if I wanted to say hi I would've just done that through the holopad."_

_"Then what, Ben? You know this is very risky..." Holding onto the window sill, you only shook your head._

_"I came because...I was wondering...if you'd like to, y'know, take a break from your studies..." Rubbing the back of his neck, you waited. "Come on, you know..." He eagerly shifted from foot to foot._

_"No, I don't, Ben? What are you trying to get to?"_

_"Just come down here..."_

_"No, I'm in PJ's and I'm stud-"_

_"Fine, I'll come up," About to move, you quickly waved your hands as your eyes grew wide._

_"No, no...I'll...I'll come down! Just, uh, wait there..." Giving him a thumbs up, you quickly closed the window, shutting the curtains and pulled on a coat over your night dress, slipping on your slippers before rushing out. Carefully going down the hallway and stairs, you quietly shut the door behind you before walking out the front porch, looking around, not seeing a single sign of Ben. "You've got to be ki-" Instantly being engulfed into a hug, you nearly screamed, only to hear his voice._

_"Hey, hey, it's me!" Smacking his chest, your chest heaved as you glared at him._

_"Jerk!" Frowning, Ben only smiled._

_"Come, lets go for a walk," He nudged his head, causing you to raise your eyebrows._

_"A walk? Why?"_

_"Because, we're not just gonna stand here all night..." Grabbing your hand, he dragged you away from the house. "So tell me, how is school? The teachers? Your grades-"_

_"Everything is fine, mom...you should know that since you're my mom," Emphasizing the word mom, you rolled your eyes, causing Ben to laugh as you two had walked hand-in-hand, not quiet realizing it._

_"Don't come at me with that tone, missy," Ben pointed a finger, causing you to chuckle. "But seriously, how is it? Is there...uh...any cute people?" Furrowing your eyebrows, you looked up at him._

_"School is fine...and now, there isn't any cute...people..." Arching an eyebrow, you noticed he wasn't making eye contact. "Actually-"_

_"Actually?!" He snapped his head over to you, only making you laugh._

_"I'm kidding, there's no one." Sighing in relief, Ben looked away as you only smirked. If it wasn't so dark out, you sure would've noticed how red his cheeks were._

_"How about you? Any cute...people?" You snickered, looking over at Ben, then back ahead of you._

_"No, no cute people. Well, there is one, but I'm not worthy."_

_Knitting your eyebrows, you looked back up at him. "Not worthy?"_

_"Yeah, well, you see...it wouldn't be that easy because there are some...obstacles in the way."_

_Coming to a stop, you stood in front of him. "No, no way, don't let that stop you from your happiness, Ben!" Swatting his shoulder, he only shrugged. "Come on, if you like her, then try at least...you don't know if it'll work out unless you try."_

_"See, I'd like to...but I'm hesitant? I wouldn't even know how to ask her out, I mean, we talk...and hang out here and there, but...y'know? It wouldn't happen."_

_Tilting your head, you only shook it. "That's no way to talk, Ben. I'm sure anyone would be lucky enough to have you! I mean, hello, look at you!" Narrowing his eyebrows, he looked back down at you. Gulping, you stumbled upon your words. "You're cool, you're smart...and talented-ish-"_

_"Talented-ish?" He scoffed._

_"You wield a glowing sword! You're a nice guy, great smile, awesome hair...really tall, who doesn't love tall men? Come on, she's gotta be blind if she doesn't see it!" Shaking his head, he fought a smile as he looked away. "Oh, how can I forget! You've got dimples! Dimples! Ben, seriously, if she doesn't notice this then it's her loss," You nodded._

_"Well, actually...she kinda does notice all those things..." Scrunching up your eyebrows, Ben then looked back down at you. "After all, she did just list them."_

_"Huh? You just said-" Cutting yourself off, you only processed what he just said, "Oh. OH! Oh..." Looking up at him, you could feel your cheeks heat up as you stuttered. "Are-are you...are you saying that I'm? That it's...that me? I?" Shaking his head, Ben bent over the slightest as his hand lied on the back of your neck._

_"Yeah, I should've just gone with my gut instinct."_

_"W-which was?" Closing the gap between the two of you, Ben's lips instantly pressed against your own, your eyes growing wide as the hand that had been holding onto his tightened. Holding your breath as your throat locked, you shut your eyes and instantly kissed him back._

_"That..." Ben smiled, mumbling against your lips, "Was my instincts."_

_Taking in a breath, your hand moved over to the back of his head, fingers lost in his hair, "You really should listen to your instincts more." Closing the gap once more, you continued with the kiss. "Wait..." Leaning back, your eyebrow cocked up, "Is this our first date?"_

_"Uh...if, if you want that to be? If you want it to be-"_

_Cutting him off, you nodding before kissing him again, "I'll take that as a yes."_

"Ben, honey, it's time." Snapping out of it, Ben only felt his cheeks being soaked with tears, instantly rubbing them away with his sleeve. "Are you ready?" Taking in a deep breath, he nodded as Leia patted his back. "You can do this."

Hearing the ceremony begin as soft music played, Kylo hadn't realized that your father, weeping brother, Alastair, Luke, Poe, and Finn had joined along to hold the casket. "You've got this," Poe spoke up from next to him, "We're here with you." Looking at the rest of the men, they all gave him a nod, stopping at your father as Kai gave him a small smile, bowing his head.

The life Kylo had was filled with darkness, the void in his heart turning to an ever growing black hole. But then you were brought back into his world and everything slowly fell back together, just as they had fallen apart. He may have lost you and his father, but he soon was going to gain the sanity he once lost. That void in him slowly but surely was being filled with the love and adoration he once received. Although it took time to gain the trust of those that truly mattered once again, it was the worth the wait.

"Gray Jedi, huh?" Hearing that familiar voice, Ben turned his head, only to see his uncle approaching. "You know, I don't think any of them exist anymore...although there is a chance they do."

"I guess I'll be the first to bring it back to life," Ben stated, clutching onto a bouquet of flowers as he looked over at the tombstone.

"I'm happy." Furrowing his eyebrows the slightest, Ben turned his head back over to his uncle. "Well, your mother is a bit sad, but she knows why you're doing this. For me, I'm happy because you've finally found peace within yourself...you found your place in this universe. Not with the light, not with the dark, but in between." Taking a step closer, he crouched down to place a small bouquet of assorted flowers on your grave. "Now, I'm not one to say that you shouldn't leave. But, I'm not one to say that you shouldn't stay either. I think you should do what's best for you, as long as you visit your mother. She may be strong, but she needs to see you here and there."

"Of course."

"Good, cause I'd like to see you too, kiddo." Smiling up at Ben, he placed a hand on his shoulder. "Your father would be very proud, I'm sure of that." Half smiling, Ben nodded. "And so would Y/N. Both would be happy with the way you turned...you just have to take it in you and believe it."

Looking up to the sky, Ben deeply inhaled. "One day, one day I will."

"You hang in there, kid. You've got a lifetime ahead of you, you just know that you're not alone."

"Thank you, Luke...thank you."

"Anytime..." About to walk away, Ben only stopped him.

"Again," Hugging his uncle tightly, Ben shut his eyes before whispering. "Thank you."

Patting his back as Ben had let go, Luke gave his nephew a warm smile before walking off, leaving Ben to be.

Crouching down, Ben placed the bouquet of roses before the headstone, placing a hand on top of the tablet and taking in yet another deep breath before exhaling. "I wonder how life would be if you had been alive still and had those twins. Would I have been a good father? Would I be too uptight? I wouldn't want them following my footsteps, that's for sure. But they'd have you, and you'd balance them out. I would love them, with all my heart. If we had a son he'd be named Han. A daughter, Padme. But if they were a pair of boys...I can't keep naming the children after family because then they'd get confused," Kylo chuckled. 

"I could only imagine how that would be...would you follow me to the gray side? Or would we be here with the Resitance? Now that Snoke and I are gone, I'm sure the First Order is a mess. Phasma had a good heart, but her mind was in the wrong place. Hux? He's a lost cause, he was meant for that life. Finn, he's a good kid...I'm ashamed for the harm I caused him. Only makes me wonder...are there more like him out there? If there are, they too should be free. Then there's Alstair, I was hard on him, but he's a nice guy...I'm thankful for what he's done. Poe, Poe was my best friend then...I hope that we can gain that again. Luke doesn't hold a grudge, he's always been like that, and I'm glad...I really missed him. Moms happy, a little sad here and there, of course...but she's happy that I'm home." Kylo smiled, shutting his eyes as he felt them water up. 

"Then there's Rey...she's a bit tricky, but she...she forgave me; and honestly, that's all I can ask for. I pray things only go up from here, but soon I'll be on my own facing this Galaxy. I just need the time to myself, to breathe my own air and explore the Galaxy. I need to clear my mind, to cleanse myself. Then maybe...just maybe, I'll come back home as Ben Solo. But for now, Kylo Ren will stick until I _truly_ am free." Rubbing his eyes, Kylo opened them, only to smile. 

"I hope to see yours and dads Force ghost one day...although you two aren't Force sensitive, I hope that somehow there's a curve in that." Standing back up, Kylo dug his hands into his pockets. "I love you, always and forever..." Looking up into the bright sky, Kylo smiled as he took in the light, the blinding sun shinning down on him. _"See you some other day."_

☆ _._ 。 _.:*_ ・ _°_ ☆ _._ 。 _.:*_ ・ _°_ ☆ _._ 。 _.:*_ ・ _°_ ☆

It was yet another beautiful morning in New York City where the sun shined it's brightest, for once, you _hadn't_ slept in through your alarm so you actually had time to make it over to your favorite coffee shop. With a job like yours, an on call nurse, sleep was a gift and when it was given you took full advantage of it--which sometimes made you oversleep with how exhausted you had been. But, you loved your job and you wouldn't trade it for the world, babies were your favorite kind of people--if that even made sense--so of course you didn't dread what you did on a daily basis. What kind of life was it where you did a job you were never meant to do? A very cruel one that is. "Excuse me ma'am, are you alright?" Looking up from the book, you sniffled a bit before wiping the few tears that had escaped. "I saw you crying and wondered if you were okay?"

Nodding your, you smiled. "Oh, yeah, definitely...I was just reading this romance novel that literally killed me. Sorry if I worried you!" Shutting the book as you had reached its end, you looked at your watch and nearly panicked. "Oh, great, I'm almost late for work!" Standing up and picking up your things, you tossed the empty plastic coffee cup away along with the napkins before excusing yourself.

"It's no problem, dear, hope you don't get late to work," The older woman smiled as she waved at you.

"Thank you, uh...?"

"Maz! Maz Kanata!" Nodding your head as your eyebrows furrowed the slightest, you simply shrugged at how unique her name was.

"Thank you, Maz!" Waving goodbye, you rushed out, stuffing the book into your purse as you rue the idea of living in New York where almost everywhere you went was packed, especially when your job was in the hospital on the fifth floor rather than first. Hearing your phone ring, you grunted as you searched for it. "He-hello? Hey, Rey!"

_"Hey, you sound...out of breath? You alright?"_

"Fine, yeah! Totally! Just the fact that I may be late to work-"

_"It's because of Soul Mate. Are you still reading Soul Mate? I swear, you've read that book a good ten times-"_

"Fifteen," You corrected, dodging crowds.

_"Fifteen?! Not a surprise...let me guess, you cried yet again."_

"Of course! He loved her so much and she died for him! It so beautiful, Rey! Not my fault you don't have a romantic bone in your body..." You mumbled, causing her to gasp.

_"I am in a relationship with Finn, excuse you!"_

"Yeah yeah, look, I gotta go-"

_"Wait! Are you still coming tomorrow night? You know, I'd like my best friend at my engagement party."_

"You mean, excuse-to-go-drinking-and-clubbing? You know I'm not all that into drinking...or clubbing..."

_"Yeah, that's why you work with babies. But hey, you're still going 'cause you love me, right? It's not like we're going to a strip club or anything..."_

Sighing, you nodded. "Of course, anything for you, Rey..."

_"Good! Poe will be there...wink wink-"_

"Hush! I don't like him that way, I can't say the same for him about me...the flyboy is always so smiley around me. Not that I don't mind, his smile is great."

_"Alright, that is true. Still doesn't beat my smile. But whatever."_

"Who else is going?"

"Uh, you, Poe, Finn and I of course...Leia and Han wanna stop by...Jessika-"

"Poes pilot buddies, sweet. Leia and Han were able to get out of their busy lives? You'd think those busy people wouldn't..." You pouted the slightest. "Hmm, I guess they're not busy enough helping the air force with supplies or busy dealing medical equipment to hospitals."

_"Hey, out of all of us, you see them the most. Resistance Hospital's number one supporter is Leia Organa and Han Solo."_

"I do, but I don't know them _that_ well, I mean, Leia is sweet but when do I really see her? Moms a good friend of hers but with my nursing life I'm too busy handling babies. Plus, dad is a pilot so he's friends with Han...but not that close, he's more close with Luke."

_"Yeah, speaking of which, dad won't be attending because he'll be in Africa...but, he says he'd try skyping me so let's see how that goes."_

"Ah, have fun with that." Seeing the hospital come into view, you looked at your wrist watch and sighed. "Thank god, I'm on time. I'll talk to you later."

_"Love you!"_

"Love you, too," Hanging up, you slid your phone into the pocket of your scrubs before quickening your speed. You loved your job but man were the long hours tiring, especially when you worked on only five hours of sleep with nearly twelve hour shifts. At least the doctors and nurses were nice and the job paid well for you to have a decent loft.

Swerving and darting past crowds of people, you sighed in relief as you made it out in one piece, only to have someone knock right into you and cause you to fall flat on your ass. "Hey, watch where you're-Oh, oh I'm so sorry!" Furrowing your eyebrows at the tone they had, you only raised them as they had changed it. "I didn't see you there..." Seeing a hand come into view, you instantly took it and only felt chills run down your spine.

"It's fine, it's fine..." Looking straight ahead, all you saw was a torso. "I don't blame you, you're really..." Eyes trailing up his body, your eyebrows raised. " _Tall_..." Unable to see his face as the sun was blinding you, you used your hand as a visor.

"Yeah, sorry, this tends to happen when I'm walking past crowds," Trying to see his face, the glare from the sun didn't help one bit.

"Do you occasionally run into people?" You asked, chuckling.

"Uh, sort of...except sometimes I can't help them up because people get in the way and I feel terrible about it."

"Glad to be an exception," You nodded, still squinting your eyes. "I'm sorry, I can't see your face at all and it's weird talking to practically nothing..."

"Ah, right..." Shifting over, he instantly blocked the sun, your hand falling to your side as you smiled.

"Thanks," Looking up at him, you nearly gawked. He wasn't your ideal guy but boy was he good looking. You couldn't tell if it was the nice slicked back dark hair or the dimpled smile or maybe the towering height...but something about him called to you. "That's...better..."

"You seem like you're in a rush, am I in your way?" He simply asked, causing you to shake your head.

"No, yeah, I mean no...well, yeah I have work in five minutes but you're being nice and nice people are fairly hard to run into on these sidewalks so..." Smiling, you only melted at the sight of his own as his dimples appeared.

"I'll take that as a compliment?" He chuckled, causing you to smile even more. "But, honestly, I feel as if I'm in your way so, please..." Moving to a side, he gestured for you to go, "I don't want you to be late."

"Oh, oh yeah. Yeah, it's fine." Swatting a hand, you shrugged. "I should go. Uh, thank you again...what's your name?"

Grinning, he shook his head as he stuck his hand out. "I don't believe I introduced myself, what man doesn't introduce himself to the lady he rams himself into?"

"It's alright, my name is Y/N, or nurse Y/L/N..." You chuckled, taking his hand and feeling the chills run down your spine once more, only to crawl across your skin and bring goosebumps.

"Lovely name, I'll admit, especially the whole nurse additive," He nodded, "Ben, my name is Ben, or Mister Solo, I really don't have a cool add on." He teased, causing you to laugh.

"Nice to meet you Ben, hope to see you again. Or _crash_ into you again..."

"One day, maybe." Ben laughed, waving at you before you rushed off.

"See you some other day!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to take this time to thank all of you who had enjoyed this fic as much as I loved writing it. I'm so happy with its outcome and I'm so thankful to have shared these ideas with those who loved them! Thanks a million, and may there be more works for you to see from me!


	32. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yesterday (the 10th) marked one year since Soul mate on tumblr and I had decided to do a little something. Not to long but it's a year after the boxs ending. Enjoy!

The battle between the First Order and the Resistance still raged on, although it was a rather weak one now that they had lost their commander and supreme leader, the general tried everything in his power to continue the organizations legacy. The more battles that appeared, the less First Order men survived. Their general swore he'd go down with the last man standing on his side of the war. After all, he had nothing else but the Order.

The Resistance had gained much more help, more planets and governments had decided to restore the New Republic if that meant there'd be _some_ peace in the galaxy. Although they had lost many of their soldiers, they still had hope. The hope Leia promised to never let go of.

Although she had lost her husband and--in a sense--her son, she fought on. She had her own family on D'Qar with the Resistance. Rey, Finn and Poe were closer to her than ever and Luke vowed to never go into exile or disappear for a lengthy amount of time ever again. In the end, he was all she truly had left and he couldn't possibly leave his twins side. Not after all they've accomplished and how far they've come. Their parents would've wanted this. For them to stick together.

Rey had grown exceedingly more powerful with the Force and ended up having her own padawan that ended up being one of the Resistance members.

Poe was still enjoying his days as the commander and leader of the black squadron, but he took time to teach the newest recruits how to fly. It was safe to say that no one was going to take him from what he loved doing best--piloting.

Even in a time of war and grief, there was still some room for happiness and hope; and, somehow, they all were able to achieve that. After the loss of a dear friend they considered family, they took it in themselves to appreciate life and the fact that they were, well, living. They weren't about to take it for granted, not when in any given second death could swoop in.

At least there was no longer a menace trying to wipe out the Jedi any longer.

More and more Force sensitives came to be, although some preferred to handle it on their own, others reached out to Luke and Rey for guidance. The new generation of light and hope to restore the galaxy and keep it that way for as long as the Force allowed them to.

Hope was what they need and hope was what kept them going.

Standing amongst the snow, covered from his head all the way to his feet enough to keep him warm, Kylo stood amongst the trees in silence. One year had gone by since your death and one year since he had freed himself from his mental restraints. He was free, he no longer felt the weights on his shoulders that were his fears and doubts. He no longer felt the anger that coursed through him like his own blood had so naturally. He felt at ease.

At least, most of him had.

It took him a while to recover, to recuperate from the loss. The first few months were exceedingly difficult for him, he couldn't find a single place he felt stable or safe in--nor could he escape any breakdowns. Everywhere he went, he fell to his knees in pain. The constant reminder and flashbacks of you risking your life to save his own haunted him like a nightmare he wish he never had.

There'd be times he'd walk only to fall. One of the first planets he traveled to was Tatooine. In hopes that there'd be some stability there as his uncle and grandfather had lived there once, he took it in himself to try it out. But the second he was greeted to the vastness of sand and heat, left alone to nothing but his thoughts, he fell apart. Nowhere felt like home, or at least a place he could rest in momentarily.

Nothing compared to you or your arms--that's where his home was.

He tried Naboo, Corellia, Coruscant, even Mandalore and nothing worked for him. Nowhere felt safe enough.

After coming to the conclusion that there'd be nowhere suitable for him to live, he decided to move from planet to planet. All he truly had was his ship and that's all he needed. He's visited more planets in the span of a year than his entire lifetime; as long as it worked for him, he took it.

Traveling from one end of the galaxy to the other, Kylo had found himself back at square one--the second base the Order claimed--the planet that took your life. He wasn't so sure as to why he ended up back on the now deserted planet seeing as after the battle, the Order had to relocate once again. Except, this time, the planet/satellite didn't explode.

Remembering the exact spot as to where he had fought and slaughtered Snoke along with the area you had been murdered in, Kylo found himself standing there.

Taking in a deep breath as he stood there, body covered in his cloak, he removed the hood that covered his head, eyeing the area. Nothing had changed, everything looked the same minus the fact that there wasn't any dead bodies or a battle going on. It was all so quiet, nothing but the sound of the wind blowing as the trees rustled echoed in his ears.

It all felt so still. So lifeless. Even when he had passed by the base it gave off an eerie vibe now that it was abandoned and creaked with its hollowness.

Practically staring at nothing as Kylo stood there, he took in slow, deep breaths. Feeling the memories flood his mind as if he could see it play out right there and then as if it were a hologram, he clenched his jaw. There you were, jumping in front of him and being impaled by his own lightsaber.

Flinching at the sight as he shut his eyes for a moment, Kylo opened them only to see everything fade away, the sight of him holding you evaporating. It had been a while since he last thought of the event, let alone, dreamt about it. For a while that's all he could dream about.

Feeling his breath hitch as his fists clenched at his sides, his eyes began to burn. When had he last cried? He couldn't quite recall when all he ever did was busy himself with trying to find himself all over again. He didn't know who he was or what he was even doing. He had lost himself through it all and all he wanted to do was be someone, at least to himself. Maybe to still be Kylo Ren but all new. Or recovered Ben Solo. Possibly someone new altogether?

But, somehow, he found himself as Kylo Ren--the man seeking self assurance.

Shutting his eyes as his teeth clenched, brows furrowed as they vibrated with how tight he kept his eyes closed, Ren's bottom lip began to quiver. He couldn't cry, not now, not ever again; he promised himself he wouldn't any longer. But how could he not when it had been a year since his life had ended but also started?

Trembling in his spot as his body began to vibrate with how much he had been holding in--as if it had built up for months--he felt his knees grow weak, only to fall on them.

Pressing his hands against the snow as fought so hard to keep the tears in, he only whimpered. Slowly, one by one, the tears slipped out from his shut eyes, dripping from his eyelashes and crashing onto the snowy ground beneath him.

Grunting the slightest sad he bit down as hard as he could not to cry out, he grabbed fistfuls of the snow, fingers trembling as his whole body had grown week.

Shaking his head as he refused to breakdown and let it all out, he only fell back, mouth falling open as a harsh yell of pain left it. "GAAAH!" Feeling his throat ache from how loud he had screamed, Kylo panted, pressing his face against his hands as he sat on his knees. The pain had resurfaced and he couldn't possibly conjure an explanation as to why he would allow himself to visit the second base.

Taking in heavy breaths as his chest heaved, he bawled. "I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry..." He continuously repeated, rocking himself as the tears flowed out like a river. Pressing his palms against his eyes as he rubbed them, trying so hard to stop the tears from coming out, he gritted his teeth. "Y/N!" He called out, breath hitching as he sobbed.

The pain in his chest felt like it had the first time. One year since and the wound in his heart was almost fresh.

Falling back down as his forehead pressed against the snow, he trembled in his spot, the never ending tears flowing as he weeped in sorrow.

Seeing a flurry of images of what was memories the two of you had, nothing but your wide grin or soft laugh, Kylo moved his hands from his face, to his arms. It all hurt so much, he just wanted it to end. He didn't want to feel any of it, he wanted to be numb again, to be emotionless. Anything but suffering.

Holding himself as he shook in his spot, thinking about you and what the two of you could've had, Kylo wailed. "Take me with you...please..."  
  


Keeping his eyes shut, the Force suddenly rang in his ears. Completely ignoring it as he was too focused on the aching pain in his heart, there was an instant change in the ambience. "Kylo..."

Freezing up in his spot, he's crying came to a pause. Had he gone mad? Was he hurt to the point he was hearing things? "Kylo."

Slowly opening his eyes as he blinked, feeling his tears stain his cheeks, he stared at the snow. " _Ben_." Hearing the bone chilling voice grow assertive, Kylo slowly sat up.

Seeing what looked like a hologram in front of him as the first thing in his line of vision were boot covered feet, his eyes slowly trailed up, only to stop midway. "Ben..." Seeing a hand come into his view as it rested under his chin, as if to lift it up, Kylos eyes shifted upward, heart skipping a beat. "Hello."

"Y-..." Gulping as he sat there, blinking and unsure if it were real, he took in a deep breath. "Y/n?"

"Hi, Ben." You smiled down at him, crouched forward so the two of you could be at eye level.

"How...how are..."

"I wish I could explain, but I myself do not know." You sighed. "I have no idea as to how to see me but...I guess the Force was being kind." Seeing you nod, Kylos brows furrowed once again as he felt more tears pooling up. "But that's not important."

"Huh?"

"I came here for you." You spoke as Kylo stared at you, wishing it were really you rather than your Force ghost. "I know how much you are suffering. Ever since my passing, I've seen it all."

Gulping as he shivered at the sound of your voice, Kylo sat there, so weak. "I've seen you trying to find your way in this galaxy, traveling far and wide. I've seen you struggling to find a home...I know how difficult it's been for you but I want you to never give up." You spoke with a nod. "I need you to keep on going no matter how many breakdowns it takes. I need you to live on for the two of us. I'll be here, waiting forever, I won't be going anywhere. As for you...your life can be taken away in any given second. Ben, I need you to appreciate it all before it's gone."

"I know how desperately you want to see me again, to be around me, but know that it can wait. Don't be in such a hurry to join me. I want you to live your life free from burdens and troubles. I want you to live the life you deserved before Snoke made you his puppet. Please, live for the both of us."

"I love you, so very much, and the one thing that'll make me happy is to see _you_ happy." You lightly smiled as Kylo looked up at you, tears slipping here and there as he couldn't seem to speak. "It's okay to cry once in a while and it's okay to feel lost...just remember to pick yourself up each and every time and keep moving forward. You've gotten so far, and you can keep going."

"I'll be there with you along the way. Know that I'll be there beside you, supporting your every move, guiding you." You smiled. "Please...take as long as you need to get here, I'll be waiting patiently."

Slowly nodding his head, you moved your hand on his cheek. "We'll meet again, someday, I'm sure of it. But, for now, keep living. When the day comes, I'll greet you with arms wide open."

Pressing a kiss against his forehead as if he could actually feel it, Kylo shut his eyes for the moment being before you stood up straight. "I love you, always and forever. Remember that."

Nodding his head, he blinked away the tears. "See you some other day." At that, you faded away from his sight as he took in a deep breath.

Looking up at the night sky and seeing the stars shine, when one in particular twinkled the brightest out of the rest. Letting out a breath, he lightly smiled to himself. "See you some other day..."

**Author's Note:**

> I'm fairly new to ao3 so pls be patient with me...leave comments/kudos (idk what ever you want), thanks! :) xo


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